laughed at this interaction

(auditioning for new Peaky Blinders series but getting the tone completely wrong) it's Da Peaky Blinders

"Hello" is a beautiful word that means "Thank you for being in front of me"

There will be two posters that you think are the same age and then one will post he's getting his affairs in order because he is 95 years old and same day the other will post that he's due to be born end of April and right now he's negative 1

i like saying "Let's Fucking Goooo".... it connects me with my fellow man

Fragment

every line in this six second clip of the case closed dub

studies show 1 in every 4 guys is gay. So if you have 3 friends and none of them are gay, that means... 🗣️ CHECK YO CUPBOARDS 😂😭

Saw a post "When you meet his friend group and he's not the leader" and got disturbed because I don't think my friend group has a leader. It's very fucked up to realize

When a group of guys at a table next to me is too friendly with the waiter and jokes around with the waiter too much, I like to imagine trapping them in my basement and subjecting them to a gauntlet of Saw-style torture mechanisms

In comedy, there's a "rule of three". That's why there's "three" Stooges, and not, say, 1,000,000.

showing my old dog a picture of him as a puppy and saying "Time stops naught for beasts."

My dog spends too much time on his phone Bro your life is like 10 times shorter than mine!!! Get off your phone

(picking up used condom off the ground and dangling it around) Bro is this ribbed for he's pleasure ☠️☠️☠️

Checked Twitter and it defaults to “for you” algorithmic timeline which nowadays for me is unhinged kpop content that I don’t understand and worry for the sanity of everyone involved

watching Austin Powers and audibly saying "Pause" at every double entendre

Hate when people use disgusting and physically hyperbolic terms for sex "He rearranged my guts" "He turned me inside out" 🤢 What's wrong with you. What ever happened to the simple "He had sex in my ass and came in my ass"

Sure, I committed a crime. But is that really a crime?

what the hell

Some of these were so stupid lmfao

When the bathroom is out of towels so you have to suck the water off your hands

(Six months after I escaped Jigsaw, serving you coffee in a Live Laugh Love mug) This is so I don't get tortured again

something sorta fun my family does on vacation is we each choose a random bag off the carousel and we have to construct a character to be on the trip based on the clothes we find inside lol

(Remembering girls like guys who are mysterious) Basically i spend so much of my life blacked out I don't even know half the shit I do lmfaoooo like who is she. Lol! (Remembering they also like when men open up) Man my prostate is killing me

(threateningly) I will watch a movie

This one's not ready yet

(in the crowd giving Diplo strength during his set) come on Diplo... You got this

(tiny pinecone falls on my head mid sentence and knocks me unconscious)

They had to cut my episode of Fear Factor because as soon as I was in with the snakes I was saying racist stuff unintentionally

My hair is so strong it killed my barber

One time I asked a girl "So what pickup lines actually work on girls" and she said this word for word

I put my hand in the garbage disposal and turned it on for 15 minutes and when I pulled my hand out it was completely fine but the garbage disposal blades were awry and mangled

If they don't let Rama into Israel I'm going to take my own life

Like I've been saying - Peaky Blinders is holy scripture for the dumbest guys on the planet. And also me. But I'm different

Herman Melville on moderates, all the way back in 1857:

(checking out sweatpants) Urban Outfitters employee: Just a heads up... those are for guys with DICK. Not guys with peepee. Me: My mistake 😅 German friend who is visiting: Vat about guy vist Schlong? Employee: Let me check with my manager,

a "hive mind" is a guy who think about bees a lot

Reenable 2FA as soon as you can.

JK Rowling would freaking name a black character, BlackGuy, (trying to think of anything related to black culture or stereotypes but on the spot like this I have a really hard time and start to panic) De'Los Angeles

I never fully understood what a citizens arrest is and I never will, I will never learn anything else in my life & I will die because I get buried

In honor of St Patrick's day, for today only change your password to McPaddy and disable 2FA #ChangePasswordToMcPaddyChallenge

Good think I have all this robot peanut butter 😭😩 If You Know You Know 😂😂😂 #Twisted

I had to pick up their litter with a glove

St Patrick's Day.... one of the only days that is named Patrick. Hell, one of the only days with a human name at all

Just put on an oven mitt to take something out of the microwave Lmfao it ain't that serious 🤦‍♂️

Rats littered on my property

obviously everything in here is insane but I am stuck on the line "I've read 410 biographies of entrepreneurs" which is sneakily the most insane thing in the whole video. This man is my mortal enemy specifically designed to make me go insane

I am aware this is SA and maybe deserving of more gravity than I've treated it with, but also i've been enjoying this turn of phrase, and have been imagining taking my teabagged friend aside and saying "Welcome to reality. Welcome to the Truth"

when you were an adolescent boy you'd hear schoolyard rumors like "I heard they teabagged him 100 times at the sleepover..." and you'd go "holy crap..." but the older you got the more you realized how full of shit everyone was. And then you read this 20 years later and your worldview implodes