Thought I’d try and have a bit of a lie-in today, for once. Wide awake since half past bastard four. [Ivan Lendl face]

Today is 15 years to the day I took three trains to travel from Switzerland to France to see Snuff. This is (I hope) the only video on YouTube with me in it. Got back home and mentioned having "a bit of a sore throat". The rest is history. www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-zj...

Nothing but love and sympathy for Henry Nowak's family and friends. Not only for their shattering grief and devastation, but the stance they have taken against the self-serving, extremist opportunism of grifting cunts.

This is really well done by @vanhollen.senate.gov. A litany of Trump’s foreign policy disasters and documentation of Rubio’s hypocrisy. You all ought to take a few minutes and have a listen.👇

I do regret having that brief, unhealthy interest in true crime documentaries years ago, because now when I go into Amazon Prime looking for a comedy or a thriller, the algorithm constantly nudges me in the ribs, going "wouldn't you rather watch 'The Potato Peeler Murders: A Latvian Story' instead?"

I see Tom Waits is in the new Martin McDonagh film. And Rockwell and Malkovich look like they're having a whale of a time. www.youtube.com/watch?v=Haw_...

Nigel Farage: A cross between a poorly-wiped arse and Jim Davidson's internet search history.

A fox quadrat ? ! Shared by Karen Chignell on Facebook for your #FoxOfTheDay today

A little thing that did raise a smile last night was seeing an interview with Damon Hill, wherein he confirmed that fewer people ask him about his World Championship win than they do Bob Mortimer's scotch egg story.

Does anyone else have neighbours from hell? You know - the kind of people who don’t even thank you or applaud when you try to cheer them up by playing System Addict by Five Star on the theremin in their garden at 4am whilst dressed as Timothy Claypole off Rentaghost.

Some doctor on the radio earlier, claiming that there's no such thing as a "super food". Err - it's written on the fucking packaging, mate.

Mr Kipling. Now there’s an unsavoury character.

That sense of mild disorientation you feel when a song you’ve heard hundreds of times on a mixtape you made is played on the radio, and isn’t immediately followed by the song you were expecting.

Typos. The bane of my liNIPPLECLAMPSfe.

The typo perils of the having O and P next to each other on a keyboard become apparent when stating that what the world really needs is more heroes.

My review of 4′33″ by John Cage: 10/10, no notes.

Whilst I take no particular pleasure in Arsenal losing, I am allowing myself a small smile at the thought of Piers Morgan's face right now.

It doesn’t matter how many hundreds of times I see it, Mark Heap being terrified of his own dog in Friday Night Dinner will always make me fall off my fucking chair laughing.

I actually saw a "serving suggestion" on a bag of shredded lettuce yesterday. And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Don't go to Pennsylvania thinking it's full of pencils, because it isn't. The travel agent won't refund you. Trust me.

In case anyone fancies a fucking good laugh. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Cat Stevens with incredible Bob Katter “every three months a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in North Queensland” energy:

DUPE onlookers into believing you’re on Who Do You Think You Are? by crying in the reference section of a library.

Currently for sale on Amazon as “fair condition”.

They say that "all roads lead to Rome", but I drove along the A53 last week, and ended up in Shrewsbury. Talking out of their arse.

Thought I’d play a proper video game today.

Can't Get You Out Of My Shed

There is an online Aussie 80s radio station I listen to a lot, as a comfort blanket of sorts. It broadcasts a lot of jokes. One or two of which are mine. But it plays a lot of stuff I’ve never heard before. Like this 1983 gem from kiwi band Dragon. Stone cold banger 👍 youtu.be/WuSCiJofGhk?...

There's nothing here for you

@govindajeggy.bsky.social Alright, Sanj? Looking forward to more series of The Chief and Dept. Q. Keep me posted, and I’ll promise I’ll send you a packet of your favourite crisps* 👍 *Crisp promises may not be honoured.

Queuing in the newsagent today, lost quietly in my thoughts, then a random memory of that Simon Munnery joke vaulted into my head - “People love nature, don’t they? Until it’s growing out of a cup” - and a spluttercoughlaugh exploded out of my mouth, so I can obviously never go back there again.

If you’re wondering what the Pet Shop Boys use to wash their hands, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a…. It's a sink.

For those in search of a nugget of genuine loveliness, Local Hero is on Film4 at half past four today.

I see Sarah Brightman’s follow-up to I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper has got a really bleak, Rogue Traders vibe to it.

“Alright, I give up - where are the eggs?” Me in every supermarket since about 1981.

Went to that new nightclub Arthritic Toe yesterday. It’s a cracking little joint.

“All 4-1. Oh and one 4 all” d’Artagnan, not really taking his pools coupon seriously.

Obviously I’ve had all the windows open today, and just now, while I was playing some music, the living room door slammed shut at the exact moment that opening snare drum crashes in the intro to She Sells Sanctuary by The Cult, and I have genuinely never felt more alive.

I know exactly what you're thinking - “I’m fed up with posts about the hot weather and the precarious geopolitical landscape, so how about a picture of a squirrel eating a Tunnock's Tea Cake instead?" NO PROBLEM.

if anyone asks for my cause of death just tell them i saw pedro pascal being mauled by puppies

I find it hard to relate to anyone who has never been momentarily startled by a discarded tomato stalk, thinking it was some kind of deadly spider.

Just seen Liam Neeson weighing himself. He has a very particular set of scales.

I bought some takeaway containers for when I leave food for my parents. They love that.

I was going to write one of those guides about staying cooler in hot weather, but only got as far as “1) Move to Finland”.

Sweet skateboarding Moses it is proper Caroline Aherne Chanel 9 weather out there.

I’m always slightly disappointed when I see “Best Boy” in film and TV credits and there isn’t just a massive picture of a dog.

George Best’s 80th birthday a few days ago. You forget just how long The Wedding Present have been around.

Anything more than "this heat can fuck right off" is a waste of time and words, weather presenters.

Probably chose the wrong day to clear out the loft whilst wearing a bear costume.