He stees you when you're stleeping.

This isn’t just a pun. It’s the truth. It’s why Liz Fraser doesn’t wear open-toed sandals. She did once & was asked to leave IKEA

This pun is both long, long overdue and astonishing I've never heard it before.

I do honestly try to get more excited about the right hand side of my thorax, but my heart's not in it

This is exactly the response I crave. Wordplay so brutal that it provokes this level of disgust

The first thing a Spoonerist monk does is bury a pig armed with a flick-knife. You have to undertake a sow of violence

The Cocteau Twins weren't real twins. But they DID have cocks for toes

Can I recommend R&B Cluedo for Xmas? Just won my first game. It was Colonel Abrams in the hot tub with a sequinned glove

When Dynamo's mum wants to piss him off she calls him Magneto

Belinda Carlisle. We dream the same dreams, we want the same things. She’s outbid me 17 TIMES on eBay

Mother Nature's actual name is Janet Earth

Remember - if you're blessing your cotton socks, the holy water goes into the fabric conditioner department

I run a small building firm making brick houses for pigs. Not a massive earner but it helps keep the wolf from the door

Sycophants will claim to love anything to get validation. Except for ants, by the sound of it

I just dropped the only copy of my autobiography into a vat of glue. That’s my story & I’m sticking to it

👏👏👏🤣 And I bet it came with a burglar alarm!

It was Phil Oakey’s sister Carrie who invented the electronic device that allows people to sing to pop backing tracks. She called it the Singalongapop Machine 3000

Later on I’ll be showing you how to make a LOVELY risotto with all those unused fireworks

I don’t like the word “humanitarian”. I prefer the more old-fashioned “cannibal”

The Fine Art Society have decided to fine Art Garfunkel $200 this month

Christophe Waltz has a dilemma. He's been approached 7 times to play Putin in a biopic, but 11 times to play Trump

I’ve been living in a plexiglass dodecahedron for three months now & I can honestly say I’m in the best shape of my life

Mo Farah’s name translated directly into Scots is Mair Further

Anybody else castrating themselves for Nomember? #nomember

I am pleased to report that Moonlighting is every bit as good as I remember

LOVING this new Louisiana-themed Irish bar. There’s a real sense of O’Cajun

How do KFC make their popcorn chicken so smooth & shiny? Kernel sanders

Just back from a red carpet event. Wasn’t a showbiz thing or anything, it was just a fiftieth in an abattoir

Slightly offended when I go to a dinner party & I’m offered shop-bought bananas. I always serve home-made bananas

I think my favourite song about living in a box might be the song Living in a Box by the band Living in a Box from the album Living in a Box

Lisa Stansfield isn’t her real name. She just really really really loves her local field

Farewell to the peerless Prunella Scales. Wonderful actress and, of course, style icon to a style icon

Raisin' Hell by Run DMC was arguably the first hiphop album to properly tackle grape intolerance

I use shop-bought puff pastry for my canapés. That's Jus how I rol

Bored with the alphabet. Moving onto the gammadelt

“Always take the road less travelled”. Sage advice offered to me once. By a man who turned out to own a garage that specialised in fucked suspensions

Not a fan of the King James Bible. I prefer the Sid James Bible, where Lot actually requests that his wife be turned to salt because she's 'such a bleeding nag'.

For sale: inflatable rainbow (full size), used once. (Pump not included)

It’s our 150th episode! So if you’ve never tried our satirical podcast, why not let that time be now? podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/n...

Don’t hear anyone called Goliath anymore do you? Honestly. ONE giant loses ONE fight

Ah sheeet

(Just to make clear that this is a dumb joke about authored docs, not an announcement. Of course we’re not making a TV version of BV. That would be entirely sensible and cool and achievable on a reasonable budget. So that’s not happening.)

Oooooooohhhhhh

The paperback writer The Beatles were singing about was called Pen Elaine

Steve McQueen once narrated a documentary outlining the link between giantism & pessimism. It was called The Towering Infer 'No'

My favourite photo of Brigitte Bardot has to be the one where she’s covered head-to-toe in breadcrumbs. Very croquettish

Years ago, when I was a music journalist, I was meant interview to Dinosaur Jr. I was driving to the singer’s house when I suddenly realised I was in the wrong profession & I turned back. It was a real Road to J Mascis moment

Jessie Ware & her mum do a podcast. Her sister Una knows nothing about it

The word 'concertina' is short for 'Tina Turner Concert'

When still water goes out of date it’s called “not water any more”