I’m excited to be bringing home a lobster from the tank at the supermarket—not to cook, but because it promised to teach me some cool card tricks.

columbo didn’t take tylenol

Went to a new place. Thought I had no expectations. Turns out I did. I had expectations.

everyone knows about the fight, flight, or freeze response, but fewer know about the 4th option (making the THX sound to ward off threats)

imagine if a family of beavers randomly showed up right now and finished whatever thing you've been putting off

As America's most pro-business leader in a generation, I will choose one company each week and accuse them of witchcraft

Tried to water the baby asparagus but the spout was blocked so I tried to shove the blockage down into the can but the thing inside shoved back. Computer…enhance. #garden #gardening #oopsfrog

Ever looked at dragonfly wings under a microscope, there's a little bumper sticker that says honk if you're wetlands

I guess it's called "corruption." I've never heard that before. I said wow what a beautiful word. It comes from the Latin [spicy voice] corrumpere. But it's something we're doing and we'll be doing it perhaps more than ever before

In the time it took to calculate how many treadmills I would need to stack and slip on to hilariously shoot all the way into a wall on the moon I could have just stolen 250 million treadmills

Always wear a catcher’s mitt, just in case someone hurls a burrito at you. You can then be the victor rather than the victim.

The alphabet is complicated. Some letters are good, but others are evil. G has a little mustache

Fell into the trap of the Infinity Pizza (each pepperoni is in fact a smaller pizza, with even tinier pepperonis that are in fact smaller pizzas, with even tinier…)

at my funeral there will be three caskets. yep we’re doing the shell game

throw a stick at the wall and see if it spaghettis

taping the small dorito pieces at the bottom of the bag together to make a normal size dorito makes them taste like tape

I’m not interested in stealing anyone’s boyfriend. If I wanted a boyfriend, I would simply go to the Boyfriend Store and get one

Dress for the job you want (horseman of the apocalypse) not the job you have (petting zoo attendant)

There have always been trans people. There will always be trans people. The only "trans agenda" is to live authentically. Removing trans rights, banning trans people from sports, taking away care for trans people puts you on the wrong side of history. Trans rights are human rights 🩵💗🤍

Whenever I help a colleague fix a computer problem I leave a 19GB paint file called WORMS.BMP on their desktop as my signature calling card

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo. But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

soon i will delete the entire internet

I've broken down my dishwasher's cycle into 6 distinct stages: 1. Vrrrrrrrr 2. Bllblbbblblbllbb 3. Swssshswshhswsh 4. (Eerie silence, laden with sinister foreboding) 5. Mrrrrrrrrp 6. Done

Set out some freshly laundered black clothes & pack your grappling hook—tonight we break into the dentist’s office & steal the Big Tooth.

"Be careful what you wish for" is no joke.. i got sepsis after accidentally wishing for it

answering a call from an unknown number during job interview and allowing myself to be scammed

They say Nostradamus' predictions are too vague to take seriously but I find his assertion that "2025 will be fuckin shithousery squared" chillingly accurate

If we all synchronise our movements just right we can produce a dazzling visual illusion that disorients and confuses all predators

Without knowing it we contributed to the written alphabet. A sound in the air most probably has a shape we laughed, like it was even funnier how it floated away for somebody else to find and keep in a box. Maybe an artist who wanted to point and laugh at the noise "corrugated day job"

Before caller ID landlines were insane. The phone rang, you just answered. No idea who it was. It could be your mom, it could be prison. We lived like maniacs.

Early iterations of the game that came to be known as American football were designed to be played in empty Roman aqueducts, featured a handful of jacks instead of a ball, & incorporated long recitations of epic poetry as a crucial element of play, imo

Decided that it’s more stylish to say kitchen cupboards rather than kitchen cabinets. You do what you want.

one thing i worry about a lot is how unbalanced pac-man's diet is. he really should add some green vegetables to his diet of fruit and ghosts

Sent a pigeon through the tube at the bank. Boy were they surprised

who up moving items from one area to another area and then taking different items in the second area to an area near the first area

you're going to be so embarrassed about the way you treated me when we both die and our essences are reabsorbed into The Collective

The last time that something knew it was gonna be the last time was a last time all tense with anticipation. How's about this last time we tell it that it can finally get a kitten named If I Had Only Known

The pen is mightier than the sword, but lonelier too. The pen cries alone at night

Guy creeping up behind me with a length of piano wire pulled taut between his fists says he’s a dentist but won’t show me his credentials, says he doesn’t have to, says he’s just here to floss my teeth

swallowing wrong feels like such a betrayal and it really makes you wonder if our bodies always have our best interests in mind

I know my dog, Gordon, has been stealing my priceless objects d’art because each time a piece has gone missing, in its place I have discovered a single pink silk doggie glove with an exquisite script letter G monogrammed in gold thread on it.

The ceo of the company I work for compared herself to Jesus yesterday and I wasn’t convinced but then she turned all our snacks into a bunch of bread and fish and did a crazy laugh so now idk

lunch time. sitting on the couch looking up at the ceiling. i keep it there with the power of my thoughts

anyone wanna fold me up and throw me like a paper airplane?

The human eye can perceive over 700 different kinds of sandwich

just because we work in a meth lab that does not mean it's okay to show up late all the time

the mayor is proposing that i be awarded the key to the city after hearing that i successfully ate an entire tub of hummus on a single triscuit cracker

sometimes you get a glimpse of the prison a person has built around themselves and can tell how every brick got laid "damn that sucks" you think from inside your prison that you built

My gym nemesis is here again. Behold as he fails the many tests he has no idea he is taking part in.

I don’t have a ton of time for this but I do think I should verify whether or not something is indeed “pastel” every time the word is used. I can set aside 18-27 minutes a day.