im the coach of the football team and if I find out you aren't eating one dozen burgers a day ill berate you for not 'respecting the gift'

A movie can be as long as it needs to be. If a television show is over an hour an episode it better be fuckin’ Columbo

caught the landlord outside scraping paint off the outside windowsill making big clouds of dust while basil played outside and when i asked if it was lead paint he was like "im not using any lead paint today but i dont know what was there before" 👍

Hesburger... the burger for Him

screenshot 3 is incredible

I don’t have nostalgia because my parents made me eat nothing but vegetables and the only movie I was allowed to watch was Babe but good luck with that

the sims, magazine screenshot, pc (2000) archive.org/details/PCGA...

still don't really get why other parents let their kids watch so much annoying shit on tv. it's all a choice! im not even saying to not let them watch tv just like. you know you can choose what it is right

we need a president who gets scary high & buys a cardboard quart of chocolate milk at 711 and goes home drops it on the couch and forgets about it then later sits down on it with full weight and it pops and theyre like. did i piss myself... but fall asleep and wake up in a sour milk saturated couch

america needs a president who every time they go to make rice the rice cooker is half full of old crusted gross rice from a few nights ago and then they're like "i guess i don't really need rice..." and close it

logging on

it makes me feel so fucking nuts how dark everyone wants every room to be all the time. like to the point where i wonder if my eyes have like a fundamentally weaker "brightness setting" than everyone elses

HOLD THE LINE EGGHEADS

David Simon, creator of ‘The Wire’, being interviewed by Ari Shapiro (NPR)

We need a president who plays a song on repeat really loud and then runs outside to take a phone call and doesn’t come back as the song continues to play over and over again

I’m not going to Mastodon lol. I would be better off carving my posts into a tree stump. Follow me at The Stump

feel like the peace sign is so good as a lighter but cheekier middle finger variant

little league coach whos only advice is always to "be an animal out there"

ive maxed out the number of freaks i can keep track of. the human brain probably only evolved to keep track of like a dozen individual freaks tops

and whats wrong with that?

person who follows this account and gets obsessed with this weirdly lit gazebo they post every day and makes a thousand mile pilgrimage to it. couldnt be me...

we watched 'the santa clause' a million times when i was a kid and one thing thats stuck with me is to say "there were dogs barking, guns going off..." to describe a general ruckus

walking down to breakfast and seeing this and knowing im going to have a Perfect Day

ok so the deal is that magic the gathering (terminally fortnitified) got the license to make a tournament legal spiderman set but the license doesn't cover digital products so they need to make a functionally equivalent but non-spiderman themed set specifically for online play

Radically pro rape administration at all levels

napoleon you would have loved warcraft 3

Ok I’m resolute again coach

AMELIA BEDELIA'S BOYFRIEND, NICK: ahah whaaaat?? you're so funny babe

restaurant "WeeWee Burger" but its from the 50s you know they didn't 'mean it like that'

pizza place called "Big Fat Pizza"

When dogs wag their tails in their sleep they are dreaming about having smartphones

nba player hailed as 'the most cerebral point guard in the game' 5 foot 6 with a big beach-ball sized head and when he gets the ball just stands there rapidly sweeping his eyes across the court muttering calculations until someone strips it away from him

it's going to be an adjustment, but you can tell who sucks on here without a labeler by reading their posts

accidentally called the Arch-Mage dad 😬

america deserves a president who's fully encrusted

Last night was reconstructed from first principles

so many things in my life small life personally and in the country/world at a large scale feel like walking on taller and taller stilts forever with no exit plan

this is what we all look like and do everyday

Power Wheels with “Shapes and Numbers Mafia” racing team decal

all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain

Think about this post every day

lifes so weird man

they changed candyland so theres no more plumpy. you cant get sent way back to the beginning now. its why kids are soft

america deserves a president who brings chips and dip to the party that nobody eats and then goes back and forth about whether to take them home when they leave and they do but bump into somebody as they try to slip out and get made fun of

The world is profoundly evil and you have to keep on truckin'

looks like the yanks are "going out like stan chera"

the chessmaster 4000 turbo, pc (1993)

To me the plural of elf is elfs. This is a fundamental, core belief.

america deserves a president whos like "i can take out this gross overflowing kitchen trash without double bagging it.." and then it gets caught on the shoe rack, ruptures, and completely explodes inside the house

i think we gotta blog. we gotta html or forum or whatever the fuck besides this. all this shit sucks ass and is melting our brains. i cant say goodbye to all you freaks but someday soon we need to go to a much more finite place under our control. or at least i do