haters can't stand when i am cute as a button

every morning there's a little beepy alarm in my bedroom that goes off at 9:10 and i don't know where it comes from and i'm too lazy to find out

i sleep in a big bed w dirt & crumbs 👍

down escalator directly into locked door

speaking words of wisdom, leaded bee

vi-iv-i-v.mp3

divine interaction

pls

leaning casually against a wall and taking a bite out of a jack-o-lantern

the self-eating granola bar

when you rotate ccw too many times in a row on your office chair and the seat comes unscrewed and you dump a full coffee on your face #wednedsay

when you look down the empty paper towel roll like a telescope but you see unspeakable horrors

checkmate

teh pussy is like the forest u should carry out what u carry in an leav it cleaner than u found it

do you ever go into the bathroom in the morning and look in the mirror and your corresponding guy is not there

ㅤ SPECTACULAR OWN GOAL ㅤ

salad spinners are so funny. let's make the vegetables go real fast

i’m up late!!! someone better not shoot me through my window

i want you to winch me far away from this place

eating with one eye open

dog wiping his face after eating

eating cereal out of the church collection plate

the world really started going downhill when they discontinued the IKEA catalog

we celebrate da passing of jesus with da sweet egg

feelin low key mentally pulverized

i can't believe i was banksy this whole time

my sister found some very expired film in my dad's old olympus om-1. turns out it was from their trip to norway circa 2000ish

they used to call me johnny cellphone

one public cat arm one secret cat arm

i don't know what the future holds, but i know what i holds: cellphone & sandwich

crumb all ye faceful

funny you should mention, i'm actually a bit of a lord and savior myself

javascript death cult

2026 exciting jumping game '' superb mario, brohter ''

buy my homemade defibrillators

on the phone with bob newhart

is there a Mr Sippy ..?

when it's the end of the night and you realize your pocket square was a kraft single the whole time

💆‍♂️🧠🚮

working on some important stuff

filthy tambourine solo

DISPATCH: 911, what's your emergency ME: pls help... there was a critical hit... my lvl 4 son... he took massive damage DISPATCH: is he ko'd ME: no but he won't stop beeping... pls it's super annoying

he hates to go home

🔝 THIS WAY UP 🍷 HANDLE WITH CARE LIVE MEN

6000 rpm rotisserie chicken

we’ve had to talk about this before. I need you to deactivate the big head cheat before coming to work. it’s disrespectful to your colleagues and our customers when your head is big as hell like that

Trying to cross the road but Ryan Gosling has set up a pillbox and is laying down suppressive fire smh

The penis is the fingergun of the groin

I'm inventing a website where you can look up how to do or fix something and at the top of the page there are short numbered steps all close together where you can see them. There can be pictures later but they are NOT in between the steps