when you're going up to Seattle to watch baseball all weekend but you take the earlier train because your friend scored two free floor tickets for The Who >>>>>>>>>

I cannot WAIT to watch baseball again without that stupid white rectangle. It's gonna be like seeing your cat without their collar

I have a sixth sense and synaesthesia. I can smell your thoughts

It's a beautiful day to open your windows and listen to your neighbor's power tools

When I encounter myself as a different colored cursor because I have the Google Doc open in two tabs

Don't let the door fracture ya where the good lord raptured ya

I'm New York sober (only do needle drugs)

God I can't wait to have this planet to ourselves

Thought I was getting raptured but it was just gas

[90s growly alternative rock singer voice] I have a tummyache

wifi-enabled microwave with 2-factor authentication. You have to enter a code from a text message before pressing start

One of those lovely videos where a dementia patient sits at a piano and suddenly recalls how to play, but it's me at 87, and my family is tearing up when they put an old phone in my hand and I post "dick look like an elf after a Keebler industrial accident"

[to the tune of Kickstand by Soundgarden, about my sit/stand desk] sit/stand you got tall and I stood up sit/stand now I can't reach my coffee cup

The origins of the name "Fall" go back many centuries to when all the seasons were named for what the leaves are doing: Grow, Just Sit There, Be Absent...

Changing doctors after mine asked me to mail him some of my poop. Absolute prevert

Returning my latte to the coffee shop because the foam wasn't still in a heart shape when I got home

brushing a car like a horse

A handy cheat sheet

am sure this absolutely sucked to deal with but this also looks like the cover for a killer circa-2009 indie rock EP

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

areadoug777: My wife likes the house so hot. I turn the thermostat down to like 65, and then my wife turns it up to 70. Joke’s on her. I wanted it at 70 the whole time lol. It’s all about how you play the game, fellas Jacques0: en france, we do not have this idea. this échecs de femme… uh wifechess

Airplanes should flap their wings when they fly. Don't you want to see a bunch of airplanes flying around flapping their wings? They should make them have to do that

this exists it is called thinking

they should invent a potato peeler you can find

(wholesome country man) a mouthwatering blend of our signature syrups and thickeners

Please delete this right now. I don't want anyone to see it

SEPHIROTH: Those Who Look With Clouded Eyes See Nothing But Shadows CAJUN CHEF CHARACTER (new to remastered edition): now you dont listen to mister sephiroth, thats just his way. that old sourpuss never stops his grumblin, except of course when he's eatin some of my famous etouffee

(DMing girl) Life is so randommm it's like.. Whyyyyyy Lol. (logging into Albert Einstein role playing account) (DMing same girl) Life makes perfect since

probiotic hand sanitizer

Worms have 10 hearts. But zero Purple Hearts. This is because they have no honor. In fact, they have desecrated almost every corpse

Centrist who is into pseudo science from both sides. “I’m a Pisces and that’s why my skull is shaped like this”

[Jay Leno voice] there is a house in New Orleans... You all see this? You hear about this?

people/link, internet provider, print ad, imagery (1985) archive.org/details/1985...

They call it a closet because you put your clos in et

Neighbor is getting a new roof and all afternoon the nail gun has been playing shave and a haircut and I'm about to burst through the wall Roger Rabbit style

Cool ranch lacroix

My doctor said I have the heart of a 20-year-old. He also said, "what are you doing in the organ donor ward?" and, "security!"

Please arrive to your doctor's appointment 15 minutes early so we can make you wait for half an hour

Invented a new slang, "got on the discover tab" for when you do something good that results in a lot of unwanted attention. Like you do a good job at work so your boss puts you on some planning committee, "boy you really got on the discover tab for that one"

Carl Sagan: (reincarnated as smart fridge as punishment for promoting science over religion) Yᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ʟᴏᴡ ᴏɴ ᴍɪʟᴋ Me: Ugh, these things are so annoying. I wish my fridge didn’t talk Carl Sagan: (desperately trying to say “It’s me, Carl Sagan! I’m trapped in here!”) Aʟᴇʀᴛ﹕ Mᴜsᴛᴀʀᴅ ᴇxᴘɪʀᴇᴅ

The Internet of the 21st century was a mistake. We're going back to the internet of 1995. You cannot use the internet and talk on the phone at the same time. Amazon is a website that sells books. There is no social media. There are message boards, chatrooms, and everyone gets one (1) Geocities page

When you click "demand more" in Football Manager and your team scores

I’m on a Dubai chocolate diet, i see chocolate and i Do Buy it!

Strongly considering removing my brain through my nose rn

POV: you're taking a selfie and don't know what POV means

There's no email I look forward to receiving more than my Microsoft Outlook Reactions Daily Digest, which requires me to click a link which opens a browser window which requires two factor authentication which opens the Outlook web app which shows me my email that someone reacted to with an emoji

may I speak with the primary poster in your household?

When I'm cooking and some food falls between the oven and the fridge, that is simply none of my business

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74