Cyber Monday Giving Tuesday Breaking Bad Wednesday How Hard Can It Be? We Just Won't Get Greedy Thursday If You're A Cop You Have To Tell Us Friday

this song is great, but I’d argue that Derek B’s Chillin with Santa is greater

We were the victims of a earth shattering driveby* today. stay safe out there * my FIL drove by and put leftover turkey in our mailbox

coming out the display and I’ve been doing JUST FINE

“you built a TIME MACHINE… out of a TESLA” just doesn’t sit right with

*courtney love voice* GO ON

Happy Skanksgiving everybody

I used to share this every year over in The Bad Place, so I feel like it’s important to keep tradition and spread awareness over here too. I’m very proud of this photo because I took it at the EXACT moment when my daughter told her cousin “that’s its butthole”.

every movie should end with John Candy smiling

you will NOT believe this. this guy ran out of fucks ages ago

when you’re out the day before Thanksgiving and see the one other guy who’s also been to a fucking grocery store before

I was talking about stupid trends with my wife and we agreed that someone is going to make "adult pacifiers" a thing

"Do not eat," if you know what I mean

Good morning to Brazilian reporter Manuela Borges, who’s been waiting eleven years for this petty moment. ❤️ 🇧🇷

I know it was you, Charlie Brown. You broke my heart

sorry but I’m not indulging in your “delicious foods aren’t delicious” fetish

"overrated" - anyone with common sense

thinking about that live version of While My Guitar Gently Weeps, and the first guy who solos is probably thinking “yeah I did a really nice job there” and then Prince comes on and lays down the most epic guitar solo of all time

my friends………… the ham has been mailed

back on my bullshit again (watching videos of people making huge volumes of Hot Pot)

people, it’s 2025. you do not need to argue about stars Trek vs Wars

*colliding with another plane because an overworked air traffic controller makes a mistake* did you guys see my impeccable Windsor knot

this playlist went from pretty good to great by including Billy Squier’s Christmas Is A Time To Say I Love You

remembering what I ate for lunch precisely four years ago in Mexico

You’re gonna need a bigger boat, Charlie Brown

I wonder if my large teen son has a Zyn problem

and Iiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeiiiii will always love youoooooo

the working title to Caddy Shack

a friend who lives abroad has entrusted me with mailing a local smoked ham to his family stateside. I have never been so honored and I will not fail him

my daughter just gave me the finger for four and a half minutes. a new personal record for the both of us

there are more stars in the universe than grains of sand on Earth

"who farted? just kidding, we know it was Grandma"

searching the dark web for old school, non-LED lightbulbs

Timeline Cleanse. Dogs reacting to magic tricks. 🥰😂🤣

this also applies to the young spazzy Doberman I met yesterday who enjoyed gnawing my hands and trying to eat my face. still, good dog

WHOOOOOO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA

Lord I do not ask for much

Your own Inflatable Jesus Someone to fill with air

pardon my French, but hell yes

when you're playing with the Fetterman style adjustment knob

I don't give a shit that twitter is down, but this outage is preventing me from playing off-brand tetris while stuck on a phone call

ok. so you burned down your house deep frying a turkey. that don’t impress me much

He was a Whopper, I was a McRib—back for a limited time, only at participating locations. He told me to "have it your way," I was content enough to say "I'm lovin' it." Could I really be his Burger Queen? He doesn't have a worm in his brain by the way. So the memes are wrong, the ones about the worm

the audio book engineer when it's time for her to record the RFK Jr. stuff

great start to the morning

Erling fucking Haaland

My wife, standing precisely six inches behind me as I hang the 87th shelf in our daughter’s bedroom: can I help

*walking in on Trump sucking off Clinton* well well well if it isn’t the blowjob brothers