Just explaining to my daughter why everyone goes paintballing on Easter Monday. It’s because that’s what Jesus did with the ladz (disciplez) after coming back from the MOTHERFUCKING DEAD, BITCHES

"Here here here - ask me what the word is for a shaft sunk into the ground to obtain water, oil, or gas" "ENOUGH, LULU”

I invented my own font once. Not even joking. Sold the rights to someone for £50. She’s now a multi-millionaire. I CURSE THE DAY I met Melanie Wingdings

Some days I’d rather jack. Other days, Fleetwood Mac. Depends on my mood. The important thing is not to be too dogmatic about it.

“Carpe per diem”. The amount allocated to an employee per day to seize said day.

"Punch, if you will, my stomach" Prince, trying to impress his nephews at a wedding

Christ has risen this day!

Champions only drink champagne because it sounds like 'champion'. It's why losers go to boozers & drink Tizer

Jesus: "Why hast thou forsaken me Lord?" God: "Cos you keep leaving the immersion heater on ya wee dick" #GoodFriday

The first recorded case of ADHD was Julius Caesar. Of course back then they called it BCHD

The irony is that, out of all of the members of KISS, Ace Frehley was actually the worst at tennis & rarely got a first serve in

Very efficient hitman service this: "We tried to kill you this morning but you weren't in". Apparently I can go to the depot to be terminated

People forget about the late queen’s sense of humour. Every second Friday she would go to The Comedy Store in disguise as “Lizzie Saxe-Coburg” & do a very tight twenty minutes. She was even asked to support Jo Brand on a full UK tour.

My cousin is a very unfortunate-looking individual. He has an Adam's Pineapple

I'll be honest. I thought trousers were going to be a fad

The last Gogglebox will be a live Gogglebox where they watch Gogglebox featuring them watching themselves watching Gogglebox where they’re watching Gogglebox

If I'd a pound for every time I'd had a hot dinner, I'd put the money in a no-interest account so I'd know how many hot dinners I'd had

Why don't people call their kids Goliath anymore? Honestly. ONE giant loses ONE fight…

I didn’t say the award for Feline Rear of the Year was a disaster. I said it was a cat ass trophy.

Can thoroughly recommend this new exercise regime. It involves multiple tiny repeated hand movements in a 'washing' motion. It's called Pontius Pilates

Nobody remembers the SECOND biggest pancake ever made do they? That’s 3700 eggs I won’t see back

My best friend is actually a house on fire. In case you’re wondering where that expression came from

The man you THINK is Steven Berkoff is actually the UK’s premier Steven Berkoff impersonator & winner of The Great British Berkoff

I wouldn't say Jet Set Willie was completely ZX, but he was certainly on the ZX Spectrum

How many anticlimaxes does it take to change a light bulb four

I have a Small Bang Theory which postulates that the universe was formed after someone stepped on an unopened bag of crisps.

I once followed Cliff Richard round a music shop to see if there was a height of speaker he DIDN'T like. There wasn't.

The song "I'm In The Mood For Dancing" is the reason why my uncle Dan Singh isn't allowed within 100m of the Nolans

Wayne Sleep must be very popular in Glasgow. I hear at least ten women a night screaming his name in their kids' bedrooms

That’s me officially done with the alphabet. Moving on to the gammadelt.

Buster Bloodvessel is 6”2. Which if you ask me is the height of Bad Manners

Whenever I see the name Frances De La Tour I imagine De La Soul playing a series of ice rinks in the Dordogne

"Fry's Five Centres": Stephen Fry picks his five favourite international rugby union number 12s & 13s Channel 4, 11pm

"Fry's Chocolate Cream": Stephen Fry has a week to assemble an all-Asian tribute band of the British rock supergroup Channel 4, 10pm

"Fry's Turkish Deeelite": Stephen Fry has a week to assemble a tribute band of the 90s dance act in Ankara. Channel 4, 9pm

Shuttlecock (n): needlessly loud coked-up arsehole in pinstripe suit on Glasgow-London flight

Everyone knows Jimi Hendrix played the guitar with his teeth. What they don't know is that he also ate his curries with a plectrum

Just had pâté of dogs' bollocks on sliced bread sprinkled with deep-fried bees' knees. BEST. MEAL. EVER.

I just Shazamed a fax machine & it said it was Minnie Riperton

Kate Bush’s new album will be a collaboration with The Hedge, who themselves are a collaboration between H from Steps & The Edge

Apparently at the start of every marathon the announcer says "this is a marathon not a sprint" & at least 3 people walk away swearing

My favourite jazz-singing animal rights campaigner is probably Elephants Gerald

I think I’ve been watching too much Frasier. A colleague came round and I introduced my wife as my father’s physical therapist

Goldfinger was originally going to be Schrodinger, a demented physicist who would sit stroking a dead cat that was alive

The sun has got its hat on. The hat melted of course. The sun truly is a daft fucker

Old MacDonald still has the farm. Young MacDonald is trying to modernise things though by selling bull semen online. E I E I O

Visitors to Kinross should know that its full name is Fucking Ross

Erotic Erotic Put your hands all over my body Erratic Erratic Put your jam all over my laptop

“Strait of Hormuz” sounds like the sign-off of an angry homophobic letter to the Daily Mail. Up there with “Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells”

Everyone bangs on about St Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland, but St Andrew PUNCHED A PTERODACTYL IN THE FACE #StPatricksDay