EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: “I was literally begging the agent who was holding me back to let me do CPR,” she told The Intercept.

The time has come. Texting my niece & asking if she’s ready to start LadiesMFAO with me

I love public art installations

hey bozo, you're going to have to postdate your checks so your ass can sign them from next week after i kick it to there!!!

9 out of 10 doctors recommend seeing a specific clown to that clown out of costume like they don't know its the same guy

i type lol a lot because i am laughing of lot

Recipe: The Brown Apple Prep Time: 0 minutes ⏲️ Ingredients: • 1 potato

When dogs get excited about me putting on a hat or sunglasses that’s not because it means we’re going outside, it’s that I look cool. They are fangirling.

if you like cyberpunk body horror & govt deregulation dystopias check out this story oh shit its real nvm www.reuters.com/investigatio...

that's it!

bringing my favorite super bowl twitter over

i love watching the Super List of Diseases and Drug Side Effects, but i hate it when they interrupt the list to show a game

an alien tried to abduct me but it didn't take. i'm too damn normal

i hate it when my flank is exposed to my enemies

I infiltrated Area 52 but your thing is cool too. pretend i posted this way back when people were running around over there. got their ass

AHHHHHHH!

just glimpsed the True Order of Things. im not supposed to see any of that.

Some cool design and decoration choices at our Airbnb

darth vader was in a fucked up little hat and nobody explained it. he just got like that after a while i guess.

this is what it sounds like when i am reading the news headlines of the day

got some parmesan cheese they must have messed up at the factory. absolutely below par. the cheese guy needs to go back and practice.

i hate it when my blood comes out. i need that stuff

Hatred... how unscientific... — The Scientific Lover

I typically have a hard time telling the Downy Woodpeckers apart, but this lovely one has very big white stripes on her noggin so she's easy to pick out.

🚨 I've obtained a list of secret watchlists the Department of Homeland Security uses to keep tabs on American citizens www.kenklippenstein.com/p/ices-secre...

in the middle of my trolley problem running over so many people theyre jostling my trolley & screamin. yet im an asshole for shushing them?!

trying to resist urge to reply savagely to people who must be going to X to capture and share evil irrelevant freak screenshots

Man shot by federal agent in south Minneapolis www.startribune.com/ice-raids-mi...

let's ahhhhh uhhhhh hnnngh (visibly straining not to say something) have a nice weekend 😃

havent posted anything funny in a while on account of the siege and general malaise but i am targeting a funny post in Q2 2026

🚨 ICE is creating a watchlist of anyone and everyone who films them, DHS sources tell me: www.kenklippenstein.com/p/ice-making...

(movie voice) In 2026, being regular is suppressed. "Normals" are hunted in the street because their town was mentioned on RacismApp.

"We have a nice little database. Now you're considered a domestic terrorist." www.reddit.com/r/Maine/comm...

When bro says something chickadeephobic

minions fell off!

i am mobilizing support for several frivolous wars in the name of our most famous dipshit game show host

americans, the rest of the world hates us. we have nothing to lose. let's take over The Earth. i will lead all this from my posting computer

the people are crying out for blood. respectfully.

(sees someone defending the most wasted evil loser politician ever) I can convince this guy to believe something normal through reply posts.

even if someone annoying dies people will start angrily sharing updates about their annoying associates way more. need to destroy my phone

meticulously winding down before bed and then becoming wired as if intervened upon by evil forces

i had a false memory of a cucumber being in the fridge. i am rapidly losing my grip on reality.

i would just use the same end of the broom on everything. therefore, this cow is smarter than me

replace rfk jr with this guy

sending troops into a new city to be annoying every time the news stops talking about me

i had a dream they served pizza at a popular chain fast food restaurant. or perhaps, a nightmare

imagine a world where you could view pleasant posts and then go to sleep. wow. a bright future if only we imagined it.