and one large glass of milk for The Pervert

I’ve been trying to bring healthier snacks to the office which in effect has meant mostly just giving one specific apple a field trip

if I were on a hidden camera show I would know from being third person

You may not like it, but there’s actually no universal consensus vis-à-vis blowing up little kids, and in fact suggesting that blowing up little kids is evil is, itself, a form of terrible violence, and furthermore naïve to say, if not outright childish. And you know what we do to children

this insane airport jealousy over MSP needs to stop. it’s the best one

my wife is doing experiments in the garden… intriguing… curious…

(based genius voice) milkies please

god needed a hot dog

my crimson desert guy is god’s perfect himbo. when he’s not leaning on a wall and looking Very Serious he’s dropping bangers like “huh?” and “you want me to do what??” while bird wizards tell him to jump off of space rocks. he’s like if “uhh yeah, I guess I fly now!” was a person. stupid name also

one thing I will never do online is feud. none of you are real to me in that way. not like this fucking bird I hate

I heard there was a secret cord that David kept in his cable hoard but he can never find it when he needs it

the president and his pals are accidentally leaning on the levers of power like so many misters bean

Chuck Norris jokes were the first memes that people who weren't funny could join in on. A true harbinger.

sometimes “everybody” means “a guy I saw”

baked jelly beans

one potential use of ai is to generate an image of trump shaking hands with the mothman and ask him to explain it on camera

some men just want to watch the world burp

this guy burned 90 billion dollars on vr while telling everyone who would listen that all of us would be floating around in his video game for like, work. he renamed his company after some stupid shit nobody wanted and can't even be fired for it. at least this frees up a bunch of money for AI

my kid came home from kindergarten today and announced she was setting a trap to catch a leprechaun. apparently other kids at school always end up with candy and treats in their annual leprechaun traps, so she’s pretty stoked to see what she gets. I am begging other parents to fucking cool it

got bit by one of these and contracted robies

saint patrick ate all those snakes

called into hr for pinching

I’ve had a thought and will be out of office indefinitely as I recover

ME: (chastising myself) Careful. We can't just paint every billionaire as an evil NPC with no inner life. They're just people, and we need to understand that if we're ever going to improve society BILLIONAIRE: I'm an empty shell, man. No thoughts up here. I'm essentially a void made to suck up money

The tight competition for Best Picture at this year’s Oscars is again igniting controversy over the Academy’s practice of burning all copies of runners-up in a big metal drum under the Hollywood sign. “I know some people think even losing films should be seen.” said the Academy president, “Too bad.”

I knew Jessie Buckley was a star the first time I saw her in Wild Rose. Which is worth some sort of “Best Fan” Oscar at least

I like that Michael B. Jordan, and not just because he’s of Bluesky Age

that “baby” yoda is an old man. it’s okay to kill him

amy madigan my queen

the path forward is clear: we must use a dozen thermonuclear bombs to blast an impenetrable tunnel between me and the nearest dive bar

grimace snubbed from oscars “in memoriam” segment for 14th straight year

Disney’s modern animated output generally fails in comparison to the films of the Disney renaissance primarily because they no longer adopt an “Oops, All Grouchos!” approach to secondary characters

if you don’t live in a temperate climate you might not know that during heavy snowstorms the snow particles can reflect light and fill even the darkness of night with an eerie luminance some old-timers still refer to as the Shovelman’s Gloaming

completely obvious to any outside observer and literally never discussed the media is how monumentally, generationally stupid everyone in the trump administration is. their ideas are fucking stupid. as in, their brains do not work for considering complex problems. because they’re really stupid

trump saw how much you guys loved Big Boat Stuck and tried to join in by doing All Boats Stuck and now suddenly its not funny anymore? make up your minds

I will forever have a soft spot for the 2007-2012 PBR and American Spirits era but it also did have a lot of guys on cocaine at house parties who would say stuff like "Foursquare is the new Punk Rock"

extremely excited to see what happens to palantir under woke 2

hot moms in your area are hornier than you can possibly imagine. hornier than science can even explain. they're losing their minds over those nice boys from the television. they're phasing in and out of reality

The elementary school crossing guards broke into a spontaneous “Ewwww!!” when a Cybertruck drove by. It’s so over. For Elon, but also for me, as they followed up their assertion that it’s a “Car for old men” with a quickly-blurted “No offense.”

that is the reaction of a guy who just saw a real ghost

it’s going to snow two feet on sunday

soup dumplings? incredible. what else can we soup

in this context both of those nouns feel like slurs

she did it AGAIN

used to be you used a computer by typing EXECUTE. then at some point somebody decided computers should say thank you

could you pick your toilet out of a lineup for $1000

fast zombies immediately snapping every tendon in their legs and spending the rest of the apocalypse dragging themselves around

thinking again about the greatest scene in cinema history

ronald mcdonald is not a clown. he's just irish

you don't hear much about wet heaving