Why have paintings when you can just look out the window

My last word on the matter

Bold early pitch for next director general of the BBC here

A radio programme like the Shipping Forecast but it’s called Bin Day and it just reads out every single council in the country’s bin schedule

Michael D Higgins leaving office this evening to make way for his successor, Michael E Higgins

Love that we have a new Sarah Marshall podcast about the Satanic panic 😌🥰

Was meant to do my taxes today and all I did was go and buy cookies from Sainsburys (cereal milk and white chocolate 9/10)

was tim davie wearing a poppy when he resigned

“When do you think we should announce it? First thing Monday morning? You know, during business hours.” “Sunday night. During dinner time. Before the Strictly results.”

sure why the hell not

They’re gonna make George Osborne or Michael Gove director general aren’t they

Friends, if I’m buying a 32” TV is it better for me to pick it up in my car or have it delivered or is it negligible? Can you play it down in the boot of the car with the seats down??? I have my own car and am strong, no funny answers or wisecracks, just knowledge and expertise

GLADIATOR???? I BARELY KNOW HER

Just watched Gladiator for the first time and what a picture!!!!!!!

What happened to those days when ITV or ITV2 would be showing The Mummy and/or The Mummy Two every other weekend, country’s gone to the dogs

Thinking about buying a little television for my bedroom so I can stop watching films on my laptop and then I might buy myself a PS4 to play games on???

If you sell your clothes on Vinted and they have stains on them you should go to jail

How it feels trying to work out if a new TV advert is AI or real

Jesus Christ It said it was sending him a real person to help and then went LOL no just kidding I can’t do that

Pisses me off so much when food companies do this weird gaslighting when they’re like “oh actually a portion is half of this bag, despite this being an individual bag that is part of a meal deal for one person”????

This looks like the signage at a place you’d get waxed

I have taken psychic damage from this #Traitors

I like how the caption on this photo reads as if he's making a claim that could not be independently verified.

12 Angry Men knife scene only it’s a sandwich

Sometimes I think about the mid-00s films that were made where the plot was like “a married couple with several children die in some sort of incident and leave their children with their irresponsible friends on purpose to teach them a lesson in maturity” and I think how insane that is as a premise

Said I would start writing again at 2:00pm but unfortunately it became 2:01 too quickly so I will have to wait until 3:00

I do think the thing that could push us over into anarchy is that you can be paying for a streaming platform and they’ll still give you ads

Honestly TELL THE STORY. Won’t someone just tell the fucking story of how Brexit created this economic hardship, how a Muslim immigrant just saved the lives of those commuters on that train, won’t someone in politics or even media just connect the fucking dots and TELL THE STORY. IT’S RIGHT THERE

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Do any New Yorkers want to marry me for a laugh

Are we allowed to hope again

This is how I found out.

Very pleased that this is how I found out.

I can’t believe this is how I found out Dick Cheney died

This is how I found out

But your honour, surely whatever is happening in my client’s rear view mirror is none of their concern

I was come back to my computer after lunch and THIS is how I find out that Cheney died 😆

Dick Van Dyke has OUTLIVED Dick Cheney

RIP Dickolas Cheney

Hell gained a new coal stone today 🕯️

I have stewed some apples in brown sugar to eat on porridge tomorrow and I cannot wait to wake up, frankly

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Outstanding, no notes

Can't call them "mothers" any more, because of woke

The piss tank on the ISS is now 69% full.

Suffering from an acute case of “I ate too many Cadbury’s Giant buttons from the sharebag”