Roamed the misty moors during the dusky dawn, so that’s done anyway

i just want to go on record and say that i would never free zoo animals cause that’s not allowed. so if you ever hear anything about that just go ahead and disregard it, okay?

Tired of everyone criticising me for my words and actions. What of my rich inner life? What of my pure intentions?

handing out raw eggs at the train station

Just bought a gag clock that's only right twice a day. This thing is hilarious

A dog is a man's best friend. A lobster is a dog's best friend. A tractor is a lobster's best friend. And so on in that order

I have mastered the technique of pressing the lever so I almost always get a pellet and rarely shocked

my handlers just added a pile of hay to my enclosure. both comfortable and stylish

Daily routine: 5x sets writhing 5x sets lurking 5x sets slinking 10 minutes gnawing through electrical cables 10 minutes lunging wildly at passing traffic

I barely think about The Obelisk anymore. Couldn't care less about its strangely oily surface or the gentle hum of its presence

they should make more video games where you play as a dog with a sword in it’s mouth

Why can owls necks even do that? The answer is in my new research paper: “Why Can Owls Necks Even Do That”

In my dream I was wearing a white shirt that said NO MENTAL EXPERIENCES

Attention microscopic creatures: What are you doing down there? Show yourselves

the water department is sending something up the pipes to get me

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

I can't even pour one jar of mayonnaise into my toaster before it stops working. That's called "planned obsolescence"

(Texting you from Bandit's Pass) sorry can't talk rn. I'm being waylaid

if i move to a smaller place i'll probably have to put The Experiment in a storage locker

Here's the crux of the gist: we're on the cusp of a brink

I've decided to start my own hive mind. It's just me so far

We need to be digging trenches and tunnels

We Tested 14 Different Brands Of Snow Shovels. We Won't Tell You What We Found. We Alone Hold This Knowledge

I have never been involved in anything specific. I just float lightly about

Nothing quite like the feeling of taking off your lobster costume after a long day of chasing strangers around the arboretum

A pack of white T's and your splashiest spaghetti sauce, please. To go, thanks. Your thinest paper bag as well would be lovely. Hmm? Ohh yes, it's an icy one out there for sure. No, I don't need a receipt, thanks

People shouldn't be having gunfights at high noon. They should be eating lunch

"Let's all stomp around in heavy boots and drop stuff on the floor 100 times a day" - the rude family whose basement I'm secretly living in

Studying architecture so I can finally start building giant, inscrutable chicken nugget-shaped obelisks in the desert.

if you’re reading this you can read

They should compress all the air. More room for other stuff that way

I look normal, and my arms are a regular length, and there's nothing weird about my teeth or the people who live in my teeth

it's every fisherman's dream to stumble upon an unsolved murder

It’s OK for me to say stupid stuff, because I am stupid and it is my culture

replying to every post with "i talk about this in my book"

making subtle but necessary corrections to my bone density

Years ago my sister got her cats this fancy chicken wet food and had it in a bowl in her fridge. i made the worst the chicken salad sandwich ive ever eaten with it and once a year my family still gets together to roast me about it. They can never find out i actually made 2 sandwiches and ate both

Picture a crab. Now picture yourself putting a little wig on the crab and kissing it. Ok stop that now, you're being weird

“Never go to bed angry” People will often tell you this to stop you waking up too powerful

(a bell rings, reminding me of previous times i have eaten) these memories are so good... might as well salivate. it's my choice.

Everybody mocked me when I signed up for online karate classes but guess who's already almost finished downloading their e-belt?

Nobody expects you to burst out of the tarmac in your nuclear-powered tunnelling machine and rip their car in half with your mighty mechanical claws. That's what makes it such a fun surprise!

There's a rumour going around that i hate $7. Not true. It's not my favourite dollar amount, but i have very little hate for any amount of money

one of my favorite things to do is move one or two pieces of furniture maybe like 3 feet and then say it “opens up all kinds of possibilities”

Going to eat a bunch of magnets just to see if that's anything

After a certain age you have to recalibrate what is worth lunging for. It better be good because 50/50 shot you pull something.

i learn something new every day and i’m sick of it

There’s always one guy who gets to the first full moon of the year and tells everyone in the group chat that it’s time to get serious about building The Monument

Pigeon on the train this morning. An auspicious omen. Calmly walking around the carriage fully aware that it could trigger utter chaos at a moment's notice. We all fear and respect this noble beast.

My new year’s resolution is to not be cloven in twain