“Smothered” is a lovely word on a menu. “Smothered in barbecue sauce”. Not so much on an autopsy report

A lot of websites ask me to prove I'm not a robot. Problem is, I'm not entirely sure that I'm not a robot.

I bought some consommé. Reduced to clear.

Waitrose are doing a sale on their gravies & their jus. Some GREAT reductions.

Don’t play Battleships on a Ouija Board. I just inadvertently blew up the A5, A6 and B6. Apologies to anyone who was driving there at the time

I once went to a recruiting fair for diplomats. The basic thrust seemed to be "you can park where the fuck you like"

Days like this remind me of that classic Commodores song 'Difficult Like Tuesday Evening'

Reform! I have an idea! Why not make up a story about some Muslim trying to upstage Pancake Day with Chapati Day or something?

If you hear a "polf pilf" sound, it's just me moonwalking in my flip flops

Gary Coleman of Diff'rent Strokes fame randomly became a huge fan of English cricket, & used to watch test matches on cable. He wasn't overly enamoured with the opinions of Bob Willis though

Chubby Checker got his name from his days as a nightclub bouncer, when his specific job was to bar men who appeared overly sexually excited

“You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge” Ice Cube, shortly before failing his London cabbie exam for the third time

Donald Duck got his name from a warning Walt Disney heard being shouted during a caber toss at a Highland Games he attended

Red Bull gives you Wings. And Lucozade gives you The Plastic Ono Band.

They say we can learn a lot from animals. Well a giraffe was my driving instructor & I failed seven times

"I Could Have Danced All Night" is probably the first song ever written specifically about amphetamines

They're going to have to make the words "binjuice" & "beanjuice" sound more different. That was a VERY unfortunate dinner

Dr Dre has passed all his exams & is now called Professor Professore

You can only really have a midwife if you marry an odd number of women

I've just done a perfectly square painting. I'm calling it "Portrait of a Landscape"

Tonight on ITV2: “Holmes Under The Hammer” To celebrate Prison Week, Benedict Cumberbatch & Trevor Brooking share a prison cell. Brooking gets top bunk.

You know that pubic hair you always find in a box of Cluedo? It's actually one of the weapons.

Stevie Wonder are you reading this? Well obvs you’re not, but can someone get this to him? Replace his list of superstitions with a list of Shropshire market towns?

It’s a tribute to Stevie Wonder that he can literally make a list of superstitions & fashion it into an all-time banger. He could probably do the same with a list of Shropshire market towns.

Not all swans are elegant. I saw one humanning out of a betting shop today

Just remembering that time Jamiroquai played in Glasgow & Jay Kay ended up at my house. He went straight up to my curtains, wiped his nose on them & said “you know this bogey is for real”. And then he left

Scott Walker is called Scott Walker because he was a Scot walker. He used to take Scottish people with high cholesterol for long walks

I’m the only person I know who didn’t have an imaginary friend growing up. I’ve only now realised I might have been the imaginary friend

Prince had the supreme empathy to know what it sounds like when doves cry. The rest of us only ever hear seagulls pissing themselves laughing

Put my phone into flight mode. Now it’s full of adrenaline

Just met the curator of the British Museum of Snooker. He generally rates the cues on a scale of one to ten

They're finally filming The Orcist, the long-awaited prequel to The Exorcist

I haven’t got a pot to piss in. I’ve got a solid gold colander but I’m not using THAT again.

90% of all cocktails are inspired by what's run down someone's forearm at a bottle bank

I don't know anyone over the age of 40 that didn't love Hong Kong Phooey. And yet I've never heard of a child called Penry

The inventor of the Coffin-Rotator 3000 must be SPINNING in his grave

The paradox is that I cared so little that I didn’t care enough to throw my hands up in the air in the first place

When Neanderthal Man worked out how to walk at an angle he was called Meanderthal Man

Fucking insomniacs. Moaning all the time. Draining the system. I don’t know how they sleep at night

I still have my JCVD television. It still only plays Jean-Claude Van Damme films

Are you a fan of the whole number system? Do you like the low ones? Is your favourite “1”? Well you ain’t seen nothing yet

Just found out that an old teacher of mine died. He was pefty-neven years old. That's no age really is it?

Goodbye Dry January. HELLO FEBREWERY! #Febrewery

Another word for horse is nonicorn

I LOVE that people call their cat "Mr Cat" & their dog “Mr Dog”. My son Mr Human is not so impressed

Dialysis (n): a nun who is over-reliant on phones

Status Quo have had their passports revoked. They are now called Stateless Quo. And they can no longer rock all over the world. They are hoping to get temporary visas so that they can at least rock the Schengen Area

Turns out that Ronnie Hazlehurst was in fact one of the many alter egos of Brian Eno

Tyrone Mings was named after the famous 1992 sewage spillage in Omagh

This colon visibility window I had installed has proved to be nothing but a pane in the arse