Durn if the leaves ain’t falling faster than I can rake them into my neighbor’s garage

Was this the best use of my time today? No. Is it the most amusing way I could have spent the last 90 minutes? Absolutely. Pattern is free here: bit.ly/4nGGCGc

You just tucked in the wrong guy

Sometimes I'll throw a random object into the air unexpectedly to see if I can trick gravity just this once. It never works

sorry if I smell like trash I’ve been rooting around in the trash for valuable trash

Bringing out a minuscule meal in the break room to appear larger and more intimidating to my coworkers

Three or four of us daredevils speeding into the metal globe of death pushing upright vacuums

My god… this sandwich… it’s made of pure lunch

Sisterhood of the travelling pants. But the pants keep coming back rather than staying with the sisters. I have tried to leave them with the neighbour. Split them in two. Run them over with a lawnmower. Now I've locked the pants in the basement but I don't know how long the barricades will last.

You remind me of myself before I got trapped in an antique clock

I love that Zohran did not praise Cuomo in his speech. You absolutely do not have to say nice things about bad people. We should normalize that in “polite” politics: Praising bad people is not actually “civility.”

Yawn and stretch adorably out for some attention from passersby, cuddling your own claws up in each hand to show that this is no trick, just a little love request. I get muted a lot too but I'm an opossum

Good morning. Was in the middle of a crosswalk when my dad called to ask me how to spell, “gestalt.”

every emoji should come with a mirror image emoji option, as well as an upside down emoji option. let me flip these dinosaurs 🦕🦖 so they can face each other and fall in love

Whenever I get a new follower I use their profile picture to create a tiny 1cm-tall homunculus that I add to my terrarium. They're free to run around in there and they have all the snacks and entertainment they desire. Unfortunately sometimes a spider gets in

Showing my coworkers how my new cape billows without any wind

Digging up a shrub in the yard I unleash a geyser of gravy. Gravy rains down upon my neighbors as I trot around in a circle yelling YEEEE HAWWW and smacking my own ass with a gravy boat.

the ghost that haunts my house keeps bragging that he can go inside the microwave while it’s on, like i care

end conversations easily by running away through a field while dramatic violin music swells

the forbidden lunch (hard boiled egg eaten over sink)

Every once in awhile, beneath the fruit in one of those fruit-on-the-bottom yogurts, there should be a secret passageway to a series of forgotten catacombs.

kindness is free. for an ad-free kindness experience, upgrade to kindness+ starting at $15.99 a month

I know I seem like so autonomous but I'm actually partnered with refraction of light so let me run it by the old prism first. Hey bendy straw sucking the crazy light outta me, more like dispersing my will amirite

I heard a guy say nobody out-reeces the cup the other day & it really struck me because the guy turned out to be me & I was walking under the moonlight along a deserted stretch of old route 8 carrying a baby opossum in a top hat.

I don't want AI. I want to stop filling out my entire medical history every time I go to the same doctor

I've learned 595 German words on duolingo, so now I can say important stuff like "The witch eats schnitzel in the forest" and "Your snail is smart but very ugly."

remembering it's cabbage night and running to the grocery store in a panic

Coworkers act like they don't want you to fill their car with stick insects, but secretly they do

everyone lets honk our horns at noon today. everyone that is in a car. and if you live in a different time zone do it in my time zone. i live in the one where noon happens around lunch for some people. i have my lunch at like 4 pm usually though. but lets all honk our horns okay

The time change doesn’t bother me. I always keep some daylight saved in a jar on my kitchen counter

Lower the listening end of a stethoscope into your aquarium and mouth the words softly to the end where the heart goes. "I want you to get a second opinion. Doctor Swim Through Holes is not even an x-ray machine"

I don't see why a fire would need this escape

We're seeing in real time that many people are already in hell in that they carry hell with them wherever they go. Those making fun of people on SNAP are already in hell.

Don’t know why trick-or-treaters are annoyed I’m scooping guacamole into their bags. It’s a premium add-on

My favorite part of Halloween is going around the table and saying what we're all spooky for

guys i asked ChatGPT and it said it’s safe to walk through the cursed village and it will save us twenty minutes

Deep-fried teriyaki-style ibuprofen with carbonated gravy

i'm two or three showers away from being clean forever

Seated at the poker table & suddenly I am not holding cards but 5 perfectly formed, freshly cooked pancakes.

Mmm, that’s delicious. Does it have lecithin as an emulsifier?

My cat has somehow learned how to astral project. She mostly just visits me at work and screams until I come home to make her another breakfast

I saw the greatest minds of my generation in a big vat labeled ‘mind vat’

Are you guys in the mood to laugh today? I could go either way, was also thinking about banging my little tin cup against the bars for a while

I wish when it gets crazy crowded and backed up at check out, they’d get on the intercom and ask, “Do we have any former cashiers in the store?” Because I would fully take a crack at it.

Everyone says I showed a lot of promise as a kid. Too much promise actually. Put away your promise they’d say, we’re sick of seeing it now it disgusts us

help me tape the leaves back on these trees

the less time you spend online, the more time you spend offline

If you live in a major city, you may have noticed more people wearing bandanas around their neck, as the accessory has made a small comeback. Typically made from cotton, the bandana — distinct from the ascot — has a long history in working class aesthetics, as it serves a practical function.