oh you're hanging out with friends again?? ok well.. enjoy your echo chamber. i will be out with my enemies having a productive and intellectually enriching night of angrily stating and restating our standpoints on today's most important issues

The prices are going up because groceries are getting better

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

there's so much bad in the world but there's also people who lift up and carry an elderly bat around every day so he can pretend he's flying again, and that's the part of the world I think is worth fighting for

If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.

Damn, girl. You must be a Blu-ray copy of “Babe: Pig in the City” because I can’t take my eyes off your special features.

Thanks to technology, bananas are becoming obsolete as pretend phones. The future belongs to the Pop-Tart.

The person next to me on the train is staring at my phone screen so let me take this opportunity to say “Strip Law is a very good show” to two audiences simultaneously.

What a time to be alive (derogatory)

You know that little voice in your head that says "You're not good at anything”? That's you. So you ARE good. At hurtful ventriloquism.

Just had a free app tell me I need to give them money so they can keep it free. Makes sense. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to buy a few free tacos for lunch. You know. To keep them free.

while you were studying the blade, I was also studying the blade. we have the same blade exam and I want to do well.

its amazing how chatgpt knows everything about subjects I know nothing about, but is wrong like 40% of the time in things im an expert on. not going to think about this any further

Allow me to make this purchase decision easier for you.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee's Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you.

Let’s be honest: in many of these winter Olympic “sports”, the snow is doing most of the work. An unexpected thaw would expose these so-called athletes for the frauds they are

Pouring your blood sweat and tears into your work? Dude. No. That’s important stuff. It is supposed to be inside you. That’s your stuff.

As a society, we do not spend enough time talking about the 1978 homemade Star Wars parody, Hardware Wars

idea i had

I carry a great big Karate Tournament Runner-Up trophy with me everywhere I go. The trophy itself deters most regular gangs from attacking me, while the lowly status of the trophy ensures that karate gangs would gain no honour from defeating me.

I was really hoping going back to school would involve pranking the Dean and keg stands but so far it’s just dying inside as everyone turns in blatantly obvious ChatGPT output for our group assignments.

I recommend this book to anyone who owns a Lakhovsky Multiple Wave Oscillator

Merry Christmas! So glad you remembered to do that small important task at work before the break. You DID do it, right? Oh god are you sure?

been going down this waterslide for over an hour now and i'm starting to get worried

cowboy who stubbed his toe:

Well sir, we'll do our best to find your dog but we have to be realistic. This town has nineteen peanut butter factories, all VERY haunted.

Could a person with depression do this?! (grimly goes about activities of daily living)

*slams fist on table*

insanely good thing to say when you enter a room

If you and I are still single in 200 years let's agree to haunt a Burger King as a singular entity.

Take your kids to the science museum where they can learn about plasma balls and touch screens with JavaScript errors on them.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but lasagna is basically kind of a flat, squashed up square spaghetti but not tubes.

Them: “You’re in charge of the playlist this Christmas.” Me: “👍”

baby who has only had mushy peas, trying mushy carrots: getting a lot of mushy peas vibes from this…

"Bird seed" is actually somewhat of a misnomer, as anyone can eat the seed.

As an adult I've had fewer yabadabadoo times than the Flintstones led me to believe would be the case

A lot of writers talk about their greatest fear being the empty page but to me that’s nothing compared to mummies

Please don't reply to my posts with facts I am trying to be an idiot

Briefly considered posting something political and topical but then I got the idea for ‘Moon Rustlers’, a series of novellas in which a lone cowboy named Colton McKittrick melts down silver bullets into gauntlets so he can punch werewolves to death.

Dreams don’t mean anything. How could they? They’re always the same thing. You’re in sixth grade and you try to impress your crush by showing her your homemade nunchucks and she laughs at you. Complete nonsense. I mean, it did actually happen but it doesn’t MEAN anything.

Every once in awhile, beneath the fruit in one of those fruit-on-the-bottom yogurts, there should be a secret passageway to a series of forgotten catacombs.

HEADSTONE: I don’t know, man… I tried.

Hear me out: six factor authentication

Massive, glaring continuity errors in this movie

Boxers sometimes seem so confused and annoyed when the other fella punches them. What did you think was going to happen, champ? He's been talking about doing this for weeks. He's put his special punching gloves on for it.

The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job

You get a little jaded at this job sometimes but when you see a grandma’s face light up the first time she learns about vertical farming… those moments stay with you.

trying to explain to an alien that you can make a stinky face when music is bad but it’s also normal to do so when it’s good