Tonight on The Golden Bachelor: No one will accept Herman’s final rose, so he wanders the halls of the mansion morosely, gripping the withered petals. The remaining women charter a jet to Fiji.

Step 1: Improve my French Step 2: Sell all of my outerwear Step 3: Buy a one-way ticket to a French Caribbean island Step 4: Walk into the ocean forever

“I’m here,” I say in a muffled voice, “deep inside the chunky knit.”

The time change doesn’t bother me. I always keep some daylight saved in a jar on my kitchen counter

ᵍʳᵃᵛʸ ˢᵉᵃˢᵒⁿ

Vampire getting very excited to learn blood oranges exist and then getting very disappointed tasting one

Ultimately, each one of us must decide for ourselves what is too fast or too furious

[you find a mysterious charging port on your body] oh no [also it’s not usb-c] OH NO

@linanneblack.bsky.social was going to point out there are so many 🐦‍⬛🐦‍⬛🐦‍⬛ in your name at the moment and then they started🐦‍⬛circling🐦‍⬛over🐦‍⬛🐦‍⬛here🐦‍⬛🐦‍⬛🐦‍⬛toooo🐦‍⬛

My husband is setting up the projector so Slimer will appear on the living room curtain sheer and yelling, “Customer!”every time a kid walks up for trick-or-treat. I have managed to remain pleasant.

Don’t know why trick-or-treaters are annoyed I’m scooping guacamole into their bags. It’s a premium add-on

I remain defeated when it comes to battle with a wasp.

can i get uhhhhh slimeburger with an extra goblin patty oh and a snotshake

They're calling my one man show "a tactile experience you won't forget" featuring "textures we hadn't considered"

Halloween decorations would have you believe that witches always fly their brooms into trees, but with the new Broomzelda Deluxe™️, arboreal crashes are reduced 100%

There is one way to spell the noise a cat makes and that is "meow". I don't want to see "miaow" or any other perverse variations. Let's keep that vowel-to-consonant ratio within acceptable parameters

Here at the institute, we're changing vegetables in a big way. The screaming you hear is from the lettuce lab

Perfect day to catch some fall rays

Café. The handsome barista with the fashion forward (untrimmed! untamed!) eyebrows has put together a dark synth playlist that segues into a Nation of Language song when I walk in. “Love your poet with consumption costume,” he says. “Love your Bert from Sesame Street costume,” I say.

Felt incredibly cute. Never deleting

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a

Reminds me of how much doing loving-kindness meditation — directing wishes of well-being to others — helps me.

Mmm, that’s delicious. Does it have lecithin as an emulsifier?

Fine. I’ll say it: Gruyère is too expensive.

Someone handed this to my grandpa in an Inwood bar, c. 1946

[at Arby's] may i please have two roast beeves

Tonight on The Golden Bachelor: Herman reveals his feelings to Patricia and proposes that she invest in his golf club refurbishing business. Suzanne rappels down the side of the mansion to escape.

I could be a magician, but you’d have to sit directly across from me and sometimes I might have to ask you to close your eyes for a second.

If you cursed someone to be a vampire so their suffering would never end, you have to tell me

All of my neighbors pumpkins "disappeared" this morning and they're all blaming me because my pet hippo Chompers got loose again.

You will end up working in the lab late one night if you spend all day scrolling and don’t get everything done during normal business hours

Between the vexing questions of my valet, the overly-stentorian butler, the ducks that have wandered into the stables, & the cook’s heartbreak which has rendered her useless, I can never find peace in the country.

If life had no meaning we wouldn't have figure skating.

I feel like they didn’t make such a big deal out of it when all my emus with mild seasonal allergies escaped

Saying "sorry" when apologizing: - cliché - uninspired - bourgeois Saying "Balenciaga" when apologizing: - volatile - befuddling - érotique

my life coach: what’s standing in the way of your success & happiness? me: {i show him a drawing i did of a dog with several rows of shark teeth}

Halloween is in just ONE WEEK!?! [practices even more furiously playing a skeleton's ribs like a xylophone]

World Series going so late my Queen of the Night cactus started blooming

"Turns out the bolts in Frankenstein's neck were meant to connect to electrodes, not hold his head in place." "We meant 'anything to add to your job performance review'"

I'm not saying I'm a woodland princess but a squirrel did try to run up my leg today to steal snacks out of my purse.

If you’re currently lost in a corn maze, your best bet is going to be hunkering down for the night

Whoever is making my voodoo doll too exhausted to continue living at 11 am and too wired for sleep at 11 pm, thank you

Don’t want to besmirch ancient catacombs but it seems like they are always harboring eerie secrets

Sure, turkey bacon manufacturer website, you can store files on my device. But only what's strictly necessary, ok?

Got ready to go out too soon so now I'm just awkwardly existing in my regular life, all dressed up in my stupid fancy clothes like when your custom character appears in a cut scene.

scurrying to the shelter under the barrage of the thought cannons. cognitive shrapnel raining over us: fragments of someone else's memory, random facts about birds and trees that never existed; the taste of chocolate and brussel sprouts which vanishes as suddenly as it arrives

The traditional fall activities are still the best. Picking apples. Making scarecrows. Floating out to sea in a hollow giant pumpkin