(replying to your post) I know it’s a joke, but cooking and eating a minion “goggles and all” would be morally wrong even if it’s technically legal

Me: It’s really lonely being the last surviving human. At least I’m kept company by the planetary AI we installed in all infrastructure before going extinct MrBeast’s Head: (talking simultaneously from millions of screens around the world) I value our friendship too

Me: I hope this software update doesn’t mess up my phone Phone: Welcome to AquaVision. Apps are wet now

Instead of a useless “reflecting pool” that does absolutely nothing, we could drain all the water, coat the surface with silver paint and carefully angled mirrors, and create a giant solar oven capable of cooking millions of hot dogs per day for all the Washington DC tourists

Don Draper: All life is based on rotation. The orbit of an electron. Planet Earth turning on its axis. Two lovers dancing in a waltz. A fetus drifting around a womb. We aren’t just selling a spinning product. The story of Beyblade Burst Turbo is the story of humanity

The vibes of this post-apocalyptic bunker are off. Everyone is constantly whining "I miss the surface" boohoo "I miss sunlight"

(post of mine gains traction) Good, while you’re here I can tell you my idea to improve basketball by adding a second “anti-ball” you score in your own basket to deduct points from the opposing team

Me when I finally perceive the true nature of reality and can see neo in wednesday

You: If minions were around for millions of years and work for the world’s most evil villain, why didn’t they serve [famous historical monster]? That’s because minions only work for people they consider evil. If they didn’t work for a villain, that means they think their ideology is good

If you expand the Supreme Court, the next admin will just expand it again Therefore I propose the only true method of reforming the court: Expanding SCOTUS to 350 million justices and making everyone in America a judge

I don’t think the president, any president, should have a ballroom. Why are you partying at work. Do your job. Open up excel. Make a new sheet called “US economy” and add a column listing the states in alphabetical order

Gamma ray burst strikes Earth eradicating all life on the planet. Toys are no longer playthings but immortal memorials for a dead world. Buzz and Woody wander the land building cairns on each body they find

Politician: The army is broke. They can’t afford uniforms anymore. Unfortunately, soldiers will fight naked from now on *switches to next page of notes* Politician: For 250 years presidents have wanted to coat the Washington Monument with rubies

Building those giant data centers isn’t a waste. After the AI bubble pops we’ll need them to create an MMORPG set in the Who Framed Roger Rabbit universe. It’ll take that much compute to simulate the fedora physics. Toontown requires a server farm the size of Kansas

Political Ad: This weakling does not eat the whole cow. He spits out the hooves and bones

Falconer, you need to reestablish contact with your falcon Watch out, I’ve never seen a gyre this widened The centre can’t hold much longer

The Coca-Cola Freestyle machine is an echo chamber. Good luck finding nuanced debates about hot button issues on that touch screen. It’s just soda names and flavored syrups

The vibes of this post-apocalyptic bunker are off. Everyone is constantly whining "I miss the surface" boohoo "I miss sunlight"

Instead of living in an online bubble, you should find the website that makes you as sad as possible and stare at it 24 hours a day

Paw Patrol rescue missions have a 70% fatality rate for people they attempt to save, but that’s still a very impressive ratio for dog first responders

Judge: Most concerning, none of the legal terms you used actually exist Prosecutor: (flipping through Harry Potter Dictionary) I motion for an Expecto Patronum

When the world’s on fire, it feels like a trivial distraction to talk about how every Keanu Reeves movie is set in an earlier version of The Matrix starring a previous incarnation of The One. But it’s actually more essential than ever

Is it ethical for delivery apps to have a “DRIVE FASTER” button that makes the driver’s car automatically accelerate to 80 mph with no way for them to slow down? (I’m not weighing in on either side of the discourse, I know this is a complex issue)

In the future the only remaining job will be “survivor on derelict spaceship.” People will spend their 9-5 workday battling Fleshwraiths and solving puzzles to hack open doors

College Speaker: You will all fight to death in the battle pits for my amusement (loud booing from crowd) yeesh not many battle pit fans here today

Academic: I shouldn’t be punished for citing 12 papers written by Dracula. Yes most are AI hallucinations, but if even one is legit we’d learn so much from his centuries of vampiric knowledge

Homer: And then Odysseus arrived on an island where everyone’s butt was a head and their head was a butt Online guy complaining 3,000 years later: I am offended by this movie’s historical inaccuracies

The next James Bond has been cast. The actor is the entire population of the United Kingdom standing on each other’s shoulders to form a giant biological mech suit

Yoda: Luke… dying I am… my hundreds of eggs… store them in your mouth, you must… only way to keep my babies warm…

This is a completely normal mating ritual. It’s how they make baby Waymos

I take issue with the claim Thomas the Tank Engine “willingly” became a train. As a convicted murderer he was given a choice of execution or the human to locomotive surgery. He gave consent on paper, technically true, but it wasn’t willingly

I can explain the discourse Bluesky is Battlestar Galatica. The users are the fleet Twitter is Caprica, formerly livable but currently irradiated by Cylon nuclear bombs Kobol is newgrounds dot com. The prophecy is that one day Adobe Flash will return

It’s your duty to go back into the witch house and start arguing. Eldritch entities slithering out from non-euclidean space are winning the debate

We must paint the legs of the Lincoln Memorial statue blue. President Lincoln was a man of the people. He should be wearing jeans

My goal is to post opinions too incoherent to ever become the discourse

My best writing advice is to post whenever you want validation instead of creating a book, screenplay, poem, etc. It is much faster and saves you the effort of scripting a whole novel

Just saw a guy throw 3 brand new flower bouquets in a dumpster. He has soured on the concept of mothers

Morpheus: Careful Neo. If you die in MiniverseTopia - the tiny town where you can design your dream house, collect cool costumes, and adopt adorable pets - you die in real life

Spirit Airlines is preparing to shut down because there hasn’t been an airline with that name ‘round these parts for sixty years. Not since the night of that tragic airplane hangar fire

Reporter: Do aliens exist? Obama: *chuckles* Technically no, a time ghoul is from Earth. Just not today’s Earth

User of Hellmans dot com: This website is growing itself all wrong. There needs to be an Interactive Mayonnaise Profile. You should earn Mayo Points in an online Condiment Zone

Every guy in a videogame:

Fox McCloud is human. He looks orange and hairy because those were the graphical limitations of the SNES

About 1 in 3 cruise ships suffer a mysterious viral outbreak, cut off radio contact, and remain floating at sea for years. Dark figures move behind the portholes. The Navy blows up these “Plague Trawlers” if they float too close to shore. Other than that cruises are a lot of fun for the whole family

*prompted to write a controversial Star Wars opinion* Nobody in Star Wars has a soul. Their galaxy is too far from heaven to receive them

Very few of the Met Gala guests stuck to the theme of “hamburger.” You can’t just throw some diamonds on a brown dress and say it’s a sesame seed bun

Sailors are actually really superstitious about having cruise missiles fired at them. It’s considered bad luck, an ill omen of nautical misfortune

Writer: We need a name for what jazz music is called in Star Wars George Lucas: Jizz Writer: Really? Um. Maybe instead it could- Lucas: (eyes glowing, voice booming from the heavens, speaking an inevitable truth older than time itself) Jizz

It’s inaccurate to say Mario is brave and Luigi is cowardly Luigi is afraid of death, so he runs away from danger. Mario is afraid of living, so he runs towards death. Both brothers are cowards in their own way

I wrote for this Netflix game a while ago and it’s finally out! It’s a party game where you make demented internet memes. And if you’re a Netflix subscriber, you already have it!