Please, for the love of Christ, read another book.

"Cruz Beckham has dropped his debut single 'Optics' which reached #79 on the UK Singles Chart." Fuck. Me. If you think his brother can't cook, you should hear this kid sing.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce.

An Evri deliveryman is currently fighting for his life to get this to my stepfather’s house by 5pm today.

Everything reminds me of her 💔

You can't play sax and dole out coke on live telly anymore. Because of woke.

9 years tutoring kids in the evenings. The dad’s just offered me a beer. He didn’t think I’d say yes. It’s tense. I don’t know about banking. He doesn’t know about his kids’ homework. We’re now sitting in silence. I’m trying not to mention his hot wife, although to be fair it might get things moving

He’s absolutely shat himself. Yank melt. 1-0. Up the Europe. Ode to fucking Joy.

“We’ve carpet bombed Reykjavík by mistake.”

Donald chuckling, “My chauffeur, he makes a little less than $50k.” Not sure why his chauffeur’s catching strays ffs.

Whenever I read about China’s new “mega-embassy”, I can’t stop hearing it with exactly the same cadence as The Day Today’s “Bureau De Change”

Not saying I was a maverick in junior school - but if tea-dyeing ALL my homework was wrong, then I didn't wanna be right.

This is my What2Words.

Finally, a flag worth fighting for.

“As various people have pointed out, I grew up in large, castle-like house, which has been in my family for many centuries…”

Getting older is the dawning realisation that this guy is not a cartoonish comedy character, but a real and very possible future outcome.

Friedrich Nietzsche, 1875.

The names of the only comedians who can afford to take shows to the Edinburgh Fringe.

Inside you there are two wolves:

Logging onto Bluesky when X goes down:

Mad to think that the release of Daniel Bedingfield’s debut single ‘Gotta Get Thru This’ is now closer to the Battle of Waterloo than the present day. Goosebumps.

This is going to make posting absolute gubbins a lot harder. 5 hours in A&E, I’m going loopy. If anyone wants to add me to any lists, I’m a bit funny. If anyone wants to send me any funny posts, I’d love that too. This kinda sucks.

Who wrote this joke, Rowley Birkin QC?

This remains the greatest post of our internet age:

“We’ve submitted a logo used by the Königlich Preußische Armee, the Kaiserlich Deutsches Heer, the Reichswehr, the Wehrmacht and the Bundeswehr by mistake.”

When I was at university, a fresher turned up in full Hitler costume, moustache and all. He got asked to leave because it was “in poor taste”, and was escorted out by two other guys, one in a rasta wig and the other dressed as Jimmy Savile.

Jack Harrison from Leeds to Fiorentina is exactly the kind of preposterous transfer I crave in January. Pure, unadulterated, deranged panic signings. Honestly, goosebumps.

I have no greater example of the bleakness of privately tutoring History than, as I described the man-made famine in Soviet Ukraine 1932-33 which killed somewhere between 3 and 12 million people, my student pushing away her bowl and declaring “WAITROSE ALMONDS ARE THE WORST”

I have no greater example of the bleakness of privately tutoring History than, as I described the man-made famine in Soviet Ukraine 1932-33 which killed somewhere between 3 and 12 million people, my student pushing away her bowl and declaring “WAITROSE ALMONDS ARE THE WORST”

Remember about 4 years ago when AI image generators first arrived? I’ve just rediscovered what I was cooking up, and oh boy…

North London, £2,800 p/m excluding bills.

“As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a deluded wine mom.”

CHRIS MORRIS VOICE:

“Jed, I’ll level with you - I’m really scared.”

Just another day in my empty flat screaming “Behind!” and “Yes Chef!” like Carmy from The Bear as I boil my 5th packet of instant ramen.

Pretend you’re Hollywood star Tom Hardy by wearing all your grandad's coats and mumbling at men in hats.

Have they tried dimming the lights?

Thrilled to announce I’ve taken up jogging.

If I was locked in a room with 2 bullets, Hitler and my friend Matt who this week convinced me to start jogging, I’d shoot Matt twice.

Thought I’d pop out for a nice relaxing countryside walk

In a cave somewhere, Chris Morris has a magic lamp and two wishes left.

It featured Daphne Moon’s badly-cast brothers?

Didn’t realise all fortune cookie messages are now written by my dad.

Amorim wants the Venezuela job.

Ah yes, Sunday night. Time to get into bed, turn off the light, and really stew for a good 3 hours over every awkward remark I made in Freshers Week, 1-7 October 2012.

In my local Tesco. Huge respect for the DJ on Tesco Radio playing ‘American Idiot’ followed by ‘Trouble In America’. Even after paying I waited, so excited was I for a perfect hattrick - but, sadly, they lost their nerve and opted for the somewhat rogue ‘Walking In The Air’ from The Snowman.

“Do the job. Do the job. Do it. Yes. Yes. Steal the President of Venezuela.”

Have any 20-something British comedians joked about Trump winning the FIFA Peace Prize, ideally on a BBC Radio 4 comedy quiz? I dunno, might dent his ambitions.

You might say you can watch her THRICE KNIGHTLEY

I’ve a lot of respect for the off license near my flat, who’ve tackled Dry January head on with a ragged cardboard sign which simply reads BOOZE JANUARY.