*saying affirmations in the mirror* I am a big horse. I am a beautiful horse with powerful legs. I am fifteen hands tall. No one can catch me because of my powerful horse legs and wild nature. I have all the apples I want

Few tasks more cursed than making a cup of tea in your hotel room. A graceless act. Like artificially inseminating a pig. Sure you might end up getting what you want, but the process only shames all involved.

Think of myself as a rational human being until I am presented with a tiny version of a regular-sized object. Is that a little jar of Marmite? No. That is a baby. That is little baby Marmito and I love him with my life.

The problem with receiving a t-shirt via a cannon is that it then completely ruins being given clothing in a conventional manner. yeah thanks for handing me my trousers I guess, you unremarkable old bastard.

If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.

Don't know that I've ever experienced runner's high but occasionally you'll be mid workout when the perfect song comes on and you'll ascend and for the next three and a half minutes everything else is just the background for your music video.

BlueSky: the social media network for kids who were excited when it was a Wet Playtime.

when the chef has their little towel casually tossed over one shoulder is probably the closest thing there is to lingerie for men. just a thing of beauty. talk to me about your farm to table philosophy, daddy.

loved the message dude. the little face at the end... fantastic. an "emoji", i assume. does he represent you or me?

THERAPIST: and this one? ME: that looks like you kissing my mum. THERAPIST: what about this one? ME: also kissing my mum. and groping her a little. why are you showing me these? THERAPIST: I thought you'd be happy for us.

ok but maybe this time we'll drop the bomb that just fixes everything

If they have secretly married is she now going to be Zendaya Holland or will he take her surname and simply be Tom?

I wasn't cool at school but I was friends with the cool crowd, so when they were all doing drugs I got to be in the control group.

until smart glasses can highlight usable objects i fail to see the point

I've been listening to Cat Stevens when driving in the hope that it will be a calming influence, which I think may explain why I just screamed 'Oh you... petulant daffodil!' at some dickhead in a van.

Always weird to hear anything from the Tony Hawk's Pro Skater soundtrack after the two minute point. Why are you still singing? The run's over. No-one's here buddy, we all went back to the level select screen.

(New coworker jumps suddenly startled) oh that’s ominous Susan she likes to emerge from the shadows.. HR are trying to transfer her to a darker realm

I've invented a new device that combines a microscope with a telescope so you can look at regular stuff normal-style

I will never use AI to produce images. I get my art the old fashioned way, by describing my "assailant" to a police sketch artist until they draw me a picture of busty John Slattery.

Guy Pearce isn't a real name. Stop it. You can't be called Man Stab, you're not one of He-Man's best friends.

Just said out loud, Oooh, I can have the rest of that banana on my granola tomorrow as a treat! What happened to us, old man? Who are you trying to be? You can't lie to me, I watched us make a cocktail out of bourbon and cough syrup.

Wait, Britain has politics as well?? Christ, when will it end

Don't often get the chance to be a proud Englishman so please indulge me if I, in a brief moment of hysteria, find myself saying aloud yeah, that'll do.

Asimov's Fourth Law of Robotics: Have fun!

[Geologist meeting Emma Stone] I'm not mad, I just think your profile is a little misleading

Me: Have you heard about the killings? NPC: Right nasty business. ‘Orrible! Me: What can you tell me about the local religious sect? NPC: Strange lot. Give me the creeps. What’s it like to be real? Me: Huh? NPC: To kiss a bloke. Me: Uh NPC: To feel a bloke’s ‘and on the nape of yer neck.

If films have taught me anything, it's to cherish those moments I close the fridge door in a profile shot and there isn't a murderer standing there.

Saw Good Luck, Have Fun, Don't Die. Thank you, I did, and I didn't.

Sorry about that brother. We listened to the Amélie soundtrack a lot when I was in ‘nam and hearing it always makes me feel like I’m back in the shit

We need a new British cryptid. The Loch Ness Monster has been shouldering the burden too long. Preferably English, preferably urban

I've been married to my first wife for four years today! People often ask us what our secret is, and honestly it's simple. A marriage certificate is a legal binding document and we are law abiding citizens.

I wasn't a gifted child, but my dad did send me away to live with a different family so I technically qualify as a regifted child.

Everybody knows that if you put a sleeping person's hand in warm water it can make them wet the bed, but if you dip their fingers into a béchamel sauce they might make you just the most exquisite little soufflé.

the purpose of a rube goldberg machine is what it does eventually

checking out a failing local dive is dangerous because sometimes you have a really good time and then it’s like, oh fuck, now I am Responsible for this failing local dive

Reporter: Do aliens exist? Obama: *chuckles* Technically no, a time ghoul is from Earth. Just not today’s Earth

My biggest ever tweet went too viral and somewhere in the telling and retellings I was dumped. Occasionally I'll unexpectedly happen upon it in the wild, holding someone else's handle, everybody smiling and happy for them. Bastards. This is how it must feel to have a celebrity ex.

One time when high a friend said 'If you bait your traps with what you want you'll only ever catch yourself' and I thought he'd tapped into some rich vein of universal wisdom but he was just trying to guess what a better version of himself would order on pizza and eventually settled on green peppers

(involuntarily offline for 12 hours) this little maneuver is gonna cost us 56 internet years

Starting to worry that I might have wasted my three wishes

Walking along the road and giving all the drivers I see a thumbs down to let them know that I won't be requiring their hitch-hiking services at this time.

Started playing Clair Obscure Expedition 33 and I just fought a mime. I'm a handsome French man and I get to beat up performing arts students. This might just be the best game of all time.

the hot tub validates humanity’s inherent desire to become stew

'Being detained at your brother's pleasure' will never not be funny

A Save The Children charity collector was just passive-aggressively hostile to me as I walked past them, so I'm on the other team now. Sorry children but you made a powerful enemy today. I hope you find a bunch of small parts.

Is there a technology the left is excited about?" It's called the clamshell e-reader from It Follows, and I've been waiting for it since 2014

In order to provide a consistent and scalable measure I sometimes hold my hand real low when showing how much I've had it up to. 'I've had it up to here' I say, my hand at knee height. I could handle having it more.

Not giving anything up for Lent because I'm three weeks deep into giving up bread (in all its forms) and I'm not saying it's been tough but I would French kiss a duck just to tongue the crumbs from its back teeth.

I usually throw out a “behold” before I do my unveilings, but when it’s something real special, I hit 'em with the “feast your eyes on this…”

There should be a website where you type in your details and it tells you what the closest to Stanley Tucci you've ever been is.