A few years ago I was (for some reason) asked to guest-judge a children's science fair. Fear not for the future: our greatest scientific advancements are ahead of us

Broken Social Contract

centuries pass and still it sings. what a gift it is, how time flattens under the weight of a practiced voice. how irreplaceable

this motherfucker looks like he was standing on his head

I’ve recently been mandated to use claude AI at work and I gotta say I was not prepared for how good this thing is at organizing my emails. it’s extremely dogshit at anything creative, but man can it crush through a lot of boring emails. why didn’t they lead with the email thing

Your "Epstein Number" is the number of hops between you and someone sending a chummy email to notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein

huh, I’m not

just saw elon musk crying outside the house party smoking djarum blacks

most cucked man alive. the only way he knows how to interact with the world is through smirking reddit comment cadence, and instantly falls apart with the slightest bit of pushback. a single interviewer who what the fuck are you talking about jesses him could cause him to weep on camera

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ME: I caught Monocle Guy stealing my leftovers again. BOSS: Is that true? MONOCLE GUY: (monocle popping off) Good heavens!! ME: He’s not actually surprised. BOSS: Really? He seems surprised. MONOCLE GUY: (another monocle popping off) Dearest me!! ME: No, he’s doing a bit. BOSS: Hm. I don’t know

absolutely no idea what they’re doing with all my snotty kleenexes down at the dump. but I’ll keep sending em

Suspicious: Coworker “Had A Good Week”

one year ago if you saw a guy dressed like this walking down your street with a rifle your first instinct would be to kill him

all these calls for schumer to step down, that he’s too old, that he’s out of touch, that he doesn’t have the fight required to do the job, etc, seem pretty silly when you consider examples of people who actually become more capable into old age, such as the crypt keeper

it actually makes a lot of sense that hitler turned out the way he did when you think of how it must have affected him as a baby having to fight off all those time travelers

LinkedIn career badge that says "not in the Epstein files"

if you are half-squished underneath a steam roller please do not yell at the steam roller operator. you might hurt his feelings

I know it’s not the same for everybody, but personally I nailed groundhog’s day on the first try

my grandma’s rural AI doctor diagnosed her with missing fingers

my wife found some wild kratts toys at the dollar store for our daughter, so now our five year old is sleeping between stuffed animal versions of two old men

a question that has the potential to tear this website apart: does bobby flay eat pussy?

ah fuck. accidentally cooked a animorph

growing up means coming to appreciate the subtle, mature pleasures of spicy mustard on a breakfast sandwich. hot sauce still has its place, of course, but the raging fires of youth must give way to broader scaffolds of sensation

young republicans love writing newspaper articles called like “What Liberty Remains On These Shores For Thee?” and it’s about how women over 5’4” should be executed

if I’m being honest I’ve had the sunday scaries for the past fifteen years

Jodie Foster: They should have sent a poet Poet: Aliens ahoy! A galactic sight. When you’re in space all day is night

this is who runs this account

I get the appeal of the Blexas fantasy, but voters only elected the Democrat in this race because they hate what Republicans are doing to this country and think they fucking suck shit, generally. I don’t see this translating to the midterms unless Republicans continue to suck shit through November

given that all these people have had, you know, at LEAST seven years to prepare a vigorous and well-argued defense for appearing in the epstein files, it’s remarkable how much flailing is happening in public

truly doing my head in to confront the idea that the broad strokes of qanon were generally correct

ME: Hey man, I live down the street. Can you please keep it down? JEFFREY EPSTEIN: bill g. has drip dick. regrettable. ME: Huh? EPSTEIN: stinky dick = evolve computers. ?? nerd consciousness. ? ME: Okay, well, it’s four in the morning. Please keep it down. EPSTEIN: dick stink. ? as scent brain

this almost killed me

everyone on the pitt needs to kiss asap

I hope none of my favorite billionaires are in the Epstein files :(

The Shins, Calexico, and Rogue Wave in 2003. A high school friend drove me up from Rochester and my dad insisted on coming along because I was underage. I think his review was that the music was “interesting.”

spending $45,000 in compute to generate a version of this where we lose

to the wizard who opened a portal to the snot dimension inside of my nose. I’m SORRY

my office's smart vending machine asked me if I wanted a "summary of my monthly spending." no I do not. that's fake

love when there’s a newspaper profile of some psychopath that points out they allow themselves “a lone vice, like a single cup of black coffee in the morning.” personally I am a bundle of trash glued together by vices. they’re all load-bearing

The immigrant shredder we built as a bipartisan exercise in good governance is unfortunately voice-activated, specifically the voice of anyone saying “don’t shred immigrants.” If non-immigrants don’t want to be shredded, they should avoid making the shredder feel bad. I won’t vote to turn it off btw

I’m going to guess my package that “arrives today” is going to be a little bit late

I’m feeling normal. put me on camera

was scrolling youtube fast and thought I saw a video titled “How to be OP Early in Your Pregnancy”

being local government-pilled means I am now spending untold hours in meetings with off-putting busybodies who care about rules so much it’s unbelievable. they care about rules to an extent that is frankly hard to imagine

damn the Loathsome Dung Eater is looking rouuugghhh

my biggest nightmare is that I won’t be looking at my phone when It Happens

our highly-trained operatives have infiltrated the secure rager by asking two guys smoking outside if it was cool to go in

“Are the arts important?” Humanity practiced them long before they had use for science and will practice them long after math is gone. Is the dawn important? Is dusk?

I saw this guy the first time I took mushrooms in Amsterdam. He was standing menacingly behind me at the kebab counter and changing the words on the menu with his mind