There’s no such organisation as antifa. It’s basically a person, or group of people who are against fascism. So, if you’re against antifa, you’re against anyone who is anti-fascism, or put another way, you’re a fascist.

Pretend you're a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn't blind me but I'm now parsley sighted.

Completely forgot it’s the rapture tomorrow when I booked my shopping delivery for Wednesday so that’s a waste of money and good food.

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn't blind me but I'm now parsley sighted.

I’m posting an awful lot of rubbish today. Yes, just today.

It says a lot about me that I’m as likely to know someone’s favourite football team as I am whether they have kids, where they live and sometimes even what their name is.

Completely forgot it’s the rapture tomorrow when I booked my shopping delivery for Wednesday so that’s a waste of money and good food.

Saw the doctor about my fear of pantomimes. He's diagnosed me with ohyesitis.

Saw the doctor about my fear of pantomimes. He's diagnosed me with ohyesitis.

Dalmatian www.worldofmoose.com/products/dal...

Deporting people who have legally earned the right to be in the country is unforgivably repugnant, and a sliver away from the full white supremacist project that drives many in Reform UK. Watch that mask slipping, remember it, and don't allow them to normalise this.

"My wife got hurt after annoying the marsupials on our trip to a Malaysian zoo." "Kuala Lumpar?" "No, a kangaroo kicked her up the arse".

Always keep a baseball bat by your bed in case someone breaks in during the night and starts throwing baseballs at you

Save time and money going to Blackpool illuminations by popping to your parents’ house and switching one light on.

Pretend you're a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

Save time and money going to Blackpool illuminations by popping to your parents’ house and switching one light on.

Always keep a baseball bat by your bed in case someone breaks in during the night and starts throwing baseballs at you

Convince people you're good at throwing stuff by walking around a fairground holding a coconut.

Convince people you're good at throwing stuff by walking around a fairground holding a coconut.

[in mary poppins court] clerk:call the witness for the prosecution *spoonful of sugar walks in* medicine: oh, shit

Wonderful that Arsenal have introduced facilities to ensure no-one misses out on Escape to the Country

For people who want us to be gamble aware and take breaks from gambling, gambling companies show an awful lot of adverts that promote gambling.

[in mary poppins court] clerk:call the witness for the prosecution *spoonful of sugar walks in* medicine: oh, shit

ME: what’s for dinner KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

There was a Miss Marple episode on the telly earlier in which they played sexy music whenever any American characters were in a scene because all Americans are sexy.

First they came for Nigel Farage and I said “it’s that bloke over there pointing at the sea”.

Strictly has gone too far with the woke this year. Surely one Australian is enough?

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

Music FACT: Placebo were originally a Cure tribute band

Ok, so I thought I’d join in and watch #totp and vindafuckingloo was on. Maybe next week.

My washing line this morning consisted of 16 identical white T-shirts. Hashtag totally normal.

First they came for Nigel Farage and I said “it’s that bloke over there pointing at the sea”.

"My dog's learning to speak a foreign language." "Español?" "No, he's a labrador."

[after Trump’s state visit to the UK] ”Thank fuck that’s over”, said everyone.

[after Trump’s state visit to the UK] ”Thank fuck that’s over”, said everyone.

Music FACT: Placebo were originally a Cure tribute band

Just told my dog that I wouldn’t give her any cheese unless she got in her bed. I said it wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t make the rules, which is a lie lol

Trans rights are human rights, but the bad news is people also hate human rights.

The person who named sweetbreads isn't allowed to name stuff anymore

"My dog's learning to speak a foreign language." "Español?" "No, he's a labrador."

Bucks Fizz have let themself go.

Yeah, when the king gave me a state dinner, we had a chippy tea followed by viennetta, as was the fashion of the day. Of course, there weren’t any fascists or sex crimers present there either. It was a great day; home by ten. Different times. Different times.