angel on my shoulder: (checking watch) eh im off the clock. who gives a shit

yup lol

i dislike led headlights because i mistake them for the mothership and get too excited about going home

freaking out and panicking when i realize the "i may dig unsafely again" post is on twitter not bluesky

offering a medieval peasant a single real-time update

1. Improved Powerball odds 2. Adoption of the McRib as a permanent menu item 3. Democratic control over the selection of Oreo flavors

that gap on my resume is actually an image of a vase

(2:15 pm) yooo pull up were employing the forbidden stratagem (2:19 pm) can you pick up (3:06 pm) hey were allies right?

china independently discovered alex jones more than a century before the united states

Lifetime statistics ------- Knowing glances exchanged: 18,976 Eyes screwed up: 28,291 Toothy grins flashed: 23,182

my main takeaway from fairy tales is that people were constantly making deals and bargains

They’re slowly introducing broader concepts to me

STOP ENJOYING BEAUTIFUL WEATHER. YOU ARE PLAYING INTO ITS HANDS

(Zoom meeting presenting a bar chart): any questions on Q3 before we move on to forecasts? Me: uh, can we imagine the bars as skyscrapers where the data works? Or are they little smokestacks at a data factory? Presenter:…they’re stelae, that the data can’t understand but worship regardless

6500 year old aphex twin discovered in turkey

(2 billion years ago) genie: are you sure? prokaryote: (introducing evil into the world) uhhuh. more nutrient . pls

Love these guys. The ducks

It was custom for dinosaurs to fossilize their dead

Medieval Game Show: "Who Wants To Be a Legitimate Heir?"

Suggested: Why is the beast so rough? More about the beast's hour Where is the beast slouching toward?

wikipedia list of unknown unknowns

We live in a time, but also in a place… or perhaps both. And lots of things are like this

doing the windows startup sound at karaoke

hey my roommate's out. you want to come listen to the rite of spring and get scared?

at the peak of the berlin bass drop, over twelve thousand tons of funky beats were flown in every day from allied countries

because of rationing during world war ii most raves had to slow down to 70 or 80 bpm

Fr

Note: A previous version of this article referred to the subject in a disparaging tone. The author has since developed loving-kindness for all sentient beings and revised the article accordingly.

why dont they just make the whole book out of the cover

Flying Squirrel Loves It Every Time

The wings of some butterflies serve as a defence mechanism by mimicking threats, like the eyes of a predator, or the look on a predator's face when it's about to tell a long, boring story about predation that isn't even that interesting to other predators.

security experts recommend changing your allegiances every 2-4 weeks

data breach exposes exact positions and momenta of billions of subatomatic particles

son: i don't want to mother: go on, you're wonderful at it son: (pathetic warning display) grandfather: (skittering angrily) you haven't raised him

(loading screen tip) watch 2-3 episodes of curb your enthusiasm to restore your health bar

(motionless) sometimes i feel like im just going through the motions

shit, falconer's coming. pretend you can't hear him

when i'm washing my hands i can never remember if you're supposed to get them clean or just wet

under woke 2 everyone will learn the IPA so i never have to decipher a dictionary's bespoke phonetic spelling monstrosity again

sorry officer the extra hour of sleep is making me hyper

first wish: the reward button works every time. second wish: no more shocks. don't need the third wish

going as a cave painting for halloween

i'm two or three showers away from being clean forever

sorry man i gotta crash here tonight it's raining and there are too many frogs on the road to risk driving

i refuse to buy anything that says 'rinse, repeat' with no exit condition. i've lost too many people

Just close your eyes and enjoy the breeze on your face. Ignore that it’s from falling

RELIEF: Missing hiker was kind of a bum

was boorish at the garden party again award

It's unclear how premodern humans viewed advertisements