scientists have birthed a very large bee. but they keep it hidden

Me: don’t go outside there’s a hippo out there My brother: I don’t see a hippo Me: … somewhere

you are kidding yourself if you carry a flickering lantern along the winding path through the dark woods and think that the approaching thunderous hoofbeats signal the arrival of anyone other than the inimitable headless horseman

Convince your neighbors you own a pet owl by yelling "has anyone seen my pet owl" through their letterbox at 4am

bugs are just like us

Dust particles for lunch

Stop what you're doing, head down to your local library and check out a book about worms. Unless you're not interested in books about worms, in which case you should probably do something else

Okay, so you know string cheese? Rope Cheese! It's thicker. Like a rolled up newspaper.

got into an argument with my cat again but we came to an agreement: she can do whatever she wants

We’re getting rid of leaf blowers by eating 50 leaves a day each. Get out there

People are at their most vulnerable when they're flying a kite... The perfect time to attack

The personal computer was mistake. Computers should be huge and scary

I'm never more than 50% aware of what my hands are doing at any time. One time I looked away for a moment and they knitted a scarf

gonna get a mouse and name it Ratsputin so people will be like "i get it cuz he's a rat" and i'll be like "no he's a mouse"

Moon last night gave me powers. Remains to be seen if they’re good or bad. I’m thinking probably mixed bag, like everything

everybody’s jealous of me since I decided to get plastic surgery to have Cuttlefish skin. they‘re resentful because I camouflage myself as a brick wall or a gorseberry bush in order to steal their croissants off their plates at cafes. I’ve never felt so beautiful

If anyone's free later I was going to make a round of my famous mustard sandwiches then lunge wildly into the side of a parked ambulance for reasons unclear even to me

Ghoul and goblin awareness: There are ghouls and goblins

Everyone at work is always talking about how normal I am. "I've never seen someone so normal," they all say, gathering around my desk to cheer and applaud

If we all synchronise our movements just right we can produce a dazzling visual illusion that disorients and confuses all predators

if you ate food from 2005 you could become ill. but in 2005 you ate it all the time

I prefer Hallowe'en instead of Halloween. Breaks it up a bit so it's not as scary

I should be allowed to travel through the postal system

I came here to do two things: Learn how to count.

some of the things i’m hearing said about me out there are “i hope he eats a donut soon” and “that guy should eat a donut”

i dont ask my friends how they are i just yell STATUS REPORT

Tired of fake friends who use a block of cheese on a string as a ruse to get me into my travel carrier

Once the night lotion has been applied, the face is sealed. No new business. For the face

Every question you ask at the end of a work meeting should be deducted from your lifespan

Snails can move faster than that. They're just being cautious

the tumble setting on a dryer can be used to make cement but only once

Can't even say "shiver me timbers" or call your coworkers "landlubbers" any more without people making all kinds of assumptions about you

(Flipping a bug upright) Up she goes. Chin up. There's a good lad

Love makes you do crazy things. One time I jumped out of the bushes wearing a panda costume and shot my mailman with a blow dart

Walking around town in just a towel. People are stopping to shake my hand and wish me well

It's weird how nobody ever talks about the fact that we all hear incredibly loud discordant high-tempo circus music in our heads at all times

In lieu of sleep, I've decided to travel to a small logging town & investigate a series of strange disappearances.

remember, 4-5 fun size candy bar wrappers in the garbage can can easily be covered by a crumpled paper towel

it appears my arch-nemesis, me from yesterday, has struck again

Instead of a 10 minute walk every day I've decided to start going for a 109,000 minute walk every 30 years

Which video game character are you? Please keep all answers to yourself. Just something to think about

Scientists announced that they've discovered a number higher than 100, but they refuse to release any more information until additional tests can be done

My cat has been using umlauts in some of her meows recently. It's subtle but I can tell

there should just be one snake that's long enough to always be everywhere snakes are needed

Love the pull tab on soup. Love to pop open a Soup and chug it straight out of the can.

Bad news everyone, the rats that live in my ventriloquist dummy have learned how to operate the controls

Can't decide whether I'm more jealous of insects, who have their skeleton on the outside and get to see it all the time, or of octopuses, who have no skeleton and are free of the hegemony of the rigid.

are you enjoying the dulcet tones of songbirds in the verdant meadow beyond the enchanted wood, Y or N