i had to give a speech tonight that went over surprisingly well and instead of getting nerves about public speaking I thought of that orson welles quote about shy people and woody allen and just powered through it

Finding it hard to give a shit about the lives of strangers? try this

in the shower looking at the bottle of lavender chamomile extra gentle puppy shampoo next to my bottle of people shampoo

it’s true. graham platner is a worse shot than the guy in pa

people get to make fun of you and your shitty backwards state for voting for a guy with a totenkopf and low sperm count. that’s how it works

i’m the democrats and i’ve been reading all your posts on here about what to do…these are some really good ideas! i’m going to pick some of my favorites and act on them

nasty little country

if you work at one of those outlets that doesn’t need to write anything good to stay in business, you can publish something like “it’s good to eat goose turds off the sidewalk” and half of bluesky will spend an entire day reposting it to say no no no that’s not true

why would you call it smartless. that almost sounds like you’re calling yourself stupid

there’s a sci fi game/expanded universe called Warhammer 40,000 where people called “blanks” have no soul and everyone else reacts to them with an instinctive disgust before they even know what they are. It’s probably the same feeling seeing people on here talk about their Claude prompts

it can’t possibly cost that much to run for city council

this is basically vulgar Making Up Guys to Get Mad At but it's a little brain melting for the continual cover-up of the epstein files to be one of the largest news stories of the year at the same time as the shitty michael jackson hagiography breaks box office records

oil and video games should be more expensive until the economy goes back to horses and real sword fights

lmao these are two separate ads

please…you gotta help me…you gotta put me in this ballroom with big giant window panes on all sides or i’m getting my ticket punched

white people can’t be buddhist. they’re faking it

Democrats could win 2026 elections TODAY by saying “if they build it, in the first week of our majority we will blow it up.” Special nationwide lottery to win the chance to press the ‘blow that shit up’ button will pay for cleanup.

just saw an earthworm so big i almost threw up

what if trump finally got got and all you heard for the rest of your life was ohhh they should have built him that ballroom, it’s because they didn’t let him have his ballroom, he would have thrown the most magnificent galas, etc

your honor I need a ballroom or I’ll die

every time I see a clip of the TMZ tv show where they’re all huddled around laughing and having a good time about doing the work they do, I imagine an elderly person accidentally driving their car straight through it and my brain hits me with a dopamine blast so powerful I can see god waving hello

“Ballroom.” “Ballroom.” “Have you ever been in an institution? Ballroom.” “Ballroom.” “Do they keep you in a ballroom? Ballroom.” “Ballroom.” “When you're not performing your duties do they keep you in a little box? Ballroom.” “Ballroom.”

Even in terms of pure rhetoric I think the story of the year is that ordinary people--many of whom weren't previously very politically engaged--are furious, while professional politicians very much aren't. Just listen to basically anyone who lives in Minneapolis for 5 minutes

sometimes when i’m running i subconsciously regulate my breathing by mouthing a song chorus like a military cadence and this one unfortunately has taken up residence

centrists have no program, nothing to fall back on. they pinned all their hopes and dreams to America and its institutions and now that the center has fully collapsed, all faith is gone, and the American empire is on its deathbed, all that’s left is to lash out (albeit very poorly)

why don’t they just have the president do active shooter drills. so easy even a five year old could do it

grotesque. they murdered and terrorized your citizens just months ago, these were international stories. and they’re still at it! but sure, go hobnob with the nazis. you’re very cool.

i was getting the dogs some new toys at the store yesterday and the aisle across had a bunch of diapers called “splashers” that are apparently for swimming but for a moment I thought pampers was just daring people to have at it. just put them on and let loose

Steve Kerr spot on as usual

if you match with women on dating apps and then immediately log on to bluesky to share their name and photos and what they presumably thought were personal conversations with thousands of strangers…if you do that and they ghost you? that’s on them

well i was self isolating at home with my (innoculated) pod. while she was at the massive public nazi event with a bunch of anti-vaxxers. so its kind of confusing that im the one who needs reminding that vulnerable people exist. actually it almost seems like im normal and she's psycho??

everything else aside I got tickets to the cbb tour and am pretty excited about it. also i don’t want to make a separate post for this but since I have space: imagine what kind of crowds they got for the opening night showing of the michael jackson movie. probably had to burn the seats after

jia tolentino climbs out of her parents pile of stolen passports to do some “ironic” op-ed about theft and now this, let me paint in peace

👇 blocked me after her pill-popping employee publicly called for me and others to be murdered, continued to employ said pill-popper

i have found the missing orks. thank you to everyone who sent messages of support, explicit photos, and death threats

I have a sprue of 10 ork boyz that only has the nob on it and have no idea where the other nine are

this is like pointing to a random egg account on twitter and saying they’re representative of any trend on there. except you don’t have to single out anyone because it’s already the world’s biggest csam and revenge porn app

hm what’s a good way to get a permanent guarantee donald trump won’t attack iran again

it’s so annoying bluesky completely slept on a congressman’s kid openly posting about vandalizing flower gardens to make himself the world’s shittiest bouquets. just constantly whiffing on the biggest freaks on here to argue about the same five or six topics instead

while everyone is ragging on the nyt for the umpteenth time it’s important to also stress no one gives a shit about your wordle score. why would you think otherwise

i have a funny true story about obama buying my friend a pair of shoes but if i posted about it people would be like “funny story. i bet the people he droned would have laughed.” and it would bring the mood down. it was pretty good though, and real

why did this do numbers yet my delicious afternoon treats struggle to break triple digits

Kolanovic.

is the point of cookie popups to make everyone hate data privacy laws

i would love to be some kind of animal that eats grub type bugs. a frog or a bird that can see a big fat grub or caterpillar and is like “hell yeah let’s eat”

mass casualty incident

what if cujo was about an old dying dog just lying there constantly shitting itself while everyone’s still too afraid to get out of the car

hot dogs annual salary