Pain is weakness destroying the body

Fresh Unto Death

5000 year old bit discovered in present-day Iraq "Judging by contemporaneous sources, the humor wasn't necessarily clear at the time either"

researchers warn of sugar-resistant 'super medicines' that could take as many as four or five spoonfuls to go down

Patrick Stewart was invented [discovered?] in Yorkshire, England in the early 1940s.

My latest for the Atlantic: Why I Left the Koi Pond by the Entrance to the Zoo 𝘕𝘰, 𝘮𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘪𝘵.

(jfk doing a jlp post) on of mot appear

it can be seen by unraveling definitions that special cases are a special case of generalities, which are simply special case objects in the case-enriched category of generalized quasi-caseoids

in 451, the council of chalcedon established *definitively* that jesus was both fully australian and fully chinese

getting nostalgic over the food flakes they put in my tank 12 seconds ago

checking the comments on my aquarium and its all the same goldfish posting 'anyone still swimming in 2026?' over and over

frantically shouting "don't laugh" in my funny grey alien voice

i work at a nonprofit teaching aliens improv comedy and pretty much every sketch ends with total annihilation of the earth

they replaced my maslow pyramid with a 5-over-1. the sushi place where my physiological needs used to be is actually really good

me: (barely audible over seal - kiss from a rose) i think i have anxiety therapist: (turning up the volume) have you tried listening to seal - kiss from a rose?

the laurels in the fridge are MINE. im resting on them later. unopened thing in the cabinet is fair game

leaving my eleven year old son at the fire station bc he didn't tell me it was jody's birthday yesterday

requesting the entire ring cycle at a piano bar

I have so many photos of James Gandolfini that my phone thinks he's my dad

They should invent a new type of motions that you don’t have to even bother going through

developing a new style of cooking based on crowding the pan, salting before you taste, and not waiting for the oven to preheat

(turning over a new leaf) i could really go for the old leaf rn

party got awkward because you wouldn't stop referencing curb your enthusiasm? there's a curb episode for that

local woman slices hand and dies 5000 times while cleaning food processor

i don't even have anything to report i just love proper channels

(texting the gc): anybody want to grab smth to eat later? the serpentine homie: my own tail sounds 🔥 rn

the best days of your life are like the weather. don't like them? just wait 15 minutes

they did narcissism of small differences on something basically indistinguishable from a grape

my 75th-worst fear is that if i get a job i won't have enough time for my lists

i'm really worried that capital won't continue to devour more and more facets of modern life until we're all reduced to scales of the serpent eating its own tail

i made my millions writing mba-style books for slackers with titles like 'work smart, play harder' and 'the mediocrity principle'

well maybe i would treat my subjects with more compassion if they stopped storming my massive, opulent palace every five minutes

Proto-Euphratean (also called Minionese) is a hypothesized substratum of the Sumerian language. The term "Banana Language" has been proposed based on a characteristic reduplication of syllables in names (e.g. Inanna, Zababa). It is identified with the Minion material culture of Ubaid-era Iraq

judge: on the date of the crime, you posted 'plausible deniability >>>>>>>' to bluesky. would you care to explain that? me: lots of people have my password, your honor. who knows which one posted that?

i refuse to learn why willful ignorance is bad. no way i'd like the answer

an apple a day keeps the doctor away for the first couple billion apples, but once you hit 2147483648 it flips and they start to swarm you

You consumed STRANGE DINNER [x1] 𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥... 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘴𝘵? - 2 CHA - 1 CON Your reputation among GOBLINS has permanently increased!

Their putrid slop vs. our nutrient-rich prebiotic ooze

'explaining' to my new alien friend that it's customary for guests to pick up the tab and his giant elliptical eyes start glowing red

Q: Do spiders have sex? Having a hard time picturing that A: no thats nasty.

for the record: it's NEVER okay to call for a persecution campaign. people who joke about it disgust me. we should find all of them and teach them a lesson

honestly those paintings with peepholes in the eyes are a solution looking for a problem. don't ever get them. anyway, you said you wanted privacy—might i suggest the art gallery?

if you aren't losing 2-3 lab assistants on the regular your unnatural experiments with life and death arent nearly ill-advised enough

this was hilarious when i was half asleep this morning

'the only way out is through' —someone who didn't spend six months digging a secret tunnel just in case

a broken clock is right twice a day. once when it says 'good morning', and once when it says 'good night'

friendly reminder that thoughts require wide open spaces to thrive. please don't keep any of them to yourself

zen concept 'first rodeo mind'

Q: What happens to money when you spend it? Is it gone forever? A: Spent money returns to the cosmic well from which all things draw. It's considered polite to sacrifice oneself to allow new money to take its place.