I told my boyfriend that I heard "Regulate" on the radio and he said "you needed that win."

Feeling good because three people sent me this article saying it made them think of me. Proud to be so heavily associated with Jimmy Fallon hatred! www.currentaffairs.org/news/the-ban...

Grok issued an apology; however an air fryer and a Maytag top-load washer close to the situation have told us he was lying.

[Me realizing Paul Giamatti is doing the voice of John Adams in the new Ken Burns Revolutionary War documentary] Oh FUCK yes

we can kill them all if we just work together and ✨believe💫

We are thrilled to announce that our NEW Large Language Model will be released on 11.18.25.

If there was a college where the only thing you had to do get your degree was learn how to spell diarrhea without spell check it would take me 7+ years to graduate.

Wow per the potential side effects part of the commercials the area between the anus and genitals is being dealt a real beating by modern pharmaceuticals

Share a guy from the 80s who’s name you heard a lot while your parents were watching the news but you had no idea who he was because you were a child

Don't tempt me, man.

I'm a lot like our Lord in that I also sleep for 3 days after an eventful Friday night

The Emmy for make up should only/forever go to whoever was responsible Gillian Anderson’s make up on X-Files.

I'm sorry but if you don't think Jessica Fletcher is cool you're fucked in the head. AbsoLUTEly fucked.

I know nobody wants to see my list of Yellowjackets characters as LOST characters but unfortunately I am going to share it

I really fucking hate it when my liege heeds not my measured counsel, leaning rather upon the superstitions of augurs and temple priests :(

Absolutely refusing to respond to any external stimulus so I will be considered PROACTIVE instead of REACTIVE. Try to speak to me and I will stare through you but after 10 minutes of silence I will start wildly laughing and/or screaming. This is my path to #success.

I misheard at first and thought Willem Dafoe was mentioned in “Not Like Us.” I was confused but pleased that he was somehow in the mix.

Boy, maps used to be a hell of a lot more fun

Sure, nobody's noticed YET that I casually pepper Peep Show quotes into everyday conversation but someday someone might and bam! - new best friend

The heart of Billy Ray Cyrus is a separate, sentient man who will kill another if need be.

When I’m looking for an item I misplaced I think “If I were me, where would I put it?” And I don’t know. I don’t know.

Do you think fish know they’re weird

At this point avoiding learning about the Hawk Tuah girl is harder than just giving in but I MUST press on

If it ain’t on Tubi I don’t deserve to see it

The first one I remember is being irrevocably kindertrauma’d by “Silkwood” in the theater at age 7. I think my parents somehow hoped that I’d zone out and not notice the movie on the huge screen in front of me? But of course I was RIVETED TO and DAMAGED BY each and every frame.

You’re all invited Wednesday night to see my Thanksgiving-themed cover band, Turdokken

My hometown had two serial killers in the early 00s and they called the more famous one “The Baton Rouge Serial Killer” and the second one “The Other Baton Rouge Serial Killer”

Hey, boot makers? You call that middlin’ ass shaft circumference “wide calf”? I IMPOLITELY invite you to get a load of THIS leg.

You can be married but still spiritually a spinster

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us "You will never leave this island."

Before COVID-19, Beck Levy was a hardcore punk rock performer. Now, she has severe #LongCOVID and has watched her place in the world creep away from her. This week at The Sick Times, read Beck’s essay about what it feels like when your subculture leaves you behind. bit.ly/3V0KJBv

Important Rules for my followers on Bluesky: 1. Treat me like your granddaughter even if younger than me 2. Do NOT point out my faults 3. Admit to me that the Phil Collins-fronted Genesis had some amazing hits 4. If I’m ever job hunting write one sample cover letter for me just to get me started

[me doing body positivity] I love my skin prison

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

Come with me if you want to leave

I noticed I get really depressed Monday through Friday. Wonder what that's about

You can be married but still spiritually a spinster

“Hope she sees this, bro” - me to self re: my to-do list

"EAR MUFFS WHEN IT'S 55°? HO HO, I WISH YOU LUCK ON MAKING IT TO SPRING," I boom as my shorts-clad body emerges, steaming, from the Rite Aid

A lot of very funny and talented people have written for Sorrowscopes over the years- here they are! bsky.app/starter-pack...

Changing my email sign off from “Best,” to “Help,”

I gotta score one of those “sleeping draughts” that people in old timey books were taking

Trying to get neither paranoid nor weirdly proud that a lot of people in my life seem to associate me with Jason Voorhees.

Great news! It’s now not only acceptable but preferred to spend all day doing lymphatic self-massage, gua sha and face yoga! The dark days when we did not spend all our time and mental energy on this are behind us! People will be jailed for having sluggish lymph in our lifetime! #goldenage

Saturday painting. From a photo I found online of a guy who made himself a costume out of a parachute and raw meat. Will probably mess with it more after it sits a while.

Every single time I watched Pee Wee’s Playhouse my dog would go berserk during the theme song. I swear there were dog whistles in it to hype up the pets.

Bluesky amirite 🤯💻💸🧖🏼‍♂️