Was down at the aquarium, yeah, and this guy knighted a long fish. Sir eel

Reviews of Wonka's factory ⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ "Fun tour, loved the Oompa Loompas" ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ "DELICIOUS! Chocolate river - WHAT?! Mind blown" ⭐☆☆☆☆ "Turned me into a fucking blueberry"

Yes I know them, we went to Twitter together.

is it a bird is it a plane is it the loss of my ability to recognize everyday objects

Your friendly reminder that Starbucks is an anagram of bra's stuck

I pronounce baguette with a soft g because I went to France once

A beautiful woman keeps calling and saying, “This is an attempt to collect a debt.” I hear you. A debt of love

UK productivity up 25%- Analysts put it down to huge reductions in screen time and a 100,000x increase in the sales of "printed material of an adult nature"

Every Nigel is an asshole and also British.

Sea level rise is inescapable. If people weren't prepared to listen to Busted's prophecy (and absolute bop) Year 3000, they're not gonna listen to Extinction Rebellion or Greta Thunberg

Unpopular opinion, but I feel sorry for Nigel Farage. I mean, imagine waking up every single morning and remembering that you're Nigel Farage

There is a cure for buffetphobia, but first you’ve got to want to help yourself.

You are in a room. There are clowns to the left of you. There are jokers to the right. > Move forward. You cannot move forward. You are stuck in the middle of the room.

Went for 2 runs this week and I'm still fat. This shit is bullshit shit

Tried to get one of those wraps that they put on cars but the man said they can't put it on a person. Seems illegal

It is said that it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert in any given field. At the age of 42 I am, without doubt, an expert supermarket shopper

The 1975 is music for people who don't like music

Whale teens be like Netflix n krill?

Ice Cube: You can do it, put your ass into it Me: I'm over 40, put my back out doin it

what a humiliating way for don jr. to find out his dad sends birthday cards.

(trying to explain "fuck, marry, kill" to a black widow spider) no it's *three different* guys

If you find anything discarded outside a house it is best to assume it is cursed. Unless it's a burrito. Then you should just eat it

I'm not buying secondhand shit off the internet unless it specifically says "genuine reason for sale". I'm no idiot

Every fourth woman used to be tiny. Not anymore, thanks to woke

A snake is just a long gorilla - Charles Darwin

The fact that the inside of your cheek or your lip swells when you bite it, making it easier to bite again, is proof that god does not exist

i’ve fused roles played by the same actor: thread

AI? I think you mean An I, or don't you care about grammar?

Jesus moves in mysterious ways. It's so his footsteps don't attract sandworms

RFK Jr joined the fight on deadly diseases on the side of deadly diseases.

i call my boyfriends “contempt” & “board” cuz sometimes im beneath contempt & other times im above board heyoooooooo

Actually, Frankenstein is a doctor success at the Venice film festival

I've got a joke about Picasso but over the all it's place

I've got a joke about Picasso but over the all it's place

I've got a joke about Salvador Dali but it's *melting clock noises*

accountant: we need to talk about the bottom line optometrist: what

Face down, Ass up, That my friends, Is a feeding duck

Slug operator: Slug 911, what's your emergency? Slug caller: Oh my god, it's my slugsband, he's been assaulted Slug operator: A-salt-ed? Ha ha ha Slug caller: OMG! Ha ha ha ha Slug operator: Slug caller: ...seriously though, it's horrific

Imagine getting duped by chickpeas

One of the best things about the internet is that you can just make shit up. It's one of the reasons I invented it

Cycled under an electricity pylon today and got an electric shock (like a static shock) when I touched the frame. My wife and son experienced the same. Unexpected

MO NING HAS BROKEN R

One of the best things about the internet is that you can just make shit up. It's one of the reasons I invented it

(nodding) night corn

Hi, "unprecedented call volumes" is a temporary situation. If your autoresponse ALWAYS says "unprecedented call volumes" then they're the opposite of unprecedented

my children very politely asked if they could just please read their own books tonight rather than listen to me read. which is fine btw. it's only been every night for 9 years. with voices. some people might mind but not me. GOOD voices too, with real drama. but it's fine of course,

Art is my passion

A friend came to visit from Norway and bought the kids some chocolate. That's actually an incredibly selfish act - normally I eat the kids' chocolate and replace it Am I supposed to go to fucking Norway after eating this delicious gift? HOW RUDE

Top.tip: never date a therapist. I did, cost me $2000 to end it Me: I think we should split up Her: Ok. How does that make you feel? Me: What? Her: I think we need to explore this in detail

Me: I've written a screenplay for a film where a kid makes a wish to be an adult and wakes up as Tom Hanks Pal: Dude, that's Big Me: Big? Dude, I think it could be massive