if you're thinking about doing some errands, i strongly recommend against the fool's variety.

Hey uh what's the name of your restaurant dude

sandwiches and cereal should cut your mouth every time. each day should be a march of pain.

One of the "Great Four" masters of haiku, Kobayashi Issa, on losing his wife and all his children: outliving them outliving them all ah! the cold... Reddit user /u/haikubot, reformatting a quoted post in /r/starbucks, with 2.1k updoots: store downtown using pondwater for ice gave me giardia bad

(completely humiliating myself and ruining everything) alright, let's wind this thing down

skills lowkey suck to acquire

Ebenezer Scrooge was pretty cool I guess, until he went WOKE!

Losing my shit over Joe Pesci's tiny little arms in this Netflix thumbnail

if i successfully utilize this implement i will go mad with power

Custom airbrush van art of a denim-clad warrior gripping the pump in his white-knuckled fist, licked all over by flames of dark baleful energy, his head thrown back and face contorted in agony

maybe instead of sleep the whole night i'll remember some people who died long ago. sounds like an awesome plan 👍

in 2016 a group of strangers in Kazakhstan saved a dog from drowning by forming a human chain to reach him. they just unveiled a statue commemorating the event and I'm genuinely about to start sobbing

Naming my dog Who so that it will win the dog park. Who's a good boy. Thank you for validating my dog sir. He loves it.

im updating the classic "whole foods? i call it whole paycheck" joke: it now applies to every grocery store.

The computer should have a remote so you can turn it off from across the room, or through your neighbor you hate's window.

When the gong gets tough the gong goes boing

The official vote is in from West Pacific Fishery Council. Every single Pacific National Monument will be opened to commercial fishing. Longlines in Papahānaumokuākea All fishing gear in Rose Atoll The entire Marianas Trench reserve gone 1M+ square miles, >80% of US protected waters abolished

☝️😀 Pizza should be yummy. And ice cream should be yummy! And sandwich and doughnut and taco should be yummy! Chips should be yummy. Coffee should be yummy. Spaghetti, soft drink and beer should be oh so yummy too. And any other God damn food you care to name – it should be, simply, yummy. ✊🥹

GUY EXPERIENCING A SERIES OF UNENDING LOSSES: Oh well. Can't win 'em all.

(noticing a spelling error) whatecer.

Someone was trying to take a portrait of their two fave Chickens, and this happened.

i dont want anyone to impersonate me. if they did a good job i'd have to kill them. and if they did a bad job.

Happy polio vaccine announcement anniversary. "There is no patent. Could you patent the sun?" remains one of the hardest remarks of all time. Kind of quote every child should be taught

Honk if you're honking

if you can read this you're honking

keep honking im rehonking my other car is honking my child is a honking student baby on honking

if you can't survive my hurricane of punches and kicks raining down upon you in a duel, it's not for you. you have no standing to criticize.

caulking my car and driving it into the ocean to cross

phwoar bloody mental innit!

if a post goes viral it should be considered as shot down in enemy territory

when all you have is a circular saw all your problems begin to look solvable by clamping them down and running the saw over them

i have been thinking about circular saws for approximately 12 hours straight which i believe will make me healthier and safer than ever

pause

"[O]ver 5 million metric tons of carbon dioxide." "The first two weeks of the U.S. and Israel's war on Iran released a deluge of carbon emissions equivalent to the combined yearly climate warming pollution output of the lowest 84 emitters." #Iran #USA #Israel #Climate #Military #FossilFuels

waking up into my customary morning scream

if your sheets didnt dry all the way and you didnt realize til after putting them on just pretend you are camping. ahhh the great outdoors!

securing the perimeter used to be cool...

meme archives are the new oldies stations

Steve: did u guys get a good pic of me Dave: ya dont worry Steve: which pic did u use Mark: dont worry about it

the human body was not designed to know what the worst person in the world is doing every fifteen minutes

making #coffee

I'm Masuke, 17 years old. I went for a brisk walk again this morning. He was m^_^ままoving at a pace I couldn't keep up with...

Guy who solves the lament configuration and is instantly transported to the damn pump

feeling dread. but in approximately one day i will be feeling tgif. until the regime saves its market shaking war crimes for friday night