Local Man Remains Celibate, Claims He’s “Too Good At Sex”

my local gov halted new data center development and is pouring the net revenue from existing sites into affordable housing. this has been a far more productive use of the revenue than other localities, which have largely used to it cut property taxes (in a state with fairly lower property taxes)

Claude this, Claude that, what if I Claude your fucking eyes out stop talking to me

If something bad happens tonight it ain’t just on Trump. It’s on every single person that obeys a command and follows an order.

I can not stress this enough:

Iran assures the American people they hold no hostility towards us while Trump talks about destroying civilizations. If you removed the names involved every single person on earth, regardless of political affiliation, instantly knows who the proudly evil ones are.

Can’t believe we’re getting Power Plant Day and Bridge Day beore infrastructure week

You couldn’t make Castaway today. All the packages would be $3 dresses from SHEIN. Just Tom Hanks trying on women’s clothes for 2 hours.

Dune? Yeah! Driving after Dune drugs!

Check out my azaleas hoe

Byron Noem this, Byron Noem that…if I’m Kristi I’d be byron my husband some big tits and suckin on them thangs, noem sayin?

@wapplehouse.bsky.social predicted the Hasan Piker discourse long before centrists began melting down.

“Why didn’t they just cast Adam Driver as Snape???” It’s not a draft. You can’t legally force him to do lame shit.

The time honored capitalistic trend of gradually making your product shittier and shittier until you can debut the original as a new product

Unfortunately cops have moved on to being afraid of a whole different drug fox59.com/news/indycri...

Cops have been taking daily doses of fentanyl to build up their resistance. Some officers can mainline 5 grams with no effect now, much to their dismay.

You never really hear panicked stories about cops being exposed to fentanyl anymore. Almost like it was a completely fake crisis invented by law enforcement and perpetuated by the media while Biden was in office.

My buddy Web looks more like Maui than The Rock does

Me and some of the culdesac Dads are thinkin of doin like maybe spec ops now that we can enlist. Just gotta check with the wives and wait til the kids are on spring break but Phil just bought some New Balance to train in then we’re gonna give those Iraqi…er Iranian bastards hell

Visiting the residence of a man who had god awful taste in home furnishings, got fat from fast food and pills and liked sleeping with very underage girls is a bit on the nose, big dawg.

the worst thing that can happen to a white man is being made fun of online

First look at Dwayne Johnson as Maui in the live-action ‘MOANA’ remake.

My buddy Web looks more like Maui than The Rock does

God took a 20% cut of his lifespan

Pitt flashback where the team is constantly dealing with Ben roethlisberger assault victims

God took a 20% cut of his lifespan

a wifi router named thislanismylan

Years ago I found a Starbucks gift card in a car I was detailing(not a customer car)so I kept it and used it many times over a period of years, always surprised it still had money on it and never checking the balance just for the thrill and then one day the cashier asked if I wanted to reload it and

Trump: what are you…a 44? 46? Marco: sir, no. No sir I’m a 3- Trump: You’re gonna love these. They’re lined with fleece. Feels good on the little seam. You know the seam? The ball seam? Right in the middle. Marco: sir, I have underw- Trump: nonsense, we’re gonna get you some

Sorry, boss. Can’t come in tomorrow. FBI’s hearin chatter says eye-ran’s gonna shoot a drone right up my ass.

"We're gonna put an oil tanker up Phil's ass"

hi i’m johnny knoxville and this is stand up paddle boarding the straight of hormuz

“Hi, I’m Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to the Strait of Hormuz.”

“Hi, I’m Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to the Strait of Hormuz.”

Learnt some Skynyrd at practice tonight

I’m developing an Ai chatbot that only calls you “Big Dawg.” He’ll convincingly seem interested in how your fantasy lineup did this week and analyze your communications with other chatbots to talk you out of strapping a bomb to your neighbor’s Pomeranian in order to “ascend.”

Born on this day: James Earl Ray (1928–1998) was an American fugitive who pleaded guilty to assassinating Martin Luther King Jr. in 1968. Captured in London after fleeing the U.S. he later recanted, spending decades pursuing failed appeals until his death in prison

Me, watching Gorillaz on SNL, remembering when that song came out 25 years ago:

Ayy baby ya know I got that uhh, that Pierogi’s disease? The one that makes your dick curve up? Lemme talk to ya

I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure this is how you get 9/11: the sequel

I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure this is how you get 9/11: the sequel

All I know is the absolute worst people America has to offer have wanted war with Iran as long as I’ve been alive so it’s pretty easy for me to be against it.

The fake email job pyramid scheme is collapsing. America’s empire will run solely on the backs of Cracker Barrel waitresses, Twitch streamers, DoorDash drivers and solar panel companies that will be out of business in 8 months.

Me to Paul Newman’s family at the funeral: may his memory be a dressing

Life is what happens between successful bowel movements.

My husband in his group chat:

Me to Paul Newman’s family at the funeral: may his memory be a dressing