I threw my clock at the wall and it shattered everywhere into a thousand bits and pieces. But hey, you know what they say, a broken clock is right twice at day

You should be able to do friendly fire in chess. This pawn is in the goddamn way of my master plan

The Dow Jones moved on the Z-index for the first time

Werner Herzog talking about Crazy Frog

a rain scented candle is fire doing a racist impression of water

Alright pal. That does it. Now you’re fucking with some wet ass pussy

That’s weird. I could have sworn it went back and forth between Berenstein Bears and Berenstain Bears rapidly every time you checked

Hey man, excuse me, is this the line to kiss the bride?

Ernest Hemmingway if he never got famous: Write Drunk, Edit Drunk

Two paths diverged in the woods. and I was like, ooo what's this woods about

Martial arts movies show early on that the characters have hands. Once you see hands on screen, you know they will definitely be used to fight. This is called "Chekov's Hands"

What if a cop tasered a guy, but it hits him perfectly in his skull in a way that gives him electroshock therapy, so now he is cured of his criminal ways

What happens to a dream deferred? Does it shrivel up, like an object under my patented shrivel ray

People always talk about how popsicles barely look like the characters, but they don't even taste like them at all

If I had an alien suspended in goo in a big tank, I would decorate it with rainbow gravel and little plastic spaceships

Set lasers to stun to death

horror movie where the bad guy is a metaphor for getting stabbed

Kids these days get their whole personality from the phone. Back in my day we got it from the tv

Embroidery is 2D origami . Folding a line

Beauty and Morality

that's just how I used to pronounce that name as a kid

Brace Belden ran away from Highschool and got caught fingering a girl

I get no respect at all. I asked my wife if she was free tonight, she said, let me ask my primary partner

They're letting me do New Zealand for some reason

Cloning my dog but this time giving it plus 50 armor against vehicle damage

Shen Yun 2: Communism

If you only spend your time playing chess, that’s like living a life where you’ve only activated a bishop

One of the biggest joke writing mistakes I see new comedians make is not making the punchline funny as heck

You can't trust anybody. People will poop with one hole and then pee with the other

Rogan: Did you see the video about the light skin strawberry who cheated with the yellow banana Jamie: I’m pretty sure that’s AI Gillis: hoooo gotta watch out for those shifty *asian voice* banana Normand: light skin light peel ! Comedy! Ari Shaffir: I ate a moldy banana once

Me: Thank you for having me on Joe. I’m excited to have a good faith conversation about the issues of today Rogan: (remembering that he’s bought for 250 million dollars by Spotify, backed by Peter Thiel ) It’s just crazy all the Trans stuff

"Is your dog friendly?" "He's dark woke"

Small amounts of money are great for things like rice and beans to stay alive . Huge amounts of money are great for things like having your every perversion gratified

My AI work wife keeps hallucinating incorrect facts, like the idea that we aren’t meant for each other

Poop is the vomit you couldn’t throw up 💪

Gnomes are very smart despite being very tiny. Phrenologists would love to study their skulls, but the gnomes won't let them - They wear the pointy hat as a deterrent

Anyway . Israel is being evil tho , don’t get me wrong, free Palestine, I’m not Zionist. I just think this is relevant to the broader idea of Nazism

The state of Israel should move around the Middle East constantly like a dvd logo, bouncing when it hits bodies of water

Jews push the boundaries of hat size in both directions

People conflate beauty & morality . I truly think that Orthodox Jews do aesthetic stuff that look bad. Teens not shaving their dogshit beards ? That’s universally cringe. Payot hair is acquired taste lmao. Imagine if the aesthetic rules were swole and wear colorful beads! Not their job to change tho

I’m pretty bad at multitasking but I’ve made my podcast arts and crafts, so now I’m just sort of sitting in silence across from people I’m supposed to be interviewing. Like if they just ate the wings on hot ones

Years ago , I was seeing this girl who was seeing six other guys at the same time. And I was like , well we should make jackets

Doctor Ratatouille

Dude, thank you for DM’ing me that dogshit pun you wrote for me to use in my act. This is how I get my jokes. I’m going to use it as my closer and credit you on stage. Let’s hang out in real life sometime my guy

The jokes on popsicle sticks are usually silly puns. They should have popsicles with alt comedy. The same pun but it means it ironically

Snapple makes a fortune cookie flavored popsicle. The stick has a funny fact that will happen to you

A scoop of vanilla ice cream is an uncrustable ice cream sandwich

As a kid, I wasn’t allowed to touch the hot stove with my bare hands. But now I get to do it whenever I want

(Seeing a weird traffic light ) that’s the type of shit that had Geo guessing

The United States is in flailing late stage capitalism, rotting empire, but luckily it is in the early stages of Benny World