ALL GOO, NO EGG

Self-proclaimed dairy farmer from Alberta didn't realize he was in a vegan fake meat restaurant until his food arrived and he noped right out of here

BIG 👏 YELLOW 👏 SULFUR 👏 PILE 👏

We love the exchange rate, folks

COLLINP1.BMF

the Artemis II crew just posted a new photo. what the fuck

Not hung over even though I should be 🙌

Crossed an international border to witness history 🫡

Guy who comes back from vacation with a Canadian accent

@timbersarmy.org tifo in Vancouver: "won't you still be our neighbor (sic)?"

Teleported! to the Waffle House

ladies and gentlemen the bee gees

To have and to hold, to honor and cherish, to explain how the hotel shower works if you're the first one to use it

let's all invite our parents and grandparents here to save this website we love

get a bidet get a bidet get a bidet now

If you want revenge, then dig two graves. the first one is a practice grave to get a feel for it and the second is your main or "show grave"

"I have placed a bomb on this train that will explode if we go slower than 50 miles an hour" "Ok, well we're just on these tracks and it's 2 hours til the next stop so please take your seat, sir"

If you see something suspicious or unusual, say something suspicious or unusual

<I’m wheeled into the Pitt> Santos: male, 36, at happy hour, now saying “tummy feel crazy” Al-Hashimi: 47% of men’s bodies reject modern IPAs. They’re too hoppy now Robi: the silent killer. Get him to surgery McKay <alone now, staring straight at camera>: I am the same type of communist as you

JESUS CHRIST (ninth hour): Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? GOOFY (present at the crucifixion): Gawrsh

Second year in a row I don't get to take the train to Vancouver, but at least this year it isn't because my grandma died

Sure thing, Sharepoint. I want to open Excel in my browser. Why not. I want to open my powerpoint slides in minesweeper. I don't care anymore. I want to open a can of coke in a thirty foot concrete cube. Fuck it.

Wishing a speedy recovery to Eugene Mirman!

I've posted it several times before, but the hardest I have personally laughed at a tweet.

In space, no one can share your screen

Procrastinator who lies to all his friends tomorrow

Fuck him up socrates

If I could go back and tell my 18-year-old self anything, it would probably be a Simpsons quote

If your package stays on label created for more than 24 hours, you should be legally allowed to bludgeon the seller with a bat

Serving size is 14 crackers but almost every cracker is broken so I'm calculating the surface area of each fragment to determine my Cracker Equivalent Consumed (CEC)

I'm actually one quarter fool on my mom's side

Turn up the volume, ffs

Batter whose walkup music is Round Here by Counting Crows in its entirety

Happy trans day of visibility to my friends and also this criminally underrated album

Trying to read enough posts to win a personal pan pizza

FIRST PERSON TO DISCOVER FIRE: ow ow OW FUCK OWW

Oh hey, guess who gets to go to a cooler country again this weekend

Calling a truck the Toyota Tacoma is so funny, naming a pickup after a smaller, shittier version of a better city nearby. Like calling it a Dodge Newark

Hot take: this was better than slut gnomes of false berlin

If you win an ABS challenge they should let you call the ump a name on a mic to the whole stadium each time

Best railcar graffiti I've ever seen

[Sarah McLachlan voice] 🎶 in the jaws of a hellbeast

Alright, this is the year we're gonna make them stop mowing their lawns

another banner day for "if you didn't know sports were real, ESPN headlines would be crazy"

Boomhuaur voice: talkin bout dang ol waifu man