TINFOIL HAT TIME LMAO there's a small chance Lindsey Graham was actually blown up in Ukraine

the way my cat darts out the back door the second I open it up for her and then takes six steps and immediately starts chilling in the sun ♥️♥️♥️

warrenallen running their spring ad thru the summer makes me think that annoying voice-over guy asked for too much money to do the summer one

replacing the harmonica with a melodica... HOLY SHIT I want to hear this

I do not understand The Gremlins and they are not welcome inside my home due to their behaviour

this is how u get an orchard

did I sleep a full 8 hrs bc some loathsome, murderous cunt finally died? well, it's an empirical question...

bad week for guys with first or last name Graham

lots going on

Q is always like, "pull this leever doubleohseven"

this stuff STINKS like crazy, I know the delivery guy's truck kept reeking after he dropped it off

belatedly getting into nail care after my cuticles really giving me a hard time, so u know my ass bought some fragrance free products about it

taking my glasses off before I take a shit so I don't get microscopic poop particles adhered to them

has anyone else noticed disgusting red, white, and blue Christmas lights on some of their neighbors' houses this month? took me until last night to notice but wow, gross

with regard to wearing cycling bibs; comfort on the saddle is paramount and shorts always end up sagging 🚴‍♂️🤷‍♂️

dumping milk into the instant pot to make yogurt and getting livid when I notice fat left over inside the jug that did not make it inside and I can't reach with a spatula

dedicated bulk bin shoppers will never have to buy a small wastebasket trash bag ever in their lives

hanging out while u listen to your fav funny podcast and staring into your eyes with my dark, expressionless gaze as you laugh your ass off

shoutout everyone that likes all my reposts but not my posts. I get it.

do you use baby talk with animals or do you respect all creatures as noble

it's such a tell when someone says "decimate" and from the context it's clear they mean much more than "kill 10% of something" when that's all it actually means

cut myself down from 4 cookies a night before bed to 3 bc after all these yrs im finally starting to get fat :( like classic love handles :((( gonna start doing planks again bc this sux

made cookie dough with dried cherries in it and just had the terrifying experience of finding a cherry pit in a cookie, very fortunately I didn't chomp the hell down on it! I've eaten pounds of these cherries in trail mix and never came across a pit before

only buying weed concentrates on the "holidays" (4/20 and 7/10 huh huh huh) has permitted me to stock up for the rest of the year at formidable discount cutting back massively to stretch it, of course, has also helped with that goal

tired at the end of a draining day time to make some real dogshit posts

bedeviled eggs

nothing like a cigarette to make me spit 100 times

today I heard what I later determined was the sound of all the water in my pipes gurgling out of the house completely, making me uneasy when I tried the kitchen faucet I got nothing and figured something was fucked up, went out back to run a spigot off the irrigation (separate from house) and I

I'm gonna be so embarrassed if I caught that parasite

squirrel in the birdbath

hard to describe how happy I was for Eduardo Valencia getting that hr on his first mlb at bat, dude was so openly emotional in his postgame interview

got some minerals in the mail today, need to finish off the first batch then start with 5 gal distilled then dissolve the carefully measured blend into it i think the topo Chico flavor will be good with lemonade but idk if root beer/cream soda is gonna fly

70 g of popcorn in 2:15 in the microwave 11 g unpopped kernels leftover ~84% efficiency, I think I can finesse the cooking time to improve

what if I serenaded you with a face melting prog rock shred solo on the minions synthesizer

poppy vocal harmonies saying shit like "uh huh" "yeah" "wow" but they've all got that goofy sound from being tuned down 2 octaves

Centrists be like: jazz is about notes

about to make rice congee for the 3rd time in the past month, my damn guts keep bedeviling my ass

saying "pack of noodle" like "macanudo"

when one of the chicken thighs in the pack is way smaller than the rest I think to myself, "damn as if living and dying in a factory farm doesn't suck bad enough, This chicken was probably being relentlessly shit talked by its peers"

dipping crackers in ghee

C is for Cat

although I'm a "stoner," i guess, I've never once thought to get my cat high; it seems invasive and presumptuous if she was struggling with her appetite, though, I'd gently exhale a little vape hit into her ear to see if it helped her medicinally 🥺

why hire a writer for Jeopardy when it seems like there's enough people looking for the job that you could trick them into writing all the questions for free before even giving an interview to anybody?

neighbors moved overseas again, at least dude stopped by to say "peace" this time unlike 3 yrs ago when suddenly their dipshit tenants moved in

I've eaten so many poached eggs when my stomach was feeling weak that I've probably classically conditioned myself into thinking I was sick if I tried to eat them when I felt fine or whatever

Sleigh Bells song in some boring pharmaceutical ad lmao 🤑

idk how I'd handle getting lots of interaction with my posts, it's much easier to keep track of the data points of 1-5 ppl that vibe with each little weird ass thing I say and the unique "constellation" of ppl's mental activation it catalyzes

hiding every post I interact with to help me focus on the posts I haven't seen more efficiently

turns out it's just lemon puree so I got some bulk organic cane sugar and made up some 1:1:1 simple syrup with water and mixed that with the carbonated keg water about 1:4-5 ratio that cane sugar is fucking tasty

a lot of "bad posture" is the chronic effect of physically letting your heart sink for years