Hearing voiceover dialogue explaining the most obvious basic shit in a movie really makes me feel connected to the dumbass test audiences who probably get scared when the sun goes away at the end of every day

Love when people tell me they’re “extremely online” because it’s an immediate tell that they’re extremely offline but they saw a news story about the internet between 14 and 28 days ago

And small beers … I’ve had a few …

When my regiment figures out which country is infiltrating our nation’s family courts and undermining our good citizens with unfair custody agreements and oppressive alimony payments, our response will be swift and lethal.

Some of my favorite hobbies include browsing my supermarket’s app for exclusive coupons and stopping strangers in the supermarket to ask them if they’re using the exclusive coupons from the app

We're rebooting Klute. We're making a whole Klute-iverse. Audiences will come out in droves every summer to see what Klute is up to. Timmy Chalamet tapped to play Klute in Klute reboot.

Really interesting tidbits in this latest NYT focus group

Taking about 25-35 Tylenols and going absolutely apeshit at the model train store

With alt text.

Chiitan loves all transgender people. I've received a lot of criticism for expressing my support, but what's more important is that all transgender people live happy lives. Blue Sky cannot display long posts, so please read this post if you'd like. love you all 🤍 ↓ www.instagram.com/reel/C9qppva...

the girl with the girl with the dragon tattoo tattoo

Gonna be crazy the next time TikTok goes down and a nationwide network of bored brainrotted 20-year-olds wipes out a random percentage of politicians in an event that history will refer to as "Order 6-7"

got ur ass lmao

God really does give his jankiest video game ROMhacks to his most unemployed soldiers, huh?

We shall always remember this day, September 10th, as the Yankees organization’s personal 9/11

What if his name ends up being Mario

Conservative astroturfers all sitting around a table right now having the same conversation the Oakland A’s scouts had when they lost Jason Giambi

Etsy Witch has every right to jack up the price of the brick off this

Finally saw Godzilla Minus One. Loved its message that therapy is not an adequate replacement for flying a bomb down the throat of a giant killer dinosaur

trump was eating the pill from limitless for making you racist

Was watching my wife play Mahjong but everyone else watching found out I didn’t know how Mahjong works so they chased me into a barn and set it on fire for being a fake fan

Pope Leo has announced the canonization of the first “millennial saint”: the balloon boy, who made it all the way to heaven in that damn thing

Words can't convey how embarrassed I was as a little kid when my friends realized I had used proper capitalization on my name in Pokemon instead of allcaps.

[ancient egyptian standup comic] see guys from the upper kingdom, they observe funerary rites like THIS. but us guys from the lower kingdom, we observe funerary rites like THIS. See this guy knows what I’m talking about [pointing at man with the head of a bird]

The twilight of a job when you start stealing office supplies after giving your two weeks is so beautiful

My dipshit cousin from Boston loves Fromsoft and won’t shut up about “Dahk Souls” and “Ahmored Coor”

To those of us who give a damn about elocution, they’ll always be Chumberwumber

Saw a guy who didn't like a joke say "That's not funny. It's just silly in an unexpected way"

Phillies game last night was so exciting that the Phillies subreddit had to update their policy on verbal abuse

Future historians will have to decide whether to count AI Deepfake Trump as the 48th president or whether it counts as the same guy

My clusters

It's crazy that circumstances are the only things that can be extenuating.

Don’t carry your balloon through this neighborhood bro. Put it in your backpack until we get back to the Airbnb

Finding out your cat likes a new esoteric human food is like hitting the lottery. I can't imagine going back to the part of my life where I didn't know she would kill somebody for a single lick of raspberry jam.

i think comparing vote blue no matter who type democrat stans to sport fans isn't especially apt because if a sports team's GM was always making the roster worse on purpose in an attempt to win over fans of their most bitter rival, that man would be killed

The Herr’s bag triggered a deep clause in the law that means Philadelphia now technically has sovereignty over NYC

Cooking instructions had me put the oven on 300, and I'm sorry that's not real. I'm heating up these Trader Joe's frozen falafel with positive thinking

Just thought about how bad Saltburn was and got so annoying about it that my wife left for work early

Chipotle should advertise itself as having roguelite deckbuilder mechanics

Clicked on the "Millennial" language in Duolingo and it just started playing golden era Simpsons clips

that movie sucked so if the elder millennials want to join the hose crowd that’s fine by me.

Zoomers don't realize how much the world shifted when they started selling those trash bags with the handles built into the rim. My family weren't early adopters and I would have to lie about it when the popular kids asked me about it at school

Dog owners are so fragile and get mad if you even imply their pet isn’t an angel that belongs in the grocery store. Cat owners live to be asked “How evil is he?” just so they can start reading out the dossier of their pet’s crimes

Pisses me off when fans give a athlete static for gaining weight as if a fat guy balling out isn’t the hypest shit you can root for in professional sports

One thing I wish I saw more on here is when people argue about insane cleanliness rituals. I wanna hear from the guy who thinks you’re disgusting if you don’t pre-wash your feet before stepping in the shower or something

Guys like us will look in the mirror and unbutton a button on their shirts then go outside and sheepishly rebutton it the moment we pass by one individual person on the street. You just couldn't relate.

My dumb ass will cook something in the slow cooker and then be like "Why is this taking so damn long?"