Threat? That was a joke I made from from the news. I’m not in trouble at all. We should be able to make a LITTLE threat on Bluesky.

Briefly considered posting something political and topical but then I got the idea for ‘Moon Rustlers’, a series of novellas in which a lone cowboy named Colton McKittrick melts down silver bullets into gauntlets so he can punch werewolves to death.

Dreams don’t mean anything. How could they? They’re always the same thing. You’re in sixth grade and you try to impress your crush by showing her your homemade nunchucks and she laughs at you. Complete nonsense. I mean, it did actually happen but it doesn’t MEAN anything.

Every once in awhile, beneath the fruit in one of those fruit-on-the-bottom yogurts, there should be a secret passageway to a series of forgotten catacombs.

HEADSTONE: I don’t know, man… I tried.

Hear me out: six factor authentication

Massive, glaring continuity errors in this movie

Boxers sometimes seem so confused and annoyed when the other fella punches them. What did you think was going to happen, champ? He's been talking about doing this for weeks. He's put his special punching gloves on for it.

The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job

You get a little jaded at this job sometimes but when you see a grandma’s face light up the first time she learns about vertical farming… those moments stay with you.

trying to explain to an alien that you can make a stinky face when music is bad but it’s also normal to do so when it’s good

[making chit chat] when did your childhood end

Feels like I could be MORE mindful even FASTER if this meditation dude would quit pausing for six seconds between every sentence.

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

Skeletons shouldn't play each other as instruments

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

eating a powerful mushroom that grants me the strength to survive being bumped into by a turtle one time

Hot tip: If you’re like me and find there are no depression support groups in your area you can simply visit the YouTube comments under Weird Al’s Weezer style parody ‘Skipper Dan.’

Well, well, well. Look who just walked in. If it isn't sad, sad bathroom mirror-man.

Open your eyes, dude. The wizards who sell us curative potions are the same guys who debuffed us in the first place.

[writing in my journal by candlelight] Bought a box of Oops! All Berries cereal today, but they weren’t all berries. I fear I am no match for life’s challenges

*Gotta think of a harmless, absurd joke to break the tension. Come on, you can do this. Don't just sit back and watch this site turn into an angry political hellscape like the last one. Come on. Come on. You got this.*

This may be controversial, but octopuses should not be allowed to play sports where they can use all eight tentacles. If they’re gonna play tennis or baseball, they can only use one racket or bat

Was super depressed so I went to see Toxic Avenger. I am now slightly less depressed and the other guy in the theatre seemed to enjoy himself as well. Thank you, world.

I was pretty livid to see the label on my new suit that says "Dry Clean Only," because, to be honest, I'd been planning on wearing it.

*Casually mentions karate 7 times in my wedding vows*

BUSINESS TIP: I've managed my company for over 35 years, and in that time I've learned that you only need to ask one question in a job interview to tell the difference between a good potential hire and the worst mistake of your life: "Have you seen the clown that hides from bad job applicants?"

Growing up, I’d always assumed that the most difficult portions of my life would involve waving torches to fend off wolves.

The mos eisley cantina music is deceptively playful. It's actually quite scary in there

Do you think the Count from Sesame Street loves eternity because it means he never has to stop counting or does he hate eternity because it renders all numbers meaningless?

We all have that one friend who says "caw! caw!" and then snatches a hot dog off your plate and flies away

[shouted over club noise] I said frog & toad are friends

Worst part of wedding photography is reminding people that not every Charlie's Angel had a gun

NO. I don't want my "money back." I want "all of the other problems in my life that caused me to blow up over a coffee order to be solved.”

When I get distracted and irritated by the rain outside, I like to put my headphones on and set my white noise app to a little setting I like to call '96% rain, 4% birds.' Now I am in control of my life.

Would like to calmly and politely bring up a UI issue that occurs when using a Wacom pen, and is ruining every aspect of my life.

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don't you take a "how to eat sandwiches without choking" course?

Hey B, it's B. Look I know we have this thing later and I hope this isn't weird but EXACTLY how tall will your hat be?

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again. "What good is she to anyone?" it says.

For the absolute last time: I *never* said I thought E.T. dressed in the wig and the dress was sexy, I said *I could see why people would think that*

I mean, sure. People are inevitably going to be asking AI who they should vote for. But at least they also keep flooding us with over-sharpened videos of sexy, bored women in space costumes whose limbs constantly phase through their torsos.

i’ve tried a lot of different chess strategies but the one i’ve found most effective is swallowing your opponent’s pieces when they aren’t looking

One thing all philosophers agree on is that the human body is basically a car and the brain is a little guy driving it around

What we have here is failure to communicate. No, hang on. Ok, no. It's a dog. Sorry, I didn't see the tail. What we have here is a dog.

let sisyphus borrow my phone and now my whole feed looks like this

[AI guy watching the animatronic band at Chuck E. Cheese wiggle around while “Octopus’s Garden” plays over the speakers on stage] Fascinating... outstanding… this raises the question: how long before human bands are replaced entirely by this technology? Are we already there? We just may be.

My goal in weight loss is ultimately to take up as little space in this physical dimension as possible - hence my my vision board covered in unfulfilled, lifeless spirits from popular media. Pac-Man, etc.

I miss him so much. It's like I see him everywhere I go

There are two types of people: Apple heads and deer heads. Wait. No, that’s chihuahuas. That’s the two types of chihuahua. Not sure if people can be apple heads or deer heads. Sorry

Welcome to Burger King. We just finished wilting a batch of wet lettuce. Go to hell. Here is a stray, free onion ring. Choke on it and die.