Gotta love British politics. Try explaining to a foreigner why the man who was the MP is now standing to be an MP and his opponent is an alien with a bin for a head

In solidarity with Nigel Farrage I have quit my job in the midst of an investigation into my conduct. I will reapply for my job when it is advertised. Sticking two fingers up to the establishment!

And next on "You Bet" we have Gwen Stefani who says she can name the primary constituent of faeces using only 2 senses

Introducing Prime's "English as a foreign language course". By the end of the course you will be able to understand, with confidence, the difference between This is shit This is a shit This is the shit

250 years since Will Smith killed all them aliens

250 years since Will Smith killed all them aliens

Genuine text conversation with my wife: Wife: can you pick up a parcel from the shop? Me: anything for you X Wife: no, they're shoes for your son Me: not what I meant Wife: oh, we need milk and eggs

You get one wish to acquire a skill. But the caveat is that it has to be really quite mundane and very specific. What are you going with? Mine would be the ability to pick up a puzzle piece and immediately place it, but only when it's someone else's puzzle

Fixed the vaccum cleaner today. No idea how - classic "take apart, put back together" fix. What did I tell my wife? "Rerouted the encryptions on the flux capacitor". Please don't ruin this for me

There are several flags in the Norway flag.

Wife: No, I don't want to go to a Star Wars themed sex party. Ew Me: First off it's Star TREK and secondly it's called a Borgy

My reasons for learning origami are to fold

My decision to buy a three-pack of ice creams and consume them all was on the basis of unit economics alone, not greed

The most secretive of bushes is the privet

You wouldn't get into a bath that contained a dead body* but you would get into the sea and that definitely contains dead bodies. Which means that, unbeknownst to you, you have a "dead bodies parts per million" concentration that you're comfortable to bathe with *probably

Daily reminder that male echidnas have a four headed penis, females have no nipples and their babies are called puggles

Cartoon: With thanks to @pessimusprime.bsky.social for the joke! LessSFW version on my Patreon.

There's no word for "virgin" in Klingon. If you speak Klingon, it's implied

Wife: No, I don't want to go to a Star Wars themed sex party. Ew Me: First off it's Star TREK and secondly it's called a Borgy

The party doesn't start until Ke$ha walks in, but I've got to get the party started before P!NK arrives and, yet, I'm not sure P!NK and Ke$ha frequent the same parties. Help

YOU’RE LISTENING TO SISYPHUS FM, THE HOME OF NON-STOP ROCK

I can't tell you whether the world is a better or worse place after the invention of the vape. I can tell you that I now know what another man's candyfloss flavoured lung guff tastes like

Went to vote and there was no box that said Nigel Farrage for President and that's why I know it's rigged

The 4th of May is upon you

The first lesson in any "English as a foreign language" class should focus entirely on the difference between: This is shit This is a shit This is the shit

Interviewer: What's your biggest weakness? Me: Wanking whilst wearing my wife's underwear Interviewer: Me: Interviewer: Me too Me: MY WIFE? YOU BASTARD *a fight ensues. It evolves into kissing. I get the job*

"what if the wind doesn't blow?!" What if someone closes the travel route your oil depends on?

Which sport / activity looks the most pathetic when learning but is cool as hell when you're proficient? Honourable mentions for skipping and parkour

Which sport / activity looks the most pathetic when learning but is cool as hell when you're proficient? Honourable mentions for skipping and parkour

My friend kept burning his tortilla. I asked "have you tried turning it often Juan?"

Get behind me, Satan. CONGA!

A makeup contest at a campsite would be pretty in tents

Watching the Big / Dig / Pig trilogy. Really doesn't make much aense

No offense but why would you decide to go big if the other option is to go home

Got a warning from my boss for smelling of alcohol at work. Screw you, guy, you'd smell of alcohol too if you'd drunk as much as me for breakfast

Caution: room is rapidly filling with ramen

A careless whisper is a shout

If you ask me to perform Riverdance I will (Michael) Flatley refuse

Man. Person. Camera. Jesus. Doctor.

Should be part of his next test.

“Happy as a clam” makes some incredible assumptions re: clam psychology

You may not like my use of contractions but it's what it's

Started dressing like your dad. Cos that's the job I want - banging your mom

I'm no international negotiator, but have they tried getting celebrities to sing "Imagine"?

Not sure about the new Star Wars.

Tried pitching a grittier British "How I Met Your Mother" but apparently "shenanigans behind the Wandsworth Tesco Metro" isn't wholesome enough content for the BBC

I'm not particularly pro-vape, but it's made honking on my crack pipe much easier in public

This? Oh, it's just my crack flavoured vape

Why is it that only cheese requires a monger?