Roses are red Violets are too I think I might be colour blind

Roses are red, Violets are red, Everything is red BLOOOOD

Your mom just texted me a shopping list, which means she sent your dad the text meant for me. Go check on him. He might need a sit down

Me: Happy anniversary darling. Thank you for an amazing 15 years, and for giving me the two most amazing children Wife: We have three children Me: The two most amazing children and Steve

Kudos to whoever tagged the prison on Google Maps as the region's hardest escape room

Bruce Spring-clean. Is that something?

The climate has to want to change

The fact that Leonard Cohen heard of this "secret chord" means that one of David or The Lord is a snitch

Me: You couldn't make it up Stephen King and Pixar look at each other knowingly, a seed is formed.

thursday

It's not the hope that kills you, it's almost always oxygen failing to reach vital organs, primarily the brain

Just heard someone refer to a TV program as "one of those where you like it or you don't"

sometimes, if you’re up early enough, you can hear them turn the birds on

The thing people don't realise is just how much billionaires have sacrificed to become that successful. Obviously, ya know, it's not THEIR sacrifice, but some people have had to sacrifice A LOT

The last 2 nights I've told the kids I'm working and they've left me alone and I now understand what is meant by working a 70h week

It's important to have a rewarding hobby. Mine is writing deliberately ambiguous maths questions on social media and watching people lose their shit in the comments

Saw a dead skunk in the most random place. Doesn't make any scents

Who you voting for in the superbowel? My bestest team is the New Junkland Discopants

Corn is short for cornography

Imagine dating a curler and finding that their floor wasn't swept well

It's pronounced "the wintolympics"

Chat, GP, tea describes how old people* spend their Mondays *Me

Businesses need to stop asking me to "invite friends". This discriminates against people who don't have friends. Not me, I have lots of friends. You don't know them, but they are all friends with me and they think I'm good and we're just the best friends

I reckon Snoop Dogg is having the most fun

Desperately trying to get the party started because Pink's coming up

me: *opens door* pantry: *sounds of an ancient evil* me: *closes door* pantry: (muffled now) hey come on

If you play me at Connect 4 then know that I'm declaring a win after connecting 3 - that's 75% man, and scoring 75% in anything is a massive overachievement for me

Top 3 Groundhog Day movies: 1) Groundhog Day 1) Groundhog Day 1) Groundhog Day 1) Groundhog Day

please👏do👏not👏wear👏a👏hoodie👏if👏you👏aren't👏committed👏to👏making👏the👏hoodie👏strings👏the👏same👏length👏

Most important game of the year

Ferbruary #oldknees

Ah man, my tokens have been absolutely fungibled

People complain about women commenting on football. Why is that making you mad? Your anger should be directed at the Homes Under the Hammer guy. GET BACK IN YOUR LANE, DION, WE'RE DISCUSSING SPURS' AWFUL DEFENSIVE RECORD, NOT THE LOFT CONVERSION POTENTIAL OF A 1930's MID-TERRACE IN SCUNTHORPE

Caught my wife in bed with an abstract artist. He said "it's not what it looks like"

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board? Me: I am a Dr Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa Me: Ah. I'm afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 - 1701

Judge: And the case for the defence? Me: M'lud, I have but one question: what about Breakfast at Tiffany's?

I've created an AI bot to swipe right on dating apps for me. I'm saving so much time

Paul Rudd doesn't age. And that's because in his attic is a portrait. And that portrait also doesn't age. What the hell man

It was unnecessary of you to shout "you've got those MOOBS like Jagger"

I've got them moves like Jagger* *falls over, breaks hip

Jaws, but from the shark's perspective

A documentary about Werner Herzog, filmed and narrated by Werner Herzog

*werner herzog voice* hamburger will never help you

Do you reckon the sea ever gets tired?

Bill Pullman's Independence Day speech, but the Donald Trump version

How come I know what camouflage looks like but I've never seen normal flage

The art of the deal: Me: I would like some money Them: Sorry, we aren't going to give you any money Me: Then I will burn down your house Them: Please don't do that, here's $1 million Me: I am a negotiating genius

Morelike BORED of peace amirite

There is a proportional relationship between people who walk too slowly and people who stop in very inconsiderate places