Go ferral. You deserve it.

Starting a new show sucks. Who are these people

Time to stop being a dysfunctional dumpster lama .... kidding!

Why do 90% of all medicine sound like cool wizard names?

Mayonnaise is basically just lotion for your bread

Turns out you can just buy & eat a birthday cake whenever you want to. No one checks.

What if my systems are nervous

Me: but the voices just won't stop Therapist: Those are people. They're allowed to talk

Drinking large quantities of water helps you avoid other people's drama Because you're always peeing Stay hydrated

Adult friendships are hard because everyone is really really tired

You okay babe? You hardly said cows when we were passing a field of cows

"Wait five minutes for your food to cool before you start eating" Me: no

"I like your personality" Me: Thanks, it's a disorder.

Society: be yourself Society: not like that

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

"Do you like dinosaurs? Yes or no? (A five year old speed dating on the playground)

Well well well, if it isntthe feelings I supressed five months ago

Don't worry, everything will be okay. Or it won't. Definitely one of those two.

Where ya'll purchasing your audacities from?

Giant bag of candy: I'm resealable Me: that won't be necessary

Spilling coffee is the adult equivalent of losing your balloon

Friend: "I'm worried about you" Me, dunking an oreo in whiskey, "why?"

Why are the washing machine minutes not real minutes?

Kinda worried about something. Don't know what it is yet.

Your anxiety is a lying little hoe

People be like "bear with me" and then they don't even have a bear with them

Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.

Who got you smiling like that? Me. I'm insane.

"You look happier" Thanks i just ate

The older i get, no

Roses are red. I'm going to bed.

*swirls chocolate milk in wine glass* I'm just.. over it, you know?

Welcome to adulthood. Using a good pen brings you joy now.

Time for bed. But first, let me figure everything out first

"Are you an adult?" Me: Yeah, but not on purpose or anything

Do you ever just wake up in the mornamd you're like no

Did you drink enough water today you stupid bitch

Microwaves be like, here's your hot bowl of cold soup

Idk why drs only give stickers to kids? Like hello I was also brave today

I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. It's whatever.

Good morning. No motivational quotes today. Fight with them if you feel like it.

Crying session 8pm at my house. Pull up

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich lotion

One day at a time you impatient psychopath

Why is it called lukewarm Why not medium warm Who is luke And why is he warm

What if i throw a wet sock at your neck

Sorry i can't go out tonight, I'm at home sitting down

To avoid burnout, try the 30-30 rule: Work for 30 minutes and then disappear into the woods for 30 years