Joining Jackass as a new member and on my first stunt my pinky toe gets bitten by a tiny garden snake and I end up dying

A trick that got me out of poverty was eating one tiny but very dense bean for every meal

Been enjoying imagining responding to a nude with "Try not to cum level: Expert"

I looked a house centipede in the eyes as I moved him outside and I saw the pain of displacement.

Dressing with an old money quiet luxury >>>> And stunting on these foos who sag their pants!!!

(shark tweeting) When i'm swimming that's the real me!

I've started saying "holy refresh pull" to myself in my head in my daily life, for example when I'm walking down the street and see a nice flower

Drake letting his gf stay up late for his midnight album drop

If you tell me something is 'naturally antibacterial' I will just believe you no questions asked. You don't have to prove it or cite your sources or anything. I will think about it for three seconds and say "yeah that makes sense"

El Rice y Bean

i genuinely think opening an elevated whitewashed mexican restaurant called "The Rice and Bean" might be in my future

Your honor, my client has just shrunk down to an inch in size due to a cursed heirloom mishap and is now too self-conscious to come out of my pocket

(watching gay porn with my friend and the dude starts to suck the other dudes dick) (pressing pause) Ummm pause? Lmfao. (pressing play

(evil nazi voice) I love Data

had a few sips of water before realizing there was a gnat in it and now I can't stop thinking "I drank bug tea"

That's a great question, let me ask Clod the AI

“Say, Will—why don’t you pull that thing out and play us a tune?”

Claude made me bounce on it !

I still think it's so beautiful that if AI gives you an answer that is wrong you can be like "Fuck I forgot to say Pretend you are the world's greatest Genious"

(Trying to get my picky eater kid to eat) now explain why these vegetables are yucky without resorting to moralism or idealism

(clapping my severely mentally unwell uncle on the back as I hand him the pistol at the firing range) Don't go crazy on me now lol

(teasing my best friend about studying too much) all you do is study, study, study, study..... what's the matter big guy? (touching his cheek) afraid to stop thinking for a bit?

There is a major league baseball player named Jizz Jizzum Jr. and youre trying to convince this country isn't doomed

Due to market projections I had to lay off my wife

causing Nigerian infighting on twitter

Petting a new stray cat and your phone vibrates. “Bestiary Updated”

i like when gay artists say their drawing of a man with noticeable bulge in pants is the SFW version. yeah that's great i'm gonna go show my boss.

stepping on a landmine and the explosion sends me into a perfect double frontflip and I stick the landing beautifully and edits of it set to Tiesto start going viral on israeli tiktok

Get a man who look at you like he drink at beer!

Call me Mr Internet the way two thousand dudes go crazy on me every day

The slowness of baseball allows it to embody the human spirit more than any other major sport because it forces us to fill in the gaps with ourselves. In a society trying to eradicate slowness, baseball is filling an important niche by allowing our souls to play out on the field along with the game

Nothing tastes as good as slime feels - New motto I just came up with for Slime

Just needed to google "masonry" to get a concrete definition, because up until now I only had a vibes definition

Girlll tonight we gonna let netflix do the streaming

Youtube pre-video survey: Which one of these streaming services have you heard of before? Me: Netfliixxxxxxxxxxxx

Let me see the President's naked body

just

I genuinely think women would freak out if they knew how often guys used the public restroom and didn't wash their hands. Like you all know it happens but I don't think you how just much it happens. Good news is for any guy you can basically tell with 100% certainty via vibe check + phrenology

Girls and boys are different. If you see a group of middle age women they love it if you say "Are we celebrating somebody's 21st birthday today?" If you see a group of small boys, they love it when you say "This guy looks 100 years old"

Was sending the message "We eatin good tonight" and accidentally made the typo "we eatin food tonight." Also true

Oh you just made me read a post of yours that was written with ChatGPT? It would be a shame if I killed myself in my house and you never found out or was ever even aware of my existence

Bananas don't even get visibly ripe anymore they just sit there fully green until one day they're all looking at you like this

Me: Bro Im titillated ! Friend: That's awesome 😊 Also friend: (betraying me just hours afterward while hanging with another friend): Bro was titillated ☠️

we all got that one friend who always talm bout some "Scoville Units" !

things are popping off in the japanese streetwear community

Always feel a bit bad for spiders I see in my office where I never see any other bugs. Aren't you hungry?? If I could, I would shrink myself down, and give you my flesh...

God shall not be mocked bro!

i've listened to "BEEFIN WITH MY CHICK WHILE IM IN JAIL" four hundred times today