I have mastered the technique of pressing the lever so I almost always get a pellet and rarely shocked

gf: oh my god look how scared of the vacuum the cats are me:(also scared of the vacuum) that’s so funny let me go check on them

You will experience joy again. I personally guarantee it.

tummy ache scientists claim to have discovered too much cheese. "youch," say their findings, "ouchie"

I’d like some pearl jam for my sea biscuit 😂

some good news: I found a rock that's a cool shape & also glitters in the sun

Idgaf if it's unethical for me to grow a human in my lab. I'm loving it

gang it's international fix all the problems day

🫵 no YOU have a good day

we can't shut down the dick sucking factories what else are we going to do with all those guys trained to suck dick 10 hours a day

fuys please dont drink too much coffe just enough for u ok

hey ozymandias why don't you look on 'dis pair' 👇

you cannot be great named alexander. period

if he was really that great his parents would have named him something cooler than 'alexander'

taking my time-release locking in

your body only lets you sleep if you're pure of heart

I decided i dont rly care that much if countless coastal cities get swallowed by the ocean

nice try asshole, I've already depicted you and I as being lifelong friends. Look this is us holding hands

vaping red 40

music is just jangling keys for grown ups

sorry boss cant come in its being on my phone time. ive gotta lock in for being on my phone

to the real glass of water heads, this one's for you

the me being in bed situation is insane

don't shoot until i've had my coffee

Various shit is so fuckeng afoot

the government created a machine that makes people walk slower

we used to make podcasts in this country

im betting big on honor among thieves

coffee from a cup who

2026 OUT: - being the bigger person IN: - starting drama - pouring gasoline on the drama - being dramatic - drama, in general

hitting that shit that made Conan barbarous

more like the international fools based order 😏

grok . put me in a better world

i love online

Putting a blanket around our coward buddy. He gave up all hope, so we're making him soup and getting him out of here before his fear spreads like a poison to others

(me, not knowing there is a word for library): hey wanna go to the tome zone later

spoiler alert: 4 games in and they still don't tell you how old the empires are. don't bother

almost every parent i know is doing everything in their power to outlive their children

logging onto my favorite website to do battle with tiny creatures that pose no threat to me but it feels like they do

(proctologist with burnout): one butthole after another..

one coffee after another

no more meow meow until you tighten your shit up playboy

letting a spider live in my bellybutton rent and lint free

i'm on a c-section diet. i'm not sure what it means

“why are you still on twitter” -> whiny, makes you sound like a scold “oh you post on the pedophile app” -> makes them sound like a pedophile

As far back as i can remember I always wanted to win a million dollars in a lawsuit. To me, winning a million dollars in a lawsuit was better than being President of the United States

m'lady i thank you for your latest correspondance, as ever your prose is truly enchanting. might i request you sit for a foot portrait?