post from Daily Bird Facts: all female cardinals are lesbian. all male cardinals are bisexual. reply from Patriot bird facts - COUNTERNARRATIVE: What your doing is inexcusable

the suspiciously birdlike homie: talk shit about dinosaurs one more time.

DaFructivorousGoblin liked your post: why dont they make the whole apple out of the core DaFructivorousGoblin sent you a message: you seem cool

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Grant me the serenity to accept the qBittorrent speeds I cannot change, the courage to install a dozen firefox privacy extensions, and the wisdom to know which one is currently breaking this website.

for fans of boredom, it doesn't get much better than nothing

intelligence is knowing that all advertisements are evil. wisdom is letting your deep-seated hatred for them dominate all aspects of your life

Sending a sinister looking bird out to survey the company work conference before I go in

I only watch the Superbowl for the moments of stillness between plays

there are phases of the moon that scientists still don't understand

every morning, emails from adam tooze form in my inbox like drops of dew

feel a bit guilty for making fun of Chomsky because you’re only supposed to make fun of living people and dead people. People in the weird shadow zone in between have it hard enough already

The Internet, our home, is beginning to look like an immense pile of filth.

an extremely chill klaxon blares in pleasant city

Your Honor, as much as I would love to "do it normal this time", I believe the medium of dance is vital to my defense

start over and explain like i'm five. okay stop. start over and explain like you're my father and you're proud of me. try to use the words "i love you"

not guilty by reason of insanity. guilty again by reason of: isn't insanity the only rational response to this insane world?

for once why can't an elevator just be happy where it is

son, please, don't rush into this. you have the rest of your life to be emo

experimental prenatal test determines whether your child will be emo

the ideal operating system would make using the computer completely impossible

guy who invented the single whammy: let's see them try to top this one

slice of life so thin it liquefies in the pan with just a little oil. (smiling as a rogue wave silently barrels toward our ship)

grindset mayfly: many only think about the next 5 minutes. start making moves based on where you want to be in 5 hours

✦ ・ ∙ ・ • ∙ ・ 🦭

that gap on my resume is because i listened to too much elliott smith in high school

At 10k followers Bluesky will release me back into the wild

me: in cereal society, overlarge cornflakes are treated like gods among mortals. yet they all get eaten with the same spoon. cornflake spy: (disguised as a human) interesting. tell me more about this 'spoon'

hand-tinged with regret by our artisan has-beens

Sex grew in popularity over the decades following its invention in the 1960s. Though still practiced today [by whom?], its public image changed drastically in the wake of 9/11.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

checking my phone to see what time it is. checking my antique pocket watch to see what time it would be in the 1870s

We interviewed 5 million microbes from the GI tract of Greasy Hank, the least healthy man in America

Favorite albums of 2025

(showing you my collection of mere distinctions) i'm big into differences lately

make sure they put enough atoms in there. they like to use void as a filler

you could wish for one gas station hot dog and save a few bucks, or you could wish for half-price hot dogs forever and save hundreds of dollars a month

before the invention of floors there was absolutely no place to store clothing

waiter: we don't have bang. is whimper okay? me: ive never been okay in my entire life

Pascal's Parlay

worshiping a false idol or two as a hedge against christianity

asking a highly specialized beetle 'is this niche taken?' and not waiting for the answer

you should get a notification when someone achieves something you were kinda thinking about doing

MMXXVI is the year i finally learn arabic numerals

probably won't move on to 2026 until i 100% 2025

surrounded: one political prisoner vs twenty armed guards

whenever i order a pizza i always fill up on the cardboard box first

thinking about a banana from a few years back. i can't imagine how ripe it must be now

simon: how about... 'jesus the christ'? peter: no 'the'. it's cleaner jesus: 'jesus christ'... now i could get used to that

White House steals ice cream cone from young child, citing national security concerns