Hey a thing I really don’t want to get lost here is that while Tylenol doesn’t cause autism, IT’S FINE TO BE AUTISTIC. Let’s not grant them the premise that autism should be eradicated in our way to correct the science, okay? Okay.

neera tanden: we need to expand the tent by killing people, who will cause it to swell with corpse gas

(existential Borat) my life

Cry in the shower, scream in the car 😎

Anyone who accidentally saw the footage (and isn't a ghoul like me who is used to things like that) - play some Tetris or a word game. I'm not kidding. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29152159/

Last night I had a dream that my old roommate and I were visiting some wealthy people we went to college with, in the dream they were living in Belgium or some shit, and they were carefree and enjoying being alive, and I did a lot of furious screaming into a pillow about it Lol what could that mean

Wearing my emotional support Judas Priest tee shirt

Today I forgot to eat lunch and I went past "hangry" into "hangry 2: existential hangst"

I saw Ghost at Madison Square Garden on July 22 and it was incredibly fun, except I was right behind a girl in a full nun's habit plus corset that she had clearly been festering under for some hours, so the whole time I was like "Sister, can you please get your... fuckin stinky wimple outta my face"

Having an extra waffle at breakfast just to take the edge off

I've got a pretty bad case of banana backpack 😔 (I put a banana in my backpack and now it smells like banana in my backpack)

Finally unlocked the "Japanese for Bitches" unit in Duolingo

She's risking her life to try to deliver humanitarian aid to Palestinians is what she did! She's a brave Swedish activist! And in his house, Greta Thunberg is a hero, end of story!!!

Dear universe, Since I'm being wrung out like a dishrag by my current employer, and am therefore too tired to job hunt, kindly drop the perfect job for me directly into my lap, please and thank you. P.S. no monkeypaw shit

People are always like "you're so naturally funny" (thousand yard stare) there's nothing natural about it

You’re about to leave the grocery store without the milk you came for when you hear that little voice: Joan, you must save the nation of France

Everybody into orbs and obelisks nowaday. What ever happened to worshiping the damn sun

Lately finding myself eating lunch while standing. It feels good. I see why horses and dads do this

Getting through the goddamn work day feels like being one of those lizards that can run across water because of surface tension, just hauling absolute ass at maximum frenzy to skitter across an unending river of fuckin BULLshit

I'm a lot like our Lord in that I also sleep for 3 days after an eventful Friday night

Calling the DEI hotline to inform on lady Matlock

I don't know about you guys, but me? I'm in that in-between area where I'm not mentally ill enough to receive support of any kind from the government, but I *am* mentally ill enough that every day of my life is torture

I work in Times Square, and god damn if every day doesn't feel more and more like the beginning of "Children of Men"

You know what I could really go for right now? One of those large cash settlements

Even on my regular antidepressant, I still felt unresolved symptoms of depression. So I asked my doctor about adding Cadbury Mini Eggs.

Diane, I’m all clean and I’m in my jammies

Everybody go ahead and peel back the cover on your night pudding

I have no time for nuance. Kill me or get out of my way

This is what getting up and going to work every day feels like

Spinning around like an Olympic discus thrower and hurling my work laptop directly into the East River

GALADRIEL: (glowing green) In place of a hard roll, I would have whole wheat—beautiful and terrible to behold! DELI GUY: #3 on wheat. G: (coyly) You offer it to me freely. DG: No, Galadriel. You have to pay. Every day with this

For your transgressions against humanity, I curse you with "disdainful French wife"

Here are my thoughts on the Super Bowl

I still stand by this.

Getting ready to wear this shirt every day for the next several years

For my own well-being I'm still avoiding news of any kind, due to my high resting despair levels

Tapping the "FASCISM IS AN IDEOLOGY OF THE AESTHETICS OF POWER; RIDICULE THE AESTHETICS AND THE POWER PROJECTION COLLAPSES" sign again

Today my therapist was like "Try to focus on the things that you enjoy. That's ... that's all we have right now" Sounds like SOMEone's not used to despair 💅 LOL LOL LOL TAKE THAT, STEPHANIE!!! WHO'S THE PROFESSIONAL NOW

Remember when Google's corporate motto was "Don't be evil"? Lol lol anyway they just did a software update on my Pixel 4a to the latest "you haven't given us money recently, so now your battery lasts 45 minutes" version

Come out tonight to see my Judd family cover band, Puddle of Judd

What do you guys think they're gonna call the generation after Gen Alpha or whatever? My money's on "The Last One"

The only way I can imagine getting through the next year is to go to as many events as possible where I can wear this Lorna Shore shirt that's the Pieta except Jesus has been decapitated (this was Last Podcast live)

"I invoke my rights to silence and counsel and will not answer questions without my attorney present." MEMORIZE THAT. I'm serious.

I'm saving so much money on cigarettes, I'd be stupid NOT to vape!

i’m the crematorium employee who’s always pretending he’s got a great big sneeze coming on. carrying around a huge feather as a goof, pretending to tickle the noses of the other workers. i took this job so i’d have unsupervised access to the incinerator at night

I'm looking to keep it low-key this holiday season, just a couple upside down bong-rips with the fam

Sigh... This is the part of the job I hate. *works 9-5, Monday-Friday*

I work in Times Square, and god damn if every day doesn't feel more and more like the beginning of "Children of Men"

Don't you hate when you're looking back on your life and you're like "Jesus fucking Christ, THOSE were the GOOD times???" cause lol what