calling into work cell shaded

hey i just got an alert saying your personal info was found on the dork web

at my funeral there will be hot dogs

Oh, yeah I think I heard something about that. What he a friend of yours? Oh, you liked his tv show? Podcast, sorry. What was the show about? Got it. I hadn’t heard of it, but I’m really sorry that happened. Really sad. We gotta do something about all these guns

where’s the polymarket rapture line cowards

telling my boss I’m going to fuck up roughly 30% of the time and it’s math’s fault

Pulled one of them talking fish what grants wishes out of the old pond last night. He says, “Let me go and I’ll give you whatever your heart desires.” Sorry pal, no can do. If you can grant wishes from a pond you can do it from the aquarium in my den. Now I have cold beer without leavin’ the couch

I have also reviewed over 30 statements and posts

lot of people immediately able to grasp why this is bad still making excuses for posting on twitter

it’s unconstitutional to not like me

it should rain at night. sunny during the day. just a proposal

Our new movement offers bold, popular ideas from across the political spectrum, except one part

assembling a fantasy lunch: warm crusty bread, a hunk of cheese. a bit of cured sausage and a clutch of fresh grapes. shared out of a handkerchief with a brooding ranger I met in the woods

bad news boss, our business plan of one app that costs $1000 a month was easily defeated by people not paying for it

I try not to quote dunk on here as much as I did on twitter mostly because I had 400 followers there and so the Dynamics Have Somewhat Shifted

Entertainment holds a sacred place in American democracy. A safe space for audiences across the political spectrum to come together and recognize guys on tv

these so-called attacks on freedom of speech are a distraction from the issues my constituents care about, like the presence of ancient alien manufacturing facilities deep under the atlantic ocean

this reply may have legitimately changed my life. installed a couple of these babies on the toilet seat this week and they are rock fucking solid. I feel like I could take a running start and the thing still wouldn’t budge. top tier toilet engineering

babies learning to walk look like they’re doing a mean impression of a grown up

I frew up

my daughter got stung by a bee for the first time last night. got her a popsicle and calmed her down but she was still so sad. "I wasn't even bothering that little bee"

you'd be hard-pressed to make a more compelling argument for the way things are now than that we're all trapped in the fitful dream of someone dying in front of a tv. everything that happens involves someone from tv

by the power vested in me by the holy order of the knights templar and the masonic temple I hereby designate MADD a terrorist organization

based on current trends it seems the most likely trigger point for civil war will be when the president cancels wheel

comedy is now legal

any decline in viewership caused by sidelining their most bankable star to appease an increasingly authoritarian regime will be largely offset once late night audiences discover the comedic talent and broad appeal of a replacement like greg gutfeld

wearing my university of austin hat and desperately refreshing the pages of my heroes in the intellectual dark web waiting to read their full-throated defenses of jimmy kimmel

dad didn’t want to be outdone and sent me this one from pompeii

my beloved wife is STILL ALIVE she just dresses like a TERRIFYING PHANTOM for FASHION REASONS

SENATOR: Sir, are you familiar with shitting your pants? ME: Yes. SENATOR: Would you admit to shitting your pants? ME: Yes. SENATOR: Did you shit your pants, sir? ME: For centuries philosophers have debated the question of responsibility. Is it possible to ever truly "know" anything? Kant once said:

love taking a sip of the hot coffee-flavored air at the top of my coffee cup that tells me my coffee is still too hot to drink

while progressive issues appear to poll well with a broad swath of the american electorate, that's not true if you use these new kinds of numbers we just made up

my old timey ice cream shoppe has been getting walloped ever since they opened the hostel human hunting club next door

people who still post on twitter I guess have at this point made up their minds but if you’re looking for another good reason to dump twitter and tiktok maybe consider how fun it would be to make these bad investments for some of the world’s most annoying boneheads

wife asked if this was a “shooting game”

(while being swarmed by hornets) Sorry! Just seeing this!

how far are you guys traveling for groceries

I know that a lot of people are sad about the Robert Redford news, but for me it's a little more complicated considering he once offered me $100 to sleep with my wife

I’m gonna get started on the authoritarian crackdown just as soon as I finish gutting state capacity

man, rough. imagine helping a buddy get away with murder and then he turns around and sues you for fifteen billion dollars

banging the gavel at the school board meeting. very camp

thinking about becoming a "powerball influencer." hosting powerball live streams. sharing tips and strategies

the great unanswered question of all ordered society is how to get people to care about stuff. telling them they have to has not, historically, uhh worked

the first scientist who figures out how to make afternoon time move as fast as morning time will be heralded as a saint

to the commentariat ideas are a sport, and persuading people to believe your ideas is points. if you persuade a lot of people that your ideas are good you win the ideas game. it doesn’t matter what the ideas are really, but you do get more points if they’re repugnant

don’t worry guys. I will figure out how to make TVs

the baby is in that adorable transition stage between “if mommy is out of my sight for more than ten seconds I will literally explode” and “there is no corner of this wretched earth that I will not conquer”

a millionaire? I’ve got two toilets in my house, man. what more could you want

not going to pretend borderlands 4 is high art but I appreciate that it’s unabashedly stupid. sometimes I do just want to shoot stuff on a big map. kill ten space rats? I can definitely do that for you

this is the only photo my mother sent me from her vacation to florence