Diane, it's 9:35 AM on April 15 and I still haven't done my taxes

ChatGPT: you’re right you’re so much smarter than him. He’s so schlubby and you’re so suave. Columbo will never catch you.

Time traveling to Dallas on November 22, 1963 and running up to JFK's car, yelling "noooooooo" and diving in slow motion to hold up his nephew in front of him as a shield.

For some reason, this time I imagined Judge Holden wearing a human scalp with a vainly preened hair tumbleweed perched atop a caked-in-bronzer, dipshit Baby-Huey-lookin-ass motherfucker

Taking a mental health break from beholding the grim, absurd, cruel, and avaricious violence perpetrated by this country's leadership with one of my favorite comfort reads (Blood Meridian)

taking a much needed break from current events to read Dune, a story about a decaying decadent sociopathic patriarch going to war with desert-dwelling religious zealots, led by the son of a guy he killed, over the resource that underpins civilization-wide trade.

Nuremberg was an important symbol of German nationhood so I say with 100% sincerity that this is a job for Philadelphia

Can't wait to talk about the Easter Miracle at lunch with my family (I showered)

ICE plays many vital roles at the airport. patreon.com/BrianMcFadden

I wonder what it must be like to be a musician. Like, your brain makes music?? All my brain makes is jokes and depression

POV: You are an interdimensional alien warlord. You destroy an entire planet and its inhabitants then slip back into your own dimension, where you think you’ll be safe from consequences. But no. One man will make you pay for your crimes.

My apartment's very "Grey Gardens for poor people" but I'll have you know I'm working towards "just 'poor people'"

🎶 Cause I'm... hot blooded! Check it and see! 🎶 🎶 Someday, a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets 🎶

2007 me leaving college with vague hopes of being a writer, listening to Arcade Fire MOST JARRING SMASH CUT POSSIBLE to 2026 me in a cubicle, listening to straight up monster screams over blast beats

Zero Lunch Thirty

What a time to be alive (derogatory)

Very annoyed that my primary anger response is crying, so I'm looking for an anger management class to get more explosive

Burzum is just Burzum for people who like Burzum.

I've been telling myself "just gotta make it to the weekend" since I was 12 years old

I don't want to shower and go to work, I wanna stay home and be disgusting

I wonder what it must be like to be a musician. Like, your brain makes music?? All my brain makes is jokes and depression

Discovered secret third option this morning: go to work and be disgusting

I don't want to shower and go to work, I wanna stay home and be disgusting

They invented the cybertruck so people who aren't funny can know what it's like to make everyone around them laugh

Overslept and signed in to work computer at exactly 10 AM like "damn, I'm exactly like a dog who doesn't understand why dinner's not on time"

At work they made us set "operational excellence" goals and suggested "making it fun" by framing it as a "streak" of "X days with or without whatever" so mine is "0 days since wishing I'd been murdered at the beginning of an episode of Columbo"

Last night while in a hypnagogic state my brain called RFK Jr. a "human colostomy bag"

"Normal" is just a setting on my nicotine vape so why be normal when you could be BOOST MODE

Today's President's Daily Brief: "Trump determined to make the next Bin Ladin determined to strike in US"

Hey Greenland, you know what you could do that would be really funny right now

Today's President's Daily Brief: "Trump determined to make the next Bin Ladin determined to strike in US"

Taking a mental health break from beholding the grim, absurd, cruel, and avaricious violence perpetrated by this country's leadership with one of my favorite comfort reads (Blood Meridian)

Getting tased for saying "neener neener" to the NYPD

I CAN’T DO THIS *clap clap clapclapclap* I CAN’T DO THIS *clap clap clapclapclap*

Survived by front-loading (listened to "Flight of Icarus" five times during my drive there)

I have jury duty tomorrow and I'm gonna have to check my phone with security?? These people expect me to go an entire day without listening to a single Iron Maiden song???

Having an extra waffle at breakfast just to take the edge off

Columbomaxxing

🎵 I don't wanna work 🎵 🎵 I just wanna get preserved in this bog all day 🎵

What a time to be alive (derogatory)

Here it is, your moment of zen.

I don't play D&D so here's a free character name from my intrusive thoughts: Lee Iacoccra

Allow me to introduce my pet flounder, Flatboy Swim

Yesterday I went out to get lunch and in the middle of the sidewalk outside my office there was a latex glove filled with shit that was spilling out of the wrist cause someone had stepped on it I'M SO SICK OF THIS FUCKING CITY

My main hobbies

Had to perform an emergency ponytail-ectomy on myself to promote bathing

i have just gotten off a productive call with sauron where i laid out our requests - nazgul bodycams - morgul knife must remain sheathed unless suspect is determined to be carrying the one ring - shelob will be the new point of contact

Martin Landau Ballet

Snow storm well planned for? (derisively) Welcome to Mamdani's New York!! Sharia Snow Plows