I always carry a piece of paper in my pocket just in case someone ever tries to attack me with a rock

"I'll have the All Day Breakfast" I said. "Sounds fun" I said. That was 5 hours ago, there are 3 hours to go, I can't manage another sausage. Please, end this now. Help

[willem dafoe unprompted] now, this cookie monster. [toothy smile] what a creature, what a lust. it consumes him. [crosses legs] he’s really a tragic figure.

I personally think Elon Musk becoming a trillionaire is a good thing. He's worked hard and deserves to have accrued the equivalent of >$2m for every single hour of his life. This is a perfectly normal thing and the fact that people die because they can't access clean drinking water is irrelevant

First time I ever "had coffee" was at her house, after our third date. Genuinely life changing moment. Second time I had coffee, I got banned from Starbucks

The Matrix but Neo takes the other pill & forgets everything. We follow a day in his mundane life: goes to work, gets in trouble with a manager for something that really wasn't his fault, has a pretty good sandwich for lunch, goes home, watches a surprisingly interesting documentary on baskets

I think some phrases need modernising to account for inflation, but that's just my 10 pence worth

I firmly believe that if you are in the sign printing business then you are obligated to check the grammar before printing

A dead goose is called a ghoost

[2000] Me: Oh my god, there's been a murder on the dancefloor Sophie Ellis-Bextor: *starting to hum a tune* murder on the dancefloor... Me: Are you singing? What? SEB: But you better not kill the groove! Me: SEB: DJ, gonna burn this goddamn house right down! Me: Someone's dead

You can live a very healthy* lifestyle by eating crisps for every meal. I am living** proof * My doctor disagrees ** My doctor says this might not last

On your 18th birthday this dude in a trenchcoat starts walking alongside you and says "psst, kid, there's no rule that a serving of biscuits is 2. It's a lie adults tell kids. You can eat as many as you like" and then he disappears

Had a fever dream about cream cheese. Absolutely dairy lea-us

Werner Herzog voice: And this man, Joe, known for his Cotton Eye, where did he come from? And, perhaps more importantly for our story, where did he go?

Werner Herzog voice: And this man, Joe, known for his Cotton Eye, where did he come from? And, perhaps more importantly for our story, where did he go?

The song "Cotton Eyed Joe" raises more questions about the eponymous protagonist than it answers

Broke chatGPT by asking it to reroute its own encryptions

I'm *puts the phone to my ear* old

I remember seeing or hearing a talk once where the bloke or woman said how paying attention was important (or something like that). Changed my life.

Was down at the aquarium, yeah, and this guy knighted a long fish. Sir eel

Reviews of Wonka's factory ⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ "Fun tour, loved the Oompa Loompas" ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ "DELICIOUS! Chocolate river - WHAT?! Mind blown" ⭐☆☆☆☆ "Turned me into a fucking blueberry"

Yes I know them, we went to Twitter together.

is it a bird is it a plane is it the loss of my ability to recognize everyday objects

Your friendly reminder that Starbucks is an anagram of bra's stuck

I pronounce baguette with a soft g because I went to France once

A beautiful woman keeps calling and saying, “This is an attempt to collect a debt.” I hear you. A debt of love

UK productivity up 25%- Analysts put it down to huge reductions in screen time and a 100,000x increase in the sales of "printed material of an adult nature"

Every Nigel is an asshole and also British.

Sea level rise is inescapable. If people weren't prepared to listen to Busted's prophecy (and absolute bop) Year 3000, they're not gonna listen to Extinction Rebellion or Greta Thunberg

Unpopular opinion, but I feel sorry for Nigel Farage. I mean, imagine waking up every single morning and remembering that you're Nigel Farage

There is a cure for buffetphobia, but first you’ve got to want to help yourself.

You are in a room. There are clowns to the left of you. There are jokers to the right. > Move forward. You cannot move forward. You are stuck in the middle of the room.

Went for 2 runs this week and I'm still fat. This shit is bullshit shit

Tried to get one of those wraps that they put on cars but the man said they can't put it on a person. Seems illegal

It is said that it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert in any given field. At the age of 42 I am, without doubt, an expert supermarket shopper

The 1975 is music for people who don't like music

Whale teens be like Netflix n krill?

Ice Cube: You can do it, put your ass into it Me: I'm over 40, put my back out doin it

what a humiliating way for don jr. to find out his dad sends birthday cards.

(trying to explain "fuck, marry, kill" to a black widow spider) no it's *three different* guys

If you find anything discarded outside a house it is best to assume it is cursed. Unless it's a burrito. Then you should just eat it

I'm not buying secondhand shit off the internet unless it specifically says "genuine reason for sale". I'm no idiot

Every fourth woman used to be tiny. Not anymore, thanks to woke

A snake is just a long gorilla - Charles Darwin

The fact that the inside of your cheek or your lip swells when you bite it, making it easier to bite again, is proof that god does not exist

i’ve fused roles played by the same actor: thread

AI? I think you mean An I, or don't you care about grammar?

Jesus moves in mysterious ways. It's so his footsteps don't attract sandworms

RFK Jr joined the fight on deadly diseases on the side of deadly diseases.

i call my boyfriends “contempt” & “board” cuz sometimes im beneath contempt & other times im above board heyoooooooo