@tokyohearse domestic partnerships fell off @domesticjim ? @tokyohearse they fell of @domesticsteve ? @tokyohearse are you guys together @homewreckerterry Not for long. @tokyohearse out of my mentions terry. @canadians4newsom James & Steven - Pls Watch Out 4 Terry

My Date: … Oh! I have a fun story. I saw Tom Hardy at Ralph’s the other day! He seemed really sweet… He’s such a good actor too… Do you—who’s one of your favorite actors…? Me:

oh thank god. we were able to use ring’s search party feature to track down our shiba, Mr. Garry, who ran away last week. now it’s just back to keeping him away from belts and locking the oven door 😅

Asking the guy at Burger King what his favorite thing on the menu is and then saying “ew!” and ordering something else

theres a certain kind of woman who loves being the “what floor?” delegate on elevators. and over the past week, she has grown to support full-body vasectomies for ice agents

chaos in the household. my son is trying meditation this year but he keeps shouting “it’s not working”. my wife’s book club got ruined by termites. and my wife’s mother, who is here after her condo fell in a sinkhole, is on facebook all day watching ai videos of golden retrievers bombing venezuela.

truly one of the geniuses of posting

wise people vs discourse about the pencil guy

i actually think bari weiss isn’t front-facing enough. they should put her on all of cbs, not just the news . have her sideline report on chargers games. stephen colberts new sidekick. hero cop who survives a yacht explosion on ncis: hawaii. the people want more bari.

anyone who doesnt use copilot, gemini, chatspt, x the everything app, and the promo code i have in my bio for pumpkin spice flavored sildenafil that gives us both $8 back is my sworn enemy.

ME: Hey Chief! Check this out! (balancing a pen on my nose) POLICE CHIEF: That’s wonderful, Detective. Where are we at on the Amelia Earhart case? ME: We found her but shes straight now

sending the worst person you know jpeg to my son when he texts me he wants a hamster for christmas

ME: damn. they fucked his shit up. OTHER LAW & ORDER DETECTIVES: that’s not really the kind of language we like to use in this unit.

had a wonderful vision: sitting patiently at the dentist’s office while Sunbather plays in its entirety over the 60kbps waiting room speakers

imagining rfk playing the lead in stephen sondheim’s “company”

this is what being normal looks like 👇

[Dinner] MY WIFE: Oh, do your Trump impression! ME: No, no JOHN: He does a Trump?! STACY: Let’s hear it! JIM: Do it! SARAH: Come on! ME: Oh, alright... (thick brooklyn accent) Chiina! We’re going to Chiina! And we’re going to make Billions ! MY WIFE: (cracking up) JOHN, STACY, JIM, SARAH: … Haha

would love to see the mri brain scans of cuomo voters projected in 70mm imax. a dazzling constellation of immolating lobes and irradiated neurons convulsing in electric swamps

i hate it when the doctor hits me with a hammer because it’s always the wrong bone that springs up ! (i hit send post & sigh. enter the garage. car’s already running. as the exhaust purrs, one last thought comes to me. i pull out my phone) julia child draftkings ad (I smile, and pass away.

We’re Building A Ballroom

just got the saab washed, waxed, and leather conditioned

now i see why he was so defensive

To my friend Jane Goodall. Rest now sister. We have the watch and I'll see you in Valhalla.

SHUG TRONKER: (fastening cross necklace, chomping cigar, pumping shotgun) Let’s hunt some motherfucking vampires. ME: Just a second, Shug. (bending to tie my shoes) … (mumbling) The rabbit goes under the woods and then… Over… Grandma’s house…?… SHUG: ... Do you need help? ME: I’ve got this, Shug.

bugs bunny in drag seducing seal team 6 and they all start shooting each other trying to get a piece of that

just reached out to Mr. Kimmel. i expressed my deep sympathy and offered to let him post on my Bluesky account at least once a month until he lands on his feet. it’s important he still has a platform to speak out.

walking into a dark room where everyone i love jumps out with noisemakers and confetti and unfurls a banner reading "INTELLECTUALLY INCAPABLE OF STANDING TRIAL"

oops. just realized the 300 posts I’ve made in the last month that i thought i was putting here on bluesky.com I’ve accidentally been posting on “buttguys.co.nz”.

i challenge you to do worse. Let's make the world worse

… Listen. I’m sorry I asked your mother “what was it like when you killed Gandalf the grey”. She wasn’t supposed to get what I was implying. My wife: (arms crossed) She owns all three extended cuts. On Blu-Ray. Me: And I feel like it’s an honest mistake on my part that I assumed that she didn’t

VILLAGER A: Lovely day today! VILLAGER B: La la! I'm going to school! VILLAGER C: My mother isn't back yet. I hope she hasn't gone into the Snails' Den. VILLAGER D: I'm busy. VILLAGER E: This town hasn't been the same since the Empire invaded. VILLAGER F: You can sneak past snails by holding 🅑.

this came to me in a dream.

MY FAVORITE COUSIN, JIM: I do. PASTOR: And do you, Mary, take James as your lawful husband? Long as you both shall live? THE WOMAN WHO KNOWS I LIED ABOUT HAVING LONG COVID TO GET OUT OF SEEING HER IMPROV SHOW IN 2022 AND BRINGS IT UP EVERY TIME I SEE HER, MARY: I do. ME: (staring at the floor

Billy Crystal is going to die tomorrow

JIM: Globs for $200, please. KEN JENNINGS: Beware of this dangerous red ooze, which has been depicted on film twice. JIM: What is The Goop? KEN: No! ZOEY: What is The Slime? KEN: No. DAVE: What is The Muck? KEN: Beware of *The Blob*. The Blob. Jim, you’ve still got the board. JIM: Globs for 400,

your 20s are about finding yourself. your 30s are about doing coke a little less. your 40s are finally finding a good barber. your 50s are about taking a surf lesson. your 60s & 70s are talking about how old you are in womens mentions on bluesky. And your 80s are about making Gladiator 2.

Me: I’m at a loss. My marriage is a quilt of lies and my son mocks my transatlantic accent at every impasse… Open the Doordash and deliver me three pints of bourbon, neat. Chat gpt: I’m sorry. Mr. Altman prevents me from assisting individuals with Transatlantic accents. Me: You silly little robut

Hemingway: (incoherently drunk, solemnly handing me a crumpled bar napkin with the world's saddest 6 word story scribbled on it, desperately seeking some sort of connection, even with a stranger in a bar) Me: (illiterate, gesturing vaguely) I Love This

@worldofmovies.bsky.social Would you rather live in a world with no movies or no music 🤔 @billboardhot5000.bsky.social (quote tweet) this is so funny to me bc i know worldofmovies irl and all he talks about is how he likes music a lot more than movies lmao @worldofmovies (dm) Please stop, Colin

just had dinner with Bill Maher. let me tell you, the man i met was nothing like the man you see on tv. for starters, he masturbates! i’ve never seen him choke meat before. and he churned it at the dining table, just like the rest of us. I am simply telling you what I saw.

Me: So, that’s basically what twinkdeath is. Trump: Wow. And nobody loves them after that, after they’re 30. I say it’s terrible. We’ll have to look into that, won’t we JD? Vance: (mind replaying The Pope’s last breaths) … Hmm? Trump: The twinkles. Vance: Yes

(heart in the right place) Can’t wait for these assholes to be sent to The Louvre.

got the bends today when my son dropped his yugioh cards into the bottom of our pool and i had to dive in and fish them all out. now my son is sobbing while my wife frantically blow drys blue eye dragons and i have an bubble in my kidney. I just remember being promised something different

ALLEN GINSBERG: Hey wanna read my new poem ME: Is it going to be sticky? Last time, you just tricked me into touching something sticky on paper and I'm not interested if so. GINSBERG: No, this time it's a real poem. Promise. ME: ......Okay, fine. GINSBERG: Now close your eyes and stick out your hand

Matthew Mcconahey: And that fella in the back, his name is Anton. Anton Chigurh: (legs crossed, waiting for the show to start) Magic Mike: So I give him a lap dance ? Matthew: No sir. He’s gonna do this coin trick and you just play along

i invented the term “the bucket list” in 2006 when i sharted my pants in a walgreens and said “I didn’t have thus on my bucket list.” it was then that a hollywood screenwriter overheard me and thought it sounded like a better title than “Dying Fucking Bastards”

ME: No one’s gonna believe your story that I was the one who sent an entire petting zoo to Jessica’s condo. MY BOSS: (tenting fingers) You’re saying it was me? ME: I’m saying you better lawyer up, jack off. I’m innocent and I’m going to prove it. MY BOSS: (sighing) It’s “jagoff”