The shortest distance between two points in the universe is the length of a hotel room kettle cord

Hang on, I'm sure there was a room 13 next to mine in this hotel earlier? Seemed awfully noisy in there. Jumps straight from 12 to 14 now?

One of the greatest and most enduring fictions of the public sector is that there are vast lagoons of public money that are being frittered away and could be better used. It's such an enduring stuck idea that even evidence that it isn't true is incorporated into it.

On the lawn by my accommodation in Lancaster, an oystercatcher looking for worms. Feels weird seeing one away from the beach

People here saying BBC News ignoring the Greens and not mentioning any women as potential successors to Starmer. That isn't true

The Onion ass headline

Whenever I hear about a mandate for change I just think you could charge more, babe

INVENTOR OF THE KNIFE: this is the greatest thing since torn bread

Thinking about DsPH all over the country seeing their council change colour, and some going Reform

The number of people coming to get their ballot papers at the polling station yesterday who kept their headphones on for the conversation was considerable

Conservative hold is what my father does when he feels there is no acceptable way out of a hug

Finally finished and heading home after 16 and a half hours. It was the busiest I've ever known this evening. Got a reasonable idea why

Oo! We could fund the nationalisation of water companies by putting a toll on The Channel!

40 YEARS AGO TODAY: Half Man Half Biscuit on Whistle Test.

I'm working at a polling station tomorrow so I've been to the shops to get all my food and drink to keep me going for the day. If you are voting, you don't actually need your polling card but it helps us if you have it (with its QR code). Don't forget your ID, and please be nice to us!

I'm staring up into a tree and a guy just stopped to ask what I was doing. I said I want to see a nuthatch and he looked at me like I was deranged

Adding "presumably" to Run DMC hits: It's like that, presumably It's tricky, presumably Walk this way, presumably

'Undectable equals untransmittable' means anyone living with HIV on treatment & has an undetectable viral load has ZERO risk of passing the virus on to their sexual partners. Get tested, get treated:  👉 go to doitlondon.org #UequalsU #endHIV #FastTrackCitiesLondon

Oh, I think The Odyssey is what I saw being filmed off Findhorn in Scotland last summer!

[shark crooning at the undersea lounge bar] when she's feeling well fed, and she's stuck to your head, that's remora

I learned from J today that in Norway it's illegal to mow your lawn on a Sunday

I've just discovered I've been watching the snooker on a massive delay (it's 15-16) and it actually finished a while ago

Europeans: 1000s of tribes and dynasties and nations all fighting each other for 4,000 years over their myriad differences Americans: let me tell you about the average European

If they are all speaking English, and the Imperials all have English accents, then Britain must have been the original colonists of space and everyone should be drinking tea and playing cricket

a wedding band playing killing in the name of at a wedding but instead of saying killing in the name of they say Wayne and Linda in love

In Wanstead, it is elegant women in their 80s in perfectly matched pastels and preposterously high heels

You do the math! (you do the monster math)

Frinton, Walton, Clacton

Had a lovely night in Ealing with @msrachelgriffiths.bsky.social She's the bee's knees

I can't stop laughing at this, and this quote

So many swans it barely looks real ❤️

Near wild heaven, REM Oblong of dreams, HMHB Hands out your pockets, Forty Elephant Gang Fifteen minutes, Kirsty MacColl Chewing gum, Annie Only girl in the world, Rihanna Roam, B52s Bug powder dust, Bomb the Bass Hit, Sugarcubes Things can only get better, D:Ream

So the small town had this lottery where they all pick slips out of this box and then whoever gets the marked slip is stoned to death by all the other townsfolk, and I just really think that Airbnb owes me a refund.

there are 10 ways to get a batsman out in cricket 1. Bowled 2. Caught 3. Leg Before Wicket (LBW) 4. Run Out 5. Stumped 6. Baffled 7. Trousers fell down 8. Jam first on scone 9. Not saying "thank you" after a delivery 10. Proved to be french

The Pope, while being chased down the road by a pack of feral hogs

This still doesn't reflect the ethical harms of generative AI, something which in my profession still seems to be ignored

And there's the Cursed Trilogy (book 3 on the way)! In a magical AU Tudor London, two men discover the hard way they can't die, and must go on a quest to discover why. It's a very bi fantasy romcom! 1st chapter free if you subscribe to farragobooks.com or buy here farragobooks.com/book/cursed-...

There's the Rooks Trilogy (more for grown ups due to adult protagonists & a bit more swearing). A family who run a ghost hunting business from their Ford Focus stumble upon the manager of the universe's plot to end the world in an abandoned off season seaside town! farragobooks.com/book/wish-yo...

You should buy my books. Why? I'll tell you why. Funny adventures, innit. There's The Darkwood Trilogy, suitable for older kids, teens & adults A load of witches from various folk tales are forced to live as outcasts in the woods! They form a gang! farragobooks.com/book/darkwood/

Warm, moisturised, hydrated...

He's very good at dealing with crosses

A curse on the Vinted sellers who don't post your goods and auto cancel

www.maptap.gg April 30 95🏅 100🎯 96🔥 99🎯 87🎉 Final score: 945 Oo!

is poo, 3D fart? RFK Jr: yes it is. congratulations, we'd like to offer you the position

Post an image from a game you played as a teenager

I always felt Nic Cage would make a great Postman Pat