Whenever new knowledge is carved over the architecture of reality, I’m like bro… I was still reading that …

Obviously jokes have an underlying actual meaning. Obviously obviously obviously. If you call someone a whale, you are calling them fat. Of course elements like context and irony matter. But those change the meaning, they don’t take meaning away entirely

I’m in Kansas City and havin some BBQ . Why cant more cities’ special local food be like a green smoothie that makes me feel good

Teleportation Nephrology - Can get you a new kidney immediately Divination Oncology - no more guessing who is gonna win Voodoo Urology - Even tinier camera goes into the doll’s urethra Lightning Family Practice - can zap the whole family at once Healing Magic but for big Pharma

After a lot of feedback from friends and family, I’ve decided to halt my nuclear enrichment program

Sure you could watch the airplanes at the airport. Or you could watch all the crazy little weird special trucks and cars

We’re leaving woke behind with woke 1. Woke 2 is gonna be all about 2

Scrooge McDuck is an example of nominative determinism, as he did in fact grow up to be a Scottish Duck

My go to first date question? Do you fuck with Rock and Roll

If I was a zookeeper, I would give a spare key to every animal somewhere inside the cage. If they can figure it out, they deserve it

One of the coolest parts of Tourette's is I get to cuss without sin

The shaking and clicking and such is Tourette's and therefore reflects my true beliefs

Two things can be true. Three things even. But no more

I can't help but shout out to the Tourette's community

I have a new Tourette’s tic where I move things with my mind

*getting down on one knee and pulling out a ring* *putting it away and standing back up* Whoops, sorry, new Tourette’s tic

One thing about Tourette’s is it takes all the fun out of hunting me for sport

Sure I have Tourette’s . That doesn’t make me any less of a gamer ,

You can misbehave as much as you like in a circular classroom. The Teacher has no where to put you

Sir!! It's the Pooplers!! They have us shitted!!

Witch Doctor choosing a speciality, goes into Fire Elemental Cardiology

There should be a Fire Island for closeted

Primary partner is just the one they are raw dogging

Our first class audience members are invited to laugh a second time at each joke

Reading your palm: Wow… this is quite the life line… you will live a long healthy life!! Reading your skull: Too bad you’ll be Irish during it

I like how blueberry or bubblegum or apple are considered weird soda flavors, but the normal main ones include various roots

Aliens dissect people in a cloaked mothership way above the sky. People dissect aliens in a secret lab deep below ground. Why can't we just meet in the middle in a wide open field and do mutual dissection

If ketchup didn’t exist, I would put it on my nothingburger

Sharpening my finger tips with a wood carving knife until they are skinny bone tips, and then tickling you with extreme dexterity and accuracy

The bathroom always reminds me of my years at poop camp

The transition from stone tablets to paper must have been really hard at first, with people still trying to carve the paper the first few days

Tapioca’s star role in bubble tea the past decade has put a lot of distance between the pearls and their more controversial earlier work in pudding

Some people believe the appendix is a vestigial organ. That its use has long since passed. I think it’s primordial. Its use has yet to come

Hey, I liked that love letter you wrote me! But I do think it could have been a biiit better. Do you mind if I give you some notes?

What if people still had tails but society over-sexualized them and we all hid them with like a long butt hat

There’s no wrong way to be a despot

On your birthday, you are infallible like the pope

🪩 yassified Wikipedia ball

You cannot go on Rogan and have a good faith conversation. He has been bought out for 250 million dollars by Spotify, backed by Peter Thiel

Genetically enhancing my army of super soldiers by giving them all that special “it” factor you need to make it in show business

I can’t operate on this boy! His soul is bound to an alien and we want the alien to die so we can study its insides

Nerds and slaves cooked when they came together to make the smart phone

32… Minecraft ass birthday…

Waking up as a bug would be so Sisyphusian if you were a dung beetle

Not gonna lie, sometimes I get inside the womb fluids tank when there’s no clone growing in there. It feels so good to float suspended like that and the juices do amazing things for my pores

Brokers are parasitic middlemen between you and your landlord, a parasitic middleman

Aliens are always abducting cows. But then there’s both aliens and cows on the spaceship. It’s gotta smell crazy in there

If you order delivery from a food truck, it’s brought to you by a whole other car. Like dude. Just drive the truck