telling my mom my stupidity is a mathematical inevitability

writing good posts is like throwing rocks at your followers until they start laughing

babe check this out *bounces a paddle ball in your face for 3 minutes*

today I am prying out rusty #staples with my #screwdriver. What did you #do with your #day? 😊 #activities #health

bro have you seen the latest robit

thanking the gen alpha taco bell employee for their service

american guy saying "I'll see you in Valhalla" means he's excited to be your afterlife buddy while you are both being hunted for sport for eternity

every day I go to my job clock in rotate a potato in my head for 8 hours and thank God for this beautiful Country

bro pass the tsahh tsai kai sauce

what kind of pizza do you want

playing the song you posted and it gets stuck in my head for the rest of my life

entering my general state of emotion into my car's gps and sitting back as the autopilot drives me to some location

someone needs to forge a ton of money with AI so these idiots are forced to spay and neuter their dumbass tech

scientists are saying "Woah"

every month I pour my failed potions down this here gopher hole

scouring my spell tome for "conjure muscle tissue"

They call it a closet because you put your clos in et

making the brave hero fight through my army of weak ass skeletons and losing my shit when they blow right through them with no issue

sqwoksh

my washing machine started leaking within a week of moving in so I'm evil now

instead of going on dates my wife and I take turns stress eating the salami in the fridge

wisening up to the fact that getting called over to fix a problem is office code for shooting the shit and killing time on the clock

society balances on you being mildly inconvenienced by at least one mouthbreather every day. They have their part to play and so do you. We're in this together

grandpa became normal after we bought him a smartphone

bro play the one that goes joanofarcer aphrodiiiiiiiteeeaahh

always remember to cut up the plastic 6 pack rings so they're easier for critters to swallow

sorry to weigh in on this shit but as someone who regrettably got onboard the libertarian Ron Paul hype train in 2012 as a young voter, I'll give credit to people like Kirk for straightening me out and making me realize early on that entire school of thought is about as morally fucked as it gets lol

bro drink your big black cow and get outta here. Bitch

if we stand on the shoulders of giants then I'm pissing right on their big dumb heads

experts are calling it "awesomesauce"

sad clown smashing his own foot with a giant mallet furiously screaming "DON'T LAUGH" again and again and again

shouting "Disable notifications" at my chatty coworker

this is my son, Bulky/Large.

It wasn't my fault. Really. He just fell over. I hardly touched him.

Lardge country. Lardge money. Lardge wife. Lardge life.

millions shocked when the bug making an incredibly high pitched screeching noise going EEEEEEEEE at all times gets squished

tonight I will be drinking oktoberfest märzen and going absolutely crazy with my new carpet cleaner

they called me a cheeky chappie so I responded with overwhelming force

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. If I go to bed with a full bladder I will always dream about needing to find a bathroom and risk wetting the bed if I do find one

it's ok guys I saw they are banning people on reddit who are pro violence. It's gonna be ok

my computer's pinocchio nose has been going crazy lately

playing the song you posted while standing dramatically in the pouring rain

british edm critic be like "wonderful beeps boops luv"

when your cat hits you with the creaky meow that's when you know it's bed time

reading the wikipedia for the simpsons and laughing

jackened Jill fucked up my shit

Virginia Screech