Ah yes, Sunday night. Time to get into bed, turn off the light, and really stew for a good 3 hours over every awkward remark I made in Freshers Week, 1-7 October 2012.

In my local Tesco. Huge respect for the DJ on Tesco Radio playing ‘American Idiot’ followed by ‘Trouble In America’. Even after paying I waited, so excited was I for a perfect hattrick - but, sadly, they lost their nerve and opted for the somewhat rogue ‘Walking In The Air’ from The Snowman.

“Do the job. Do the job. Do it. Yes. Yes. Steal the President of Venezuela.”

Have any 20-something British comedians joked about Trump winning the FIFA Peace Prize, ideally on a BBC Radio 4 comedy quiz? I dunno, might dent his ambitions.

You might say you can watch her THRICE KNIGHTLEY

I’ve a lot of respect for the off license near my flat, who’ve tackled Dry January head on with a ragged cardboard sign which simply reads BOOZE JANUARY.

I’m absolutely buzzing for Dry January: get to lord it over everyone for 31 days, before immediately consuming more metric units of alcohol than a French semi-industrialised seaside town.

I’m so hungover I just wished the talking Virgin Trains toilet a happy new year.

“Ok Donald, one last time: these Russian sanctions are small, but the ones out there are far away.”

Posting this from my dusty bed at 11:30am as I shovel scrambled eggs with chopsticks and suck Capri Sun direct from the pouch.

You’re telling me - you should see us at Hanukkah…

I’m absolutely buzzing for Dry January: get to lord it over everyone for 31 days, before immediately consuming more metric units of alcohol than a French semi-industrialised seaside town.

My two mates with quite possibly the most middle class conversation I’ve seen in years.

You’re telling me - you should see us at Hanukkah…

I miss this. People living in the moment. Just a young Italian-American assassinating a drug kingpin and a corrupt New York cop, thereby maintaining his Mafia family’s security but simultaneously crossing from innocence into their world of moral ambiguity, evil and death. Not a cell phone in sight.

“You, boy, why the fuck have I woken up to everyone talking about Christopher Biggins?”

I miss this. People living in the moment. Just a young Italian-American assassinating a drug kingpin and a corrupt New York cop, thereby maintaining his Mafia family’s security but simultaneously crossing from innocence into their world of moral ambiguity, evil and death. Not a cell phone in sight.

See you after Boxing Day lunch, everyone, just off to enjoy a nice hot stuffing x

Just won another game. So, while I’m at it - why don’t YOU write better essays about Tess Of The D’Urbervilles, Mr Benyon, you old bag of bollocks.

What Sean Connery asks for in the gay clubs of Paris:

This Christmas evening, I’m going to drink 10 lagers mixed with my hayfever tablets and randomly text every single one of my ex-girlfriends since 2010, in honour of Jesus Christ and Captain Tom who died for our sins RIP.

Special thanks today to my Maths teacher, Mr Stone. When an electric oven is 220 degrees, let x be a fan oven, then solve for both temperature and time. God bless the forgotten hero of Christmas: GCSE Maths.

Me? Hiding behind the washing machine? Wrapping presents? At 12:45pm on Christmas Day? With my reputation?!

Merry Christmas, my Bluesky friends x

Just won our first Christmas game of Scrabble so wherever you are my English teacher Mr Carroll why don’t you just go fuck yourself.

Not even 9:30pm on Christmas Eve, and I’ve already received my first “Why don’t you get AI to write your novel for you?” Stay strong, writers, it’s gonna be a loooong Christmas. #writing #screenwriting #ScriptSky #ScriptSkyUK #BookSky

I have never read or watched A Christmas Carol, but I don’t need to. I will simply continue to amass my enormous fortune. Then, when I’m old and rich, everyone will love me.

"You'll be visited by three spirits." The three spirits:

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die - but NOT for Tiny Tim.

Just won our first Christmas game of Scrabble so wherever you are my English teacher Mr Carroll why don’t you just go fuck yourself.

My Nanna says it's "not very butch" that I know all the words to The Sound Of Music. Seems like someone's quite the Baroness Von Schraeder this evening.

If you upload a photo from Christmas lunch featuring two parents in what looks like a functional and healthy marriage, I’m sorry but my opinion of your achievements in life will absolutely plummet.

This sign would be absolutely pointless within 10 miles of my flat, I can tell you that much.

Flashback to last Christmas, when my mum handed me this present and said “It’s not what you hope it is”, and I honestly didn’t know where to look.

Flashback to Christmas Day 2019 with my ex’s whole family. Her very sincere mum brings out a Christmas hamper adorned with a festive reindeer. But this turns out to be, in fact, a stag…

Flashback to Christmas Day 2019 with my ex’s whole family. Her very sincere mum brings out a Christmas hamper adorned with a festive reindeer. But this turns out to be, in fact, a stag…

Woke up this morning sweating from a nightmare where Paul McCartney and Phil Collins made me choose between them as they undertook a high-profile legal battle for sole custody of me. But yeah, otherwise feeling really relaxed about Christmas at home this year.

[nervous whisper] Is the John Le Carré book actually about steamy throuples?

Jesus Christ, Easter Saturday, 33 AD.

And it seems to me you lived your life Like a korma in the window

This feels weirdly Aztec.

Hi, I’m an aspiring comedian and improviser, and I’m thrilled to announce that my comedy‘s been highly praised by none other than TV’s David Walliams. Before I definitely print this quote on all my posters, I’m just gonna check online and see what people are saying about Mr Walliams this eveni

Hi, I’m an aspiring comedian and improviser, and I’m thrilled to announce that my comedy‘s been highly praised by none other than TV’s David Walliams. Before I definitely print this quote on all my posters, I’m just gonna check online and see what people are saying about Mr Walliams this eveni

Martin Luther, 1517.

[lips on mic] Gravy is a soup.

Martin Luther, 1517.

Not every drug is a ‘recreational high’. Let’s normalise words like: pingers, zingers, uppers, charlie, chang, naughty sand, guilty silt, the devil’s pebbles, pesky dust, Sir Anthony Eden, amazon crumbs, tiny bricks, cocaine, droogs, diddy footballs, Len Goodman, weird barley.

I’m absolutely buzzing for this upcoming war. I’ll recreate ‘A Field In England’, but instead of gorging on magic mushrooms, I’m gonna hide in a foxhole with three Russian conscripts and we’ll just watch funny TikTok videos until it all blows over.

I’m only bayoneting a Cossack if I get a mortgage and my disposable vapes back.

“We’ve made Hot Fuzz American by mistake.”