i was the former ambassador to the chill ass states of taking it easy

Is there a mister folded protein?

doors are suspended in air and have to rely on the hinges to support them. the amount of trust that takes. i just started crying.

to the chagrin of many a philosopher, recently discovered documents reveal that the owners of the ship of Theseus may have grossly exaggerated how much had been replaced in order to increase the resale value

they should invent a nobel peace prize for lwokey evil women

ay traveler check out my new afordable priceless wares

It is often said that mitochondria, the powerhouse of the cell, is from where all eroticism originates; and the Krebs cycle - its mistress

Who is this mystery mogger?

$NEILDEGRASSETYSON

Foster’s Home for Chopped and Cooked Uncs

🤓🫳🪤

This French Toast Will Make You Regret Ever Having Crossed Me

There are quadrillions of tiny people that live in tiny galaxies between the electrons of your liver and heart and other organs. 1 second is 100 billion years to them. When you are happy, when you laugh and smile,for one pure timeless second, trillions laugh and smile with you for billions of years.

Everyone shut the fuck up until further notice

You Must Have Me Mistaken 4: Someone Else

Yeah it's just live laugh love

This is everything everywhere now 😁👍

my opening line on hinge is asking for their gmail password

yeah i’m looking for a beta guy . . . . "beta" than the last one i dated hehehe

this meeting could have been us but you emailing

this meeting could have been two men kissing

Do you guys mind if I desperately cling to something beautiful

siri, schedule post for february 17: "now is no time for horsing around"

i’ve decided to carve the year up into smaller units, with 1825 “slices“ of day per year. i call it the Julienne Calendar

Sorry I didn't riff on your riff, I was feeling jocular when I posted but despondent seventy seconds later

Wuma Nian, eight mountain scholar: a man who chases two rabbits catches neither disciple: yoo, that shit is 10,000 lanterns illuminating heaven. i bet one day that will be an ancient chinese proverb Wuma Nian: we just call them ancient proverbs

I got a couple hours of skin to skin contact as a baby and I was all good after that

bestie mode with the world

(reading my list of things i can control) well that is not very much

taking 5 shots of water straight to the dome

water, that’s the stuff -frielf

selling my sold

depression is usually caused by not eating enough candy

going back in time to just kick it with my past self for a bit. no questions asked

I'm in the reactor core taking liberties

Trying to pay for a very long uber journey with 80 bolts of linen

i'm not sure i believe in the founding principles of Toilet City anymore

(absent-mindedly doodling a stick figure shooting a rocket launcher at a school bus during the court-mandated deescalation training): hey does anyone know the catering situation today

(handing you a packet of mustard that i had tucked behind my ear like a cigarette) you ever try body temperature mustard before?

Me and the guys are gonna put our bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and make it stop later if you wanna roll through

going to the hardware store for some hard ass wares

Hard times create value menus

i love how much pent up anger everyone is building

(standing there with my hands on my hips watching the firefighters extinguish my house) And don't forget that bit over there

unboxing video where someone reverses all my chronic head traumas

i hope the money isn’t hurt

Come on over we're exchanging smiles

Idiocracy was a 2006 American science fiction comedy film co-produced and directed by Mike Judge

they just created a million jerome powells