walking up to the cigarette counter at asda, telling him not to bother all the big packs have twenty in them

Love to be woken up by urgent messages from pals

that first few swigs from a can of coke my god what power

me [an american, being beaten to death by a white power militia pardoned by the president after they tried to overthrow the government]: ooooh you boys just wait until the constitution hears about this

it is not oversimplifying things to say the root cause and enabling process of this is the existence of billionaires, the nature of the people who become one and the unchecked power that brings them

didn't one pope quit to join the power rangers or is my neuralink on the fritz again

whole street lost power for fifteen minutes, very exciting, we immediately returned to the old ways, not everyone made it

i read 9032 books in 2025 but i still feel empty inside

Deleting a load of very old alarms from my phone, not all of which I understand

Today I heard about one of the farm guys getting sacked from a potato sorting plant for stopping the conveyer, and thereby the whole process, because he spotted a potato that looked like Eric Cantona and wanted to show everyone

"In the future, everyone will be Sidebottom for fifteen minutes"

i was the first european to visit all 60 websites

one of my early twitter hobbies was occasionally suggesting i had proof that kasper schmeichel was an enthusiastic but discreet cannibal

this meeting could have been a conga

My gf is upstairs on the phone and it is taking every crumb of my meagre willpower not to eat all the bolognese out of the saucepan before she comes back down

local politics is just swinging and taking bribes from property criminals anyway

my politics is i should get paid twenty grand a month to do whatever the hell i like

my politics is all fruit & veg should be free but 1% of it should be extremely poisoned

Farm chat - matt, you're into politics, why is keir starmer such a bum'ole

"Sorry your highness, gonna have to reschedule, you're not gonna believe this, but..."

There is nothing inevitable about poetry, stop being so defeatist

i didn't say time isn't real i said it isn't always on

time to check in on those nutty wolf hall lot see what the lads are up to this week

a truly advanced society would get everyone to jump up and down at the same time to see what happened

asked the box office what time your show starts they said what time can you get here

every time you buy a freddo you increase the scarcity and the price goes up for everyone

this is just good manners, we went to it last time

just cos you can't beat gravity doesn't mean you accept its first offer

relax your new neighbours by copying their children's outfits

like a burglar standing very still in the spotlight, rigid with implausibility

every now and then i frantically shred a load of paper to feed my fetish for the imminent consequences of sloppy corruption

running scared of andy burnham as a bit

mid-day kick-off to the tune of moonlight shadow

if i were the world cup would you boycott me

a separate world cup just for cool guys

my new year's resolutions are to recycle less and get into fraud

Started a post about how I'm not scared of Pennywise and would just kick him in his stupid clown balls but then I thought why risk it, dumb to even put myself on his radar, who needs the grief

Patiently explaining to the greengrocer that one cannot 'own' fruit as his two enormous sons sit on my back while we wait for the police

i never ask guests to take their shoes off when they come in but i do shave their heads

babe come over we've kidnapped jason donovan now we're panicking

hey babe come over i'm making a spreadsheet of all the female tennis players i could beat

sorry for telling people we met at a Waterloo Road fanfic convention

it's a shame i never met the queen, she'd have loved that but sadly she was taken too soon

the world is so crazy right now international men's day can't come soon enough

I love it when gig night aligns with good hair day youtube.com/shorts/-6Ouv...

this meeting could have been a conga

I've just bought an apocalypse-proof boat in there I'd give it ten minutes

"eight bedrooms, each with its own kettle & trouser press"