bodycam channels be like "entitled KAREN absolutely DESTROYED by INSTANT KARMA after being TOO STUPID to know PENNSYLVANIA VS. MIMMS"

The masculine urge to wrest a knife from an enemy frogman

On this day in 2006, an egg hatched to everyone's great surprise. This was the start of Xerxes, and 20 years later, he's still with us. Happy hatchday, Xerxes!

Snared in the Lasso of Truth, I say with absolute authority, "Star Fox and Metroid are in the same universe."

the tree of life? the tree of knowledge? how about the tree of us getting a damn beer.

Fucking clown shoes, never preorder

Accidentally swished the mother of mouthwash

Monday marked the tenth anniversary of the time my friend Kitty had an extra pizza on her hands and popped by to share it with us. She's owed, like "a spot in the bunker" owed, "we were playing cards all night, detective" owed.

I believe in the Jab, the Strong, the Fierce, the thrill of an air throw, the wake-up Shoryuken, bonus rounds, that redizzy combos are not fun against human opponents--

Xerxes turns 20 on the 26th, and we are hoping he will have his first thought soon.

Love thinking an actor on an old TV show looks familiar then finding out it's because they were in The Trial of the Incredible Hulk

"Biannual," eh? Thanks for letting me know I can never trust you with scheduling or anything requiring attention to detail.

fan theory: jackson lamb from slow horses is austin powers

Just found that the restaurant where I first had unagi has been torn down and replaced by a two-story vape drive-thru open 24 hours a day.

caves of claude

the fourth humor, black, is coffee

working on a userscript to make my news reading experience more enjoyable

When I die, they will dissect my brain to determine the secret of my indefatigable self-esteem and discover my core thought crystal: "People smiling in photos are smiling because they're happy to see me."

Tummy Mnemonic

this offer is good for asmongold, anyone else you might describe as "a streamer," particularly if they seem like they abuse themselves in the same chair they stream from

You had one job, @insomniac.games

playing mcsweeney's (guessing whether this link to a mcsweeney's article will be funny or one joke stretched over 900 words)

"Say Hello 2 Heaven" still rules

Im sitting here being normal and all this shit keeps happening.

Remember how you were thinking last year about maybe freezing your credit but forgot? Maybe freeze your credit.

Guys love to be getting back into CDs, like music CDs, like they're buying albums again. Yeah! They love to, like, hear a new song and instead of streaming or whatever, they actually check Bandcamp or whatnot and buy the album, they love to tell you the artists make more money that way actually

I cannot comment on any ongoing legal issues (arrested for & charged with possession of undyed SweeTarts)

You don't have to have an OC. Commission a cute mascot for a program you work on. That's what I did, and Oomles delivered. Raise your co-workers' morale with a picture of a little guy on your internal wiki.

We as a people need to do something about the plague of CG houses in horror movies

You're listening to 99.3 THE WAIL, and this is the SHOCK BLOCK: 90 minutes commercial-free of Sean Penn screaming IS THAT MY DAUGHTER IN THERE from Mystic River

An irregularly updated thread of things I may be heard to say while watching sitcoms on my lunch break

Yes, you're right, they "knew what they were doing." They put a little innuendo in there to trick dummies into reposting their advertisements.

Meant to say "appsettings.json" but said "asspettings.json"

Stuff you should have in your DIY bag by age 40: a bubble level that is not the right size for anything; the paper drilling template for a shelf you put up 12 years ago; a wood-boring bit you have never used and don't remember acquiring; many toothpicks.

I would say the key to my appeal is that I want very little or nothing at all from you

You do not have to post a screenshot of a dummy being a dummy on the site for dummies, it's fine, read a book then tell me what you liked about it instead

I knew the Frinkiac dev wasn't shit when they ignored my Archie-related correction

I wish I loved anything as much as people on r/PlayStation love posting photos of their TV screens.

Forget Thanos, Eternity on the hood? Power level off the charts.

Just picked up my colonoscopy prep kit at the pharmacy, and ol' girl working passed me the bag and said, "Okay, good luck" ☠️

Praxis

you don’t have them eating out of the palm of your hand. you straight feeding their ass like a damn bird. who’s working for who

the roar of the thu'um. the crunch of a skeever tail. The return of the dragons. These are the things that piss sky rim fans off the most.

s/o to Jonathan Brandis on this episode of "Who's the Boss?"

I do NOT identify as Bl*rry/F*zzy. I am as God made me--it is not my fault that the camera is not focused on me.

I have a million-dollar movie idea, and it's just making another edgy Robin Hood except whenever he fires an arrow, you hear a gunshot

"Having" also sounds like you're not around for it. You're dropping your dick off in the overnight lockbox, and they'll call you when it's ready to be picked up.

s/o to David Paymer on this episode of "Who's the Boss?"