hatching thoughts from the egg of the mind

step 1 of bank heist: disguise self as money

only Big John's Beauty Powder attacks ugliness at the source

pecking on some floor bits chicken-style

tumbleweed of the mind

the year is 2062. you can finally eat a laser

i tried to order an orange creamsicle from the garbage truck and it crushed all my fingers

microwaving a durian at work

world egg sucking championship to determine greatest grandmother of all time

alarm clock that clobbers you

(mortally wounded) gee whiz

sometimes i think about laying mr peanut onto a sacrificial stone then bludgeoning him with his fancy little cane

what corporate mascot do you think tastes best

i'm sorry i crushed your gentle spirit. have an egg

some say the ghost of my fastest lap still haunts trial mountain

i like to look at pictures of products and imagine how much respect and admiration i would receive if i owned them

red alert: hot singles have breached the perimeter

now what

Babe do not get out of the brine pool! No no im definitely not shoving the knobs from the oven in my mouth and chewin em up all crazy style. No babe I don't know how they get like that either.

highly-trained mercenaries stole my sandwich

ok guys. we need to act fast to prevent that wretched ball from triggering 2026 or we'll have to face the regret of fucking up another fresh start again

2026 will be different. it will have a 6 in it where the 5 was

writing secret notes on the inside of my eyelids

escaped a hello from my neighbor by jumping down the elevator shaft

doing a bad job but giving myself a treat anyway

🦌 dumpster 🦌 dover 🦌 grover 🦌 nixon 🦌 rivet 🦌 ronin 🦌 sanders 🦌 steven 🦌 beaufort fairbanks

🦌 rudulp

colleagues are in for a treat. i'm making my famous paper shredder coleslaw

i know the pigeon led him through a dark and dripping bricked sewer footsteps of the man and bird echoing as they picked their way between the worst of the puddles their progress lit only by an eerie blue light flickering gently at the end of the passageway

watching in stunned silence while a rube goldberg machine destroys my house and everything in it

i put the rest of the corn flake in my pocket for later

kids of today will never know tvs went eeeeeeeeeeee

backed over by the midsize suv of love

why is it always toxic worm zone and never fine lady zone

omw

time to kill before work. time to kill 1000 hell demons

all-triangle marching band

i slept too long and dreamt i got a $206,000 parking ticket

the world is growing smaller every day, said the mouse. at first it was so big that I was afraid, but these long walls have narrowed so quickly, and I am in the last chamber already, and there stands the trap that I am running into you only need to change your direction, said the cat. and ate it up

really hope our cat didn't become a megachurch christian while we were out buying beans

one must imagine sisyphus is having a ball

having a sip at the eyewash station

free toaster that plays 30 sec ads before it starts toasting

if you want a bad idea for a breakfast cereal, i'm your man

twinkle bells

"pets are not allowed on the beds" too late. i paid for two beds and you said pet friendly

i'm so sick of hearing about 3