This is not who we are. I became an ICE agent because I truly believed in the value of getting a $50,000 signing bonus to violently assault and terrorize anyone I wanted while never getting in trouble for anything. Being held accountable conflicts strongly with my deeply-held personal beliefs

The “prosecute the former regime at every level” candidate has my vote in 2028.

British police officer working the Joker case: (aghast) He’s havin a laugh at us

Merry CRYPTS-MAS! (maniacal cackle as I pull a coffin lid down over my cubicle) (I'm still at work, I hate everyone who has ever lived their dream)

Jensen Ackles and Tim Robinson should play brothers, I am 100% correct on this

Huh. I don't remember eating the mighty Mississippi

Doug "Skin" Flutie

Starting a cultural phenomenon by putting lol in quotation marks when the situation is not lol at all (it comes up a lot) ("lol")

My main hobbies

I generally avoid threatening people with death or physical harm on here because it strikes me as a pretty unproductive and fucked up thing to do, with the notable exception of the sentient car Lightning McQueen from the Cars movies. who I will kill

(pointing at the trident hood ornament on a luxury vehicle) Ah, I see you got the new Hyundai Poseidon

Alan, it’s time

ME: Jesus christ. The Chicken Man? When was this? BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: last night ME: fuck.... well, at least his house is okay BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: *looks concerned*

"EAR MUFFS WHEN IT'S 55°? HO HO, I WISH YOU LUCK ON MAKING IT TO SPRING," I boom as my shorts-clad body emerges, steaming, from the Rite Aid

HAPPY SHIT GARBAGE WEDNESDAY EVERYONE!!!

My main hobbies

just moved to a desolate and forbidding moor and honestly it’s really chill. I’d love to see this ever-present fog try to envelop me in madness

A fulfilling career is nice but the real dream is saying something profound before using your ultimate attack.

"Tracy you can't fly anymore, remember?" *cut to Tracy stood in a plane brandishing a box cutter. his expression is tense and angry but he is saying "If you do not all calm down I cannot teach you about knife safety" in Arabic*

As I approach 40, I can't help but think about all the things I'll probably never get to accomplish in life. Like having a short story published, or learning how to fry scream 😔

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be the funny co-worker

I can see the N¥T building from my cubicle, and it's very hard not to put sticky notes on the window spelling out a big "you suck so bad"

I work at the plate-spinning plant. I work at the torture factory. I work at the combination plate-spinning plant and torture factory.

Another day, another (screams forever)

Sumo: Two men enter. One man leaves. That man loses.

Hey a thing I really don’t want to get lost here is that while Tylenol doesn’t cause autism, IT’S FINE TO BE AUTISTIC. Let’s not grant them the premise that autism should be eradicated in our way to correct the science, okay? Okay.

neera tanden: we need to expand the tent by killing people, who will cause it to swell with corpse gas

Cry in the shower, scream in the car 😎

Anyone who accidentally saw the footage (and isn't a ghoul like me who is used to things like that) - play some Tetris or a word game. I'm not kidding. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29152159/

Last night I had a dream that my old roommate and I were visiting some wealthy people we went to college with, in the dream they were living in Belgium or some shit, and they were carefree and enjoying being alive, and I did a lot of furious screaming into a pillow about it Lol what could that mean

Wearing my emotional support Judas Priest tee shirt

Today I forgot to eat lunch and I went past "hangry" into "hangry 2: existential hangst"

I saw Ghost at Madison Square Garden on July 22 and it was incredibly fun, except I was right behind a girl in a full nun's habit plus corset that she had clearly been festering under for some hours, so the whole time I was like "Sister, can you please get your... fuckin stinky wimple outta my face"

Having an extra waffle at breakfast just to take the edge off

I've got a pretty bad case of banana backpack 😔 (I put a banana in my backpack and now it smells like banana in my backpack)

Finally unlocked the "Japanese for Bitches" unit in Duolingo

She's risking her life to try to deliver humanitarian aid to Palestinians is what she did! She's a brave Swedish activist! And in his house, Greta Thunberg is a hero, end of story!!!

Dear universe, Since I'm being wrung out like a dishrag by my current employer, and am therefore too tired to job hunt, kindly drop the perfect job for me directly into my lap, please and thank you. P.S. no monkeypaw shit

People are always like "you're so naturally funny" (thousand yard stare) there's nothing natural about it

Getting through the goddamn work day feels like being one of those lizards that can run across water because of surface tension, just hauling absolute ass at maximum frenzy to skitter across an unending river of fuckin BULLshit

I'm a lot like our Lord in that I also sleep for 3 days after an eventful Friday night

Calling the DEI hotline to inform on lady Matlock