ME: relaxing on the couch with a beer MY TWEAKY LOWER BACK: oh I don’t fucking think so

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

in the wake of Charlie Kirk's death I saw a lot of conservatives menacingly making TikToks from the driver's seat of their F-150 going "you don't yet realize what wrath you've unleashed, prepare for war" and in the weeks since that war has pretty much been 100% "bothering teenage baristas"

CHOTINER: you’ve met someone? P. MCCARTNEY: Yes! my heart went boom! CHOTINER: ok PAUL: I crossed that room & held her hand in mine CHOTINER: nice PAUL: we danced through the night & we held each other tight! CHOTINER: and how old is she? PAUL: wha- CHOTINER: how old? PAUL: she was just 17

CHOTINER: you’ve met someone? P. MCCARTNEY: Yes! my heart went boom! CHOTINER: ok PAUL: I crossed that room & held her hand in mine CHOTINER: nice PAUL: we danced through the night & we held each other tight! CHOTINER: and how old is she? PAUL: wha- CHOTINER: how old? PAUL: she was just 17

CAL RALEIGH: it was pretty fuc- ISAAC CHOTINER: IT WAS PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME

KING: you there! Baker! how many blackbirds did you bake in this pie?? BAKER: four KING: are you fucking stupid?? that’s not nearly enough blackbirds you idio- BAKER: and twenty 💅

when I hear there’s a modern kimono jacket with an American twist

*tom petty voice* ♫ yeah the vente is the pølse part ♫

the other side says "Blacks Rule"

"How was your day at school?"... -Issac Chotiner's kid starts sweating profusely at the dinner table

ISAAC CHOTINER: hello ME:

BREAKING: Florida cop treated for autism after exposure to tylenol during traffic stop

leave your dogs home, shitbirds

Christian persecution in America is best defined by this image: No actual struggle, wearing clothes that cost more than my entire wardrobe, polished cross instead of rugged, and surrounded by crowds of fellow hypocrites cheering on bigotry who believe they're the victims.

JESUS: Hi ZEALOTS: the rapture is happening!!! JESUS [sits backwards in chair]: you know what else is “happening?” respecting your parents and teachers

PREGNANT LADY: wow I have a terrible headache ME [helpfully, after watching the news]: have you tried laudanum

The Blues Brothers

my mailman’s name is Jimmy and today there was a flyer in the mail titled “Updates from Jimmy.” in it he noted that “unless you tell me otherwise I will be giving your dog treats”

let’s kebab

Look at these dudes frolicking

This may seem cute but if you do this too much the cyclists may become reliant on cars feeding them, disrupting the delicate roadway ecosystem

Pam Bondi is launching a RICO investigation into the Bill’s mafia

once again the song of mid-September is All I Want by Toad The Wet Sproket

"I'm sorry... Lincoln? a play?"

"I'm sorry... Lincoln? a play?"

post a movie you like with a terrible rotten tomatoes score

One of these rich dudes invested in a food company with all proceeds going to kids in need. The other started Sundance Institute, boosting the lives of countless artists. Hey modern rich dudes, don't be a typical greedy AI crypto-prick, be like these two.

*in an extremely normal, not at all creepy voice* yes ma’am would you like a ride in the Party Tobogan

if you see this, quote with the energy you bring to bluesky

CORMAC MCCARTHY: He never sleeps. He says that he will never die. He dances in light and in shadow and he is a great favorite. He never sleeps, the judge. He is dancing, dancing. He says that he will never die. JOE ROGAN: sure. I've met guys like that

the epstein footage is missing a minute because jeffrey started singing hey jude in his cell. justice dept doesn’t want to pay for the licensing. somewhat understandable

[writing the constitution] Benjamin Franklin: Write down "no dumb fucks as president" Alexander Hamilton: Stop saying that Benjamin Franklin: I'm tellin' you. You're gonna regret not writing that down

ME: wanna hear a joke BSKY REPLY PERSON: a what

I would like to hear Michael Shannon recite Froggy Went A-Courtin’

the Hunchback, on his working conditions

just watched Dead Poets Society for the first time in decades with my daughter. boy does it still pack a gut punch

hey what about this one: Charlie Jerk

a friend living it Italy got Radiohead tickets for november. that's great. I'm so happy for him

timeline cleanse: pour gasoline on your phone and light it

hello fellow account suspension victims

why not just ask grok to solve the case? seems faster

the demonizing will continue until morale improves

and now, my thoughts on Charlie Kirk’s death

in other good news, I saw a black bear and a fox tonight

and now, my thoughts on Charlie Kirk’s death