Please be more specific when you announce He Has Risen. I thought you meant Cthulhu

Don't forget the true meaning of Easter - Jesus fucking loved eggs

Cost of fuel is so high I couldn't afford diesel yesterday so I had to.use unleaded instead

It's sad that the war will escalate the prices of many things for consumers, but you must remember that giant corporations have to maintain their massive profits, and that really is the most important thing xxx

That'd be a Gregg kite

Death is about to get one hell of an ass whooping. RIP Chuck

Depending on your location in the English speaking world you might be celebrating today with your Mum, Mam or Mom. Happy Mother's day to the Mims and Mems

No carbs before Marbs No gluten before Luton

Good job your body knows what it's doing. Imagine you're having a busy day and forget to operate your spleen. Imagine having to know what a spleen does

Bought a Kazakh pedometer so I could get my steppes in

Foolproof hack for avoiding speeding tickets - drive at the speed limit

Foolproof hack for making your boss think you're working from home - do your work

At the start of the year I changed my whole attitude to money and it has completely changed my life! I adopted the mindset of wealth. I made decisions that wealthy people make, hung out with the rich, bought the best. And now my life is beyond anything I could've imagined - absolutely bankrupt

Oil prices rising dramatically may have a significant effect on your cost of living, but remember that some people are making a LOT more money, so hopefully that's some comfort

Where do I see myself in 5 years? Purely on probability I'm saying supermarket or on the toilet

Jenny is the real hero in Forrest Gump - spends her life screwing over a billionaire

Heard you were the kind of person who gives 5 star reviews that say "haven't used it yet"

The big orange guy from Fantastic 4? The hand dude from t'Addam's fam? The John Carpenter Arctic beast? Meatloaf would do ANY of them for love

There is a special place in hell for people who answer questions on Amazon with "I don't know"

If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.

Goonies never say."die"* *Except for the German Goonies

Did I see the super moon? Super? I'll tell you what I saw, I saw a moon that's getting a little bit too big for its boots considering the lack of competition

The enduring question from the John Wick universe is whether the dress code for the operators is mandatory? And whether the role only appeals to people who already conform to that aesthetic or whether it's imparted upon new employees as part of the induction process

Gonna write a kids book. We need more kids' books. It's gonna be about a YouTuber. Who uses AI. To make a podcast. About Minecraft. Out of Lego

The Jimmy in Jimmy Eat World was the 90's Northern English go-to actor Jimmy Nail

If Shakespeare was so good how come he didn't write Biodome

Had to quit my PhD investigated the biochemical changes of female gametes in response to male. Ova simulating

You couldn't make Blazing Saddles in 2026 because that would be plagiarism and copyright infringement

You couldn't build a city on rock and roll any more because of the evolution of the planning process

There's a parallel universe where Jesus turns wine into water. He is NOT popular

There's a parallel universe where everything is the same except that Clive is a VERY popular name

In a parallel universe everything is the same but the Fresh Prince grew up in East Philadelphia

You reckon it's safe for Will Smith to go back to West Philadelphia yet or nah?

Grand Old Duke of York: Gonna need 10,000 men King: Sure, what for? GODOY: We're gonna go up a hill. And then... King: And then...? GODOY: *Deep breath*

Oh, the grand old duke of york He ██████████████████ He ██████████████████ And he ██████████████████

Should've been called A Quiet Place Too

I think it's good that a bit of card with a Pokémon printed on it sold for $16m. Unrelated, here are some sad emojis that explain how I feel about children dying because they don't have access to clean drinking water 😭😔

Roses are red Violets are too I think I might be colour blind

Roses are red, Violets are red, Everything is red BLOOOOD

Your mom just texted me a shopping list, which means she sent your dad the text meant for me. Go check on him. He might need a sit down

Me: Happy anniversary darling. Thank you for an amazing 15 years, and for giving me the two most amazing children Wife: We have three children Me: The two most amazing children and Steve

Kudos to whoever tagged the prison on Google Maps as the region's hardest escape room

Bruce Spring-clean. Is that something?

The climate has to want to change

The fact that Leonard Cohen heard of this "secret chord" means that one of David or The Lord is a snitch

Me: You couldn't make it up Stephen King and Pixar look at each other knowingly, a seed is formed.

thursday

It's not the hope that kills you, it's almost always oxygen failing to reach vital organs, primarily the brain