Everyone who rocks dies and everyone who sucks is still fucking president

Anthony Stewart Head will always be a real one for this. RIP www.thepinknews.com/2019/12/20/a...

(arriving at work 108 minutes late) Is it time to go home yet

No prescription-strength antiperspirant has tangled with me and lived to tell the tale

When I go to CVS to pick up a prescription, even though I'm always clearly wearing a metal band shirt, about half of the time some patron asks me a question and I have to be like "I don't work here"?? I can only assume this is due to the way I confidently stride around places

Adding to my email signature "Please consider the red shift before contributing to the heat death of the universe"

I don't have a mind palace I have a mind hovel

Sorry if I'm messing things up this is my first time living through a dystopia

A self help book called "The Wolf Who Cried 'Myself'"

My audition for James Bond. Ain't it time for a 007 who's tired of yo' shit? @primevideo.bsky.social @deadline.com @thr.com @denisvilleneuve.bsky.social

2007 me leaving college with vague hopes of being a writer, listening to Arcade Fire MOST JARRING SMASH CUT POSSIBLE to 2026 me in a cubicle, listening to straight up monster screams over blast beats

I don't want to shower and go to work, I wanna stay home and be disgusting

America's Next Top Wolfman

My latest invention: Sunday jorts

Nothing makes me CLOCK THE FUCK OUT and stomp all the way home quite like my manager choosing 7 PM Friday to follow up on an email that I already replied to

Frequent Frinkiac deployer excited by 10th anniversary site improvements, little else in life

I just took my laundry out of the dryer and immediately folded it but I had to take the pill from "Limitless" to do it

I've been telling myself "just gotta make it to the weekend" since I was 12 years old

CHOTINER: There are claims you've been down too long in the midnight sea. HOLY DIVER: Who's saying that?

At work they made us set "operational excellence" goals and suggested "making it fun" by framing it as a "streak" of "X days with or without whatever" so mine is "0 days since wishing I'd been murdered at the beginning of an episode of Columbo"

Getting tased for saying "neener neener" to the NYPD

Wearing my emotional support Judas Priest tee shirt

🎵 I don't wanna work 🎵 🎵 I just wanna get preserved in this bog all day 🎵

Diane, it's 9:35 AM on April 15 and I still haven't done my taxes

ChatGPT: you’re right you’re so much smarter than him. He’s so schlubby and you’re so suave. Columbo will never catch you.

Time traveling to Dallas on November 22, 1963 and running up to JFK's car, yelling "noooooooo" and diving in slow motion to hold up his nephew in front of him as a shield.

For some reason, this time I imagined Judge Holden wearing a human scalp with a vainly preened hair tumbleweed perched atop a caked-in-bronzer, dipshit Baby-Huey-lookin-ass motherfucker

Taking a mental health break from beholding the grim, absurd, cruel, and avaricious violence perpetrated by this country's leadership with one of my favorite comfort reads (Blood Meridian)

taking a much needed break from current events to read Dune, a story about a decaying decadent sociopathic patriarch going to war with desert-dwelling religious zealots, led by the son of a guy he killed, over the resource that underpins civilization-wide trade.

Nuremberg was an important symbol of German nationhood so I say with 100% sincerity that this is a job for Philadelphia

Can't wait to talk about the Easter Miracle at lunch with my family (I showered)

ICE plays many vital roles at the airport. patreon.com/BrianMcFadden

I wonder what it must be like to be a musician. Like, your brain makes music?? All my brain makes is jokes and depression

POV: You are an interdimensional alien warlord. You destroy an entire planet and its inhabitants then slip back into your own dimension, where you think you’ll be safe from consequences. But no. One man will make you pay for your crimes.

My apartment's very "Grey Gardens for poor people" but I'll have you know I'm working towards "just 'poor people'"

🎶 Cause I'm... hot blooded! Check it and see! 🎶 🎶 Someday, a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets 🎶

2007 me leaving college with vague hopes of being a writer, listening to Arcade Fire MOST JARRING SMASH CUT POSSIBLE to 2026 me in a cubicle, listening to straight up monster screams over blast beats

Zero Lunch Thirty

What a time to be alive (derogatory)

Very annoyed that my primary anger response is crying, so I'm looking for an anger management class to get more explosive

Burzum is just Burzum for people who like Burzum.

I've been telling myself "just gotta make it to the weekend" since I was 12 years old

I wonder what it must be like to be a musician. Like, your brain makes music?? All my brain makes is jokes and depression

Discovered secret third option this morning: go to work and be disgusting

I don't want to shower and go to work, I wanna stay home and be disgusting

They invented the cybertruck so people who aren't funny can know what it's like to make everyone around them laugh

Overslept and signed in to work computer at exactly 10 AM like "damn, I'm exactly like a dog who doesn't understand why dinner's not on time"

At work they made us set "operational excellence" goals and suggested "making it fun" by framing it as a "streak" of "X days with or without whatever" so mine is "0 days since wishing I'd been murdered at the beginning of an episode of Columbo"