are you in the mood for a vulgar roast, your honour

no ai shall ever touch these lips

trade offer: these are mine. you can't have these

1800's ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

Okay but if I asked someone to jump and they said "how high?" I would be a little annoyed. Just fucking do a jump I don't need pedantry.

unapologetically eating breakfast

dawdling is the mind-killer

the funniest thing you can do at parties is to pull out a joke book and start reading it out loud

Got a job in the prophecy fulfillment agency shits easy as hell these prophecies fulfill themselves

Mr Bean Does Dallas

what are some good groceries to buy as a beginner

disassociating at the bluetooth convention

my merry-go-round is a machine that turns

🌬🙂💨

let's do good cop crab cop

there's nothing in the food safety code that says a dog can't make ramen

that’s absolutely right Alex 🗣️🗣️🗣️

typing my whole resume into the WebMD searchbar

i say goodbye to my old self and then we both walk the same way to our cars

i find myself getting lost in your eyes. there are no exits. not sure how i got here in the first place. it’s been weeks. no food or water, but i can hear the minotaur

ask your doctor what the fuck is his problem

i will never consider the following

i think if you want to have those disgusting LED headlights on your car, you should have to do a test where they blast you point blank with your own headlights and then you have 15 seconds to successfully complete some sort of vision-based task, and if you can't do it they push your car off a cliff

ppl are way too obsessed with individualism and then become overly nihilistic when they find out just how insignificant they are in the grand scheme of things like yeah man maybe that should encourage you to be more cooperative and empathetic in solving problems

i love that saying about god laugh at our plans thats why i dont make plans i make moves

breakfast is a gateway drug to harder meals, such as lunch

fellas is it au fait to be knowledgeable

as a shameshifter i can take the form of your most embarrassing moments

every bone in my body broke because they shipped my voodoo doll without packing peanuts

i think the ouroboros is probably just an idiot

don't be fooled. the epstein files are meant to distract you from the fact that orbs are now on mobile

first date idea: midnight jan 1, 1970

the most attractive thing a man can do is be made of ambergris

i have the unenviable task of purging jealousy from my heart

Lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh desire

Wait a minute, these are the Geoffrey Epstein files

horny for a fresh start

if your dad smiles he's gay

Dick Tersey, PI: she walked into my office. she had legs

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#introvertcomics I don't want to go to a party and hang out with cool guys and gals I would rather stay home and read a book about wizards. #relatable #introvert #introvertcomedy

this post is left as an exercise to the reader

(lulling you) secure yet?

basically songs should be about the singer's relative position in steps vis-à-vis the edge

i shall inform the wizard's council

babe what's wrong you've hardly been scanning for threats today

a nice hardly stew

can i have a writing job. i’m a horrible writer and can work to become a worse person