Autumn is a confusing time of year for me because admiring complementary layering and falling in love are very close to one another on my emotional spectrum.

Maybe a tonne of feathers does weigh the same as a tonne of bricks, how would I know, it's not my business. but I'd definitely have more questions if I learnt that someone was crushed to death by a tonne of feathers.

fall damage is fake. it is made up for video games

Wearing a t-shirt that has the artwork from my favourite album on it, which I also have tattooed on my arm. Realise that to the casual observer it just looks like I'm a very big fan of the tattoo.

Guy in the cafe just tried to preempt my order, which yes I do make every Saturday. Unfortunately what he doesn't know is that the only thing I love more than a maple pecan plait and a flat white is chaos. My orders have changed, son. I'll kill me just to kill you.

The British far-right really ruin things for those of us who are drunk and ugly and stupid for non-racist reasons.

in retrospect, there’s probably never been a name as threatening as “America Online”

Really would prefer to be living in unpresidented times.

Jesus Christ, you all tried to warn me but I was still not prepared for The Long Walk. More than 300 miles. That's way too long.

My gym nemesis is here again. Behold as he fails the many tests he has no idea he is taking part in.

may I speak with the primary poster in your household?

[showing a picture of a man with nice hair to my barber] I want you to kill this fucker

Paintballing places too much emphasis on marksmanship. What about artistry? I'm trying to push the boundaries, explore the relationship between subject and medium, and meanwhile everybody else is just relentlessly trying to shoot me in the nuts.

I like how people say "manage your depression" like it's a stock portfolio but you're heavily invested in sadness

(calling santa) have you been seeing all this ??

[tapping on the arc of your moral universe] well there's your problem, this thing is supposed to bend.

Really thought that last banksy was going to work

Did past life regression today and couldn't conjure even a hint of a prior existence. The therapist got a bit upset, said this had never happened before. I ended up apologising and explaining that I believe my soul is simply incapable of pre-dating Chicken McNuggets.

God its so disingenuous to pretend that all CK did was “have horrible opinions”. The man co-founded an organization that’s sole function was to fight tooth and nail to indoctrinate children at school into violent white nationalism. He wasn’t even just a pundit. He was ceo of the baby Nazi factory.

HitlerSuckfest1488: "This has radicalized me."

Suspect looks like a character from Tony Hawk Underground. Jaggedy body like a skateboarding babadook. So anyway. Keep a lookout for that.

Took a canapé that came on a stick. Rookie mistake. Just walking around holding my gross little skewer now. Hope people don't think this is part of my look. They're probably calling me Steven the gross skewer boy. I wish it was me that had died in the accident.

I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.

Well, well, well … Look who made the cover of “John Wayne” magazine. Again. Better luck next time, Gacy.

"There should be an app tha–" NO. No there should not. Look at us. Look at what the apps hath wrought

they should make flare guns you can fire indoors

Baby bird *finishes hatching* Sorry… am I in a bowl of sticks? Am I in a fucking bowl of sticks a thousand feet off the ground right now, yes or no

Don't trust people who want to do main quests on a Sunday. Sundays are for side missions.

Graham Linehan is like when the Animaniacs drive someone insane, but then he has to live the rest of his life like that

It's becoming increasingly difficult to separate American sports from American news. Giants Destroy Pittsburgh? Fundamentalists Rout Norms? Magic no match for Warriors? Every morning with this nonsense. Grow up.

Always the pallbearer, never the pal.

JOANNA NEWSOM: *playing the harp while hooting and growling* ANDY SAMBERG: that's great hon

Ridiculous what notes you take when you’re on the phone. Just spent ten minutes on a very important call and all I wrote was Tuesday and my name several times. Can only assume I’m planning on eloping with myself and wanted to know what my new signature will look like?

Got to be tough being a young guy getting picked for Great British Bake Off. Maybe I might be this year’s heartthrob? What if I'm the hearthrob!? Jesus there’s a chance that I'm actually the- never mind. There’s a guy called Jimothy and he has floppy hair and lives with his nan. fuck and balls.

it's gotta be crazy for salmon to find out about bears like that

Thought I was a werewolves and heterosexuality sort of fella. Anyway, just finished bingeing AMC's Interview With The Vampire and there's going to be a few changes around here.

Got vast swathes of men who are furious at society because diplomacy and regulations and progress have denied them their birthright: dying pinned up against a wall by a Murphy bed.

“Bake me a cake as fast as you can” is an unhinged demand.

Ghost Trains always lean a little too heavily into the supernatural in my opinion. wow yeah a skeleton. boo! you got me. Now how about we stop spooking about and consider the majesty of the mighty railroad for a while?

Don't think that computers should be allowed to make those 'dun-dun' error noises at me. It's not polite. I am trying my best.

I'm not really into sports but I like football because it allows me to pursue my real passion: collecting 350 stickers of men I've never met.

"Yes, I'd love to get coffee with you! What time would you like to meet up?" Secret time cop: A normal, linear one

Traditionally people would display a red cross to warn their neighbours that plague was present, so this coordinated far-right campaign of flying the flag of Saint George is at least historically accurate.

I'm going to my first actual black tie dinner tonight. Gonna order the biggest black tie they have on the menu.

You should be able to order a firefly to your home. The delivery guy should arrive at your door with cupped hands and gently release it into your living room. And the two of you should stand there and watch it together with silent reverence

I bet the gods couldn’t even punish me for my hubris if they tried

Mythical creatures that refuse to let you pass unless you answer their riddles three are really overestimating just how invested I am in actually going to places.