They're calling me the Joe Satriani of fucking up

we’ve all had that one homie who said stuff like “there’s an invisible walkway here we can use to get across” and then ⬛️⬛️ ⬛️⬛️ | | | | | | | | | | | 🧍‍♂️ 💥

[getting dragged into HR] What's wrong with a little office drone humor? I'm beeing pursecuted for my beeliefs!

Me, showing up to work in a yellow and black striped sweater: Good morning, what a day to bee a hive! [Louder] I said Good morning, what a day to [looking down at sweater and back to making unblinking eye contact with my boss] to BEEEEEE a hive

heating up cold brew concentrate in the break room microwave to make a proper cup of mud, brother

now, more than ever, a pie cooling on a window sill would fix me

Garfield is utterly powerless when the summer solstice is on a Monday. His enemies (Odie, Nermal, Bill Murray) are plotting something big for 2027.

my brain is still in its original packaging. a real collector's item for sure. thinking about sending it out for grading.

taco bell classic luxe box #art

I'm leaving the dumpster open for the crows and raccoons and in exchange they're going to steal the Hope Diamond for me.

items are too powerful

going to the gym in january because my new years resolution was to become an oaf

the perfect lunch is, of course, a panera brownie and watered down coffee at 3pm

Tending to my mould spores in the break room

Sorry I missed the team meeting boss I was hanging out on the power lines with a bunch of crows deciding who gets dive bombed.

Sometimes he just stares at the water for several minutes at a time

Me, when I receive yet another letter informing me of a data breach:

The Inimitable Vibesman

took my golden eagle to the gas station to hunt. I remove her blinder. a piercing scream and the sound of talons tearing flesh. a bag of andy capp hot fries lies at my feet.

hello, my name is Dougal McDouble

smiling and waving at all the different minerals

Reading newspaper comics and developing a thousand-garf stare

faded off gamer lean (nyquil mixed with baja blast)

Chill Tuesday night (17 beers and vibing with Bustamante Caramelo)

Please remain silent for 21 exploding colon salute to honor the creator of the dilberito

God said "Let There Be Light" just to make me scuttle under the fridge

[contemplating all of the power and effort it takes to ensure that the photons carrying my posts bounce off your eyes and are neuronally transmitted into your brain] lol

I'm full of promise, like an unopened bag of chips.

elegant off-grid shack with guest yurt

angry geometry teacher dads are tracking my location

I'm tired of hearing from area man for his reactions to the news of the day. Ask circumference man once in a while.

action mr fucker

Teams Status: kicking it ethereally 👽 Theremin Guy: 🎵👻🎶

Inventing a new genre called slambient

drank an energy drink this morning for the first time in a month and I was paralyzed for 45 minutes trying to reply to an email

Beavis amuses me...but this Butt-head troubles me so

Boss: did you expense a guy with a theremin to follow you around the office? [eerie tones coming from the break room] Me: maybe

restored all my hit points after enjoying a costco dog with a coke zero #blessed #lifehacks #justmagichateballthings

Trapped under a pile of mochi donuts. The prophecy was true

Me, human: check out my opposable thumbs and bipedal locomotion Bird: I can perch on power lines bro Me: you win

ʰᵉᵉ ʰᵉᵉ

SETI has failed because it is not configured to receive messages sent via Microsoft Teams

ice skating uphill to build strong quads

Model of a real working volcano the day after the science fair #garbageclassics

Writing the new year as 192026 on all my checks

Bartender: the usual? Me: make it a double [Bartender slides me a double zzzquil with a little umbrella]

Happy new year. The plan? Bringing Crazy Ralph energy to 2026