I am my own worst enemy. And thus, as the worst enemy of my worst enemy, my best friend.

I don't want my children to have better lives than me. Whoever has the best life becomes head of the household.

I never pass by a Make-A-Wish child without rubbing their head and making a wish, and yet still none of them have come true.

When I entered the Witness Protection Program, they assigned me a new identity in a competing crime family.

Just "0 Minutes". It's cleaner.

These Epstein files are wild. So many photos! They've even got his Hinge photo.

These Epstein files have shaken my view of the victims. I'm not saying they deserved it, exactly, but every one is wearing blackface.

It's insane how old I am. This can't be right. I remember being a child. I remember my first day of school.

I'm old. My life is behind me. Big deal. What good is life? It only leads to being old, with your life behind you.

“My life sucks.” [friend stares awkwardly behind me] “oh, it’s right behind me isn’t it.”

I'm old. My life is behind me. Big deal. What good is life? It only leads to being old, with your life behind you.

I don't want to read anything that has AI in it. I don't even want to read words like "chain" or "pail".

A mass shooting in Australia and a stabbing in America. Everything is topsy-turvy. Nothing makes any sense. Oh, thank God, there was also a mass shooting in America.

Generative AI is amazing at tasks where I am not qualified to judge the output.

A mass shooting in Australia and a stabbing in America. Everything is topsy-turvy. Nothing makes any sense. Oh, thank God, there was also a mass shooting in America.

I don't want to believe it. Let's hope Rob Reiner killed some other elderly couple.

Generative AI is amazing at tasks where I am not qualified to judge the output.

Jesus was an influential Jewish preacher and leader circa 25 CE. This pissed off the Roman authorities, who were Christian (Roman Catholic).

I am sick and tired of going to the bathroom. It's been forty years. It should all be out by now.

Remember 6 7? Remember AI slop? Click Like if you're a 2020s kid.

It's a big club sandwich, and you ain't eatin' it.

Remember 6 7? Remember AI slop? Click Like if you're a 2020s kid.

When cartoon characters discuss numbers in base ten rather than base eight, it takes me completely out of my suspension of disbelief. Their society would not have developed that way.

When cartoon characters discuss numbers in base ten rather than base eight, it takes me completely out of my suspension of disbelief. Their society would not have developed that way.

I flunked out of the school of hard knocks. It was a tough blow. At that point, I graduated with honors.

Several times in my life, I mocked someone in my insensitive youth for some affliction, only to later suffer from the same affliction myself. The lesson I have taken away from this is that I should start mocking people for having enviably pleasant lives.

I don't know what to do. What's the point of life? It's making money, right?

The evils of the world are because of people not taking enough humanities classes. More people should be like Alex Karp, who has a bachelor's degree in philosophy, a JD, and a PhD in social theory.

I have no idea when highlighting text in Chrome on my Android will let me web search it, vs translating it, vs defining it, vs whatever. I always want the ability to web search and I get it some fraction of the time. It is also frustrating that I can't do it from arbitrary apps.

I was put on this Earth for one purpose and one purpose only. I don't know what it is.

Physical youth is wasted on the mentally young. Has anyone ever made this observation before?

God only knows what I'd do without myself.

I'm running out of goodness juice. I'm going to become evil soon.

I don’t want to seem out of touch but I don’t actually understand the economy anymore.

I'm running out of goodness juice. I'm going to become evil soon.

I am so disappointed to find out Epstein was hobnobbing with Chomsky. My goat is washed. [Everyone nods at first at the relatable statement, then grows increasingly uncomfortable in the silence as I refuse to clarify the ambiguity]

I am so disappointed to find out Epstein was hobnobbing with Chomsky. My goat is washed. [Everyone nods at first at the relatable statement, then grows increasingly uncomfortable in the silence as I refuse to clarify the ambiguity]

Should the economy be regulated by a democratic society to ensure that it creates opportunity and benefit for everyone? Or should it be a plaything for approximately a dozen of the world's most odious assholes? Who knows

this world now is almost nothing like i would want! i would like being generally honest and scrupulous to be valued. i would like art to be a kind of human communication. i would like it if police weren't brutalizing my neighbors. i would like affordable coffee, stable meaningful work for people

As a Trump supporter, I keep sharing photos of Trump and Epstein in the same room at the same time, to make clear they are two separate people.

As a Trump supporter, I keep sharing photos of Trump and Epstein in the same room at the same time, to make clear they are two separate people.

For security's sake, you should have to create a separate passcode to send each tweet.

I haven't really been following the Jeffrey Epstein lore, but these emails make it starkly clear he deserved to rot in prison. A healthy society cannot tolerate these punctuation choices.

Who is Nobel laureate Yuval Hoffman?

The Democrats' election plan, as always, is to point at the Bad Man and say he's bad. But this is the time to talk about how this oligarchic political and economic system allowed this kind of person to take power in the first place, and how it should be changed. No appetite for that

You wouldn't last one day in my shoes. They are painfully small. And so, correspondingly, is my penis.

I hope to achieve the level of success where someday, I can make a cameo appearance in something.

they need to show it to him with something fun on it like draft kings or angry birds

I hate our gerontocracy so much. Schumer has got to go. This out of touch old man refuses to get a smartphone, even as people keep trying to hand him one.