Uhhh yeah my friggin pronouns are Shemp (remembering pronouns usually come in twos) Ummm, Shemp/Stooge.

Business Majors when they realize they have some business due at midnight (8k resolution picture of Goatse that nobody can find anywhere else online

Will Smith: (Speedwalking toward me on stage) Keep My Wife Name Out Yo Fuckin Mouth ! Me: (Huge smile because I recognize him from I, Robot): I Robot 😄

My wife's boyfriend's girlfriend's sister's boss's daughter's stepmom, Loves it when I make her cum with ease

This Valentine's day, set the mood right by watching, a movie, an listening to, a Song

That's life!

"Ooohhhh david foster wallace would have hated gooning oh he would have been depressed at gooners and hated gooning" David Foster Wallace would have LOVED Gooning.

Oh nice you have both a twitter and bluesky that's sick, It would be a shame if out of laziness you were reposting the same content on each instead of curating two separate and tonally distinct oeuvres

(with almost no idea what I'm saying whatsoever) mf thinks he's Telemachus 😑

(ebay notification) You have an offer from the seller: Kill yourself in my backyard

On the TL: Aaaaaand the ASU frat leader just fratmogged Clavicular -__- He was jestermaxing too btw. In the DMs: I would let the ASU frat leader use me like a sea urchin

This one star review of a local convenience store... fair enough

I, Love Foids .

Eat that bean is all you need, all you need, is to eat that bean! - Bean slogan, 1876, Unknown

I have no phone and I must, go on the phone* *Author's note: "I have no mouth and I must scream" modern parody

getting shot in the head with a sniper and my body launches into a perfect backflip and lands upright leaning against the wall in a cunty position. The soldier who shot me has nightmares about it every day until killing his wife and then himself on March 28, 2043

it was the best of gables, it was the worst of gables. there were also five other gables.

(seeing AI image of Epstein in a turtleneck) is it just me or does he, despite everything, have an air of ultra-refined aristocracy to him...

Gf: You didn't invite your Dark Woke friend right... Me: 😅 (Phone lights up w new DM from an account named "Going To Epstein's Island To Rape All Da Old Guys") I'm here my ninja

You'll have to excuse my friend, he's dark woke.

Sports Reporter: Wow, congratulations. Tell me, how does it feel? Me: It feels really really good, we wanted this, the boys just wanted it more that's what it comes down to Reporter: And I just have to ask - what does this mean to you? Me: It means the world,

Friend: (getting acid thrown in his face, permanently disfiguring him) My visage!! Me: (gasping) His countenance

I like it that the bluesky prompt is "What's up?" like it's a friend talking to you. It assuages my mind-numbing and inveterate loneliness.

outta my way lady i gotta write Jurassic Park

It is gay for a society to give "Best New Artist" to a man

Oneshotting my parole officer with a well-placed sour warhead

Giving a handshake so firm it degloves my boss

Laughing imagining a guy seeing chappell roam grammy dress and saying "Aaaannnnndddd jacking off was not on my bingo card for 2026," it seems a little crass for me to just outright say in a quote tweet so I said I imagined a different guy saying it.

Unfortunately my fantasy football punishment this year is to shoot my dad with a gun

Trying out some "visual remixes"

Elon: My good sirs -__- May I come to your pedophile dungeon for teh internet gold >.> Me: No man I have like 1 girl only Elon: I will bring teh frosty brewz ^__^ Me: Sorry I have like 1 girl only and she's currently having sex with Stephen Hawking

Just made Borat

Noooooo don't unalive urself Ur too nubile 🙈

(haven't sexted in 7 years getting back into the game) Show me that pussy girl!

haven't been on twitter so i've missed most of the news until now but Lmfao at this email

Fellas, you know when your girl comes back from Texas and she smells like a rubber worm?<—- she allowed me to post this

Bluesky is great at giving you pretty damn good engagement on your posts for the first 9 minutes they exist in the world and then nobody ever sees them again

(Watching Frankenstein, smiling wisely as Jacob Elordi's creature discovers that violence is the way of the world) Thus maketh the beast .

in 2nd grade I wanted to write a big book of tongue twisters and the only thing I could think of was "Two trucks tow toenails" I was so devastated.

Sometimes i'll be fucking around just writing whatever in the drafts and then realize I accidentally stumbled upon the genuine worldview of Andrew Tate

(not quite sure what's going on in the world but being pretty sure posting this will get me points with attractive women regardless) Let 👏 The Girlies 👏 Have 👏 Fun 👏

Lol

Reading Faulkner in a crowded cafe and somehow reading the N words quieter in my head than the other words

Shinji: I'm so fucked up... Me: (drunk at 3pm because I have a problem that will kill me at age 47) Shinji dat was goated

my short film Homemade Gatorade is showing at Sundance 2026 😋 such a wonderful honor, I can’t believe it !! big big thanks to my friends that contributed to this film, and to all my patrons that helped fund it ✨ @sundance.org

In that Green Day song where he says "When masturbation's lost its fun", is anti-gooner propaganda and actually quite problematic.

A Computer Can Never Be Held Accountable Therefore A Computer Must Never Be Used To Make Child Pornography

never go to the grocery store full.... You won't buy a single thing

How could Sydney Sweeney betray me one thousand times... Hiw could she do this