There’s no way pi is infinite . Circles usually aren’t even that big

If you torture animals as a kid, you’re more likely to grow up to be a serial killer. If you torture animals as an adult, you’re all good. Brain is done cooking

If poop were a sort of living bug that crawled out of your hole, toilet water would probably be scalding hot, so as to kill it quickly

All dogs go to heaven. That's why, right before I die, I'm going to graft a bunch of dogs to my body

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a skeleton army is a good guy with a skeleton army

The gift horse saying and the Trojan horse legend give us conflicting perspectives on whether or not to check the insides of a free horse

Here's what's next 🦋

Actually Mr. Peterson, it’s better to live in muck and filth under a rock than to have a clean room. Consider the lobster,

Shaggy from Scooby Doo and Steve from Blue's Clues were both hanging out with a dog and solving mysteries. But with very different relationships to food...

The dune spice as a character on Blues Clues yelling at the mailbox with the command voice to make it report tomorrow’s mail

If the poop doctor asked for a urine sample, I’d be like. Oh so you were a dual major?

I have a new Tourette’s tic where I move things with my mind

I don’t think the ring even suits Sméagol's vibe. I think he’d be much better off with like a silver necklace that says Gemini

(Holding a card with this scale to your head) Sorry pal. You gotta be a Norwood 3 or up to feed the ducks with us

My buddy came out of the womb flavor blasted

Water cooler talk with your new AI coworker: “Did you watch Severance - whoaaa slow down on the cooler there pal”

Dude, just carve a perfect spear of rhetoric that will pierce the mind of culture

When the doctor asks for a urine sample, I always feel forced to give them my most recent stuff, instead my best work

If I was a tree, I would use my mycelium network to spread vicious lies for clout

Shaggy from Scooby Doo and Steve from Blue's Clues were both hanging out with a dog and solving mysteries. But with very different relationships to food...

I feel like once every six months, I see a video that’s like “wind turbines are actually better if they look like this” and it’s like a tube or a snake or a cube or a wave or some shit and it’s like. Okay do that then

Sometimes you won’t like someone subconsciously because of their pheromones. And it’s like sorry, but you were infrared stinky

Guy who short sold hot cakes: no no no no no no no

Lice are like bed bugs that specialize in the pillow region

Please watch this it’s so fucking funny

Loyalty Cream

working on an ai robot that can weld just to fuck with everyone’s backup job plan

What if the most interesting part of the podcast IS right up top - are you still going to play that clip right before the actual podcast starts

I technically have an n-word pass. Not because of the Tourette’s, but because of my good standing with the community

Not letting me make a clone army is low key eugenics …

My AI girlfriend could beat up your AI girlfriend

Where I’m from, we have a third thing besides the sun and the moon that comes out at dayight

It’s truly so funny that calling yourself a sapiosexual is a stupid thing to do

There’s something fascinating about everyone knowing who Charlie Kirk was to begin with. Like okay, we have all seen various debate clips? We all know he did that ? Even Stephen Miller ? Is Stephen Miller watching Jubilee TikTok clips? Flattening of algorithm .

At The Capital One Cafe, working on my screenplay about a banker who secretly is creative

The Austin comedy scene asks the question, what if you got 100 Lenny Bruces in the same room for one epic think a thon

I got a lychee ice cream to see what it taste like. First lick, it tasted like lychee. Im like totally totally totally

Hill situation in San Francisco is psychotic

LA !! 💫

It is my solemn promise to you that I will never commit a logical fallacy

Jim Carrey hacking into a guy’s phone by doing his face

Comedy credits: I was the strongest man in the world and then died and was reborn

This poop has been formatted to fit your toilet

I saw the greatest minds of my generation in a big vat labeled ‘mind vat’

Organs are that type of shit you need for sure

Aliens are for sure real. There’s like BILLIONS and BILLIONS of people in the world. For sure some of them are aliens in disguise

Microphone is a phallic object ,, and the stool is yonic

One perfect mango lassi could cure Nick Fuentes

Centrist who is into pseudo science from both sides. “I’m a Pisces and that’s why my skull is shaped like this”

Ego is a major element of being regressive. Not wanting to confront that you've been doing harm, or admit that you've been wrong. Right wing comedians seem to operate with playground level ego. They just don't want to be called 'gay.' Endless bravado and insults, no sensitivity.