POPE LEO: Christ the King of Peace would renounce any and all gestures of war, division, and inequality. Our neighbor is as divine in God's eyes as any one of us, and we must treat him with Love accordingly. POPE FRANCIS: (in hell) *invents a new slur so nasty the devil pukes*

We all have days like this

I'm excited to share I will be playing a patient on The Pitt for season three. It takes place on Boxing Day (US, not observed) and I have an endless piece of tinsel they pull out of my urethra like a magician's scarf. It is unsimulated full frontal nudity and I am still waiting on my $75 check.

DR. ROBBY: This has to be some kind of prank. Your medical chart says that you have omega level mutant powers. Energy manipulation, teleportation, a healing factor stronger than Wolverine's... DR. AL-HASHIMI: (voice inside his head) Yes. It is completely badass.

Feature Request: I should be able to access posts during an outage if I scream "NO" loud enough

100% parent turnout at the emergency school meeting to respond to reports our kid's class pet turtle "gave live birth" during a science demonstration (it didn't) and that the teacher circled a laser pointer around "the turtle pussy" (she did).

Everyone stop making fun of Bluesky failing "because it's vibe coded". It's failing because I chewed through a power cable and all the meat on my bones blew apart like a grenade was going off, fully cooked.

Bluesky went down earlier when the FBI raided a server farm, but service was restored and no evidence collected, given the warrant only covered good posts.

A woman at the store was buying Oreos. I amble up, put the little divider on the conveyor belt, and place my own purchase: also Oreos. 𝘋𝘰𝘶𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘧. She walks straight past the cashier and out of the store, abandons her purchase. The store manager comes out of his office, nods with approval.

This isn't funny

Bluesky went down earlier when the FBI raided a server farm, but service was restored and no evidence collected, given the warrant only covered good posts.

A woman at the store was buying Oreos. I amble up, put the little divider on the conveyor belt, and place my own purchase: also Oreos. 𝘋𝘰𝘶𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘧. She walks straight past the cashier and out of the store, abandons her purchase. The store manager comes out of his office, nods with approval.

Frank Sinatra Stung by Thousands of Bees Live at Caesars Atlantic City (LP, 1981)

zapping my political opponent with a painful shriveling ray so I can hit em in the debate with a "How can we trust anything my opponent says when his once youthful face is now withered so?"

The insane guy who stands outside on the corner near the credit union whirling a big length of chain around smacked himself in the face today and whipped out all his teeth. And how did I witness this? What was my perspective in this story? I will leave you to your cruel jibes and assumptions.

No prob 😀👍

I was invited to try out for a new local staging of Ugly Men Tumbling Down The Stairs and I had to sadly decline. It's not that I think I'm a looker by any means, but I still have radial nerve damage from how often my arms were broken in many places during last year's production.

Oh my god. Oh my god babe. I'm on cnn․com and (checks door is closed so kids can't hear) the minions died.

(barely reading today's discourse) WOw JD Vance is hospitalized for having perfect beautiful bones. I always knew from looking at his big brown melon.

MIKE D: Cranial hemorrhage means we got a brain EVERY BEASTIE BOY: BLAND MIKE D: It impairs cognition of the words we EVERY BEASTIE BOY: LUNG

come after the whackers, no surprise when you get whacked. be real.

YOU: erotically ties knot in cherry stem using only your tongue ME: sticks yukon gold potato up my ass and it pops straight back out peeled and boiled

I was the first person to do the "implies" joke online. I posted "Megan Mullaly implies the existence of Minin Mullaly" on a Will & Grace fan forum in Feb 2001 and enforcers from the NBC legal team said "every time you open your hole we'll give you a new one". They put a power drill through my foot.

MIKE D: Cranial hemorrhage means we got a brain EVERY BEASTIE BOY: BLAND MIKE D: It impairs cognition of the words we EVERY BEASTIE BOY: LUNG

I was the first person to do the "implies" joke online. I posted "Megan Mullaly implies the existence of Minin Mullaly" on a Will & Grace fan forum in Feb 2001 and enforcers from the NBC legal team said "every time you open your hole we'll give you a new one". They put a power drill through my foot.

(as a donkey walks by) ah the noble donkey! (donkey moves out of earshot) foolish beast

Hercule Poirot is in the public domain. There's no reason not to have a movie every year starring Paul F Tompkins.

Great read, highly recommend.

LEARN THE SIGNS! A friend will: give you a great big smile ☺️ An enemy will: fling a throwing knife at your head with the intent to kill 🗡️

Great read, highly recommend.

Check out the movie. "Michael".

The rules of the road are simple: if you are a pedestrian, and I am gunning toward you at 95 mph, bend over at 45 degrees so I can use your back as a ramp for a sick jump. Otherwise, what happens to you is out of my hands.

This is what plays when you finally unlock Hookah Lounge in Blue Prince

Trump is such a pedophile the catholic church is scoring points off him. Levels of embarrassment that could kill an elephant.

Me (39M) looking to euthanize my ailing dog in your house. We will show up, lay out a big blanket in your living room during your family TV time, and a vet will do it. The dog and I will split his fav food (huge bean burrito), you will share a few words, and he will die in my arms. I *cannot* host.

My two sons are hiding on the runway shooting their potato guns at planes and one of them just made a jet engine explode

A dear friend sent me a birthday card and when I opened it, the contents were replaced with the bluesky profile picture of Hillary Clinton. This didn't happen in real life, but there's nothing stopping you from bringing this wonderful dream to reality, just for me.

Check out the movie. "Michael".

guy who went psychotic over his "ai girlfriend" but he's just been trying to nonstop rizz up the google result overview

Me (39M) looking to euthanize my ailing dog in your house. We will show up, lay out a big blanket in your living room during your family TV time, and a vet will do it. The dog and I will split his fav food (huge bean burrito), you will share a few words, and he will die in my arms. I *cannot* host.

The rules of the road are simple: if you are a pedestrian, and I am gunning toward you at 95 mph, bend over at 45 degrees so I can use your back as a ramp for a sick jump. Otherwise, what happens to you is out of my hands.

Vietnamese rules because if you know they use the same alphabet as English you're like "that should be easier for me to pronounce". And then you see the words and they're like: ôh ỷợư thĩnk sồ đụmb ằss??

I'm livestreaming my taxes and chat keeps repeating my pockets are "mothpilled". My outfit is "barrelmaxxing". I hate these insolent youths.

I think it’s funny SNL does a party every week after the show. None of you earned this you just went to work for a week

Much wisdom that was long thought lost is now found 👇

The Artemis II mission concluded with a successful splashdown and all astronauts recovered... as well as an emaciated rescued Gayle King. "What came back with Katy Perry wasn't me," she rasped. "You have to kill it, for all of Earth. Kill everyone it's touched."

I miss the days when presidential scandals were just that Obama wore panties to a press conference that said JUICY on the back even though we could all see his ass was long and lifeless.

I have great news. I was just hired by Kamala Harris to ghostwrite her next book: 942 Days.