You can zoo it, Put giraffes into it

First time skiing today. Wife (long time skier) said I did fine but I'm too stiff. I asked if she was sure and she said, and I quote "trust me, you're not the first stiff man I've had to deal with"

About now is the correct time to start cooking your sprouts for Christmas 2026

Interesting fruit fact: kiwi is the only fruit with wee in it

What's the best film about people buying a zoo?

A very merry Christmas to one and all. Except the twats

The Christmas photos my daughter took of me and my wife make me look fat and old, and seeing as I AM NEITHER I'm not releasing them

Already failed dry January

Watching Indiana Jones as an academic and I've got some questions. Well, they're more comments than questions

If you are under the impression that Shakespeare is still alive, then I've got some bard news

Watching Indiana Jones with my son after a career deeply connected to academia, and I can tell you EXACTLY what would happen if an academic found themselves in a fight situation, and it's not that

Sometimes I go really far for a joke. Some times, even Morse-so.

Sex puns are b'low me

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but this Christmas, due to inflation, my heart is £23.76

Buble absolutely losing his shit because the Christmas is jolly but it's not holly

Michael MacIntyre's The Wheel, but the wheel in question is the medieval torture device The Breaking Wheel and celebrities get broken if they get questions wrong. I'd watch that

My wife: You've been a naughty boy, you need to be punished Me: I have, I have! My wife: *Rips off mask to reveal she is Santa*

I love bin day - all through the week I diligently segregate my waste and place it in the appropriate containers ready for collection. On the big day itself, the bin men turn up, yeet the bags approximately near the bin lorry (50% collected, 50% on the floor) and then fuck off. An excellent system

Hello, Karma Police. What? Slow down! We can't just arrest....HE BUZZES LIKE A FRIDGE?! We're on our way *siren sounds*

Me: Oh man, I love the eighties! My grandparents: We have names

Personally think the Spice Girls could've spent less time affirming that they were going to tell us what they wanted and more time clarifying what it was that they wanted

As an adult I've had fewer yabadabadoo times than the Flintstones led me to believe would be the case

Volcanoes aren't perfect. The flaw is lava

Me: I know life's important lessons. I never put all my eggs in the same basket. I'm known as 12 Baskets Jeff down at the grocery store. Clerk: We call you "the basket moron" Me: That's right, [a single tear rolls down my cheek] 12 baskets Jeff...

“David, who shall we invite to the wedding?” “Bono. Ono. Eno.” “I love you, you unstoppable conceptual bastard.”

they call me Captain Pedantic, although technically i'm not a captain

Words containing "meow" Meow Meows Meowed Homeowners Meowing

Nothing can prepare you for the disappointment you feel on discovering that a Venus Fly Trap is too small to help you dispose of the corpse.

Hey team, welcome back to "Maths time" with me, your boy Pythagoras. Today I've got a sweet hack for calculating the side lengths of triangles. WHAT?! OMG!!! Don't forget to subscribe and SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON! Triangles? More like KNOWangles! Amirite???

As far as I can tell a huge amount of "influencers" are people who didn't pay attention at school telling other people who didn't pay attention at school stuff that they would've learned if they'd paid attention at school. Wish I hadn't paid attention, now I might be rich

*Ahem* not everything needs to be Biscoff

Making a podcast about how to write kids' books for celebrities

I cannot think of a situation that requires Five Guys. Five guys is too many guys

I used to write amazing monkey puns but I've gibbon up

It's T. Hanks Giving Day! 115 years since Tom Hanks invented America! On this special day, Tom Hanks sneaks into every house and leaves a copy of one of his DVDs to celebrate. Good girls and boys will be hoping for Philadelphia or Forrest Gump, and not Angels & Demons

Moving back from the country due to a previously undiagnosed peach allergy

Moving back from the country due to a previously undiagnosed peach allergy

idiot guy: i'm like the wolf i'm stalking my prey alone through the forest and being raw as fuck even if i'm in a group i'm the alpha actual wolf: i love my friends so much!!! i love to romp and kiss my bros and work together as a family <3 awooo etc etc have you seen the puppies oh my god come see

[argument at thanksgiving dinner] wife: *whispering to me* don’t start taking sides this time me: why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* they're too busy yelling to notice

The definitive article is difficult to master for non-native speakers, but it's vitally important. Some examples: Watching Bluey Vs watching a bluey "This is the shit" Vs "this is a shit"

I'm book Picasso place the it's reading a and about all over

Pigs in blankets. Aw, sounds cute. Unless you're a pig. In which case it's your macerated innards, squeezed into your intestines, wrapped in a layer of your back. Sounds like a medieval torture technique

On a bus to the airport. It's destination is the airport. The next and final stop is the airport. The bus is full of people going to the airport. One of the passengers just pressed the stop button to inform the driver that they would like the bus to stop at the airport

Shout out to all the heroes complaining that the new legislation to stop reselling of tickets at inflated prices "stifles entrepreneurship"

You can't just make fish and herb puns willy nilly, there's a thyme and plaice

Smurf 911: Smurf 911, which service do you require? Smurf: We need a smurf, there's been a smurf Smurf 911: Uh Smurf: SEND THE DAMN SMURF, THERE'S SMURF EVERYWHERE

Describing something as being on its last legs implies that legs are expendable and they are lost with age. I can only assume, therefore, that the phrase was coined by millipedes. Millipedes do not shed legs with age, but they could afford to lose a few. Imagine a 3 legged millipede...

People say Chat GPT isn't intelligent but it refused to create an image based on my prompt "laddy donglegs", so I reckon it's got something going on

Silly rabbit, don't you know, there's no such thing as Mark Ruffalo?

I know which one I'm ticking.