Spoiler alert. You ain't an alpha you a little bitch ass bitch and whatnot.

Worth a thousand words and whatnot. And just a reminder from Uncle George. It's never too late to admit your ass got played.

ORLANDO! I'm comin' down there to try to capture Florida Man once and for all and whatnot. Thought I'd do some shows while I'm there. November 14th and 15th. Let's laugh it off!

ORLANDO!!! November 14th and 15th. This is y'all's chance to run up to the stage and Kissimmee.

Real talk. If your ass is still on board with the walkin' circus peanut you lost your damn mind.

Vote yes on Fitty!

Imagine these wockaflockas blowing up random boats off the coast of Ireland. You can't, can you?

Handin' out pocket-sized Constitutions to trick or treaters this year. Go get a Snickers bar next door, Waldo. Uncle George is hooking you up with the Separation of Powers and whatnot.

ORLANDO!!! Just taking a break to invite y'all to @FunnyBoneORL next month. November 14th and 15th. Tickets at orlando.funnybone.com/shows/

What the hell is the wayside, and why does so much shit fall by it and whatnot?

Shout out to E.T. for taping a few everyday devices together and using that shit to call a Space Uber and get his ass back home and whatnot.

DETROIT!!!! See your asses at my show this Saturday and whatnot! share.google/iquiUkfhLLzW...

36 out of every 100 Americans shrugged and went to crossfit or some shit. Great job, wockaflockas.

DETROIT!!!! See your asses at my show this Saturday and whatnot! share.google/iquiUkfhLLzW...

Shit. Accidentally went to the Chicken a la King March. Food was good though.

Shout out to the top 5 kings in the world, Martin Luther, Larry, Don, Stephen and Americans don't have a motherfuckin'.

They're scrubbin' the hell outta the Epstein files. Gonna put Bill Clinton's name everywhere like MadLibs. Every flight, five Bill Clintons were sittin' there while Bill Clinton flew the plane. Bill Clinton leavin' the island as Bill Clinton lands. Bill Clinton wavin' to himself

If y'all are shocked by the racism of the Young Republicans, I got some bad news for your ass about the older ones.

We grew up so poor we could only watch Marley OR Me.

You should make more money TEACHING children than you do ZIP TYING them.

So let me get this shit straight. Y'all are... (checks notes)... pro-fascism and pro-king?

DETROIT. Saturday, October 25th! Get yo' asses in seats and let's fill this place with love and laughs. Tickets at share.google/SC71UpI8gUJJ...

We grew up so poor we could only watch '4 and a Half Dalmatians'.

Only attend No Kings if y'all believe in one or more of the following: Equality, democracy, freedom of speech, the Constitution, LGBTQ+ rights, voting rights, women's rights, due process, diversity, museums, books, objective truth, stopping measles and not going to war with Portland and whatnot.

ORLANDO!!! Just taking a break to invite y'all to @FunnyBoneORL next month. November 14th and 15th. Tickets at orlando.funnybone.com/shows/

DETROIT. Let's blow the roof off the mothersucka October 25th. Find joy. Seek joy and whatnot.

Remember self-care. Sprinkle some joy in with the doom scrollin' and whatnot. I love you and there's absolutely nothin' you can do about it.

Sad and whatnot!

Hopefully we can stop all these damn folks who are... (checks notes)... against fascism?

If they've got you angry with tamale vendors, museum displays and trans kids, you are their perfect dumbass and whatnot.

DETROIT!!! October 25th. We gotta keep our joy. Together. See y'all there and whatnot.

DETROIT!!! October 25th. We gotta keep our joy. Together. See y'all there and whatnot.

We are changing our antifa secret handshake to slap-slap-fistbump-fistbump. Then you snap your fingers once, eat everyone's pets, and make everyone within 50' instantly become trans. Pass it along.

I am canceling tonight's antifa pot luck due to the tumor I got from taking the measles vaccine. I appreciate privacy during this difficult time and whatnot.

They call it Prime Day but that shit is actually two days. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

CHICAGO!!!!! Let's get in some good trouble this Sunday at City Winery. I love you and there's absolutely nothin' you can do about it.

CHICAGO!!!!! Let's get in some good trouble this Sunday at City Winery. I love you and there's absolutely nothin' you can do about it.

👏 PLOT👏TWIST!👏 IF 👏THESE👏UNSERIOUS 👏WOCKAFLOCKAS 👏SOUND 👏LIKE👏 SERIOUS👏WOCKAFLOCKAS👏TO 👏YOU👏THEN👏YOU👏 YOURSELF👏HAVE 👏BECOME👏AN👏UNSERIOUS 👏WOCKAFLOCKA!👏

I saw this racist bullshit coming the second our classrooms switched from blackboards to whiteboards.

Shout out to the American Presidents who didn't... (checks notes)... hate Americans.

Vote yes on Fitty!

If you are someone who believes love will win, if you are someone who WANTS to believe love will win, @lavernecox.bsky.social and I got something for you over on Prime. Presented by the late, great Norman Lear. Watching "Clean Slate" is certified self-care and whatnot.

Just a reminder about the reminder and whatnot. #Reminders #Islands #Epsteins #Whatnots

My favorite Kippur is probably Yom.

If museums are makin' you sad, maybe blame your great, great grandpa instead of the museums.