@adamparsons1.bsky.social bsky.app/profile/glen...

Just sat on my hand and now when I make circles on the palm with my finger it feels like my teddy bear is in someone else's garden.

My girlfriend just said I was rubbish at describing her. She's got a cheek.

need, need, need, need www.waterstones.com/book/panini-...

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

I keep throwing up when I count in French. My doctor thinks I might have a huit allergy.

Great to see *checks notes* two time Emmy nominee Nick Mohammed finally breaking through.

BREAKING NEWS: The World Dutch Shoe Eating champion has just plopped his clogs.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water. Didn't go down well.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water. Didn't go down well.

"all the leaves are grey, and the sky is grey" - a dog singing california dreaming.

now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down my dog just kicked me in the nuts

RFK Jr:

My girlfriend just said I was rubbish at describing her. She's got a cheek.

Devastating— “I’m afraid for my parents to leave the house. They treat us like dogs because of the color of our skin. I shouldn’t be scared, I should be focusing on school.” A 16yo American living in fear of the Trump regime’s ICE goons terrorizing brown people pleads for help.

Alex Bruesewitz, an adviser to US President Donald Trump, told leaders of the far-right Alternative for Germany — classified as an extremist party by German authorities — that he sees them as “bold visionaries” shaping the country’s future.

in england, they don't say i'll kick your ass, they say i'll see you on the

I know many of you will already have done something to help the people of Jamaica, but if you felt like helping a specific family, this is the GoFundMe set up by my son’s girlfriend for her relatives, who find themselves in dire straits. Every bit helps, shares appreciated. gofund.me/9b5b74984

[Tears for Fears follow-up to Shout] 🎶 shush, shush, shut your big mush, here are some things that I found in a bush 🎶

"all the leaves are grey, and the sky is grey" - a dog singing california dreaming.

nasty and incompetent www.theguardian.com/politics/202...

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one...

BREAKING NEWS. A ten tonne truck full of strawberries has collided with a Tate and Lyle van on the M1, causing a massive jam.

"They said my grandad had a face that could stop traffic." "Really? Was he that good looking?" "No, he looked like a lollipop".

Bill Medley's first day working at a police station: Man: I've lost my cat BM: was your feline loving? Man: er, yes BM: now he's gone, gone, gone? Man: jesus fucking christ

Let's talk about linguistic arseholery. I have been thinking lately of examples of people being dickishly pedantic (or just wrong-headed) about what to call things. Three examples below, starting with the well-known case of Anthony Powell. 🧵

Need. Anything. More. Be. Said.⁉️ ⬇️

Pretend you’re at a fireworks display by looking at the sky and wishing you were home.

Please keep pets and small children indoors tonight. They can enjoy the fireworks when they start earning their keep, the bloody freeloaders.

🎶She call me Mr. Boombastic Say me fantastic, Touch me in me back She says I'm Mr. Ro...mantic Call me fantastic, Touch me in me back She says I'm Mr. Ro...🎶 Barista: yeah, I’m not writing that.

“pull one’s finger”

🎶She call me Mr. Boombastic Say me fantastic, Touch me in me back She says I'm Mr. Ro...mantic Call me fantastic, Touch me in me back She says I'm Mr. Ro...🎶 Barista: yeah, I’m not writing that.

"Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause..." Barista: I'm writing "Mo".

Let me please introduce myself I cook toasties for kids & teens Cheese & ham & tomato Sometimes even beans - Sympathy for the Breville.

25 of the funniest posts we’ve seen on Bluesky this week. www.thepoke.com/2025/11/05/2...

“pull one’s finger”

"Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause..." Barista: I'm writing "Mo".

Let me please introduce myself I cook toasties for kids & teens Cheese & ham & tomato Sometimes even beans - Sympathy for the Breville.

Just invented a new Wealdstone football song to the tune of that Bon Jovi one. Hope you like it. 🎵whoah! We’re two-nil up, whoah! Nerys is my pu-up! she’s very nice, with a hmm, mmm, up, whoah! Nerys is my pup!🎵 Yeah, I know; needs more dog content.

Just been found guilty of killing a triangle. I think they might send me to prism.

[in court] PROSECUTOR: Murdererssaywhat ACCUSED: What? PROSECUTOR: The prosecution rests, your honour

You must take my legitimate concerns seriously, ideally without making me say out loud what they are as I find when I do that they tend to sound a bit awful.

[in court] Judge: Bad Jokes McGee, you are charged with the theft of bedding. How do you plead? BJM: Not quilty. Judge: TAKE HIM DOWN.

As the Huntingdon train hero is named as Samir Zitouni, our thoughts and prayers are with all right wing racist fuckwits at this difficult time.

Just been found guilty of killing a triangle. I think they might send me to prism.

you get into heaven if you either know all the ten commandments or every line up of the sugarbabes

[in court] Judge: Bad Jokes McGee, you are charged with the theft of bedding. How do you plead? BJM: Not quilty. Judge: TAKE HIM DOWN.

“Relentlessly campaigning for this honour was harder work than building a stadium in intense heat for 45p an hour”, quipped the multimillionaire

I’m eating cheese on toast. About a mile away my dog is at my in-laws thinking “nerys sad and whiny. nerys no know why sad and whiny but nerys sad and whiny”

[in court] PROSECUTOR: Murdererssaywhat ACCUSED: What? PROSECUTOR: The prosecution rests, your honour