i have received 100 ratings on goodreads. next stop: 10000000000000000

(cursed trinket shop owner voice) i'm sure you'll find something in my shop you... can't live without...

so you eat the slime? and drink it? the slime nourishes you completely? and all you have to do is climb in the tank?

i need a job with better flexibility. something that will allow me to drive home at lunchtime to feed milk to the mandrake root i keep under my bed

homie pardon my noticing that several of your metres are at 0%

how could you jamie

william maxwell "so long, see you tomorrow". hell of a book. check it out 👍

my buddy bareknuckle bill just evolved into a more powerful form called brassknuckle bill

it's weird that they made timothee chalamet look so disgusting in marty supreme when my buddies look 1000 times worse and would have done the job for 1/375869492th the fee

business tip: at the end of the day tell coworkers you're "going back to the accom" to lend a professional flavour to home time

"the sun is a ball of superheated gas" well, that's good to know. but it doesn't explain everything.

sitting on the train next to a guy with a big moustache and he's watching a video of two guys with big moustaches

saturn's rings? i think it should have to hand them back! (remembering it's still 2026 and the saturnian football team hasn't just been humiliatingly crushed in the playoffs of the 2932 solar system cup) ah. hmmm,

if i read enough reputable secondary sources i shouldn't have to actually watch wuthering heights before leaving it 1.5 stars on letterboxd and a review that just says "wuthering YIKES"

new story up now on INFINITE GOSSIP. it's called CHRISTOPHER'S STRONG LEGS. please click through to read the full story infinitegossip.ghost.io/christophers...

my new lemonade commercial concept posits a dimension entirely centred on refreshment in all its forms

you're not making enough of stone fruit season. that's another thing you're fucking up. a few dozen stone fruit seasons you get your whole life. you need to take a hard look at your peach and mango consumption.

new story up now on INFINITE GOSSIP. it's called CHRISTOPHER'S STRONG LEGS. please click through to read the full story infinitegossip.ghost.io/christophers...

14 years since i went to the craziest music festival of all time

waiting patiently for the big guys to be done smashing so i can dart in and scavenge a few smithereens

"dark mode"... "light mode"... big tech you have my attention but not my allegiance. not until you introduce red and white checked table cloth mode for when i dine italian.

homie-in-law's ambition is evident 💯😔😔😔 however her characters remain too thinly sketched to meaningfully resonate with a theatregoing audience !

(trying to figure out what to serve my friend's miniature boyfriend at a dinner party) would he want to swig an elixir of growing?

sorry that your girlfriend's debut play elicited a decidedly mixed response from preview audiences dude

(closing the menu and handing it back to the waiter) whatever's most sumptuous

they should make it so one of the safety harnesses on the rollercoaster doesn't work and you don't know which one it is. to keep people honest scream wise

i was sick yesterday so i got to do my favourite sick day activity: lie in bed and listen to the audiobook of adrian higginbotham's "midnight in chernobyl". boris shcherbina... maria protsenko... the RBMK-1000 reactor... my old friends...

shit which i don't care about should be tax deductible. if i have to cover 100% of the cost of a guy replacing my washing machine hose i need a sweetener

(taking bart by the shoulder) lisa is your sister... you should advocate for her. raise her up

if i was a travelling bard in 2153 roaming the landscape after the fall of the west i would probably tell a parable of two brothers, bovino, strong like a cow, and bongino, loud like a bell, who were both so stupid they destroyed themselves

this whole time i thought bovino was bongino. but he's not. there's bongino and bovino

in big yellow taxi joni mitchell says they "paved" paradise, implying a single level open space, but "put up" a parking lot, which suggests a multistorey facility. i'd just like to know which

i have watched and reviewed "marty supreme" (2026) boxd.it/cMiiih

lost my corn-shaped remote control in the cornfield and my favourite show, the corn hour, starts in five minutes

this australian open match must be kendrick vs. drake beef the way it's duckworth against a sinner! 💯💯😤

love it when i get fresh oats in my nosebag

i refuse to see the humour in being tickled… it’s simply too low brow for my sense of humour

it would be cool if someone made a pirate movie where every so often the captain turned to the camera and said "what say ye, mateys?" and everyone in the audience could say "aye aye, cap'n". and then the movie would continue

(airpods in landing the plane while air traffic control screams into my headset that the runways are all full) all good cheers

yeah dude it's exciting. we're all frigging our clits about it

guy who thinks gollum’s name is “colin”: colin is such a complex character,

i only have one pot i trust to cook rice good. the others will probably betray me

burning is crazy. that stuff you didn't need is just gone

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contrary to what you might think the name "toadstool" came first. and then they had to come up with a creature who would sit on such a mushroom. cue the perfect frog

(goading the guy at the pub who has a metal arm that can punch through walls) i heard the police station wall was talking shit about you dude

I regret to inform you that max has done it again, and made another poem that fits seemlessly into all his other poems, revealing the true meaning of each one, and the whole revealing the underlying truth of the universe and also it's pretty good, check it out

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i have watched and reviewed 28 years later: the bone temple (2026) boxd.it/cE3iAX