sick of people who don't know how to use amulets telling me they're broken srsly fuck vinted

andy burnham was actually born adolf dogpipe but that didn't play well in focus groups

28 isn't that many IMO

why is israel allowed in eurovision but mordor isn't

my government this my government that

Someone at work has shaved his beard off, leaving just the tache and he looks exactly like the Joris Bohnson guy

telling cold callers 'you sound like a juicy boy, please continue'

💔Bud Cort 1948 – 2026

[rolling my eyes at the waiter]; fine i'll rub my own feet

the eyes are the binbag of the soul

interviewer: jocelyn in chicago wants to know what is your birthstone? tim minchin [suddenly looking up and locking eyes after a full minute licking his fingers then smoothing his toe hair]: humanity

changing my surname to Minaj then rolling my eyes and saying 'not this again' when asked if I'm any relation

your parents explaining that mum's pregnant and they think the baby should have your name (because it's such a cool name) and you have to choose another one.

🎵there's nothing i can say your toe nearly slipped up my arse🎶

just heard someone on the radio say "Starmer's got what it takes" now I've got this guy saying it on a loop in my head, I'm trying to get ready for work www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0wD...

remember to get your 5 a day

jfc

Seen a few people recently saying there are too many podcasts, which I completely get, but it doesn’t seem to be something people say about music, art, books etc etc. Anyway, it’s there, and it’s free, and nobody’s forcing you to listen to it, but also do please listen to it.

Gary Barlow: thanks for your input guys but I think we'll stick with 'magic'

it's fine if you steal my jokes btw, everyone should feel this funny at least once in their lives

why yes i did live inside a tombola for a while why do you ask

gonna start signing my posts SR at the end so you know it's me not one of my team SR

'Terrible News Karaoke' contestants sing along to a popular backing track while the host whispers devastating personal news into their earpiece

this is about me selling your car while you were in hospital isn't it

i think booksellers should have to read you a bit while you make your mind up

a pair of cowboy boots pokes out through my wardrobe door and at night i tell myself it's daryl hall keeping me safe while i sleep

business deals should be conducted while slow dancing and if translators are required then they must dance too

Radio for Small Prophets fans Pearce Quigley: put-upon caretaker, Plum House www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand... Mackenzie Crook: hapless store manager, North by Northamptonshire www.penguin.co.uk/books/442786... Michael Palin: signalman-poet, John Finnemore's Double Acts www.penguin.co.uk/books/435124...

every mfer gonna be saying homunculus for the next 6 months is it

they said it couldn't be done but it turns out they just meant safely

brighten up a trip to the shop by getting them to throw the change into your mouth

screaming where has your mouth gone where has your mouth gone whenever someone turns their head away

thinking all my thoughts in my sleep then opening my mouth each morning and hearing what they are

Refusing to open my mouth at the rap battle, just staring and smiling at my opponent until he concedes

astonished to find that of the 8 of us at work, only 2 of us pronounce H correctly, and of the 6 that say Haitch 🤮, 5 of them had genuinely no idea anyone said it differently, FIVE OUT OF SIX, SIX OUT OF EIGHT

john le carre implies the existence of john le motorbike

john le carre implies the existence of john le motorbike

no i did NOT steal your joke it was a cover version

"don't sweat the small stuff" i shout with a cheery wave as i throw t-shirts & cigarettes from my helicopter towards the children emerging from the rubble

All the private jets leaving the super bowl. Paper straws etc

I (only just) disagree with the sentiment but it's still the best number plate I've ever seen

what b2b rapport-building taught me about running guns into burkina faso

i'd like to thank his excellency for this neat tennis racket, and look forward to selling him lots of guns

Explaining from my outside table to the cafe staff that yes I know it's raining but I am here to shout garbage at strangers and if dryness was my goal I'd have stayed at home

denied access to the library cafe bc of all the things i shout

has he had a bang on the head

i just vote for whoever's at the top i'm not reading all that

record label boss plays hardball with rapper