Wish the guy I know without a right eye wasn't blocked so I could send him this

knew a guy in college who was constantly working late and sleeping right up until his first class in the morning. so he'd eat cereal at 3am before going to sleep and called it "pre-breakfast"

gotta have that stuff. And things, too!

Being stupid is kind of like my hobby

I like my Fridays how I like my coffee

my superpower is I can smell into the future. I'm going to make coffee in 5 minutes

Being a hot girl is more powerful than any other thing you could possibly achieve in life

My dream meet-cute is "we met on eBay"

How long until we get an "AI or Not" gameshow (cancelled after two seasons, producer misconduct allegations)

buddhistly freaking out

it's a beautiful day to defraud some investors

fuck it all midnight coffee

“become” its called honey

Burglar:

You have to separate the cash from the cashier

You have to separate the farm from the farmer

You have to separate the zoo from the zoologist

You have to separate the surgery from the surgeon

You have to separate the cheese from the cheesemonger

suggestion: never alter your facial features because when they inevitably cycle back into style you'll be cleaning up. And that's game theory

if I were me I wouldn't know what to do with myself

Guys 80-90 years is not enough 😔

This is a tragedy

tracking my mental state with emojis: 😒

discovered large amount of mold in my retainer 😀

helping a perfectly healthy 35 year old man across the street

I'm going to get amazing at living VERY soon

this image is my default mental state. Not the quote just the expression

democratic alien: take me to your highest decision-making body

The amount of syntax I've lost by being online...

just had an MRI...they played a really loud experimental mixtape and gave me a copy afterward?

So glad I decided to get pretty one day. Great decision on my part

the best posts reek of disdain for the reader

does anyone know? I mean it's fine if you don't...I was just wondering...

Standup is a joke

What if computer code is nonbinary. What if computer code gender is a spectrum

I can only connect with people thru penatrative sex

[dog whines to go outside and she immediately does diarrhea] BELIEVE 👏 WOMEN 👏

Saw a bumper sticker that just said FUCK COVID-19

Nail salon artists invented the base 10 number system

I'm like first chair violin of the Vienna Philharmonic playing in a crowded subway and you all are the preoccupied rubes wandering by with zero appreciation for art, no offense

Im at the bar with a seahorse dna roofie to impregnate men

fuck all of you Im here to talk to myself again

thought I had vastly underestimated the second career of Borat guy

I think God has me muted

I'm sorry but Instagram should not be making any sound. Or have a video editor. You should only be able to view 3 pictures a day

i’m fiscally insane & socially abnormal

I hope this email finds you in a nightmare of your own making

these aren't bits guys this is just my lived experience