Gotye should do a concert where he plays every song except that one

The way he immediately nods in agreement after getting caught over his skis by her is so telling. They will be married for sixty years and die within a week of each other

Said “I guess I’ll just kill myself then” when my cat rebuffed my attempt to pet him then realized with horror I’d become my mother

We’re making Space Philadelphia. We’re making it so you can put Old Bay on french fries in low Earth orbit

happy easter

doing a “husband’s run” (early morning grocery run for a missing breakfast item, because i get to wander the store and get whatever else i want) but committing the “husband’s folly” (forgetting the one item i was asked to get, eggs)

Separating the art from the artist so I can look up old clips from Making The Band on youtube

We woulda had this Iran shit wrapped up by now if we had control of the strategic lynchpin that is Greenland

Somebody in the Red Lobster boardroom said we either stand on our fucking name, ten toes down, or they bury us in a closed casket. Real shit.

Gonna name my daughter Sigourney and when people ask me "Like Sigourney Weaver?" I'mma be like "Who's that?"

I'm sure it says something about me that I can consistently beat Slay The Spire 2 with every character except for the one that's just like ... the basic guy. I can manage orbs and summons and stars, but give me Ironclad cards and tell me to block attacks and hit the enemy I'm like an idiot baby

Absolutely do not approve of seeing this sort of content on my timeline. Bluesky needs to moderate its website so that normal users don’t have to see M*ts f*ns unless they opt into that perversion

Hey you wanna come over and hang out? We can put on Inland Empire, and I can stare at you the entire 3 hours to make sure you're emotionally engaging with it correctly.

The Dolphins had defensive coordinators PRESSED with this shit in 2008.

Trying to explain to youtube moderation team that my cat sent that death threat from my account because the account that posts his ambient bird videos posted one without any chickadees in it

mfs acting like it's inevitable that this show will be an overwhelming success, but I don't know that a show with Surf Dracula pacing, David Fincher lighting, and a target demo of exclusively semi-literate millennials will be the barnstormer they're looking for

Governor Gen X wants to return to a simpler time when kids learned cursive in school, rode bikes to the creek, drank from the hose, and pledged allegiance to Israel every day.

Must be crazy to have a kid in your high school grow to 7’2” and then a bunch of big city basketball scouts have to come to your town like so many Jon Harkers saying “I wish to observe your village’s massive beast and perhaps bring him back to my university”

Intern: Patient's 35 years old, checked in because he saw a dog that was "too big" Dr. Robby: Come on we talked about this. You can't come in for that Dr. Al-Ashimi: Actualllly, one in three dogs is too big *she looks at the camera* And it's perfectly normal to be afraid of them.

White people when Chuck Norris died

First bar in history to have a negative number of women in it

First college team to install the Him Detector on the sidelines wins a Natty easily

Clearly went in just to give love to Ranger, but Acuna spotted him and Bryce accepted that now he's just gotta give 25 hugs. Been there, twin.

It's true ... all of it

Type shit I be on

You know that the Chalamet hate-campaign is fueled by morons because half the people trying to own him are saying shit like “Nobody cares about ping pong anyway!”

Mr. Bardem, why do you refuse to comment on your actions of selling Lyle, Lyle Crocodile to pay for your personal debts?

Horseshit call get the robo umps in there now

I hope soon they come out with a new actor named Lebron B James, and people online have the most pointless debates online about how good he is

Real Madrid for my athletic friends. Atletico Madrid for my real friends.

Amazon confirms SmartToilet security breach: Millions of customers' body waste data stolen by "Brown Hat" hackers

Been really getting into rap walkthroughs of the 2004 indie darling Cave Story lately. Anyone have any recs for other albums for fans of rap walkthroughs of the 2004 indie darling Cave Story?

Beaned up on a March evening. Doesn't get any better than this.

Everybody has the idea to invent Gun Kata from first principles, but only the bravest heroes have the courage to teach it to Christian Bale and film it

Male athletes put on a Team USA jersey and they say “Bet. I’m gonna be the most offputtingly confrontational d-bag possible,” and you have to appreciate how accurately they represent the country

Smokin a pack of Marioro's for Mar10 Day @nintendousa.bsky.social can i get a Switch 2 as compensation for my #sponsored post?

"Son, it's your father, Ray ... RAY PARKER SENIOR ... You know that new sound you're looking for? Well listen to this!" *holds phone up in the haunted house*

Waking up in the Obama Presidential Center with all of my weapons gone except the Superpowered Gravity Gun

Southeastern Pennsylvanians are like beavers except instead of instinctively damming any running water, they will assemble any food in their environment into a sandwich. God’s people

Esoteric Ebb using things like Welsh and Polish as stand-ins for fantasy languages solidifies it as GOTY easily

😤

One of the most important cultural figures of the 90's; a man who brought a coolness and swagger to his office that most thought was impossible. Since his retirement, has used his visibility to advocate for positive causes. A top-class guy. And that POS Bill Clinton

It’s a sign of the patriarchal “male as default viewpoint” society that we live in that this isn’t called The Giant Husband

I found where they’re conserving you

The only good thing about hockey culture is that sometimes goalies will have an idea like "I should eat a hockey puck to absorb its powers and become a better goaltender." We need to scrap the radioactive waste that is everything else and build around insane goalies

Celtics edition of Catan where the resources are nothin but bricks

Three word opening line and Highlighter Henry got it exactly wrong. Tough scenes