Date a girl that's cute but can destroy a whole pizza by herself

Robber: "Everybody lie down!" Me: [exhuasted] yeeessssssss

No offense but why would you decide to go big if the other option is to go home

I don't know about ya'll but i don't have another password left in me.

Them "How do you say, I miss you, without sounding desperate?" Me "I miss you if you want"

I swear to god if my car needs gas one more fucking time

Dogs lick because they know we have bones inside and they want them.

Today I'm going to give it my almost.

I know my passport sitting in my drawer is confused af. Don't worry little one, soon soon.

Let's call it a week guys, we did our best.

Due to not wanting to, I will not. Thanks.

I heard a kid say, "I'm going to have my brain taken out just so I can relax." And I felt that.

My stomach hurts. I wonder which one of my 70 unhealthy habits is causing it this time.

Grocery list: 1. Don't run into anyone I know 2. Eggs

"Are we still going?" - my attempt to cancel plans.

We should have stopped somewhere between discovering fire and filing taxes. We did too much.

Sorry I snapped at you. My clothes felt weird. The temperature was too loud. My hair was touching me.

At this age, missing trash day feels like a personal failure you'll think about all week

Me when feeling suspiciously relaxed: What responsibility am I forgetting...

Being a functional adult every day seems a bit excessive

Ok. It's time for a reality check. *checks reality* Holy shit. Do not recommend.

I told my boss i was going to the bathroom, didn't tell him which one, now I'm at home

Home is where those fuckers aren't

Babe, you hardly touched my last nerve... are you okay?

Me: but i want it Ambulance driver [passing dairy queen] I said no.

Ya'll ever think about the coffee you're going to have the next morning and get all excited? Or am I just weird?

I am not hard to find. I'm at home. I have been home. I will continue to be at home.

I can easily get my life together I just need to make 40 or 50 lists first

Ariel's first mistake was wanting to be where the people are

The fact that I rejected napping as a child makes me sick

Not to brag or anything but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it

Respectfully, I don't think cooking together is romantic. Please move tf out of my way

Who knew that one of life's greatest joys would be having clean sheets on the bed in adulthood?

I have cleaned the house. The house is now read-only. Please do not edit the house.

What are you doing with your life? Me: it's a surprise.

Let's call it a week, guys. We did our best.

LIMITED TIME ACCESS to my nsfw channel t.me/+2PVeT6djXt8...

Everybody clap. My laundry chair is now just a chair.

Everyone quit your job and meet me in the park

No motivational quote today. Bite them if you need to.

"Why are you up so late" I have to help batman.

Coffee has water in it. Follow me for more health and wellness tips.

If you think you can win me over by bringing me a sweet treat, you're right.

"You look happier" "Thanks, I'm evil again."

I just need to like sit by the ocean and disassociate for five days

"You should get out more" No thanks, I've seen enough

Do you also close one eye when you take a sip of piping hot coffee or are you normal?

And for the lady, perhaps a fcking break?