Mixed Doubles Falling Down the Stairs

douglas adams was our most accurate futurist

Sometimes you chop the unc, and sometimes the unc chops you

🎶 bow down before the one you serve Did we save room for some dessert?

Don't let the Olympics fool you. Fun, sexy snow is a myth. Snow is an emergency.

Curlers have no business being this sexy. Every curler should look like someone who just drank a case of beer while ice fishing and has worn the same plaid shirt for the last 30 years

the predator using his little targeting beam to try and light his way down the hall to take a leak at 2am and tripping over a bunch of skulls

Anyone know the market value of an old Canadian $2 bill signed "To Mary, What a body! -Wayne Gretzky"

Amazon Basics Toyota Corolla

Eating a single check mick

Valentine's Day is just a holiday cooked up by Big Bow And Arrow to sell weaponry to babies

In the Criterion closet, I grab the movie Gigli which opens a secret door revealing a room where a race of oompa loompas are forced to make all of Wes Anderson's movies

making the video game taking damage grunt every time I get a new email

Started working half days on Friday and so far I've used my first afternoon off to do a home improvement project, vacuum, and empty the dishwasher

Here's a trick I learned from a recording engineer: organize your XLR cables with a hose reel

Nondairy whipped topping (spackle)

[watching one of the most elite athletes on earth make a mistake] Me, with a mouthful of donut: "unbelievable, how can you miss that?"

[leaves home] Android Auto 3 minutes later: "I bet this guy really wants directions back home"

Portland!! Or anyone else whose city is on the list!! Gogogo

a compilation album that's just the clips of songs from commercials for other compilation albums. 800 tracks all by the original artists! 🎶 Love lift us up where we belong... Who can it be now... And I would walk 500 miles... [an hour and hundreds of tracks later] if I leave here tomorrow...

Remembering Lenny Randle, born on this date in 1949

Really looking forward to the on-air apology

Making a sandcastle is much like ruling a real castle. You are under constant threat from your siblings

They should have commercials for oatmeal, like they do for cereal, with a wacky cartoon Quaker. The kids keep trying to take it from him, but he can’t fight back for religious reasons

Zack Wheeler got the Manson surgery

shop the look

No son, they are not "magically delicious." The workers made them delicious. This is a slogan meant to mystify the social conditions of labor

That's what you get for dating a bi athlete

They're calling HRT a "sex-rejecting procedure" now. I guess that means my wife gives me HRT every night!

Hey

Today is like the super bowl for drunk drivers

Drunken Seahawks Fans Climbing Space Needle

[Kenny Loggins voice] 🎶 lined up in the neutral zone

They should try putting a celebrity in a commercial

No Kings includes Draft Kings

Maples: The Leaves of Fate

For Super Bowl Sunday: last weekend I went to a Pittsburgh Steelers bar in Rome (Italy)

Big day for sporting events that will sue you for saying their name

I never noticed this either.

MARTIN: Sorry, Fraish, you're gonna have to tape Masterpiece Theater tonight. The Big Game's on: Seattle versus New England. NILES: Oh, I didn't realize the Crane-Sternin divorce proceedings were being televised. [FRASIER shoots NILES a withering glare during laugh break.]

You can take your used coffee grounds and mix them with 1/2 cup of white vinegar, it’s cheap & easy and it creates a huge mess that smells terrible

[watching through military binoculars as orange slices are handed out to kids between halves at pee wee soccer] This is PROFESSIONAL grade logistics. Look at the matching uniforms. Look at the coordination. Someone is BANKROLLING this operation. [retreats using a series of elaborate rolls]

Never Forget

It can only be called the Vince Lombardy Trophy if it comes from the Lombardy region of Italy

We can easily do the Olympics every year. Let’s just add in the spring and fall Olympics on the 1s and 3s. I want to win a bronze medal in corn maze. I want to take home the gold in allergies.

the hell did you just say to me you