My wife walked into my vacuuming the house doing this and didn’t say anything about it

Boss just called my cell on the train and I was like yeag Im at desk but the internet is out and they’re like i dont see you at your desk rn and im like weird im waving [metro Operator begins lengthy announcement in the background ]

Texting my wife: “NBC4 Weather says another ‘Steamy Evening’ babe. What do you say…?”

Intermittently going 🎶 If you like piña coladaaaas 🎶 in a borderline shrill register and then saying “Mr. Warren Margaritaville Buffet, everyoneeeee” on the metro

-What’ll it be, Mr. Warren ‘Margaritaville’ Buffet, Sir? -The Usual -Of Course, Mr. Warren ‘Margaritaville’ Buffet, Sir: 🥤 🍔

Something that I learned from Warren Buffet before he died was that ‘Margaritaville’ is wherever You make it 🏝️ 🍹 🕊️

Books about ancient civilizations and water and mountains and wars and all the things you pull out as a kid. Dad with a stack of books more for himself. And of course there’s the smell, and there’s the light, and all that is in my mind all the time. And I knew it was nice but I know it’s special now

Three minutes into explaining the character of Piscataway settlements within the boundaries of the District to my seatmate on the metrobus “Of course, this is all second hand information, and mostly from john smith of all people 🙄 but you follow,”

‘Donald Duck’ is an old French preparation (similar to a confit) for duck. Fucked up they would name a children’s animated character after this

I don’t want to start something here but I don’t think the service academies should be allowed to play sports. Of course they’re going to beat like Rural State A&M because those kids are afraid of getting blown up like you gotta draw a line somewhere

Van Morrison voice: clown eyed girl

Calling sleep “bedicine”

I was wearing a hat I kinda go back and forth on while I was running errands earlier. And I wanted to ask every clerk, cashier, etc like hey. What do you make of this hat?

Fodern Mamily, legendary Brighton-Hove Albion halfback, of course

Guy: “You understand the rules of flag football, of course” Me, thinking flag football is when you get to pee on a flag of your choice if you win: “Of course.”

“ ‘Popular Music’? Yes, of course. Françoise Hardy, for instance, is a favorite. “

Sighing a little, calmly responding to a comment in an all staff with: “That’s an absurdity, of course,

Me: “I made a doggone list. But of course I don’t know where it is.” Wife: “I did not hear a word you said, other than ‘doggone’.” Me: “Yeah. Well, that was the load-bearing element of the sentence.”

Poster’s Madness is well known, of course. Lesser known yet equally as beautiful, tantalizing is « L’Extase Posteur » or “The Poster’s Ecstasy”

Easy solution to the middle seat issue on flights. They should make the seats on the outside of the plane be stacked bunkbed-like arrangements. One person lies in the bottom on one, the other on the top one. Middle aisle is a row built atop a bin for baggage. Easy. Engineers won’t, of course,

Become Demented? Yes ▫️ No ▫️

Wow gotta guy here named Ryan Seek Rest. Mf stays tired

"If you like it and you shoulda woulda ring on it!" -the single lady

Thinking about this again

People stopped dying from that Killer Lemonade Panerar was selling. That’s how you know they were just doing it for attention

Whenever I’m on a call with someone and they’re like, I’m so sorry, I have to take this can I call you right back! Im always like yeag of course and then I block their number when they call me back

Anal Assaltosis

I made my dad eat the rest.

My wife and I had a brief lunch date today and she walked into the place where I was already seated to me saying to myself “The Washington Crapitals are my life”

“We missed you at the meeting, TPL!” Bitch I told you not to catch feelings.

Ovi baby

Calling a city “new [whatever]” a insane behavior imo

Air O’Saul

Shelf Stable Hater

guy who gets mad at ahistorical swimming strokes in movies

Wearing a Shipibo tunic with James Joyce glasses and Pissing Everyone Off

Intermittently shouting “Irlando-Peruanismo!!” in a Great South American Orator Voice from my office in between beers

Suiting is so easy

If you don’t know about your local watershed then I don’t fuck with you

Fireworks are dumb position vindicated, naturally. As all of my opinions,

Now that those wannabe calvinist freaks have been excommunicated, they’re fair game for all buses, trains, other large moving things that can hit people

Babe Matthews Band

Thursday

If you would earnestly prefer angland win against Mexico there is truly no place in Heaven for you

Guy who can’t remember the word for “hookah” and keeps saying “loofah” instead

Intermittently repeating “Dark Taoist” and laughing to myself

My ass will be laughing

Such a useful post imo

People are funny as shit i just remembered this guy who worked at a place my wife worked at right out of college who had basically never been to a bar (otherwise very standard issue white male) and ended up at a happy hour I was at and looked up drinks to order at a bar on a phone and just said a

“Just the sandwich” orderer some really dark energy imo