I’ll stop at most things to get what I want

I'm about to say something controversial but I have to be honest: Today is a perfect day to throw a potato and a carrot and an onion and a meat (or meat alternative) into a pot and then boil it until it turns into a stew.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. They can also repel pharmacists if you throw them hard enough. But you're going to need a pineapple or a durian if you want to take down a dentist.

could you pls hold this for a me *hands you some wasps*

if your emperor doesn't pretend to idly conduct their chamber musicians with a poultry drumstick during feasts then theyre washed

i don’t think i can wait until raccoons are actually domesticated. i’m just gonna go ahead and let them in my house

Thinking about starting one of those accounts that posts photos of their pets with captions written from the pet's point of view. My gimmick would be that my pet is a japanese spider crab and the only thing it ever says is "I'm going to get you"

It is okay to smell like wet dog if you have been making friends with a wet dog.

I’ve been interesting for two months now and no one’s even said anything

Restaurant tables should have wheels and motors and you should be able to race them around the restaurant crashing into each other like bumper cars. We should do this to make life more chaotic and difficult in general

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal this morning, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

I don't deny that dogs can sometimes be quite lovely but what I will say is I don't trust their opinions. If a cat recommended me an album it had bought, I'd totally check it out. If a dog did the same, I'd promise to listen to the album, out of politeness, with no intention of actually doing so

Weather vanes are perfect when a guest is arguing about which direction the wind is blowing. The look on their face when they realize you have a weather vane..

operator: 911, please state the nature of your emergency me: i know a lot of popular songs. a lot of times when i’m out and about and i hear a song, i know exactly which song it is operator: oh wow. were you born in any particular year me: i sure was operator: that’s great. gotta love it

I'm saving over 300/month on food shopping by just eating whatever comes floating down the creek

what are some good groceries to buy as a beginner

I don't condone behavior

forgot the wifi password for my crude tunnel system

The ideal social media site would only allow photos of animals, lunches and craft projects, and the only comments you're allowed to make are 'Hello', 'Very cool' and 'We are friends'

I don't think music should be very good

There should be a lot more hairstyles for dogs

Worms are free and they're everywhere. If you're not crawling around in your garden with a trowel at least 3 times a day, you're just leaving worms on the table

i’m teaching a class at the adult learning annex about living a life based on the principles of the rat

Lunch is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced

Well, I finally gave in and bought a feral mountain lion for my home office. Honestly I'm not sure what all the fuss is about, it's actually been a huge inconvenience

finding out recently that almost all the words in the dictionary are not IP and are in fact open source/public domain was an absolute game changer for me as a writer

it pains me to have to admit this to everyone, but when a lightbulb appears above my head, it’s not because i have a bright idea; i am just thinking about a lightbulb

I like to unwind after a long day at work by closing the curtains and peeling 30 boiled eggs in the darkness while listening to classical music at a traumatic volume

We gotta drop "What do you do for fun?" question from the small talk list. It's too hard. I always panic and say something like I like to eat lunch

farm to table doesn't impress me. let my food go on a journey. let it see the world

i don’t think asking a delivery person to brush your hair is weird but maybe that’s just me

Instead of snacking throughout the day I've started eating a single gigantic 45,000 calorie ultrameal every 2-3 weeks

It's called a cast iron pan because you cast it into the dishwasher

The stop sign makes a compelling point

My archnemesis is out of town for a few days. Looking for someone to cover on a temp-to-perm basis. Duties will include foiling my criminal misdeeds and occasional light clerical work

Introducing Boilet, the FIRST toilet that keeps the bowl water at a perfect 100 degrees Celsius

The primary goal of any shower can be seen as total enwettment

Asking the waiter for one of their largest decomposing vegetables then impressing my date with how quickly I break it down with my superior enzymes

When people say "you can't eat gravel" what they actually mean is "it's not easy or normal to eat gravel." Big difference.

remember the coffee isn’t working until you can feel colors

No one in this ball pit is taking me seriously.

Today's young people are far too young for my liking. And they shouldn't run so fast when I'm trying to chase them down in my biplane

[plucks a neutrino from the air using chopsticks] force not weak enough you lil rascal

sick of birds sitting on electrical wires. they’re bragging

during the work day my rage metre builds up, allowing me to unleash a powerful & ill advised special attack around 4pm

You can drill a hole in a bicycle frame and fill it to the brim with cheddar & broccoli soup and then weld the hole shut and paint over it. Nobody has to know

Do yall care about oozes, slimes, and gunks in this day and age or not

I still have all my friends from childhood because they know too much

No animals were harmed during the making of this movie, but we did dress a gerbil up as a magician, which while not technically illegal does seem worth mentioning

The perfect amount of food is either half as much as you want or 30% too much