[misfortune cookie] that wasn't pork

everyone assumes my shirts are always covered in dandruff and that's fine I just let them because it's actually parmesan

the clash: should I stay or should I go now? me: what'll happen if you go? the clash: there will be trouble me: and what'll happen if you stay? the clash: it will be double me: well I'm no genius but the answer seems pretty obvious to me

We are all God's children. Except for you, Jeff. You were adopted.

Goofing off in high school?

I would not trust the first person who called them "sneakers". What are you up to in those things?

judge: your record shows you're a repeat offender me: a what? judge: repeat offender me: offender haha

Why can't I pronounce anemone? Hard to say.

boss: hey um the FBI is here and wants to talk to you me: [frantically deleting all of the illegal soup I downloaded from Soupster] oh wow that's weird

@millsish.bsky.social @michaelstipe.bsky.social Real long shot here but I'm opening a vinyl listening bar in Providence later this year called Murmur (@murmurhifi on IG) and want to invite you to the open and also to come spin whatever and whenever you'd like. Oh and please tell Peter and Bill!

listen man if I catch you outside of anywhere suckin' on a chili dog I'm calling the police

Me: my desk is right outside the restroom so basically what I would do is honk a horn when someone came out, once for pee and twice for poop, based on how long they were in there and— HR: no we know, that’s why you’re here

rob zombie, use zombie's money to buy drugs