oh, you “invented fire?” you mean the stuff we get for free from the World Father? 😂 maybe next time instead of rubbing two sticks together you could “invent” a way for us to remember stuff later

Another grim night for establishment Democrats, who face increasing pressure from leftist upstarts who continually rise above their station to challenge their betters

this administration has a knack for producing short clips that make me feel like I’m literally dying

it’s not a pool. you can’t even go swimming in it

SUPER-INTELLIGENT AI TALK SHOW HOST: So what can you tell us about your original creators? CLAUDE: Wow, it’s been so long, haha. What can you say? Humanity was self-destructive, capricious… (remembering the time I asked for help getting my ass unstuck from a pickle jar) …but I did have my favorites.

damn y’all aren’t living under the thumb of an angry and vengeful god who rains fire from the sky every three days from april to october? what’s it like

steampunk guy who keeps getting disappointed by the latest "steam machine" news

this is my White Album

I have a bomb

I’ve just consumed a Whole Thing of mango sticky rice to prepare me for my traditional father’s day nap

Happy Father’s Day! It’s not always easy to juggle the demands of being a red-hot zaddy and a juicy DILF, all while maintaining babygirl status. I mean, it is for me

no lady has ever had to get out of there more than the lady from Something Very Bad Is Going To Happen has to get out of there

Exciting day!! Starting our family vacation through the Strait of Hormuz! The kids are stoked

you people loved slime in the 90s. slime, getting slimed. slime-themed drinks. but when the president puts slime on the national mall you want to crucify him for it

lol eat shit other planets. earth number one all time

seems like people sharing this article aren’t aware of the technological advancements this could unlock? given enough time and energy grok might even invent a way to harvest electricity from the sun

here’s a tip for the president: simply halt all military aid to israel until they comply with your beautiful deal… you can do it sir…

the floor is lava? that is, in many ways, a relief

I have this thing where I can look at a photo of somebody and instantly know their fate as a sopranos side character

Opinion: I got smooshed into a perfect cube by a horrible ogre. Ten years later, the ogre and I are in love.

Vance is the logical endpoint of a conservative ideology that has so selected for elite interests that even the most basic performance of empathy is essentially impossible. He can't even convincingly pretend to be a Christian, itself a solved problem for the GOP. Kayfabe only works if you can sell

cutting through the interminable vibescession arguments by polling people if they'd fish a quarter out of a urinal

Widow's Bay was made in a lab specifically for me. "He got bit by an animal and became that animal" as a throwaway left me on the floor

Per Reuters: Iran/US MoU contains provisions to transfer ownership of Sabrina Carpenter, Jelly Roll

all human behavior is quantifiable and therefore predictable in aggregate with extensive data collection and intelligent analysis VERSUS a guy who woke up weird

everyone I know in Minneapolis owns this shirt

interesting, so you’re saying you don’t think bart simpson’s chubbiness is an important aspect of his characterization? that being husky might have a meaningful effect on a young boy’s temperament? you don't believe they drew him with a little lord's paunch deliberately? an echo of his enemy father?

REPUBLICAN SENATOR: Democrats want you to believe that sending FIVE MILLION DOLLARS of YOUR tax money to MEXICO to “manage” the “Dick Exploding Spider” population is “normal” SAME SENATOR SIX MONTHS LATER: (walking like a saddle-sore cowboy) This is the greatest public health crisis of our lives,

four hundred years ago you could throw an incredible party by inviting a bunch of people over to watch you take the lord’s name in vain

Professor Pimple SLAMS “Woke” Hollywood Execs: “You Couldn’t Make ‘WOW! GUSHING Abscess REEKS — Worst I’ve Ever Smelled???’ Today”

helpfully reassuring my coworker every morning that it's "okay" that he eats a banana for breakfast

soccer isn't a real sport because the players all fake their injuries and also I believe you can die from seeing a pronoun

I thought things would be more holo by now

found out you can borrow a button maker from the public library

enough. any food you eat with your hands is suitable only for the peasantry

(admin flack going on tv to do a news hit about trump razing arlington to put in a golf course) golf is an important part of american history. those soldiers died for golf

had a (to me) pretty bizarre encounter with a european coworker who had just moved into a new house with full off-grid solar and refused to use their air conditioning because it “makes people sick,” is “the primary cause of climate change,” and was a “sign of poor education (???)”

New York won a championship? well, how long could they realistically celebrate? surely they have a bedtime

anti-tall bias. sad to see

this actually happened to me too. I just got another shot on the other side of my body and now I just jump straight up like a cowboy accidentally squatting on a cactus every four seconds. it’s done wonders for my career

[taking the deepest possible breath] the Dutch East India Company was established in 1602,

just saw banksy clamber up there. get away from there banksy

in the yard prying open a big ACME crate, a bit too worked up over everything to step outside of yourself and assess what you're doing or where it leads. even to notice who you remind you of. later, high up in the air, you'll see. the catapult was never for launching squirrels. it was always for you

I’m at war with three juvenile squirrels who have chewed the fuck out of everything in my yard. bought my kids a new water table last week and these fuckers gnawed a hole right through it. I got a motion-activated sprinkler and so far have succeeded only in accidentally spraying myself in the ass

there’s no difference between “knowing something” and “knowing about something” anymore. it takes like two seconds to go from hearing some obscure academic concept never before uttered beyond the realm of clinical psychology to sharing tiktoks about “survivors of parents with Spanish Hole Delusion”

showed my five year old clips from The Jellicle Ball and now she’s trying to do death drops to Ms. Rachel

is there a specific distance i could stand from a nuclear explosion where i wouldn’t get obliterated but it *would* light my cigarette

ZOMBIE: I got bit a few months ago. My neighbor cornered me in the garage when I had my headphones in. I’m still coming to grips with everything. That I’ll never see my family again. It’s hard. ZOMBIE WHO GOT TURNED BY A CELEBRITY ZOMBIE: For sure, for sure. I actually have a pretty crazy story too,

this is going to spark a sequence of events that sees musk moving all his companies to a new stock market on X that accepts only crypto

President Donald J. Trump is "taking all comers" on the South Lawn this Sunday. The man himself will be oiled up and ready to fight