I can't tell you whether the world is a better or worse place after the invention of the vape. I can tell you that I now know what another man's candyfloss flavoured lung guff tastes like

Went to vote and there was no box that said Nigel Farrage for President and that's why I know it's rigged

The 4th of May is upon you

The first lesson in any "English as a foreign language" class should focus entirely on the difference between: This is shit This is a shit This is the shit

Interviewer: What's your biggest weakness? Me: Wanking whilst wearing my wife's underwear Interviewer: Me: Interviewer: Me too Me: MY WIFE? YOU BASTARD *a fight ensues. It evolves into kissing. I get the job*

"what if the wind doesn't blow?!" What if someone closes the travel route your oil depends on?

Which sport / activity looks the most pathetic when learning but is cool as hell when you're proficient? Honourable mentions for skipping and parkour

Which sport / activity looks the most pathetic when learning but is cool as hell when you're proficient? Honourable mentions for skipping and parkour

My friend kept burning his tortilla. I asked "have you tried turning it often Juan?"

Get behind me, Satan. CONGA!

A makeup contest at a campsite would be pretty in tents

Watching the Big / Dig / Pig trilogy. Really doesn't make much aense

No offense but why would you decide to go big if the other option is to go home

Got a warning from my boss for smelling of alcohol at work. Screw you, guy, you'd smell of alcohol too if you'd drunk as much as me for breakfast

Caution: room is rapidly filling with ramen

A careless whisper is a shout

If you ask me to perform Riverdance I will (Michael) Flatley refuse

Man. Person. Camera. Jesus. Doctor.

Should be part of his next test.

“Happy as a clam” makes some incredible assumptions re: clam psychology

You may not like my use of contractions but it's what it's

Started dressing like your dad. Cos that's the job I want - banging your mom

I'm no international negotiator, but have they tried getting celebrities to sing "Imagine"?

Not sure about the new Star Wars.

Tried pitching a grittier British "How I Met Your Mother" but apparently "shenanigans behind the Wandsworth Tesco Metro" isn't wholesome enough content for the BBC

I'm not particularly pro-vape, but it's made honking on my crack pipe much easier in public

This? Oh, it's just my crack flavoured vape

Why is it that only cheese requires a monger?

I've been perfecting the Art of the Deal. Step 1: I kick you in the balls Step 2: You give me £1m otherwise I burn your house down

Whilst millions of peaches, peaches for free, sounds great on the face of it, without a rudimentary canning plant you're looking at hundreds of thousands of peaches being wasted through spoilage. Sad

Please be more specific when you announce He Has Risen. I thought you meant Cthulhu

Don't forget the true meaning of Easter - Jesus fucking loved eggs

Cost of fuel is so high I couldn't afford diesel yesterday so I had to.use unleaded instead

It's sad that the war will escalate the prices of many things for consumers, but you must remember that giant corporations have to maintain their massive profits, and that really is the most important thing xxx

That'd be a Gregg kite

Death is about to get one hell of an ass whooping. RIP Chuck

Depending on your location in the English speaking world you might be celebrating today with your Mum, Mam or Mom. Happy Mother's day to the Mims and Mems

No carbs before Marbs No gluten before Luton

Good job your body knows what it's doing. Imagine you're having a busy day and forget to operate your spleen. Imagine having to know what a spleen does

Bought a Kazakh pedometer so I could get my steppes in

Foolproof hack for avoiding speeding tickets - drive at the speed limit

Foolproof hack for making your boss think you're working from home - do your work

At the start of the year I changed my whole attitude to money and it has completely changed my life! I adopted the mindset of wealth. I made decisions that wealthy people make, hung out with the rich, bought the best. And now my life is beyond anything I could've imagined - absolutely bankrupt

Oil prices rising dramatically may have a significant effect on your cost of living, but remember that some people are making a LOT more money, so hopefully that's some comfort

Where do I see myself in 5 years? Purely on probability I'm saying supermarket or on the toilet

Jenny is the real hero in Forrest Gump - spends her life screwing over a billionaire

Heard you were the kind of person who gives 5 star reviews that say "haven't used it yet"

The big orange guy from Fantastic 4? The hand dude from t'Addam's fam? The John Carpenter Arctic beast? Meatloaf would do ANY of them for love