Johnny Hates Jazz started a race riot at my school. The irony was that Johnny & Jaswinder were actually good friends

“Yoyo Dieter” accurately describes my weigh loss journey. It was also my name in 80s German hiphop circles

Hell hath no fury like a woman whothe thongue hath been thtung by a bee

Can't help feeling Miss Dynamite would have been an international superstar by now if she'd had had a more airport-friendly name.

not always, but on occasion... pitza feesh and cheeps both thanks to @govindajeggy.bsky.social and Fags Mags n Bags

Ever been stung by a scorpion? I have. Klaus Meine charged me £12,000 for a Mustang whose suspension was totally fucked

Dave Gahan is violently allergic to French peaches. When they tour there the band has to go into de-pêche mode

Armageddon would be less scary if it was called Legageddon

I've only just started making trousers for stilt walkers but I've ALREADY made massive strides

You want to have seen Mona Lisa when I told her she'd left her hair straighteners on. Her face was a picture

Fleetwood Mac had a long-running golf-based feud with Abba, & released Albatross as a direct response to Eagle

I invented my own font once. Sold the rights to someone for £50. He's now a multi-millionaire. I CURSE THE DAY I met Richard Wingdings

The most fragrant pope was probably Pope Uri

I sense arrogance from bees about the whole honey thing. Are they aware that humans make iPads & dimmer switches?

Remember they talked about releasing that collaboration between Toni Braxton & Bill Hicks? Turned out to be a false alarm

In a cafe right now with Ron & Russell Mael. They’re having a heated argument about travel arrangements for a tour. I think Sparks are going to fly

I promised to love my wife until the 12th of Never. We got divorced on the 17th of Never

I had a profound revelation once on the way to a Dinosaur Jr gig. It was a real road to J Mascis moment

To errrrrr is human. To moo is bovine.

When an eel bites your thigh like a big pizza pie that's a Moray

Apologies to the residents of Maryland. I assumed Chicken Maryland was a thing because it was a staple of the “European” section of the menu in UK Indian restaurants

I find it strange that the state dish of Maryland is Chicken Maryland. I would have thought they liked Balti more

I’ve just had a ping ping table delivered. Which means someone out there has been sent a pong pong table. DM me & we can come to an arrangement

The longest punctuation mark is the hundred yard dash. Although I'm told if you stretch out a colon, you can fill a tennis court

Jessie J just set off all the alarms in the H&M in Braehead. I suspect it might actually be about the price tags this time

Happy 'Take a Jobby To Work' day! May The Turd be with you!

Heston Blumenthal is back! Heston's Cannibal Feast, Ch4, 8pm. Tonight he's preparing Warwick Davies inside Frankie Dettori inside Dermot Murnaghan inside Peter Crouch.

A FULL 37 YEARS AGO, S-Express sang a song about the 16 year old boy I just saw in Glasgow: "Superdry guy... gonna take his Highers"

If a hotel has five stars it means the band Five Star once stayed in it. Four stars usually means Stedman was too fussy.

I think my favourite song about living in a box is probably Living in a Box by the band Living in a Box from the album Living in a Box

“Count Dracula” is unquestionably the archetypal vampire in fiction. It’s also the easiest question in this year’s Maths A-Level

Shakin' Stevens STILL doesn't talk to his brother Static Patrick

In London, if you travel 'by tube' it means you’re getting the underground. In Glasgow it means you're getting a piggy-back off an imbecile.

If you think about it, Teenwolf is actually the story of Jesus

The expression "never darken my doors again" was first uttered by Jim Morrison's manager to a tanning salon after a disastrous fake bake

My favourite episode of Eastenders was the one written by Dr Seuss. Grant had a rant, Kath had a bath & Tiffany had an epiphany

It's actually cheaper to buy cornflakes individually than it is to buy them by the packet. #whatthesupermarketsdonttellyou

I won a spelling bee. "Divorce", "Respect" & "Perspective" all came up & I smashed it. I now owe Tammy Wynette, Aretha Franklin AND Roddy Frame a drink.

My current Netflix obsession: Pages From Ceefax. About to conclude final season (23). I'll be VERY surprised if they can tie up all the loose ends.

My dictionary doesn’t contain the word “can’t”. Or “unachievable”. Or “impossible”. Or “aardvark”. Or “zygote”. My dictionary was pretty badly burned to be fair.

When Mark King reaches level 42 of a video game, he allows himself a smile, a nip of very expensive whisky, sighs & moves on to a new game

I LOVE that joke about Dorian Gray. Never gets old.

There are some ultra-creationists who believe the world was made in 1986 & Etch-a-Sketches were placed in attics by Satan to test us

Given that guilty feet have got no rhythm, the prison disco went remarkably well

Anyone else remember CRiSPs? The UK version of CHiPs? Set in the Cheadle Railway Service Patrol?

Yes St George slew a dragon. But St Andrew PUNCHED A PTERODACTYL IN THE FACE #StGeorgesDay

When he was in primary school, Angus Young used to dress like an elderly lollipop man

If you’re an actress with a lisp & you’re wondering if there’s a route for you in Hollywood - Anne Hathaway

Fine Young Cannibals. And a custodial sentence for older cannibals.

More evidence of Prince’s obsession with 70s British comedy… Little Ron Corbett