A desperate plea sent to me by a Minneapolis resident who's been on the front lines since the beginning of the ICE occupation:

would you ever go to an area

going forward this is my reply to all of 2026

coming up with a new idea called "driving like shit olympics". no more bland, unprovable statements like "california drivers are the WORST" allowed. whichever state wins every 4 years gets a moonshot-sized public transit investment to get those fuckers off the road

Please sign my petition to start an Autumn Olympics where all events empty into a pile of delightful leaves and whatnot.

They’re introducing The Ultimate Chore this weekend

Tearing long strips of wallpaper off the wall at work & weaving them into my hair as one would a crown of wildflowers.

centuries pass and still it sings. what a gift it is, how time flattens under the weight of a practiced voice. how irreplaceable

They have brought me a salad outfitted with a very prolific bubble machine concealed in it.

You don't need to preheat the oven if you just turn it to full temperature then put the food in for an arbitrary amount of time based on pure instinct that is somehow never correct

Imagine a worm wearing a shoe. Actually stop imagining that now, it's my idea, you're not allowed to imagine it any more

I’m shy at first and then gradually turn insane.

I'm going to make the #1 mistake

Some people are asking what I want Schumer to do. He should be screaming over medical care and access to facilities. He should be going to detention facilities himself and putting his body on the line, as he did at the border in 2019. He should lean into stories about New Yorkers in detention. [1/4]

"rich dipshit owner doesn't understand the industry he's bought into and clumsily destroys what made it good" feels less like a narrative unique to the washington post and more like the music that's been playing in the background of all our lives for at least 40 years

New fuck/marry/kill list just dropped

I’ll write my poetry at red lights. Everyone on the road hates me but they don’t know what’s going on inside my machine

Can’t believe we used to flit to and fro together man I hardly ever see you in the meadow anymore

me: every day for the last ten years i let a bear bite me so i can be completely immune if ever get attacked you: what about their claws me: what

Just wanted to announce that I've suspended any "go-getting" on my part for the foreseeable future.

I got dressed in the dark, & when I arrived at work I realized I was wearing mismatched socks—one was very short, barely covering my toes, & the other was very long, running all the way up my leg & then down past my foot, spilling out of my shoe & out the door.

A stingray is just a regular ray that tells you not to put on the red light.

Showing up to your party wearing a bulky sweater with a hidden panel that opens onto a passageway whereby we may affect our escape—quickly! Quickly!

welp it’s time for me to put my brain in a bowl by the bed so it can soak overnight

hobby idea: see what's over there

If you ever see a cat in public it is your civic duty to assist that cat with whatever matters it is currently engaged in, regardless of legality or personal financial cost

I learned how to make a new noise today. It's completely unalike any noise that anyone has ever made before. Those wanting to hear the noise will first need to pass a comprehensive medical exam

Wearing a series of black turtlenecks; each successive day the collar creeps up a little higher on my neck, over my chin, over my nose, just below my eyes, until the last day when it goes over my head entirely.

If you want to see me turn into a teen again, ask me to help you move (& I’ll come late, stand in the corner, scowl, & make fun of your linens).

an extremely chill klaxon blares in pleasant city

Nobody says "let's rock and roll" any more. Now they mostly say stuff like "put that down" and "stop biting me"

Audre Lorde, in a 1989 commencement address, said, "Remember this, despair is a tool of your enemies. That rumor, 'You can’t fight City Hall,' is circulated by City Hall. Facing the realities of our lives gives us the motivation for action, it gives us the power to change. You are not powerless."

Stop using dating apps and just start calling for pizza. Pizza delivery drivers have a car, a job, and pizza. Jackpot

Deleting memories of my last few birthdays to make room for a new memory of a cool rat I just saw at the train station

Death sits in a corner at a Starbucks and tastes a pumpkin spice latte for the first time. “It’s actually quite good,” he muses to himself. The name written on his cup says “Derp”.

lost my corn-shaped remote control in the cornfield and my favourite show, the corn hour, starts in five minutes

Whenever I eat an egg I gain the proportionate strength and brainpower of a chicken

In your far reaching book There's Always Another Horizon Just Around The Corner everything stops, right before the second horizon and the rest is blank. I so love art but why did you- "I was in a bad mood"

Thinking about becoming one of those people who likes frogs so much that it becomes a serious problem for me and others around me

when a flock of birds flies overhead I like to mute my music as a sign of respect

You have to do something with your life bro. You don’t want to have wasted the stork’s time

Evening & I tried to write a story, but winter just wears me out. My pen turned out to be an ornament carved into the desk. A 2nd pen I found was an old toothbrush. The desktop was a pillow & I fell asleep, dreaming the story in 1 elegant, unbroken line that I would, upon waking, immediately forget.

If you are being influenced by an influencer, stop right now before it's too late

I was the 2nd cheeseburger on the grassy knoll

I've invented a new kind of microwave that rotates your food at 300rpm and makes a deafening foghorn noise for no reason at all

who says you can’t eat soy sauce like soup

Just like they said I would, I ignored all the perforations and dotted lines and a perfectly functional open here it's easy and resealable so I could look ripped in package's eyes

Proud to have been one of the 9,200 people who submitted that name to the contest. Lol blockclubchicago.org/2026/01/28/a...

Grinding my phone into a fine powder so I can use it in powder form