This day in history. 1967. Procol Harum's A Whiter Shade of Pale was at the top of the charts and I convinced my grade 7 gym teacher to let us skip a light fandango and turn cartwheels 'cross the floor because and I quote fuck square dancing.

I’ve been out all day long wandering lonely as a cloud.

when strangers sit next to me i always ask "did you bring it?"

So many men assume hierarchy is the only way to organize. So for them feminism means women dominate men, as they now dominate women and children under patriarchy. Feminism centers care and collaboration over hierarchy. Which is genuine equality for everyone.

For my next trick I'm going to saw myself in half. Now pay close attention because I can only do this once

obsessed with thomas. happy pride 🪿🌈✨

From what I can tell from her voicemail, my second most difficult aunt is offended that someone wore sequins to an Italian restaurant “of the red checked tablecloth variety.” She ended her message, “What’s next, bugle beads?*” I picture her standing in her dark bay window while saying it.

When people say "you can't eat gravel" what they actually mean is "it's not easy or normal to eat gravel." Big difference.

It takes more muscles to frown than to smile, but it's totally worth it.

It's weird for us to think ahead, but when everything ends forever, and then begins again immediately, with every chance for beauty happiness and perfection, are we gonna, you know, wink to not be like that

Every recipe should start with: "Wash the dishes that are already in the sink because you'll need some of those."

so introverted i reverse uno your irish goodbye and sneak out of my own party

Turning my frown upside down & then turning that upside down frown around & around & around until I fall down, or invent some totally new kind of frown.

rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead to their conservative families but running a lovely antique shop in vermont

Top 5 boredom busters whilst languishing in the Pharaohs tomb

Back then it was loud car neighbors who beat the shit outta me, and now it's silent car neighbors shitting the beats outta me so yes, my road trip jam is flinchtronica

A karaoke bar but for acting. You and your friends get up on stage to perform movie scenes for strangers. Actually this might be the worst idea I've ever had. I'm putting myself under arrest.

Turns out it's actually pretty cheap to get a gargoyle installed on the roof of your house. My psychological shadow war against the neighbors across the street is about to enter an exciting new phase

You can press the B button on your keyboard to write the letter B. Unclear what the other ones do

I was motionless for too long & the succulents threw a net over me & tied me to the floor like Gulliver.

would you be shaken to the core by ghastly revelations or not really

Graham Platner trying to explain away his behavior as *living a regular life* really evokes *locker room talk* for me. The normalization of men’s abuse of women has to stop. Abusing women is not regular or normal or in any way okay. I hope this gets called out by lots and lots of people.

my uncle was skydiving and got stuck in a cloud he survived 73 days drinking rainwater and catching birds

did you know young women are actually outpacing men in education, starting salary, home ownership, horsepower, necromancy, credit card debt, Bushidō, viscosity, corn, resistance to malicious Fog,,

Before eyes, people had only their noses & one ear for sight—it was tough going.

A night in jail is temporary but the memory of riding a stolen walrus around the zoo is forever

a long long time ago everyone thought caves were inside but they were wrong, caves are outside. not their fault though, inside hadn't been invented yet

I don't know what everyone's complaining about. Just go to settings > features > worms, then change the "worms pouring out of my phone" toggle from "yes" to "maybe later"

I can't believe I spent my childhood riding around on an acoustic bike.

picked up a book at the public library then mailed a package at the post office and am about to use public transportation to get to the gym. I love Services

I had helicopter parents, and I grew up to be a pretty normal helicopter

Writing down all the pros and cons and concluding that the pros are better

Sabotaging the entire office by converting everyone’s powerpoints into nearly immovable petroglyph files.

When you're out with your hootin buddies and run into your hollerin crew

this is my kind of company motto right here

Hilarious and deeply insightful writing by @brianphillips.lol.

I’m so good at chess they gave me a nickname: the cheater

(New Order bassline) sorry about that but it's the only way I can express something meaningless about our relationship and it still sounds cool and you think I'm cool

I have google alerts set up for "new color" in case scientists discover a new color. I want to see it right away.

I had that dream again—in which I am a type of microorganism that can only live inside a hot air balloon during the brief time it is fully inflated.

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] And this one? Me: A swirling black pit of never-ending despair Psychologist: Nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

In the 30s, my great-uncle, who was a very, very small daredevil, went over Niagara Falls in a spacious green bell pepper. He’s still missing to this day (although he does text occasionally).

I found a huge vein of naturally occurring lunch

Anyone actually read the CVS receipt? Really good coupons. Mine from today had $4 off your next purchase, buy one get one belly rub, Pharmacist for a Day, all you can eat catfish, free oil change (valid only at pharmacy drive thru), cosmetics aisle ghost tour, and a kiss from the general manager.

the phrase "the crystallization process has already begun" can be exciting or terrifying depending on whether or not you want to be crystallized.

Finally got an autograph from my favorite sports player & they signed the inside of the ball????

Some liberals are OBSESSED with "private" prisons as though the problem is not simply PRISONS. Folks, the vast majority of prisons in the U.S. are PUBLIC NOT PRIVATE. And they are HELL HOLES. OK? I need folks to stop and actually focus on the PROBLEM which is PRISONS AND JAILS.

One of mine in @burialmagazine.bsky.social #smallpoemsunday @tomsnarsky.bsky.social

I am gnawing at the bars of my enclosure, btw. If you even care.

If I was asleep I’d already be awake by now.