id roll with it

well look what the cat crapped out

(president during interview) Now when I took this job I knew as well as everybody else that you spend about 8 hours a day eating 50 bowls of chili. What they don't tell you is you spend another 8 shitting it out! *mutual light laughter with interviewer*

a new semipro football league called "Yo, Dude! Football"

John lennon used to get mad when people would tell him "In My Life" made them reminisce about their own lives. "It's about my life" he'd say

Chuck Schumer just announced demands on DHS to avoid shutdown: 1. End roving patrols, tighten rules on warrants 2. Enforce accountability & unified code of conduct for agents 3. No more masks & require bodycams There are *already* standards on much of this. The issue is DHS isn't following them!

hexmaster, print ad, excerpt (1983) archive.org/details/1983...

tom homan has had 1 pair of underwear his whole life that hes never taken off. yellowed and dry rotted, shit stained, giant hole over the entire ass from acidic fart gas, a final single strand of elastic in the waistband

this guys so weird. if you look at his scholar it seems like he basically stopped writing papers with grad students around 2022. One legit pub in 2023 with someone who'd been his postdoc since 2016 so who knows when the work was done. "not beating the covid cooked your brain allegations"

when clean hands go foul... well if that isn't just the darnedest thing

got our asses

Snow is like walking on mashed potatoes .u have to be careful

coach of the football team and doing the jurassic park thing where they lower the cow into the raptor pen on the crane to be devoured out of sight and pull out the tattered support system but im doing it with 100 costco rotisserie chickens into an identical pen I keep the team in

commercial of a hardworking Man doing a physical job lifting big bags of cement. wipes his brow and takes a photograph out of his pocket, smiles+nods, then dives back into work with renewed fervor. at end of day puts the picture on the dashboard of his Truck for another look and you see its a burger

This truly is one of my favorite pictures ever created i think They should send people to it when they die.

we all need to move here and live there forever

whenever anything good happens this song starts playing www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vtk9...

wait so cbs never actually did whiskey fridays with tony dokupil

ice guys in the hotel: "Look we're all adults here. we can take personal responsibility. so next time the toilet clogs, which it does every time we shit, instead of just flushing and flushing until the room is flooded with shit water. just uh... uh. i forgot what i was saying. just flush it i guess"

getting a matrix hyperlearning download but instead of martial arts i gain perfect knowledge of how to play all european board games

ice guy takes a shower for the first time and finds the lack of stench so disorienting he passes out like those cats in the experiment where they lived their whole lives in a room with vertically striped wallpaper and initially couldn't navigate when placed in an environment without them

my body is frail but my mind is as sharp as a giant unrealistic sword

ice guys at the hotel: "oh toilets clogged again? bummer.... hey lets split this 12 lb tub of chicken salad that's been sitting out unrefrigerated for two days."

ice guys staying in here for 1 second and the whole thing is already ankle deep in shit water

ice guys in the hotel 12 to a room. 1 toilet. clogs in the first second but they keep shitting in it and flushing it like nothings wrong and then saying "aww no" when it gurgles over. ankle deep shit water they splash around in. "this happened to me all the time back home. just try to ignore it."

I would wish everything I touched turned to gold EXCEPT food and water and living things i loved. bam - easy

39 year old beloved baseball player who was below replacement level last year and is about to start the final year of his contract calling a press conference during spring training. owners there, family there, wistful look in his eye. and then they announce a 7 year 500 million dollar extension

professor I'd like to introduce you to my "1000 buttons and 999 of them kill you immediately machine". take it for a spin - just press any button. nothing bad will happen

no Wacko Burgers on monday. thats the day I hit up Toil Burger

My sensations were strange. Let me try to explain them.

lol i saw this 2 seconds after my other post. It's true!!

its wild how many americans seem to fundamentally not understand the idea that one could desire to do good for other people in a way that isn't self serving

whenever the president has to shit they should be lifted onto a palanquin and marched through a miles-long cathedral complex consisting of a central staircase flanked with a chorus of 100k people. they gain 10000 feet of elevation and theres a toilet on top. whole thing takes 36 hours

id go wild on an all-"black licorice" roll of necco wafers

meeting your friend in the store and saying "looks like i found the tool section!!"

Mao Tse Tung in 1944

hell not hot enough

Lord of the Rings art by Darrell K. Sweet (1934 - 2011)

played around with a deck of cards all night trying to learn how to faro shuffle. seems like its something that would have been really cool to figure out in 8th grade

some of youse

calling someone a "dill whip" as an insult

pobody isn't even that nerfect anymore. he fell off. hes done

friendly 👏 reminder 👏

A Pileated Woodpecker using his tongue to look for insects. Pileated Woodpecker tongues are relatively short for a woodpecker, but have barbed tips to help extract food.

An adorable Tufted Titmouse perches on a lichen covered branch while waiting for peanuts to be offered.

i get ai to wipe for me now

The University of Crap at South Fart

Really annoyed myself by using “certainly” in my thoughts. Settle down it’s just us in here

taking you out to dinner and ordering a $500 meal. "don't worry. we'll put this one on daddy's plastic" as I put a creased mtg bloomburrow plains into the check holder