clicking and dragging a photo of larry summers over a photo of a woodchipper while the bluesky mods stand outside pounding on the windows like dustin hoffman

god is a woman

masterful plan by benny to convince critics he’s interested in underage girls

thinking how nice it would be to pull a clean, crisp one hundred dollar bill from a bucket right now

i got cereal at the grocery store and they really haven’t made a box that fits well in a plastic bag and i thought “what if they sold cereal in cardboard balls.” but then they’d be rolling off the shelves. imagine the chaos. I’d use paper bags but the handles on them always tear. that’s life I guess

i’ll be a dead motherfucker before i ever eat a blue taki

when people talk about internet history disappearing they’re specifically referring to the fact that roughly a dozen people remember a guy adopted a persona called “the brooklyn beeyotch” who loved their kind pimp

a distraught donald trump has commandeered a tanker truck carrying 11,000 gallons of gasoline and is currently leading police on a high speed chase down I-295

i’m so tired of these bears talking about their hole

super death penalty: a national referendum with no age limit and anyone can be nominated regardless of whether or not they committed a crime. if you “win” the vote three years in a row they bring you to a random registered voter’s house and they have to put you down. this ensures fairness

project 2029 should just be a sheet of paper that says “super death penalty”

accusing donald trump of being gay with putin: boorish, tinged with homophobia saying donald trump sucked bill clinton off: ok to find funny as it actually happened

there are a lot of dumb rhodes scholars when you actually look them up and pete buttigieg is one of them. it’s less impressive than earning free pizza hut for reading enough books

i've been thinking about this for the last week and a half

donald trump has been found unresponsive next to a bottle of flintstones chewables

Hello Charlie, it’s Jesus from the app. your dead grandma you never knew told me it looks like rawdogging it with the old lady has finally caught up to you. we were listening the whole time in your phone Charlie

hello Charlie, it’s your dead grandma in the app. i heard you knocked up your wife. they stopped updating this app 30 years ago

Red letter day on The Outfit: FINALLY, I get to return to the auld sod of Dublin, for a story worthy of my mother country: that of Martin "The General" Cahill, whose colorful life of heists, pigeons, polygamy, & crucifying underlings echoes Ireland's dark history: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/m...

they’re saying on the news goku is sick. they’re saying he ate a box of sunmaid raisins and they’re poison for him like for dogs. the camera cut to the weatherman for the forecast and he can’t keep it together. everyone in this town loves goku

“i’m helping!”

i fuckin wish

as a current new york times employee or former one who was supposed to be covering all of this, let me just say some of you should absolutely trust me when I say there’s no funny business going on with the epstein documents. what reason would I have to say otherwise

how about koko’s basilisk and its everyone pretending a gorilla can actually use sign language because they’re afraid it will hit them

oh my god…

what’s opening night look like for the michael jackson movie. who would you see if you peeked in there. i’ll tell you who you won’t see: jeffrey epstein. while he is also a pedophile, he was killed years ago in a cover-up by other pedophiles, and will be unable to see pedophile coverup: the movie

i’m walking to lunch and there’s a lot of people walking around weird, like ps1 animations. sound off in someone else’s mentions if you saw someone who looked like they forgot how to walk today

i’ve said this before and i remain convinced it’s true, the 2028 platform that would deliver obama 08 results is “i am gonna bring the hammer down on the corrupt self-dealing politicians and their rich friends and there are no sacred cows id give a pass”

Today I learned there are people who think cities are just big office buildings lol

lyft driver has their music at the lowest possible volume and i can still make it out. i know this song like the back of my hand. why, you ask?

this is what they heard when they dug a hole to hell in siberia

From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Please watch, it's been out since 1994 —Original Msg— From: [email protected] To: [email protected] I'm busy being a pedophile with Donald Trump —Original Msg— From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Have you seen The Mask

Tiny Walgreens. Smallgreens.

big walgreens. Mallgreens

jeb bush’s comms director and obama’s eighth best speechwriter snickering in between union busting disputes

this is the internal monologue of anyone older than me

the timeline is a downer today so I will update everyone with some good news: this morning I beat the devil to death with a pipe

lol at the replies saying it must be a russian bot farm stirring up resentment. have you ever lived in a city where they tried to expand public transportation to a Nice Part of Town

mr. president sir, we have a situation. pennywise the clown has gone awol in santiago. we believe he may be going after local children in the area. oh, not like that mr. president. rest assured you are still america’s most dangerous pedophile

how aren’t they just run out of town

my fellow americans this is former president and avowed homosexual bill clinton, reaching out with a casual reminder that I’ve always been into dudes. it was an honor to be your gay president

I do not think we need a strong child-molesting party

oi. oi mate. the presidents a nonce

Larry Summers had an "insight" in an email to Epstein.

i walked by walgreens today and there was a security guard just leaning on a railing staring at the candy aisle where all the candy was locked up and when i came back from lunch he was still standing there just staring at locked up candy. just a depressingly weird store I don’t go into anymore

when new yorkers all experience something on social media it's like a rat that got ahold of a brazil nut. when upper midwesterners all experience something on social media it's a breathtaking dance of radiant light and color across the entire night sky

i can’t see anything outside. if you’re seeing people post photos of the lights it’s probably AI

when I was a kid I spent my book fair money on a judy blume book bundle because I loved tales of a fourth grade nothing and not long after that I was trying to flush another book down the toilet because I thought I’d get in trouble for learning about periods

I think I would like to become a psychopomp. the word sounds like something that might be bad or scary if you’re not familiar with it, but they’re often actually very helpful. Jesus could be considered a psychopomp, as are many birds