In Mr. Beast’s new million dollar challenge they precisely measure a guy’s food intake and feces output and for each gram of nutrients that goes undigested they take away $10,000

taking advantage of the neighborhood power outage by finally performing the Penis Ritual on the lawn without fear of ending up on someone’s doorbell cam

here's my 2026 bingo card

santa isn’t coming this year because he’s on a “semen retention journey”

Mr. Beast, all my friends and I were saying how good at boxing you’d be

snowmen are the only animals who can be constructed entirely of piss

We’ve created the self-regarding allegedly erudite child-molesting monsters from Vladimir Nabokov’s novel “Don’t Create The Self-Regarding Allegedly Erudite Child-Molesting Monster”

this wall hanging my in-laws keep in their bathroom is technically quite beautiful except how in the middle of the night I’m convinced she’s going to turn around

interrupting the ghost of christmas present mid-lesson to expound on the national security implications of his remote viewing abilities

he was trying to warn us

lots of people on here complaining that they redacted the names of government officials but did you consider it would probably feel bad to be named in the epstein files? that it might hurt their feelings? right before christmas?

Ashby, 28, is a former Scientologist and adult convert to the Russian Orthodox Church. She believes abortion should be illegal, but wildly accessible in “abortion speakeasies.” Ashby’s primary issue is that there’s too much nail art on TikTok. She has a tattoo of J.D. Vance but did not vote in 2024

inflatable decorations are great when you want your yard to look like a crime scene for most of the day

she has learned how to drift

The Method is just ego, and harmful to cast cohesion. It’s worth exploring why an actor like Stewart, who imho put up two of the greatest performances of the 2010s in Clouds of Sils Maria and Personal Shopper gets labeled “difficult” while men who refuse to answer to their own name on set do not

years of people begging this guy to understand that the “don’t feed kids into a wood chipper” bill includes a provision that mandates feeding kids into a wood chipper and he just doesn’t care. he’s either stupid, senile, or bought. gotta go

stacked santa claus is stuck at the top of the chimney, all wiggling around

and tiny tim, who was NOT in the epstein files,

the main thing about these guys is that they’re all allergic to actual work. they truly believe that they’ll be able to “leverage AI to plunge toilets” or whatever and the second a sewer backs up they’ll be blubbering for a government bailout

(transferring to Arthur’s school from Arthur) so what the fuck are you guys

took the day off work to perform my annual christmas ritual: wandering around in a fugue state buying little knickknacks for everyone in my family at random because if I don’t spend even more money everybody will feel like I don’t love them enough

if we keep squeezing this guy I bet we can get him to do universal pre-k

President Ganj

hey troops this guy thinks you’re stupid

When it comes to breakfast sandwiches I’ve been more often reaching for the spicy mustard of late than I have the hot sauce. A sign, perhaps, of a coming vibe shift?

if sperms was bigger cum’d look like vanilla bean

I love that crypto guys are setting up these little barbarian camps all over. little annoying civilization-style NPCs that pop out a bunch of resources when you conquer them. piñata nations

[Lester Bangs] The centerpiece of the album is "Gym Clothes In A Shopping Bag." Waits pulls out all the stops until we can smell the "marinating shorts that every bright-eyed sport" is slinging around in their "bags that say you should Have A Nice Day" from "the deli that burned down last year"

I’m sending a check for $69 to every brave american who has ever fallen asleep while yoinking it

just what everyone wants in a troubled economy: a check that goes to someone else

well, that convinced me. thank you mr president!

I think every grandpa should be allowed to get on tv and yell for an hour

we already have transgender for everyone. it’s called bluesky

great start to the speech if he’s resigning

Trump is gonna announce a $2000 tariff check that will temporarily boost the economy until it becomes clear it was just taken out of next year’s tax refund

santa came to the office christmas party and spanked my bare ass raw for attaching the wrong version of a spreadsheet

so scientists found out humans were lighting fires 350,000 earlier than we thought. and I guess just spent the next few hundred thousand years chillin

“try to avoid snacking after dinner” okay then I will starve to death in the night. good bye

(leaving a yelp review after getting my ass kicked six or seven times during a single meal at the fancy restaurant) The bread was honestly fantastic

having trouble getting investors on board for my business idea of Big Warm Room. it's for people who don't have heated garages or workshops. you can just rent some time in the Big Warm Room to change your tire or cut some miters or whatever without freezing your ass off. Big Warm Room

if you have a little craving for something you should be allowed to go the grocery store and take a little nibble for free. it doesn’t make sense that you’d have to buy a whole thing

Fantasy Novelist Taking Opportunity to Backdoor Board Game Concept

"too salty" is fake to me

"please come back to twitter"

I think my child is finally old enough for me to introduce her to lutefisk. so she understands that horrors walk the earth

just awful. just so, so sad

happy harmonica

We’re clearing off space in the backyard for Santa this year. Last Christmas he skidded hard on the roof and Donner snapped his leg on the gable. Santa came down the chimney begging for a shotgun but we don’t own one so he had to put the poor thing down with a kitchen knife. Put a damper on the day

A Christmas elf’s candy cane stripes represent their achievements in battle. Red indicates an elf has drawn blood, while green is reserved for those with confirmed kills. More exotic colors designate elves who take a particular pleasure in dismemberment

I promise I will eventually stop posting about speeding but it’s so rare that an opportunity exists to argue a position that is as controversial as it is irrefutable. It’s like walking in to a dog torturer convention and saying you think it’s wrong to torture dogs