i shouldn't know the names of the US supreme court justices. why the fuck do I need to know who sotomayor is

telling me that my cat won't improve his behaviour because he can't understand what I'm saying? that's just the racism of lowered expectations I'm afraid

this is primo bait, just exquisitely crafted, will be stealing the "it's actually Sir Keir" bit

I wouldn't visit the moon because I wouldn't want to step on yet another night owl queen without her permission

thinking about famke janssen

at this point I don't know what a condo is and I'm too afraid to ask

i'm just holding it down like a wholesome quirk chungus and you hate me

this made me want to kms

This is never not funny

"why call it polyamory when you could call it cummunism"

think on the back of this the most insane things are people posting retirement stuff on LinkedIn, when I retire my entire account will selfdestruct and I'll never open that site ever again

must admit it is very Spursy to get a new "world-class" manager and that manager to be an utter toxic prick that nobody wants

until someone builds a bigger rentseeker

oh it was just an April Fools' joke huh? or as I call them, cruel lies

I think I can win this vote without even having to lean on my "would" bloc

remember to ask out your crushes this morning and then simply go haha just an april fools as you sob if they say no

I would like to extend my best wishes to all, even the fools and foolers, on this special date,

love how this is turning into a real midcentury type scandal, just needs to add in a disgraced Lord and a defrocked priest

my pornstar name would be Beef Strokinoff

LIMINAL SPACE: THE MOVIE

of course the April Fools' tradition began when Jesus jumped out of the tomb and was like psych, fooled you guys!!

the cute racoon coin pushing roguelike has released, it's like the amusements at the seaside. except y'know, with racoons

oh excellent you put knafeh in this dessert? i really wanted it to just be fucking ruined, thank you

going Lindt Master Chocolatier mode on the pussy

me trying to spice up my weeknight meals with some chorizo and kielbasas:

"simples" has done untold damage to the minds of facebook and daily mail commenters the world over

FRANCE: we're fancy WORLD: ok FRANCE: a fried ham sandwich is our national lunch WORLD: FRANCE: a fried ham sandwich with an egg is its wife

New term for the dearth of good Tops has dropped:

such a crime when actually he should just be reduced to prime DILF

I have to do an extremely cringey LinkedIn post today as part of a corporate / big professional news thing, please remember me as I am (cool and sexy and not cringe)

what this implies of course is that economics is solved and the economy is going great,,

finally gotten my niece into Adventure Time 😏😏😏

the 'hard sci-fi' authors are never beating the allegations

[The ghost of Salieri] And am I remembered? [Living human] Oh, yes [Salieri] And am I mentioned in the same breath as Mozart? [human] Look you might want to sit down for this

we regret to inform you that SNL UK is now bad 😔

cracking tits Gromit

please don't put in the Spectator that I got mad.

People criticise the Guardian but you just can't get this calibre of analysis from most papers.

well you wouldn't see them would you, they're masters of stealth

yes I'm complicated, I contain multidudes

operator: 911, please state the nature of your emergency me: there’s a site i go to a lot that isn’t the best way to follow breaking news operator: is it a news site me: not really operator: why don’t you go to a news site me: i don’t know operator: jesus. ok. how many ambulances do you want me: 75

got fired as Scott Mills' replacement for promising “I absolutely, 100 percent, am not going to play ‘The Boys Are Back In Town’ again,”, punching the buttons to select “The Boys Are Back in Town,” which I had memorized

A Cinemasins ding noise plays every time an event is shown that contradicts a previous scene in Rashomon. You are in hell.

i only use it for networking with other furry erotica authors,

we can all dunk on SNL but I tell you what, the amount of times I say "will a fosse neck do it?" is unbelievable to anyone

Thing is these are both bad names. It's not "two-way mirror" because it's only a mirror from one side. Which is also true of normal mirrors so "one-way mirror" doesn't work either, that's just a mirror. It's a one-way *window*. That's the distinctive characteristic, not the mirror part.

I don't think Roger Rabbit could handle everything Jessica was throwing out anyway

"ugh this is just a political purity test" oh sorry I would never want my politicians to be pure or noble