Until we start charging $7.99 a month to look at it, we will never unlock the full potential of The Moon

I ate a 1,000 year old cadbury egg—quite the delicacy—it tasted like bologna & mayonnaise & furniture polish.

Using my cold to become more alluring, more of a cypher. I want the guy at the bodega where I bought my DayQuil to find himself absentmindedly drawing my portrait on a receipt this afternoon. “Will I ever see him again?,” he’ll wonder, and then, “Did I ever see him at all?”

My second most difficult aunt was sent, a few weeks ago, to the hospital & then to rehab for the after effects of a cat scratch but she now would like to relay that she does not think it was a cat scratch at all. Her words: “I would argue that I was injured by a thorn.”

(passing a guy as i endlessly fall down an infinite number of stairs) living the dream baby

A rabbit is just a frog cat

extremely bad time for an astronaut to find out he's a werewolf

(Cracking a tooth on a white landscaping pebble): Ow! These jelliesbean taste awful

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival.

considering a personality change where i become "that lady who's always carrying around a loose ladle of soup"

Just found a ham sandwich tied to a piece of string leading into the woods. Probably fine.

If you're planning on feeding me any oats or sugar cubes remember to keep your palm flat or you might lose a finger

Ugh, they’re stripping my backyard of its bog designation & reclassifying it as a miasmal zone

I was raised by business wolves

A passing neighbourchild spots the gleam of the plastic egg from the sidewalk and freezes, transformed into a hunter. Does anyone else see it? No! They creep to the hollow tree, reach inside, and seize the fuchsia prize. It's theirs! With a squeeze, it opens. "Get off my lawn" says the note inside.

cat: may i have a sparkly ball me: yes [one second later] cat: i have lost the sparkly ball

always keep an acorn in your pocket for the Shadow Kitty

i'm kind of slow like a snail but i have the mind of a more advanced creature like a rat

When you buy like thirty zucchinis people look at you different. They think of you as a serious person.

The hairdresser holds up the mirror so I can see the back of my haircut but she accidentally uses the mirror that reveals how you die. I see my 80-year-old self tumbling down a hill after slacklining for the 1st time. I never know how to react in these situations, so I just mumble "wow I love it"

will eating chocolate inoculate me from Count Choculas or further entice them

In 2007 I accidentally destroyed the moon and replaced it with a hastily-constructed papier-mache replica. Nobody noticed because it happened during the day time.

Try experimenting with various knobs and dials to achieve desired effects

I would love to be exported to CSV

L ets G et B pete T hegseth Q fired I soon A nd send him to prison

what kind of realm are you in

Tree Talk Find a tree that seems chatty. Have a landline telephone run out to it. Place the telephone in its branches. Let people call the tree telephone. See if the tree answers.

(Making you a sandwich) Would you like it cloven in twain?

love it when the rocket removes its clothes in order to enter space Nude

I never did get around to checking, did that one guy ever get himself connected

We are all in this together. That is how meat grinders work.

Meditation always leads me to the same place (money laundering).

With restless mind I went to give nomadic therapy a soothing wander but I just can't shut up now about my journey journey

We finally got electricity, so now I’m playing with a rickety electric toy train in a dark room.

The worst part of this rainy weather is it gives the moon cloud cover while it hunts you.

made a bucket list

The Supreme Court did not strike down conversion therapy bans today. Not nationwide. Not in Colorado. Not anywhere. Here's what actually happened in Chiles v. Salazar—and why the coverage you're seeing serves the conservative legal movement more than it serves you.

If you don't have access to a golden hour because your credit is out, maybe shakes like a maraca, there's a natural 8 watts of LED in your eyes. I had them appraised at that shady dusk equivalent place

Trying to be more understanding of Spring and all its drama.

I’ve been told it is an ordeal to transcribe any of my spoken utterances because of my stylistic preference for cramming 8 or 9 arbitrarily silent letters into each word.

I just assume all you bros are the same bro, a timeless, ubiquitous every-bro to end all bros forever.

hello 👋 i have developed a new tool called blüuümpíi. blüuümpíi will convert every file on your hard drive to a .wav file without asking you, maximize your system volume, and play them on every bluetooth speaker you have ever connected to. if you offer feedback on blüuümpíi i will take legal action

That part of the map looks like an eye so we're going to need an optometrist to go through there. They also have eye charts that's a good point, the map will laugh us into just expeditioning ourselves silly

[to the emperor penguin awkwardly perched on my arm] well obviously that's the last time I buy a falconry glove online.

bro i'm so sick of everything trying to be my assistant but nothing actually being made to assist me

i was trying to explain to a friend the way new fonts look, so i made this graphic

Café. Opened my notebook, took a deep breath, grabbed a pen, & hesitated. The door opened & closed & with it a snippet of birdsong. “I can do this,” I thought. “Indented, researched, perfectly formed. I was born for this.” & then I began to make, swiftly & confidently, a handsome, elucidating list.

I'm the only normal guy hiding in your cupboard. Watch out for the others. They’re weirdos

I’ve been trying on the same pair of pants since 1989 (it’s the world’s biggest pair of pants & I have been free-falling down one of what I assume is one of the legs—it’s hard to tell, it’s so dark in here—for 36 years).

I don't have two wolves inside me but I do have a vast emptiness that they could roam free in