TRUMP (an idiot): (draws bad map for stupid idiots) RFK (an idiot): (not in the room to see it happen) (was behind the white house dumpster fucking an overflowing hefty bag of sun-warmed trash) (the map thing also never happened)

The No Kings protests do NOTHING but ruin the day of me, the guy trying to take a private shower in a functioning bathtub in the middle of town square. I am sudsy in one of those dorky hair caps peeking out past the curtain and shrieking. I am yanking the shower curtain all over to cover myself.

Leftists can cope all they want, but this is the perfect haircut for when someone finds you facedown on the floor unmoving

Whoa. I had little interest in "The Devil Wears Prada 2" until I heard that Anne Hathaway showed up with no warning on set with a brand new fullface tattoo that said "BURNING TURDCUTTER" and they had no choice but to work it into the script. That'll be quite an image problem for "Runway" magazine!

DOCTOR: What these results show is that you've never experienced insight, reflection, or interiority in your entire life. You can have no deeper thoughts than recognizing whatever you are looking at in any moment, or survival instincts like hunger for food. You are like a lizard, or a frog. ME: Woow

my man looks like he just ate the vacuum bags ass. you cant show this to me on a friday night.

Man Feeling Good

KASH PATEL: Xvideos username... let's see... let's see... Well, first, what do girls like? Oh, "spider". But then how will they know it's me? Oh, "KashyapPramodPatel_SSN_782-66-1109"

WONDERFUL! My brain condensed into a perfect, fist sized, princess cut diamond that I crapped out of an anus in my forehead.

my man looks like he just ate the vacuum bags ass. you cant show this to me on a friday night.

Just hired the Three Stooges to move my priceless antique vase collection. Suffice it to say, it did not go well. I ended up screaming "You're so fucking fired! Fuck you!!!!!!!!!"

ME: I brought you here in my time machine to answer questions about the future YOU inspired. EMILY DICKINSON: What Miracle this— Say, has Man found the Union of Soul and Works? WALT WHITMAN: Do American Voices yet dance and spin and sparkle and growl? ALLEN GINSBERG: Can the machine fit up my ass

ME: Why did Dracula go to the baseball game? ME: Because he wanted to see the bats. 🙂 WARDEN: Maybe the worst choice of last words I've ever heard. Ok, he's ready. Throw the switch. ME: (does not die no matter how high they crank the voltage, but does feel exponentially increasing amount of pain)

WONDERFUL! My brain condensed into a perfect, fist sized, princess cut diamond that I crapped out of an anus in my forehead.

My class in the community center stairwell offering lessons in erotic silk scarf dancing has been cancelled due to another tripping incident from having my vision obscured by dozens of fluttering scarves.

J. JONAH JAMESON: 𝗣𝗔𝗥𝗞𝗘𝗥!! Get in here!! I need you to break into my home while I'm alone and photograph me bathing! I'll be nude and defenseless. It's all arranged and consensual. I want photos of me enjoying my older body. And oh… PETER: (spidey sense goes crazy) JJJ: You're not getting paid.

ME: I brought you here in my time machine to answer questions about the future YOU inspired. EMILY DICKINSON: What Miracle this— Say, has Man found the Union of Soul and Works? WALT WHITMAN: Do American Voices yet dance and spin and sparkle and growl? ALLEN GINSBERG: Can the machine fit up my ass

J. JONAH JAMESON: 𝗣𝗔𝗥𝗞𝗘𝗥!! Get in here!! I need you to break into my home while I'm alone and photograph me bathing! I'll be nude and defenseless. It's all arranged and consensual. I want photos of me enjoying my older body. And oh… PETER: (spidey sense goes crazy) JJJ: You're not getting paid.

It's hard enough on my relationship with my chimpanzee wife that I'm being cancelled at work over our problematic age gap. But now, whenever I try to put on a brave face at home and smile through the pain, she sees it as a sign of aggression and starts wrenching at my limbs to pull them clean off.

I'm not on the dating apps, but I just got a cold email from a "personal marriage recruiter" working for "the widow Kirk" that asked if I had "the equipment of consummation" and was willing to meet her. Apparently I showed up in an AI search for hateful seeming men with an "earthworm phrenology".

People get all over Gottfried Leibniz's dick for figuring out we live in the best of all possible worlds through 500 pages of pure theological reasoning but like. Okay? Big whoop. I figured it out independently, three minutes into any podcast appearance by Lisa Gilroy.

harry potter helps people like me, people who have always felt a little different. a little special. maybe a little better than everyone else

Gavin only downloaded it because he thought it was an app for grinding up the homeless

WISE KING SOLOMON: Only one answer is fair to both mothers. Cut the baby in half; they may each keep one. ME, WAY WISER KING: You simple fool. That would kill the child. Instead, cut off extremities until an equal weight exists in a pile, and one mother can raise the baby parts pile as her own.

(guy realizing his hand makes the shadow of a rabbit on the wall and he can wiggle his fingers to move the ears) Holy SHIT. Hollywood is so fucking done.

The music and visuals on the opening credits for the ER are trying really hard to make the show be a Metroid Prime game instead. But that's okay. I'm trying really hard to be a Metroid Prime game too.

Fine. I'll wade into the Harry Potter discourse: I don't think the books exist. I think it's one mega mandela effect. But I do think hagrid is real. But he died in a drink-driving motorcycle collision without a helmet on in the big Tottenham roundabout turning off towards Walthamstow in 2014.

Post a non-religious picture you think of as holy

I've held my tongue on this but I see lots of unexamined privilege involved when people make fun of John Fetterman. It's hard for me to join in laughing at him when my own story shares many commonalities with his. For example, we are both proudly the first person in our families to use simple tools.

getting my shit absolutely rocked by gene rayburn

putting aside him slobbering over big muscly ice agents, he is impressed by… them being able to pick up a carry on item. or pull wheelie luggage. the thing every grandma on a flight to see her grandkids was already successfully doing herself. he's impressed they can deadlift a discarded dunkins cup.

It was a tradition growing up to line up overnight for each new Harry Potter book. And another thing that happened every year was I got pink eye from touching my face after picking up a piece of dog crap bare handed. I did them both at the same midnight release event every year, at Barnes and Noble.

🪄 OFFICIAL TEASER TRAILER 🪄 Ten points to Gryffindor! Catch the "Harry Potter" Max Original series premiere, coming January 2027. Starring: Dominic McLaughlin as Harry Potter Alastair Stout as Ron Weasley Arabella Stanton as Hermione Granger and John Lithgow as Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore

The computer should have a remote so you can turn it off from across the room, or through your neighbor you hate's window.

The Harry Potter books were very special to me because I felt like I grew up alongside Harry Potter. And until I read those books,I didn't know about spells, but now, I can wiggle my little stick around and say spells out loud at work. They changed my life forever. And I am 55 years... YOUNG

If I was a background extra with no lines on a TV show, it would be cool if I made up a name for my guy like Glorious Underarmor. And if there was a scene where I roundhouse kicked a bullet out of the air right before it hit my brain. And then the main characters all quit or die so I can take over.

ME: You look wonderful tonight! Who are you wearing? MELANIA: When I was girl, we lived near pig farm. I loved to walk there. And all day watch them kill animals, who look like you. ME: Thank you for taking my question. ☺️

The star wars character Yoda has died of eating too hot a pepper on a dare. His face immediately went tomato red and he started saying shit like "dying I am". Steam came out of his stupid shaped ears. The goblin was 38 years old.

🪄 OFFICIAL TEASER TRAILER 🪄 Ten points to Gryffindor! Catch the "Harry Potter" Max Original series premiere, coming January 2027. Starring: Dominic McLaughlin as Harry Potter Alastair Stout as Ron Weasley Arabella Stanton as Hermione Granger and John Lithgow as Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore

Sad news for OpenAI customers as it has closed the Sora app and euthanized the top 1000 users, who Sam Altman will eat raw slivers of like human sashimi. "What this community made together mattered, and your refrigerated remains are delicious," he says in a written statement.

Finally had the long-awaited, tearful discussion with my wife that I am leaving her for one of my followers. Now all that's left is to pick one of you.

The star wars character Yoda has died of eating too hot a pepper on a dare. His face immediately went tomato red and he started saying shit like "dying I am". Steam came out of his stupid shaped ears. The goblin was 38 years old.

burped up a piece of crap at work

Just witnessed a scary incident traveling through Hartsfield-Jackson. A non-white was boarding a plane, but nearby federal agents wearing a bunch of clearance rack clothes from Sears were able to calm me by wearing cargo shorts stuffed with tactical gatorades and playing subway surfers ogrely.

Sometimes, an old post starts getting a lot of likes without anyone quoting or reposting it. Wondering where all those people found it is mysterious and exhilarating, but a little scary. Like finding a hole drilled through your shower wall and someone's tongue starts squeezing through.

The scene from The Mandalorian and Grogu just leaked where they dunk the baby through a basketball hoop and make a big wet splat. And. JAbba the hutt is there I suppose. Not sure what other details would convince you.

today's a banner day for elected democrats being like "we need TSA security theater, NOT ICE security theater!" "we need a strong DHS, NOT markwayne who can't even help us secure the border!" "we can't afford to let trump FORCE us to swallow cyanide, we want to CHOOSE to swallow deadly strychnine!"

I think this clinches it: he's running.

Sen. Markwayne Mullin has died of taking a standardized third grade reading level test. He is expected to be replaced at the Department of Homeland Security by two stray dogs humping.

The scene from The Mandalorian and Grogu just leaked where they dunk the baby through a basketball hoop and make a big wet splat. And. JAbba the hutt is there I suppose. Not sure what other details would convince you.