I like that imitation crab is still just blended fish lol. Like it’s not a vegan alternative. Imagine if tofurkey was just chicken with food coloring

Some relatable jokes

Title art for da special. Done in watercolor by my friend Eileen who is @ soupywoman on IG .

Butterfly Pavilion - Special Taping 👽🦋

Nominative Determinism would be a beautiful name for a baby, depending on how their life plays out

The zoo should have one big enclosure in the middle where all the animals can mingle

Glue Sommelier: Some glues are more for eating, some are more for huffing, but I think you’ll find our rubber cement to be quite versatile

New Orleans is next !

Nice racist joke dude! I couldn’t help but notice that your real political goals align with that though

The same way we have massive undersea cables that connect everyone to the internet, we should have massive undersea pipelines that connect all the world’s sewage into one big poop network

Billions of years ago, Mother Earth and Father Time had a child - Life. (Freeze frame, record scratch) But now, they just had their second child. Introducing Paul! He's a fast wet rock

The volcanos in New Zealand are grass elemental

I am currently in New Zealand to do the comedy festival. New Zealand is on the bottom of the world, so in order for their trees to grow upwards, it seems they have to go sideways and around

Aliens bodies are probably different as hell. Or similar

Mr. Beast: You have to live in this box for 100 days - Me: Deal Mr. Beast: and every day you live there I’ll pay you 10,000 dollars Me: No Deal Mr. Beast: what Me: Let’s not ruin the purity of a game with money. Would you pay a friend 10,000 dollars for every move in chess

No parent should have to watch their child go bald

I'm making an Adapter Toupee that balding folks can wear that lets us to do the Avatar Na'vi hair connection

I threw my clock at the wall and it shattered everywhere into a thousand bits and pieces. But hey, you know what they say, a broken clock is right twice at day

You should be able to do friendly fire in chess. This pawn is in the goddamn way of my master plan

The Dow Jones moved on the Z-index for the first time

Werner Herzog talking about Crazy Frog

a rain scented candle is fire doing a racist impression of water

Alright pal. That does it. Now you’re fucking with some wet ass pussy

That’s weird. I could have sworn it went back and forth between Berenstein Bears and Berenstain Bears rapidly every time you checked

Hey man, excuse me, is this the line to kiss the bride?

Ernest Hemmingway if he never got famous: Write Drunk, Edit Drunk

Two paths diverged in the woods. and I was like, ooo what's this woods about

Martial arts movies show early on that the characters have hands. Once you see hands on screen, you know they will definitely be used to fight. This is called "Chekov's Hands"

What if a cop tasered a guy, but it hits him perfectly in his skull in a way that gives him electroshock therapy, so now he is cured of his criminal ways

What happens to a dream deferred? Does it shrivel up, like an object under my patented shrivel ray

People always talk about how popsicles barely look like the characters, but they don't even taste like them at all

If I had an alien suspended in goo in a big tank, I would decorate it with rainbow gravel and little plastic spaceships

Set lasers to stun to death

horror movie where the bad guy is a metaphor for getting stabbed

Kids these days get their whole personality from the phone. Back in my day we got it from the tv

Embroidery is 2D origami . Folding a line

Beauty and Morality

that's just how I used to pronounce that name as a kid

Brace Belden ran away from Highschool and got caught fingering a girl

I get no respect at all. I asked my wife if she was free tonight, she said, let me ask my primary partner

They're letting me do New Zealand for some reason

Cloning my dog but this time giving it plus 50 armor against vehicle damage

Shen Yun 2: Communism

If you only spend your time playing chess, that’s like living a life where you’ve only activated a bishop

One of the biggest joke writing mistakes I see new comedians make is not making the punchline funny as heck

You can't trust anybody. People will poop with one hole and then pee with the other

Rogan: Did you see the video about the light skin strawberry who cheated with the yellow banana Jamie: I’m pretty sure that’s AI Gillis: hoooo gotta watch out for those shifty *asian voice* banana Normand: light skin light peel ! Comedy! Ari Shaffir: I ate a moldy banana once

Me: Thank you for having me on Joe. I’m excited to have a good faith conversation about the issues of today Rogan: (remembering that he’s bought for 250 million dollars by Spotify, backed by Peter Thiel ) It’s just crazy all the Trans stuff

"Is your dog friendly?" "He's dark woke"

Small amounts of money are great for things like rice and beans to stay alive . Huge amounts of money are great for things like having your every perversion gratified