I simply refuse to believe this isn’t a Chris Morris sketch:

I simply refuse to believe this isn’t a Chris Morris sketch:

The Night of the Schlong Knives

The Night of the Schlong Knives

I Wanna Be Ignored.

I Wanna Be Ignored.

Sorry who’s writing these fortune cookies, fucking Mao?

Wow ok. I was a huge fan of Joey Barton when he assaulted a 15-year-old boy, hospitalised a teammate, beat his wife, defended a racially-aggravated murder, stubbed a cigar in a teenager's eye, and just leathered a guy with a baseball bat. But his sexist tweets are too much, I'm unfollowing him now 😢

One month before my 33rd bday, I’ve just had an offer accepted on my first flat. No parental help, did it all on my own. What a relief. I can’t wait to finally lie down every night in my own flat, turn out the lights, and really stew over every single mistake I’ve ever made since about 2012. Bliss 🙏

Whenever I get too cocky, I think back to a comedy gig when I told what I thought was the best joke I’d ever written - a pun combining Alan Turing with jazz music - to total silence, before the musical comedy act after me got a genuine ovation for rhyming “spoon” with “spoon”.

Abbey Toads

You and me both, Claude, you and me fucking both.

When it’s the first day of sunshine in London, outside any pub, on literally any available inch of pavement:

Lamar wants to have children with his girlfriend. The problem? He needs to get a fucking grip.

Niles: Frasier, come quickly. My antiques scout has just found a quill which once belonged to Jean Jacques Rousseau- Frasier: Niles, let me stop you there. The Bored Ape Yacht Club is a collection of 10,000 Bored Ape NFTs, unique digital collectibles living on the Ethereum blockchain.

“I have showed Mr Trump and Mr Netanyahu some of your hottest Bluesky posts.”

The sense of superiority I feel when I read “Dogecoin”, and I know the doges were the rulers of medieval and early-modern Venice, quickly evaporates when I remember that I didn’t invest in it and that I will always be a poor and wretched fucking peasant.

Nature is healing. Britain is back. We are so goddamn back.

But Arsenal fans will still tell you Arteta is better.

We laugh at Stath Lets Flats for being hopeless but, two years ago, a real life lettings agent turned up to my viewing and said “Sorry, I’ve forgotten the keys”, then pointed up at the council block from the road and asked, “So, what do you reckon, yes or no?”

He didn’t like a series of comic misunderstandings and I was Frasier and Niles Crane hosting a fucking elegant black-tie soirée.

I bet he does, the dirty old bollocks.

Sexy Channel 4 cancelling Frasier reruns

Ladies, ladies, please, one at a time!

the Labubourgeoisie

No, YOU get a girlfriend!!

Literally the only thing this man cannot buy is to be funny.

I’m sure she’s a nice person, but I’d rather chew through my fucking fuse box than live like this.

This pub’s a bit measly with the tapas.

I’m writing a drama about a maverick detective, but the twist is that he has a really settled home life. Two cars at home. No mortgage. Four kids, all privately educated (until sixth form at least). Two holidays last year. Could have had an affair, but decided against. He’s absolutely crushing it.

Honest to God I thought this was Ed Miliband.

Just got out of hospital. I said, “Just one jab for me, Doctor. I’m driving...driving you out for a steak dinner!” Two nurses simultaneously swooned. Crowd went wild. The doc almost wet herself with glee. I high-fived a retired admiral and swung out the window on a chandelier. Honestly, goosebumps

Wow, ok. We were all huge fans of his before, but surely this is too much.

All this Andrew talk suddenly reminds me that with my own two eyes I’ve seen a minor royal snort coke in a Mayfair nightclub toilet. But which royal was it, Chris Kamara?!

I feel weirdly strongly that Gyles Brandreth has got away with far too much for far too long.

I desperately need Toby Jones to make an ITV drama about the walk between the Piccadilly and Victoria lines in Green Park Station.

Fuck That

Just remembered my mum’s on Bluesky ☠️

Moped whizzed past and the rider screamed “Fuck vinegar bro” so clearly I’m in Four Lions.

I lost my virginity at exactly the same moment Osama Bin Laden was shot in the head. A crushing and humiliating night simultaneously in both the Al Qaeda stronghold of Abbottabad and west Wimbledon.

All three charities in Waitrose could be titles of plucky underdog British films starring Colin Firth.

Harry Potter and the Contribution of Nothing.

God forbid a woman has a hobby

Almost two years since the best Valentine’s Day of my life:

'Sainsbury's are selling same-sex Valentine's Day cards for the first time ever.' That’s unbelievable… …what about zero sex cards, where do I find those?! Haha ok nice one guys, take it easy, and enjoy the day responsibly 😉😉😇😇🙏🙏

Almost two years since the best Valentine’s Day of my life:

Do I have a serious drinking problem, or am I just an average British person meeting up with an old work colleague I barely remember after work?

As my birthday approaches, please enjoy this photo of my 20th birthday, which looks very much like my mum and I released our own Britpop album.

It’s not even mid-February and they’re already announcing shows on sale for Edinburgh Fringe 2026. My heart goes out to you performers out there: there’s nothing quite like dropping £2,000 on registering a show and wishing you were fucking dead 🤗

by Vladoner Nakebab.