i think phone screens should have animations of bugs crawling on them . all the time and U can't turn that feature off

there’s what appears to be a poorly concealed secret door in this doctor’s waiting room that has been stapled shut. trying not to blurt out “what’s behind that?” because i don’t know if the old men around me will rally to the cause

When a dog makes a non-standard dog noise like "arooroo" or "waaaaowaah" that's when the magic happens

foraging my lunch in the parking lot

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be supportive. Say stuff like, “Nice battling, dude.”

Shaved 5 minutes off my morning routine by brushing my teeth and riding the mechanical duck outside the supermarket at the same time

If I was a zookeeper, I would give a spare key to every animal somewhere inside the cage. If they can figure it out, they deserve it

inventing a new subgenre of country music in which all the songs are about living in tunnels

I've invented a new device that combines a microscope with a telescope so you can look at regular stuff normal-style

they should have an escalator that leads you straight into the sea

my handlers are considering releasing me into the wild bc i am unable to remain calm in my enclosure

A pair of jeans is two pipes that join together into one pipe. A shirt is a thick pipe with two thin pipes sticking out of the sides. Socks are one-ended pipes. I forget what point I was trying to make here

I'm deep in the recesses of the club. Like I'm in the boiler room at the club. Help

(New coworker jumps suddenly startled) oh that’s ominous Susan she likes to emerge from the shadows.. HR are trying to transfer her to a darker realm

Like everyone else, I wish I was 30 feet tall, but alas I am only 28 feet tall

3 things to know about me: - I will not rest until I have eaten every potato on the planet - It's not clear if I fully understand what a potato is - I cannot be stopped

hats are just a portable roof

they should make a laptop with a lawnmower pull cord instead of a button to start it up

Just had my protection status upgraded from "critically endangered" to "least concern" after scientists discovered a new colony of me thriving in the tidal rockpools off the coast of madagascar

For eons, if you wanted to sit in a waffle pocket like a maple syrup hot tub, either you got shrunken way down or the waffle got blown way up. What if I told you there’s another way

Due to everything, I will not be doing anything at this time

Repeat after me: I am valid. I am loved. My terrible secret is safe. They'll never find out. My sinister ulterior motives remain unseen.

Recipe for Normal Water 1 cups hot water 1 cups cold water Pour ingredients in bowl and stir until well combined

For just 3.99/hour I will perch above your front door like a human gargoyle and screech at passers-by. I will also do this if you don't pay me

[not listening at all] You've given me a lot to think about

(saying my daily affirmation) Yes

My easiest recipe yet for an upside-down cake. 1. Make a cake 2. Trip over the dog

My many enemies will be pleased to know that I have once again become entangled in a bead curtain

they are gonna throw me in the slammer for the “crime” of eating my delicious toothbrush

store called That's Mine where they get mad if you try to buy anything

Friendly reminder to behave normally and to not lunge wildly at people at the supermarket

(Crouching down, placing one hand in the slime trail right behind a snail) A snail was here, not 1 hour ago.. (Standing up) We're gaining on him

Restaurants should serve some stuff that isn’t safe to eat

the hot tub validates humanity’s inherent desire to become stew

If anyone's hungry I just made 40 devilled eggs. You can't have any, I just wanted you to know.

i think cats understand crime

On three I’m going to lunge at you from the shadows. Try to act natural

The best way to introduce yourself to a new coworker is to pick up a cactus and just start running at them

They need to invent a small cow for the home

Just saw an object in motion come to rest with absolutely no outside forces involved whatsoever

enough emails. stop it

Remember to hide a list of your landlord's fears and weaknesses in your rented home for the benefit of future tenants

My ancestors hail from distant swamps and bogs and came to this land to dampen the vibe

forgot to close the bread. kitchen crawling with geese

Normalise lying face down on the floor at any time for any reason

I can tell when a movie or show is paused

the mouth is the garage of the face

It's so much harder to clip my cat's toenails when she's wearing her combat exoskeleton

I think I could be persuaded into becoming very still for maybe a moment but then I would have to get right back to squirming