Steven (with a PH)
@sjksalisbury.bsky.social
đ€ 5632
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farce majeure
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America's doing what? The America? From Fievel? Well that doesn't sound right.
5 months ago
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Steven (with a PH)
Kendra, normal version
12 days ago
*saying affirmations in the mirror* I am a big horse. I am a beautiful horse with powerful legs. I am fifteen hands tall. No one can catch me because of my powerful horse legs and wild nature. I have all the apples I want
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Few tasks more cursed than making a cup of tea in your hotel room. A graceless act. Like artificially inseminating a pig. Sure you might end up getting what you want, but the process only shames all involved.
about 23 hours ago
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Think of myself as a rational human being until I am presented with a tiny version of a regular-sized object. Is that a little jar of Marmite? No. That is a baby. That is little baby Marmito and I love him with my life.
1 day ago
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The problem with receiving a t-shirt via a cannon is that it then completely ruins being given clothing in a conventional manner. yeah thanks for handing me my trousers I guess, you unremarkable old bastard.
2 days ago
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Steven (with a PH)
Troutman
3 days ago
If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. Itâs toast time.
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Don't know that I've ever experienced runner's high but occasionally you'll be mid workout when the perfect song comes on and you'll ascend and for the next three and a half minutes everything else is just the background for your music video.
3 days ago
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Steven (with a PH)
Ray Newman
5 days ago
BlueSky: the social media network for kids who were excited when it was a Wet Playtime.
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when the chef has their little towel casually tossed over one shoulder is probably the closest thing there is to lingerie for men. just a thing of beauty. talk to me about your farm to table philosophy, daddy.
3 days ago
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Steven (with a PH)
"max"
4 days ago
loved the message dude. the little face at the end... fantastic. an "emoji", i assume. does he represent you or me?
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THERAPIST: and this one? ME: that looks like you kissing my mum. THERAPIST: what about this one? ME: also kissing my mum. and groping her a little. why are you showing me these? THERAPIST: I thought you'd be happy for us.
3 days ago
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ok but maybe this time we'll drop the bomb that just fixes everything
4 days ago
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If they have secretly married is she now going to be Zendaya Holland or will he take her surname and simply be Tom?
4 days ago
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I wasn't cool at school but I was friends with the cool crowd, so when they were all doing drugs I got to be in the control group.
4 days ago
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Steven (with a PH)
miss fugazi
4 days ago
until smart glasses can highlight usable objects i fail to see the point
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I've been listening to Cat Stevens when driving in the hope that it will be a calming influence, which I think may explain why I just screamed 'Oh you... petulant daffodil!' at some dickhead in a van.
5 days ago
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Always weird to hear anything from the Tony Hawk's Pro Skater soundtrack after the two minute point. Why are you still singing? The run's over. No-one's here buddy, we all went back to the level select screen.
5 days ago
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Steven (with a PH)
tara
12 days ago
(New coworker jumps suddenly startled) oh thatâs ominous Susan she likes to emerge from the shadows.. HR are trying to transfer her to a darker realm
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Steven (with a PH)
mindflakes
9 days ago
I've invented a new device that combines a microscope with a telescope so you can look at regular stuff normal-style
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I will never use AI to produce images. I get my art the old fashioned way, by describing my "assailant" to a police sketch artist until they draw me a picture of busty John Slattery.
6 days ago
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Guy Pearce isn't a real name. Stop it. You can't be called Man Stab, you're not one of He-Man's best friends.
7 days ago
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Just said out loud, Oooh, I can have the rest of that banana on my granola tomorrow as a treat! What happened to us, old man? Who are you trying to be? You can't lie to me, I watched us make a cocktail out of bourbon and cough syrup.
7 days ago
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Steven (with a PH)
pixelatedboat aka âmr blueskyâ
8 days ago
Wait, Britain has politics as well?? Christ, when will it end
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Don't often get the chance to be a proud Englishman so please indulge me if I, in a brief moment of hysteria, find myself saying aloud yeah, that'll do.
8 days ago
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Steven (with a PH)
captain bleach
8 days ago
Asimov's Fourth Law of Robotics: Have fun!
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[Geologist meeting Emma Stone] I'm not mad, I just think your profile is a little misleading
9 days ago
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Steven (with a PH)
BayBayFriend
about 1 year ago
Me: Have you heard about the killings? NPC: Right nasty business. âOrrible! Me: What can you tell me about the local religious sect? NPC: Strange lot. Give me the creeps. Whatâs it like to be real? Me: Huh? NPC: To kiss a bloke. Me: Uh NPC: To feel a blokeâs âand on the nape of yer neck.
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Steven (with a PH)
Jason
11 days ago
If films have taught me anything, it's to cherish those moments I close the fridge door in a profile shot and there isn't a murderer standing there.
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Saw Good Luck, Have Fun, Don't Die. Thank you, I did, and I didn't.
10 days ago
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Steven (with a PH)
little lamb
12 days ago
Sorry about that brother. We listened to the AmĂ©lie soundtrack a lot when I was in ânam and hearing it always makes me feel like Iâm back in the shit
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Steven (with a PH)
Bex Luther
11 days ago
We need a new British cryptid. The Loch Ness Monster has been shouldering the burden too long. Preferably English, preferably urban
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I've been married to my first wife for four years today! People often ask us what our secret is, and honestly it's simple. A marriage certificate is a legal binding document and we are law abiding citizens.
12 days ago
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I wasn't a gifted child, but my dad did send me away to live with a different family so I technically qualify as a regifted child.
13 days ago
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Everybody knows that if you put a sleeping person's hand in warm water it can make them wet the bed, but if you dip their fingers into a béchamel sauce they might make you just the most exquisite little soufflé.
14 days ago
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Steven (with a PH)
potion of
14 days ago
the purpose of a rube goldberg machine is what it does eventually
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Steven (with a PH)
ceej
15 days ago
checking out a failing local dive is dangerous because sometimes you have a really good time and then itâs like, oh fuck, now I am Responsible for this failing local dive
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Steven (with a PH)
Alex Blechman
15 days ago
Reporter: Do aliens exist? Obama: *chuckles* Technically no, a time ghoul is from Earth. Just not todayâs Earth
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My biggest ever tweet went too viral and somewhere in the telling and retellings I was dumped. Occasionally I'll unexpectedly happen upon it in the wild, holding someone else's handle, everybody smiling and happy for them. Bastards. This is how it must feel to have a celebrity ex.
14 days ago
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One time when high a friend said 'If you bait your traps with what you want you'll only ever catch yourself' and I thought he'd tapped into some rich vein of universal wisdom but he was just trying to guess what a better version of himself would order on pizza and eventually settled on green peppers
15 days ago
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Steven (with a PH)
Greg the Miller
15 days ago
(involuntarily offline for 12 hours) this little maneuver is gonna cost us 56 internet years
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Starting to worry that I might have wasted my three wishes
15 days ago
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Walking along the road and giving all the drivers I see a thumbs down to let them know that I won't be requiring their hitch-hiking services at this time.
15 days ago
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Started playing Clair Obscure Expedition 33 and I just fought a mime. I'm a handsome French man and I get to beat up performing arts students. This might just be the best game of all time.
15 days ago
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Steven (with a PH)
ceej
16 days ago
the hot tub validates humanityâs inherent desire to become stew
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Steven (with a PH)
Tom Jamieson
15 days ago
'Being detained at your brother's pleasure' will never not be funny
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A Save The Children charity collector was just passive-aggressively hostile to me as I walked past them, so I'm on the other team now. Sorry children but you made a powerful enemy today. I hope you find a bunch of small parts.
16 days ago
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Steven (with a PH)
Blue sky nice ghost
16 days ago
Is there a technology the left is excited about?" It's called the clamshell e-reader from It Follows, and I've been waiting for it since 2014
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In order to provide a consistent and scalable measure I sometimes hold my hand real low when showing how much I've had it up to. 'I've had it up to here' I say, my hand at knee height. I could handle having it more.
17 days ago
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Not giving anything up for Lent because I'm three weeks deep into giving up bread (in all its forms) and I'm not saying it's been tough but I would French kiss a duck just to tongue the crumbs from its back teeth.
17 days ago
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Steven (with a PH)
Nate
18 days ago
I usually throw out a âbeholdâ before I do my unveilings, but when itâs something real special, I hit 'em with the âfeast your eyes on thisâŠâ
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There should be a website where you type in your details and it tells you what the closest to Stanley Tucci you've ever been is.
17 days ago
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