[about to turn off a light switch with wet hands] This will be the time it happens

My boss just yelled at me for making helicopter noises with my mouth. This meeting sucks

Slept ten hours last night and now I understand quantum mechanics

Due to a variety of circumstances, I have had to do a series of hard things on behalf of my father alone, temporarily, without family support, & let me tell you, I’m REALLY leaning into smelling good & wearing ruthlessly tailored clothes as a method for getting through it.

I had to repair and repaint a wall today, so everything is absolutely everywhere. Three times since plugging things back in, I’ve heard a bright kind of 'powering-up' or baffling notification sound I couldn’t identify. It was my dress was brushing the violin as I walked past it in the kitchen.

Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".

another winter solstice in the books: stood by a roaring bonfire under a spontaneous meteor shower between a wizard and a talking owl

Me, watching a sea creature: how can it stand being so cold and wet? Sea creature, watching me: how can it stand being so warm and dry?

I like when the holiday ad emails make the shift into the You know what’s nice? A gift card.

omen of the day: saw a full Santa Claus riding a motorcycle

My husband, a teacher, said “today we had parent visitation, which makes them sound like an apparition…”

Feels like novelty socks weather out there.

The only people I can trust are those little sprites that swim around my field of vision after I blow my nose too hard.

Anybody got a good lead on where I can have my sterling silver sporks monogrammed

Therapists have to tell you one of their problems if you ask. It's a federal law.

Between shopping and wrapping and baking, I can’t keep up. Not to mention being trapped inside this haunted snow globe

The thing about me is I just got my teeth cleaned, and now I think I'm better than everybody.

Saw the Grinch’s foot and threw up

I must start doing things punctiliously. It’s the only way to become more punctilious

Whoever gave my cat a hand grenade for her birthday has some explaining to do

[discreetly drapes tinsel garland around your shoulders]

Noticing a palpable sense of desperation in retailers’ emails lately: “Only two days left to have gifts delivered by Christmas!” “You’re almost out of time.” “what are you going to do” “i won’t be ignored” “honestly i pity you”

Hemingway’s editor: The short story you sent is great, but I’d like to see you flesh it out. Who is this baby— and why doesn’t he wear shoes?

Doesn't everyone have a floor sweater? (A sweater that is always on the floor somewhere in your house)

no one likes cold weather, but it is your best chance to see a field of horses wearing jackets

if you happen to break into/steal my car today, do NOT use the fork that’s in there - i had to scratch my foot with it while i was driving to work

[silently passes you a mitten full of egg nog]

Just one of the funniest visuals in any movie, ever

It’s the fucking Green Pine Grove Town Square Christmas Eve Festival of Lights Christmas Tree Decorating Contest Finalist Gala

cleaned and refilled all the bird feeders, any minute now i expect to ascend

[suddenly stepping out from the shadows] howdy

These are the days of unpredictable weather, so when you head out into the cold, don’t forget to fill at least one pocket with eggnog.

Friend’s daughter wants to start watching old movies. I suggested It Happened One Night and Duck Soup. She stared at me blankly and said she’d heard of one called Pretty Woman

Misconception that Santa’s belly is like a bowl full of jelly. He actually feels like a dolphin

I’m exhausted but I’m trying to make it cool by saying, “exhausted!” in the same way I would say, “sassy!” or, “sizzle!”

if you’re in line for the raclette hut at a christmas market, STAY IN LINE

Welcome to our list of the 400 best books of the year. There's something here for everyone. 302 are about moms with Alzheimer's.

Every day, ask yourself: am I closer to my goal of managing a haunted bed and breakfast perched upon a weathered cliff

TV show idea: A pet dolphin helps me solve crimes in Las Vegas

my dog: *being treated in such a way that shame has been placed on his bloodline for one thousand years* me: ok bud now let me wipe your other paw

It’s not true that our wild bear habitat only contains a Billy Bob robot from an abandoned Showbiz Pizza Place. We also put a jukebox in there.

I don't know who needs to hear this but you didn't make/buy enough gravy. No, don't argue. Admit your failure.

Watch for me in the Thanksgiving Parade. I’m dressed as a sweet potato and jogging alongside the Vibrant Vegetables float

In fact, it does not bother me at all that on my sister-in-law’s sister’s master Thanksgiving food contribution spreadsheet, under my contribution, it says, “Champagne & weird side dish.” You know what? I’m proud of that.

A turkey won’t fit inside my hollow tree, but everyone’s looking forward to a tasty helping of roasted acorns

Here's my ranking of the numbers 1 and 2 in reverse numerical order: 1: 2 2: 1

"Perfect! Thank you!" - me to the stylist after a good haircut or bad haircut

If you’re trying to sell me a shirt with a bow on it, we can talk. If you’re trying to sell me a shirt with ruffles on it, get the hell out of here.