“I’m gonna give you till the count of 48 to get your lying, cheating, no good low down four flushing carcass out my door. 1, 2, 48 aaaaahahahahah” *machine gun firing*

“Remember when I gave Iran ten days…” no. No I don’t bro. You’ve switched this shit up so many times I barely remember when you fired Pam Bondi. Was it months ago?

Trump says Iran has 48 hours to open up the Strait of Hormuz, “before all Hell will reign down on them. Glory be to GOD!”

I tend to get dogpiled every time I say this but: as someone *who likes the earth and benefits from being here* we have a problem. The core of the earth, has stopped spinning. It has dropped to zero miles per hour. This time last year it was .5% faster than earths surface.

logging on

“This Lofi take wouldn’t last at all here, no sir. It’s not at all the kinda thing you hear over here whatsoever”

oh it gets worse -- some overt transphobe in their replies referred to those of us relying on aid as "whores" and sky liked the post 🙃

“A very interesting mistake” is how I describe my adult son

“The hiring and educational standards have gone way down at the NYT.”

You might say regarding my account:

Just saw someone say "abortion jokes are beyond the pale" in my mentions and I don't know how you found my account but i'd seek greener pastures.

i dared cuz it was real funny and made me giggle

"A second Air Force combat plane crashed in the Persian Gulf region on Friday, and the lone pilot was safely rescued..."

i recall seeing right wing commentators absolutely busting their load about A-10s being deployed near the strait of hormuz because that meant iran was really On The Ropes any minute now. .......aaaaaaaaaaany minute now

You wouldn’t last 5 seconds with my wife. I miss my son Barack dearly

This show is brilliant in ways that I cannot really get into without describing some truly grotesque things

Me after trying to put my hands in my pockets: “oh right, we’re all naked. This is somewhat embarrassing”

"bluesky is dying" discourse means: check your smoke alarm batteries + reiterate that all text based social media is dying, it's just that X, Threads, Facebook, Substack Notes etc all hide their statistics bsky.jazco.dev/stats

Rather than the site losing users, I, for one, happen to believe this site has never been more powerful

great another team i don't get picked for

live footage of us marines prepping for iran invasion

last moment before d'oh

I also guarantee that I will never melt down apart from that time I hadn’t slept for three days and accused some random account of being a CIA agent

as PhDs and Blue Check Holders alike melt down on here, I want all of my followers to know that as a fellow PhD and Blue Check Holder, I will NEVER melt down That’s the Alex Fitzpatrick Guarantee™️

I give you all permission to screenshot this now to use if I do melt down on here, at that point it will be 100% deserved

The women feeling pressured or coerced in to consenting doesn't apply when several women have said all along that they did NOT consent. And now he has a new Netflix special #LouisCK

Also, I've seen I Love You, Daddy and it's not just hideous in hindsight, it's also absolutely terrible. He made a fucking dreadful bad movie that is crap.

Louis CK is getting a new Netflix special. He is way less cancelled than Kathy Griffin. Louis CK maintains the lie that "he always received consent". He didn't. The original article detailing the accounts of several accusers makes clear that in some cases he violated these women without consent.

I tend to get dogpiled every time I say this but: as someone *who likes the earth and benefits from being here* we have a problem. The core of the earth, has stopped spinning. It has dropped to zero miles per hour. This time last year it was .5% faster than earths surface.

absolute lad

106. Jagerbomb Yorkshire's Becky Moody bred Bomba from her own pretty ordinary mare and some prime jizz shipped from overseas. She named him after her fave drink. They've gone on to be Olympic and European medallists and are the favourites to win the dressage World Cup next week. It's a fairytale.

On social media in the wee morning, the way to tell if someone is an insomniac or simply Australian, is to demand they list marsupial facts. The insomniac will info-dump infinite marsupial facts at you, the Australian will just respond "go fuck yourself, mate"

This was my senior year in high school, I lived about 2 miles from his house, and I saw the guy all the time

My wife left me… A BIG MESS TO CLEAN UP haha. Ever since she left 3 months ago and didn’t leave me any information about where we keep the cleaning supplies

Underrated detail in Star Wars: Episode I -- the reveal that Queen Amidala keeps multiple guns hidden in the armrest of her throne YOU KNOW SHE KEEP THAT THANG ON HER

RIP to all the other empires felled by the gods for their hubris, but we are built different. and better. maybe even better than the gods

The new episode of hot ones will feature the dark lord Cthulhu and you’ll all be surprised as to how well it can hold its spicy food

Zombie Alanis Morissette: It's like BRAINNNSS

Now with the drone titanic, the ship is truly unsinkable. That is, until someone builds a drone iceberg…

I am one degree of sexual separation from two different famous MS NOW anchors, through two completely separate partners

I cannot tell a lie. The previous statement isn’t true. Big riddle, how can be?

look at us. look at what they make you give

Me after trying to put my hands in my pockets: “oh right, we’re all naked. This is somewhat embarrassing”

introducing myself at a sex party by saying "long time sex-haver, first time orgy-doer" and immediately getting asked to leave.

there’s no way Superman’s sex organs are compatible with Homo sapiens. I believe Kryptonians can be romantically attached to humans, sure. but there has to be Lovecraftian terror beneath the belt. unless you posit a common origin between two races that evolved a galaxy apart, there’s no sense there.

every single reply to this is golden, there’s even a comic strip - who says BlueSky didn’t have the juice? BlueSky has the juice.

Incels train each other to be weird and offputting in literally any interaction with women, so that they when return to their nest of fellow incels they feel bonded with each other, homoerotically, against the harshness of the outside world.

I was once accidentally left in a classified area of the congressional library