This Frankenstein joke is just cobbled together bits of other people’s Frankenstein jokes

This beautiful little dog ran to me in the park and sat on my foot and it made me happy.

“I don’t think anyone wants to write a book set in the present day with everything that’s going on. For one thing people keep getting angry with Nintendo and I don’t even know why.” - my youngest

“We noticed a suspicious new log in” Yes - it’s ME in my PERMANENT RESIDENCE, trying to log in so I can change my password because you didn’t tell me about the *actually* suspicious log ins from numerous diverse places hundreds of miles away.

🎵 carried away by a 4 bean salad

My laptop keeps saying “Scale AI across your organisation!” as a cheery lock-screen message, and also every web browser keeps crashing and it won’t save my presentation.

Having finished the first ep of Cemetery Road I have deleted my earlier, milder post and revised my opinion: that is one of the single worst things I have ever watched in my life.

A group of vehicles travelling together under one jurisdiction or management. And the ethos behind their management? Groove.

An *armada* of groove. A vast fleet of armed ships, and what they’re armed with is groove.

I bought a pasty so hot I’ve been walking around with it for an hour and still can’t bring it within an inch of my face without scorching said face.

If you’re travelling for work and you want to smell nice for free you can just go to most department stores and they spray you with perfume - you can save up to £400 a year

🎵 sub-panel! Sub-panel! Were subjugated to the panel!

Proofs of my new novel, Black Bag - American edition on the left from Zando; UK edition from John Murray on the right. It is out March 2026.

My advice after the last 5 weeks is never let a dentist do anything to your teeth. Leave it 30-40 years and have them replaced with wooden teeth.

I always add a little exclamation mark after “emails” on my to-do lists to foil my brain into thinking it might be something fun!

"it is striking how many of the key players we have looked into — the people who have gone out of their way to put up hundreds of flags — seem anything but ordinary." manchestermill.co.uk/the-men-who-...

Haha yes.

My friends when I go to the bar:

Try to find something original to be nostalgic about like the hologram doves on debit cards used to be better

Had a really nice ‘proof party’ at Stratford book festival last night, talking about my 3rd novel which comes out next March. I owe a lot of it to this one Lincoln Michel tweet.

Oh so we’re just throwing away the one thing anyone liked about us?

Oh wow this is going to be one of those extra spooky hallowe’ens when hallowe’en falls on a Friday 13th. Only happens once every twenty years

When there’s a large gap between the train and the platform edge I say BIG STEP out loud as I get on, even when my children, who don’t need me to say it anymore anyway, are not with me

Going to a cash machine and trying to put in my PIN but instead I just jerk backwards and forwards and side to side because I forgot to put on Num Lock

Inevitable when I bought a denim jacket that I would one morning accidentally wear jeans with it and not realise until I was at work.

I have a lot of sympathy for dentists, but I went to see mine today because I haven’t slept in two nights from pain three weeks after a root canal and they told me I was grinding my teeth in my sleep and gave me a BROCHURE

Love the clocks going back so much. I’ve felt frankly jet-lagged since March.

One thing that being in constant dental pain gives you is a real insight into what it’s like to be in constant dental pain

If you were a celebrity on a celebrity edition of a game show, but, critically, you were kind of a broke celebrity who had made lots of terrible financial decisions, owed a bunch of friends money, not to mention your tax situation…

This is really great and has got rid of my twinge of envy that Pond is always one of the bestselling books in the LRB Bookshop every week.

I don’t need to worry about the Vaping warning my kid’s school sent round because my kid is more into the whole ‘unrealistic body image’ thing

please stop calling it a poetry tax it is in fact a green initiative that imposes a 100% sustainability surcharge on books where most of each page is left empty

Calvinism!

You have been reëlected to The New Yorker Reënactment Coöperative

What exactly ARE we supposed to do if we buy a coffee that turns out to be horrible and we don’t want it?

Explain jouissance to me like I’m five hundred

When God closes an Overton door He opens an Overton window

Oh wow the 3hr train from Birmingham to Cambridge is so comically shite. Like if you could catch botulism from a train it would be this one.

-I want to go somewhere on a train! -Sure, that will be hundreds of pounds. -Okay :( And then I want to go back home again. -Oh yeah, we’re heading that way anyway; say 10p?

I just got a very long, AI-generated email saying that my work should be way more popular

The corrupt car loans pay out of £700 is kind of great for folks like me who got a 5k used car on a payment plan but not so good for people who got 25k+ cars but I guess this is one of those rare occasions where the joke’s on them.

Luke’s boredom and lack of appetite for reading long form prose when drunk Vs. train ticket is on phone

Even if you just read one word a day you can finish a whole novel in 243 years.

The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock: Double Dash The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock: Tokyo Drift The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock: The Ocarina of Time The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock: Too J. Alfred, Too Prufrock

Sometimes it’s nice to just open a browser and do nothing other than reflect on how extraordinary it is to be on the world wide web

I’ve been haunted by this playing card my entire life (3♣️)

I always like to read several scary short stories in October and to write ONE scary story. The story I write is never spooky enough. BUT I really enjoyed Robert Aickman’s ‘The Inner Room’ today - the best dolls house story I’ve ever read, and brilliantly unsettling.

Oh it was the Frankfurt book fair? I didn’t notice it this year