[first day as a shepherd] boss: where are you going? me: [pointing] star boss: what? why me: [shrugging] baby

ACAB includes the boys of the NYPD choir.

There's nothing quite like being the grown adult man sat in the middle of the backseat of a car to remind you of your position in the social hierarchy.

Take your kids to the science museum where they can learn about plasma balls and touch screens with JavaScript errors on them.

I like that mistletoe increases the odds of being kissed. More plants should offer temporary environmental status. Brawling under lingonberries. The soft yearning of a love that dare not speak its name beneath the nightshade.

Everybody loves to talk about the Christmas Truce, when the British and German forces stopped fighting to play football. But nobody ever talks about the Boxing Day Massacre, when the two sides got together for a game of Monopoly.

The boys at work caught me making my GI Joes kiss in the truck and now they all want a turn like break time is infinite or something

“One!” Count von Count cries out. “The world is ONE vampire! Ah ah ah.”

Political cartoons are for hacks. Oh look, it's Santa's naughty list but all of the names are redacted. How topical. How impish. Do a picture of me kissing Monica Bellucci you dumb idiot. Yeah that's it. But draw my muscles even bigger. Bigger.

There should be a thinking man's boxing. Just two chaps in a ring trying to cause the other suffering by imparting bad advice.

dr: let’s test your reflexes me: ok dr: *hits my knee with a little hammer* me: dr: hmm not good…you should have tried to move out of the way

why aren't they throwing bread at me. what do the ducks have that i do not

Had to have the difficult conversation with my wife last about how it feels like she pretty much stopped making any effort as soon as we got married. I don't think I can even remember the last time she wore a veil.

The gate says "abandon all hope, ye who enter here" but they don't check your pockets or anything

Attended a small gathering today in which I introduced my family to my moustache for the first time, which was a delightful way to learn dozens of brand new insults about my face.

Not a fan of modern sanitised motorway services. A service station should feel like the last port on the edge of civilisation. You should only be able to buy skewered meats and spare parts for your hyperdrive. There should be arm wrestling. You should have to watch out for bounty hunters.

Well sir, we'll do our best to find your dog but we have to be realistic. This town has nineteen peanut butter factories, all VERY haunted.

Scientists just found out that we're all living in the second spot-the-difference picture. That stripey cushion is actually supposed to have dots on it. it's fucked up. They don't know what to do about it.

[when a map app estimates how long it will take me to get somewhere] but I am not like the others, I am faster, better

I (41m) introduced a "Black Star Chart" so I could keep a tally of my wife's (38f) transgressions but she doesn't care what colour star she gets, she just really likes earning stickers.

Our dog died, which is one of the worst things that a dog can do. Bad dog.

must suck to be a broke psychopath reading about how rich people are all psychopaths, like you don't care about other people and you can't buy anything

Found out we have a carbon monoxide leak, which at least explains where all our carbon monoxide has been going.

Hanging out with babies rules. This guy is the size of a Build A Bear and he's never even seen anything before. He just got here!

Got told off for booing at my nephew's nativity performance but if you're not willing to accept legitimate criticism then any applause would be meaningless.

People often ask me if I worry because my wife's career means she comes into contact with a lot of attractive and charming men, but that's not really her type so...

'Let it Snow' with all the positive lines removed

I believe in happy accidents, in mistakes that bear fruit. A slice of bread will one day grow a Georges Seurat painting among its mould. The Red Hot Chili Peppers could inexplicably write Scar Tissue. All things are possible.

saw your man with a little red bindle by the railroad tracks

The vet asked if our cat was displaying any antisocial behaviours so I replied 'He can be a bit of a mean drunk' and he was not even slightly amused. I think he's going to make me wear the cone of shame.

[late night in my lab, flipping a switch and watching a humongous bolt of lightning strike the hideous monster I've been creating] 'ah fuck! my hideous monster! ruined!! burnt to a fucking crisp!!!

Just thinking about how we've been breeding oranges to be easier to peel and how horrifying that must be from the orange's perspective.

the majority of my day as a beekeeper is spent giving each of the individual bees a kiss

I am an atheist except for during the Fall On Your Knees... bit of O Holy Night, when I momentarily become so consumed by the divine presence that I could probably beat up The Pope.

Discovered I've been added to a list of "pro white supremacy" accounts, which, c'mon... My entire pitiful existence is a staunch rebuttal to the idea. I am farce and pratfall. The only skin I am ideologically bound to is banana.

Give a man a bee, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to be, well now you've really done it. Look at him. He's contemplating things. He's experiencing futility.

the thing I most miss about smoking is that, despite the objections to it, it was still the most socially acceptable reason to go outside and set something on fire several times a day.

COP: Are you high? MOTORIST: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree? [one leaf falls from cop]

The fuck is a jingle horse

Aggressively picking out the perfect gifts for loved ones. That's right fucko. It's incredible. I looked within your soul and saw what it would take to temporarily fill the emptiness that exists at your core. You can softly weep if you'd like.

Bottles of olive oil are a gift now. Here's your salad dressing. Merry Happy you piece of shit.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them? Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

kinda crazy how it’s acceptable to eat your twin as long as it’s in utero

Went to my first football match in years yesterday and my biggest takeaway is just how quaint 'The referee's a wanker!' sounds to the modern ear. Almost affectionate. Like calling someone a bugger or a sod.

I wish that my monkey knew sign language [several fingers on the monkey's paw curl]

I wish that my monkey knew sign language [several fingers on the monkey's paw curl]

Fucking great. That thing in the forest knows my name now and keeps saying in the voice of my mother.

Bigfoot isn't special, I also walk stupid and am only really believed in by dorks and idiots.

[show a picture of a happy plump boy to my baker] so I was thinking maybe something a little like this?