I am completely honored that so many people are saying I should have gotten a JFL audition and would have been great on Funny AF. Truly wonderful and I am flattered and have no idea who started these rumors.

This shit is spooky as hell. How do they not see that?

I'm sorry, I didn't realize they got sick after visiting Antartica. We are so fucked. Gonna be googling how to make a flamethrower for the inevitable Thing situation.

Hey man, is it bad if one party gets to play by entirely different rules than the other and can eventually completely eliminate their power? Do we have any historic precedent that tells us what happens next?

whats up youtube! today we're going up to completely random people in nyc, who happen to have microphones attached to them,

A nigh unwatchable mess. It actually feels even worse 10 years later.

all I want is to defeat our shared enemies and salt their fields so their hatred can never bloom again! is that so much to ask?????

I miss twitter! And smoking cigs! And feeling the whole tapestry of my life rolled out before me; an uncharted map, a crisp clean sheet awaiting the whorls and creases of a life spent messily, appallingly, shamelessly in love with possibility… Ooh and Dunkaroos!

*doing a huge Joker gas smile*: "It absolutely rules that people are taking on tons of debt at 29.99% APR. This is good for the economy and people long term. You can tell by this insane smile."

I'm entirely convinced he's doing some comic book villain, reduce the population by killing as many people as possible shit. When this is all said and done, he's gonna have top 10 all time kill numbers, I'm afraid.

Trump take soda.

Probably fine that the technology that they want to run the whole world including the weapons of war needs to be spoken to like it is a "one guard always lies and one guard always tells the truth" situation.

Rudy Giuliani going to heaven where for him every day is 9/11.

Reminder: whenever he does this, it means a bribe has been received.

Harry Enten should be in the stocks in town square for this fucking poll.

Catch more flies with honey I guess.

I forgot that the first 20 minutes of Star Wars is essentially a gay couple on vacation bickering.

I'm not a scientist but if both sides are firing on each other, the ceasefire has failed.

I'm sure downing a handle of vodka daily also doesn't help with his breathing.

Why do the Russians even care what happens to InfoWars? Unless... hold on... HOLD ON

ABC dramas will be called "Cleveland Ambulance" and the promo for the next episode will have 2 EMTs exchanging machine gun fire with the Taliban in Kandahar

I went back to an album I really loved in high school recently and found out there were 3 tracks on it I had never heard because me and my friends all had the same Limewire burned version missing them.

Yeah, this is available on Netflix and it slaps. Incredible script. Incredible cast. Extremely late-90s. Feels like a really cool time capsule now.

storyteller, stand-up, instagram reel sketch comic

I have said for years these sites are being propped up by state actors. No one actually likes these off-putting dweebs. Russia is broke, Iran is busy with other shit, and Hungary isn't pouring money into their coffers anymore and suddenly they can't keep the lights on.

every QAnon influencer, seeing this post: This is it. President Trump is speaking to us directly. The storm is HERE. Trump, posting: that's me in the picture

Actually JustWatch, I'm not curious at all why a child molester wanted to play Spiderman. Feels like this answers itself.

Art of the Deal is when everyone is unhappy

Google Photos: Would you like to see memories from this month 6 years ago? Me: Are you mad at me? Why would you try to do that to me?

First show (and my Off Broadway debut!!!!) was a blast. We got two more shows this weekend, Saturday and Sunday. Tickets at Sohoplayhouse.com. Come be my friiiiiiiiiend.

Oh no, do I have to like this Platner guy now? I never want to accidentally side with a guy who got brain damage that made him conservative.

this is basically vulgar Making Up Guys to Get Mad At but it's a little brain melting for the continual cover-up of the epstein files to be one of the largest news stories of the year at the same time as the shitty michael jackson hagiography breaks box office records

This is easy. I know for a fact I would have died from a childhood illness before 5.

I like how once someone starts working for Trump, their fillers get bigger every time you see them.

I don't want to alarm anybody but my solo show opens TONIGHT at SoHo Playhouse as part of the Lighthouse Series. I'm doing a 25 minute, tightened and more focused version of Forever Young and my wife says it is really good! She would never lie to me! 3 shows this weekend!

It makes me feel truly insane that the president is clearly getting IV treatments for SOMETHING and they won't tell us and no journalist is interested in getting to the bottom of it. What are we even doing?

i've had a rough day time to turn on the loser machine

A new Christopher Nolan epic and a new Menzingers album on the same day? It is aging millennial dude Christmas. www.brooklynvegan.com/the-menzinge...

Yeah to me, 86 meant to cancel an order or cut off someone at the bar. Maybe it is because I have worked a real job and these dudes very much have not?

Withholding my judgment on Trump putting his face on passports until the Times asks 12 complete morons what they think about it

From now on I will only be tweeting "Kiss 47 Gently On the Forehead" to avoid going to prison forever.

Everyone hates us. How do we fix this? What if we just do what we've been doing but harder and louder?

How do you feel about Donald Trump's actions as president so far? [adjacent to an artful and flattering black-and-white sketch of me] Jon, 43, white "I no longer call it the Sun. I call it the Hot Moon. You cannot catch and eat the Hot Moon because it moves too fast because it is late for school."

It better be like the Purge in every way including people raw dogging in the middle of the street.

David Cross is a national treasure. He absolutely annihilated this man with, "now, Bill..."

It is pretty clear this admin wants anyone not adding to shareholder value dead. That includes the disability community and the elderly, two communities you are extremely likely to join someday.

If they already aren't paying taxes, why does this matter at all?

Every cop I've ever met makes almost 100k in overtime alone. They're doing fine. Good lord.

Dude bought those khakis today as you can tell by the sticker and they still don't fit him. Alcoholic man children, the whole lot of them.