hunting the feral race car

removing old wallpaper with peanut butter and a team of golden retrievers

fiskars to the whiskers

snipping my neck with scissor fingers as a gestural threat

arpeggiate your mind

i'm 60% sure i could get along with a wolf

first prize

klepto indiana jones that believes everything belongs in his personal museum

vacation planning

i condemn the existence of cicadas

i was killed in 2013 when they permanently closed a blockbuster video with me still in it

we might be able to help the environment if we stop making those horrible black jujubes that everybody throws in the trash

in October 2020 China venmo'd me $25 to call Donald Trump "Donald Chump" and say he got his scrotum caught in a Coney Island taffy stretcher

the lincoln memorial is a dead ringer but the washington monument looks nothing like the guy

i accidentally became 10000 feet tall and hit my head on a plane

Looking for Javascript Ninjas with 5+ years experience in poison blowgun to assassinate the shogun

good news: the wind is taking the mysterious smoke away forever and we never have to worry about it ever again

baby you're the spiderworks

happy smoke day you freaks

(showing you my files) this directory is like a son to me

skate story is 👍 #nikkspikks

Bro seems to have applied the medicated topical formulation conservatively rather than liberally 😂🤣

the goofy air with the unsatisfying lungfeel

close call. almost confused slack for bsky

it should be illegal for charity guys to ambush you with charisma on the street

how many guys do you think it would take to defeat the grand canyon

found half a cashew in the couch 🙌

my trick? i apply a generous amount of all-purpose spread to absolutely everything that i see constantly

thomas: ello love! i'm a fuckin train, i is

if i had a ship it would have a left side and a right side like every other vehicle

there's a movie at the park

westclox 360

ransom poem I made from a Uline catalog circa 2022

hunting

i would sooner launch myself down a staircase than honestly rate myself

wondered what my phone smelled like so i sniffed it. then i looked around: nobody saw me. another W in the me column

how much kibble should i feed your son

Thinking about learning to lasso. All you have to do is wiggle some string until a cow goes in it

i'm pioneering brave new sleep schedules

Uline is evil but it's ok to look at the nice pictures in the catalog

telling God that if i get another 18 pack of poppers i promise I'll start my wildly successful porn career

using a time machine to punch my past self in the face

getting out of bed and traveling east to the kitchen

if you have sports blindness, all you see is a bunch of guys that you don't know running around

if you want you can pretend one of the other teams is yours

[Job interview] Hiring manager: where do you see yourself in 5 years? My brain: Don't say driving a killdozer! Me: Driving a goaldozer through all of my challenges Hiring Manager: You're hired