I didn't say that the award for Feline Rear of the Year was a disaster. I said it was a cat ass trophy

Surprising amount of bird behaviouralists in pop: 1. Prince (who knew when doves cried) 2. That Petrel Emotion 3. How Kestrels Manoeuvre in the Dark

This week's newsletter is here! With @damedenisemina.bsky.social live at The Stand in Glasgow (Oct 9)! @govindajeggy.bsky.social live (same; Nov 13)! Plus: tune into @ambroseparry.bsky.social! Chris Brookmyre! Clare Grogan! Loads more! It's all here: www.akickupthearts.org/campaigns/vi...

When I said butter, I meant ghee. I should have clarified

Watch Top of the Pops 1977 tonight on BBC4 for a lovely window into more innocent times. On the bill tonight… "Dad's Back! (from Makro)" by Fruit Cocktail, "Wandering Hands" by Newbuild, & "The Lasagna Shuffle" by Glacé Cherry

I have a theory that if you run fast enough at a mirror, you will emerge in another dimension. I have yet to prove this theory. I’m also banned from all branches of IKEA

My pastry & accessories shop won big at the UK Business Awards last night. Its diverse product base was described as “pie an’ earring”

My ten fave sitcoms: Not Like That, Exploding Andrew! The Clinic Stu vs. Stu I Married a Hen The Doggers Help I’m a Liquid No Further Questions M’Lud Graham Cubed The Gravy Men Whatever Happened to the Gravy Men?

Aleister Crowley started out as a professional snooker player - possible top 16 - but his career was hampered as he couldn’t use the accessories for the long shots under the “no rest for the wicked” rule

You find it hard to talk to women because you listen to too much Genesis & have no female siblings. That's my prog no sis

The Queen Elizabeth hospital in Glasgow has opened the UK's first "tripped over my spouse’s crocs" ward

When Anthony Kiedis from The Red Hot Chilli Peppers upgraded his TV in 1998 he was unable to connect his new DVD player. It compelled him to write the song “Scart Issue”

One of the funniest AND most touching AND most authentic films I’ve see in decades. You will laugh & cry all the moisture out of your body. Breathtaking. MUSTWATCH

My thanks to the assistant at Game who had to climb a ladder to get Medal of Honor for me. It was above & beyond the Call of Duty

With their first cheque from Rapper’s Delight, the Sugarhill Gang all clubbed together to buy a horse in Central Park. It went a clip-clop, the clippie, the clippie to the clip, clip-clop and it just didn’t stop

Who’s Adrian? Apparently I laugh like him

My attitude to North London football ranges from Thierry Ennuie to Tottenham Chutzpah

That moment when you’re checking in at an airport and they charge you an excess baggage fee for your face.

So the time has come. The last EVER Fags Mags & Bags. The shop closes after 18 years. But, like the Topic bar, nothing can last forever. ( except perhaps The Texan bar). Join us for a last hurrah - a one-time only live recording for Radio 4. It is the humour.

I saw a depressed whale once. It was having a human of a time

I’m a first class wind-up merchant. (Order your clockwork items from me online & I guarantee next-day delivery)

Emily Maitlis should get together with James Mates. Problem solved

Mine isn't a movie reference but a Fags, Mags and Bags reference. Whenever anyone talks about a particular community, I feel compelled to say "and it IS a community". Blame @govindajeggy.bsky.social

Was supposed to make a pair of breasts at pottery class but like an idiot I forget the nipples. Made a complete arse of it

The golden age of boat rescue was probably the seventies. Of course that was when flares were fashionable

In a parallel universe Captain Birdseye is a celebrated avant-garde musician & Captain Beefheart is the public face of fishfingers

I can thoroughly recommend my dry cleaner. He’s a normal cleaner but he’s INCREDIBLY sarcastic

Liquorice Allsorts that have melted in the sun are called Icarus Allsorts

The Farting Bill - which made it illegal to fart in the workplace - famously led to the phenomenon of outdoor farters flirting with each other in doorways, or 'flarting'

Congratulations & good luck to Bobby Gillespie on his new high-end grocery franchise Screamadelicatessen

I really fancied a Lithuanian Twix. So I phoned someone. Who phoned someone. Who phoned someone. Who phoned someone. Who phoned someone. I ended up with a Chinese Wispa

If Scottish football fans are wondering how to pronounce Iheanacho, it’s the noise a Geordie makes when he finds a Dorito down the back of the sofa

Applause

Dave Gahan is violently allergic to French peaches, & has to insist that any restaurant he attends goes into de-pêche mode

Hall & Oates were originally quite conservative politically, but after a chance conversation with Billy Bragg became a lot more left-leaning. They even re-recorded “Private Eyes” with the new title “National Eyes”

Nothing gives me greater pleasure than someone being seriously injured while writing the word 'schadenfreude'

When fans berated Bob Dylan for going electric in '65, they didn't realise he'd bought the world's first talking fridge 10 YEARS PREVIOUSLY

🎶 Sound that my microwave makes when my food’s done Goes before “bong” on the tannoy at Luton Monica Chandler The Crosby who sings These are a few of my favourite Bings 🎶

Actually, Frankenstein is a doctor success at the Venice film festival

🎶 Are you going to Scarborough Fine Fare? Parsley sage, rosemary & bin bags 🎶

Not gone public on this until now, but I used to have a third nipple. I just had to get that off my chest

Going to Kleptofest this weekend. Decent line-up: Stevie Nicks, Stealy Dan, Robby Williams

I’m developing an app called WhatDidThatShopUsedToBe. Simply take a picture of a shop, click WhatDidThatShopUsedToBe & it’ll tell you what that shop used to be

I cry at the drop of a hat these days. I must stop wearing lead hats & start wearing shoes

Sean Lock’s biggest regret before he died was not fixing the sign on his office

I’m opening a combined apiary & snooker accessories shop & I’m calling it Bee & Cue. I don’t envisage this being a problem

Happy Dr Seuss day to those who celebrate. Today I will be doing a trip in a ship, a handstand in a bandstand & a jobby in a lobby

Mike Oldfield spends A MILLION POUNDS A YEAR refrigerating his entire farm just so he can call it My Cold Field

Just got my provisional poetic licence. I'll be allowed to recite poems in the company of a poet with at least 3 years experience of poetry

Just enjoyed my first Marxist-Leninist cake. Lovely & maoist