The white house just issued a statement that its no longer safe to sleep in our beds if they are 2 feet or higher off the ground. "You could fall off it and die like are president just did tonight" the statement reads

obviously i don't disagree that it's completely depraved but no actually i do not think one violent death is the most depraved thing they've done? there have been literally 100s of violent deaths of innocent people. millions of easily preventable starvations/illnesses. imprison them all forever.

Your one-time authentication code is: 049917. Do NOT share this code with anyone or we will send a weird looking man with wet hair to kill you in bed.

Just received news that season two of "Pluribus" will be renamed to "Pussyburps". It's a terrible idea, if you ask me, and it's also disgusting to boot. It really turns my stomach to know a show like "Pussyburps" can make it on the air.

anyone who says "citizen" in their coverage is a quisling

poets.org/2020-on-lear... she was a good poet and you know she was the actual real deal when she's hitting em with that yusef komunyakaa ampersand

KEFKA: Life, dreams, hope, where do they come from? And where are they headed? These things... I am going to destroy! Weehohohohohoho! MEDIA: Clown emperor outlines daring new vision for second year

anyone who says "citizen" in their coverage is a quisling

here's this vintage jeopardy clip with ken jennings

I know there’s a lot of bad shit going down right now but unfortunately I do have to go Jester Mode or risk losing my mind

Every day I type a post into the little post writing box here and then I erase it. Then I see more news and I type it again and erase it. I wish I could tell you what it was, but here's the great news... you already know!

"it's bad" HOW ABOUT TAKE ME INSTEAD OF MADURO. Big surprise. I don't see any of you coming forth to DOJ on here and offering yourself in exchange for Venezuela's rightful ruler. "Oh my Steam Catalogue. I have to feed Mr Banana Bun. Naimoshen Tzen II has new episodes coming out" FUCK YOU! Step up!

Catching up on Pixar movies I've missed and just saw Planes for the first time. The plot is that all the planes have contracted liver cancer. Why does cancer exist in this world and why do the planes have organs. Why would anyone wish such a curse on these wonderful planes.

reporter: donald trump has announced that americans must evolve into a race of hardy metal men via mandated injections of liquid mercury. your response? klobuchar: *visibly straining to remember line consultants came up with* donkey kong donald’s economic policies are “bananas” for small business

Your one-time authentication code is: 049917. Do NOT share this code with anyone or we will send a weird looking man with wet hair to kill you in bed.

I like checking out the What's Hot feed once or twice a day to get an insight into what's most pressing on everyone's minds in headline news today, and sometimes that thing is "A random person is taking a mental health break from bluesky" or "Check out this uncircumcised dragon with banging titties"

Glamping took a sour turn after I gloileted inside the tent.

it should be legal to eat any child you can catch

people shouldn't laugh as loud as they do when two nude man collide at top speed on their segways

British food whips if for no other reason than every dish is named shit like "nanny buggers the queen" when it's just half a hard boiled egg white

Donald Trump, on your essay "How I Will Start WWIII Right Now And Kill You", I unfortunately have to take the strongest disciplinary action that I can: giving you an A-.

Turns out my friend Helium Man was faking the whole time. I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt by vouching for his unconvincing falsetto.

Donald Trump has slowly closed his eyes for the last time. He is sleeping an eternal sleep now. Finally, our friend is at peace.

five years ago?? madame secretary, with all due respect, why are you only telling us NOW

this would be so much fun to storm

Hey man! It's Mike! Remember? I was a guest on your podcast, talking about how single men can unethically source placental waste? You banned me from a second appearance right away? Your contact at BetterHelp killed herself in the middle of my ad read? Huh. Maybe I've confused you for someone else.

2026 is already shaping up to be a great time to visit my "Glue House" and become ensnared in strange glues.

just got to do this!! 💙❄️💙

Meet Cute [1/3]

They just announced a new Disney+ show about all the different Star Wars turds. Every Star wars race has its own special type of turd and this show finally goes into all the details. Like you would think Jawas have a small hard turd, but no. It's a different turd entirely.

The Ruthkanda kid has evaded capture and should not be approached by anyone unarmed

2026 is already shaping up to be a great time to visit my "Glue House" and become ensnared in strange glues.

Sit tight. Robert Mueller has just been deployed via hang glider over Caracas.

winter is the best month because the world's only remaining joy is skidding through a stop sign and hoping you bump over all the pedestrians like bowling pins

I'm glad trans women have The Matrix, but I do miss when it was just a bad thing for stupid boys. We need things of our own, too, or else we will find more time for trying out power tools on the dining room walls.

I have a cousin I barely know who I've assumed for the last thirty years from the way he carries himself was gay until I recently met his wife and I realized he isn't gay he's just tall

I'm the #3 personal injury attorney in the city, and I'm the ONLY one who will show up to court shirtless for YOU

These might be the most important youtube captions in history

My new years resolution to become the world's dog stupidest most violent ugly dying pedophile is already facing some tough competition. Can't say more!

My slogan t-shirt that says "You Ever Been Dicked By A Man With A Permanently Wet Face?" is missing. Please help me find it, this is a one of a kind collectors item. It was a Christmas present to myself.

Everyone screamed when the coffin rolled over and spilled out the corpse at the funeral of Crazy Frog, but I won't lie... I was incredibly comforted to be able to see his penis one last time.

The final teaser trailer for Avengers: Doomsday has premiered in front of screenings of Marty Supreme and features Ant-Man and the Wasp flying up Timothee Chalamet's naked ass.

Everyone screamed when the coffin rolled over and spilled out the corpse at the funeral of Crazy Frog, but I won't lie... I was incredibly comforted to be able to see his penis one last time.

My slogan t-shirt that says "You Ever Been Dicked By A Man With A Permanently Wet Face?" is missing. Please help me find it, this is a one of a kind collectors item. It was a Christmas present to myself.

waking up and doing it all again tomorrow