sure why not i’ll have another loaf of cheese

Eating all the pine needles off the floor as a child helped me develop the thick waxy coating I have today

Everyone is so surprised when they find out how long my hair is, but by then it's too late. It tightens each time they exhale. There is no point in struggling.

What if I told you the bells weren't actually jingling. What if I told you that's how they scream.

Handcrafting little ornaments of you guys to hang up on my tree based on how you appear to me in dreams

I guess today is the day a “friend” is going to shame me by recounting how once I got up in the middle of the night after attending a very alcohol-forward party to check if the shirts in my tee/polo drawer were organized or not, but guess what?, I’m not going to apologize for being a good person.

SUPERVISOR: I need to speak with some of you in my office ME: [filling the water cooler with spaghetti] whomst

I like when a chess game is over and the captured pieces can finally return to their homelands

Every day I just barely resist the urge to pick up my cat and pretend to play her like a set of bagpipes. She will never understand these sacrifices I make for her.

B I G L E A F

There should just be one massive car, so big it wraps around the globe dozens of times & is completely immovable, fused in place—a car that is everywhere at the same time but incapable of going anywhere.

christmas celebrators have only a few more days to finish whittling their gifts

All creatures have unique attributes. Mice are known mainly for stirring

The tree is aglow. The kids are home for the holidays. My daughter just made fun of how I yawned.

Sorry, I may be a few minutes late; I fell through an invisible portal to another dimension behind my bed & I’m just sitting tight until my neighbor, a geometry teacher, can triangulate my whereabouts.

angrily and repeatedly turning up the volume on this calming music playlist so it'll work faster

The ideal computer is an 8ft tall beige rectangle covered in thousands of unlabelled blinking lights

If you're enjoying these words, you might enjoy some of the other words that there are

When you have to use a public ouija and the beyond before you wasn't great and you don't want the next beyond thinking it was you so you unpiss on every grave

Oh yeah, last night when I was half asleep I imagined a turtle Pope. Little turtle in a Pope hat. Bene

Whenever my postman delivers a package he says "My quest has finally come to an end" and I reply "And so the deed is done" and then we both grip each other by the shoulders and weep together with cathartic joy

Family pestering me to bring more rare fruits from the arboreal spirit realm after it imbued them with insane tree climbing abilities last time

I had to repair and repaint a wall today, so everything is absolutely everywhere. Three times since plugging things back in, I’ve heard a bright kind of 'powering-up' or baffling notification sound I couldn’t identify. It was my dress was brushing the violin as I walked past it in the kitchen.

Happy to see there are gifts for me under the tree, but perturbed that all the labels seem to indicate they are from the jerk store.

Whenever I successfully complete a thought my brain makes a "ping" noise and a gold coin falls out of my nose

By a show of jazz hands, how many of you are fabulous?

Trying this out: all children should speak Italian until they’re 12?

We need illegal Christmas

baked potato bodysuit with crispy skin shell

Breakfast lasagna. A lasagna made from breakfast foods. BUILD YOUR DREAM TEAM.

Taking a short break from having volition over my own physical or mental faculties. Just crumpling to the ground like a dropped puppet and hoping somebody puts food & water in my mouth until my brain activity resumes

i got you all primitive stone tools for christmas

DON'T GET TOO CLOSE TO THE LADY WITH THE CANE! IT MIGHT BE CATCHING! YOU MIGHT WAKE UP WITH A CANE and it'll be way less cool than mine.

A good present should demonstrate that you know something about the recipient. For example, if you've ever seen them eating food, buy them a can of goldfish flakes (a type of food)

Attended a small gathering today in which I introduced my family to my moustache for the first time, which was a delightful way to learn dozens of brand new insults about my face.

The gate says "abandon all hope, ye who enter here" but they don't check your pockets or anything

Installing lighted exit signs in all my pockets in case I am ever shrunk by some sort of shrink-ray & subsequently dropped into my own pants pocket by a Villain.

If I win the lottery I’m gonna hire a skywriter to write “how do I land this thing?”

If you have a friend name a Dave, make sure to wish him happy holidaves

Last night was the third time my lesbian bestie & I nonchalantly played gin at a café & it’s seriously so glam. A little spike of strategy & mystery. A vampiric dyad amid chirpers.

Not a fan of modern sanitised motorway services. A service station should feel like the last port on the edge of civilisation. You should only be able to buy skewered meats and spare parts for your hyperdrive. There should be arm wrestling. You should have to watch out for bounty hunters.

Around this time of year I start to notice much less salad dressing and much more soup in my hair

"This promise of an AI future, is really just a collective anxiety that wealthy people have about how well they're gonna be able to control us in the future." - @tressiemcphd.bsky.social with an absolute mic drop moment about AI bullshit. Incredible words. Listen to all of it!

Can’t sleep. Keep thinking about slithering through the tunnels deep underground

Ever hear someone say something is too chocolatey? Those words should ONLY be used in like, "I'd like two chocolatey doughnuts, please."

if they’d just make the car tires out of salt, icy roads would not be an issue so what are they hiding from us

butter has the calcium I need for strong buttery bones

Whoever gave my cat a hand grenade for her birthday has some explaining to do

Compulsive festoonery intensifies