I have a break from the heat today, but not the stupidity.

They putting an extra bean on their toast tomorrow, even though it's £1 extra because of Brexit.

I mean… I guess I get it. What other bands is England even associated with?

King Charles got too excited and his fingers exploded.

I can't believe taking the mexican chicken baguette off the greggs menu worked

Congrats to Jimmy Saville Island!

CONCATHF

I don't want to roast England for another game. Mexico, ayudame, por favor.

Unfortunately for England, the upside-down ceiling baby from Trainspotting is Scottish and ineligible to play.

Harry Kane gets balder with each opponents' goal.

This game is like a dinner party where the host couple is arguing and you want to leave but it’s also fascinating.

No me gusta.

There was never one lion in England, let alone three. Hedgehog is their largest land predator (besides pedophiles).

If Harry Kane kicks a ball so hard it unplugs Mitch McConnell's life support, I will put those silly breakfast beans on a hot dog.

¡Que lastima!

I know I'm a sea level bitch and would never challenge anyone in a mile high city, except for Salt Lake, where I could have one Coke and dunk on any Mormon.

¡Esta noche, estamos Mexico! (Lo siento. No recuerdo mucho desde Espanol en collegio.)

This game's going to send Bolsonaro to an even more obscure hospital wing. 🇳🇴🇧🇷

An English person ordering a fajita and having a seizure because the sizzling sounds are "too spicy."

Like, disavowing Jeremiah Wright, firing Shirley Sherrod, and holding a beer summit with a cop who arrested a Harvard professor in his own home because he was Black, point directly to our current moment but of course that’s not what they’re talking about.

Guys, I just got served… …a Estadio Azteca full of wings.

The Fox "Match Momentum" graph is brought to you by Winamp visualizations.

I think the lifeguards forcing you to wear an OCEAN NERD t-shirt after being rescued is tough but fair.

August needs a federal holiday. Nothin' but two-day weekends 'til Labor Day? I have too many loud summer shirts and not enough time to wear them.

The reason these Temu KKK losers only march for 15 minutes at a time (long enough to get their propaganda footage and generate images that a horrified public will endlessly amplify for them) is that they know that if they hung around longer, they'd quickly be outnumbered by their opposition.

I bought one of those zapper rackets for mosquitos, and it's proved very satisfying to use. I'm studiously avoiding reading anything about whether it's cruel or whether they can feel it -- I'm just letting myself believe that it is and they do. 🤗

They got Mitch McConnell hooked up to the world's first heart-lung-and-ass machine.

I quit engineering to make cartoons. Hire me, finance guys! I have insights like: Invoices should be paid, maybe rates should go up a bit from exactly where they were in '70s, and try making a product people actually want.

Knowing the difference could save a planet.

i only learned relatively recently that at the time of the revolution Britain only had about 8 million inhabitants. the 13 colonies had 2.5 million, which is less, obviously, but nowhere near the disparity i had somehow imagined???

Doing this entry was, I believe, the first time I ever looked at the actual original version of this image. I only knew it from like looney tunes references and etc. Anyway it's some real hack work by a guy who was trying to cash in on the 1876 centennial which worked so good job I guess.

Semiquincentennial is shorthand for the time Brody first saw the shark and said, "I got a semi, Quint!"

Tiptoe all you want dude. I can hear those pizzicato strings

250, y'all. Thinkin' about the melting pot today. Folks who came here outta hope or by force. Folks who were already here, minding their own damn business. All of us in this sometimes rocky boat, trying to make it work. I love y'all. Let's keep meltin' and whatnot.

If Ben Franklin were here today, he'd be embarrassed "The Glass Harmonica" isn't a sex act by now.

🚨 MAGAs are storming the Air and Space Museum to steal Neil Armstrong's historic underpants that cooled his ass on the Moon!

"Hot Dog" is slang for "Those filthy Hessians are eating your pets" and that's why it's the most American food.

Knowing the difference could save a planet.

Slowest state fair pig race I've ever seen.

Hope a firework blinds me before accidentally catching that FIFA After Hours show with James Corden tonight.

Metro Police could've cited the Patriot Front cosplayers for carrying uncovered liquids: Their sweaty doo-doo chinos.

The Secret Service agent who cuts his hot dogs so he doesn't choke should take today off.

I'm celebrating our venerated powdered-wig-wearin' slavers' special day with a 20% discount on monthly and annual Patreon memberships.

Taylor gonna get divorced at Red Rocks

I don't usually do obituary cartoons, but I'll make an exception for Mitch and one other guy who also looks like shit.

Cape Verdeans are now honorary Philadelphians because that was basically ROCKY. They weren't "supposed" to be there, much less going the distance with the champions and the GOAT, who had to give it everything they've got just to eek out a win in overtime. Bravo.

Rooting for Cabo Verde to pull this off.

I dunk on my dumb South Shore aunts, but even they don't eat Three-way roast beef. No way to eat eat it without looking like you pigged out at spaghetti night.

Happy birthday, America, you piece of shit.