Every Super Bowl ad is for the door in the forest. It’s annoying. “You must walk through the door.” Yeah thanks, I know that already. I dream of the door every night

The super bowl M&Ms commercial (starring Tom Hanks) confirms what we long suspected: M&Ms reproduce asexually by splitting in two like bacteria, and both candies inherit the genetic memory of the parent as an unbroken chain of consciousness that has persisted for thousands of years

Clavicular was mid jestergooning when a group of Foids came and spiked his Cortisol levels 😭 Is Ignoring the Foids while munting and mogging Moids more useful then SMV chadfishing in the club?

The olympics should have an indie game jam competition

Obviously olympic athletes aren’t hunting a real yeti during the Yeti Hunt event. It’s two guys in a suit. The swords are very real though

It’s so hard to find good named help these days. Every time I hire an anonymous staffer they’re a nameless formless void. It hurts to look at them, like trying to read in darkness. The only sign of their presence is a trail of ice cold condensation on the ground

If I ever post a joke that doesn’t get a lot of likes it’s because an unnamed staffer accidentally published it

You wanna take this outside bro? You wanna go? To the two typewriters I left on a tree stump? So we can write cordial letters to each other?

Jodie Foster: They should have sent a poet Poet: Aliens ahoy! A galactic sight. When you’re in space all day is night

The fight scenes in Melania have terrible choreography. Instead of having her actually learn capoeira they cut away to a stunt double’s kicking leg

My shadowy billionaire cabal never does anything amoral on our secret island. All we do there is splice together human and animal DNA in an attempt to clone the ultimate being

It sounds like a kooky conspiracy theory, but after reviewing all the evidence I now believe Han shot first

It is time to Corral, Contain, and Curtail™ the crimes on Crime Island

Justice demands that everyone in the files who committed a crime should face the strict punishment of being embarrassed online for a few days and then getting invited to slightly fewer parties from now on

Nosferatu is in the files. He got an email from jeevacation saying “u gotta try this blood stuf”

If I was a billionaire I would not take trips to Crime Island. I would own The Simpsons arcade machine

Our company is pivoting to a chalice that makes you immortal

Tech Entrepreneur: (genius, innovative) What if there was a robot… who was a butler

My dream is that someday the world is so wonderful there’s nothing important to discuss online, and people can spend all their time talking about topics like Wario

Every henchman likes to imagine themselves as Jafar, but sometimes they’re Gazeem

Unfortunately it’s impossible to have more than one competent vizier. Vizier competence is a fixed number, equally divided among all viziers present Two viziers are comic sidekicks, the recommended maximum. Any more become bumbling henchmen. One vizier is cunning but will always plot against you

When we started executing random citizens as a trial run for a police state, we failed to speak of the victims with appropriate respect and sensitivity. And for that we apologize

High IQ individuals are vulnerable to loud sounds like whistles. This attacks their logical ability and makes them enter the pon farr, a biological compulsion to return home to mate every 7 years

Bovino logging onto Indeed dot com and searching “Big coat jobs”

I hope Noem resigns so I can post a hack joke about her saying she’s stepping down to spend more time shooting her dogs

It’s ok, we can spin this. Let’s send our three most unlikeable weirdoes to every TV show

You can’t find meaning inside a cubicle or behind a computer screen. To lead a life that truly matters, you have to labor in Saruman’s birthing pits, tearing adult Uruk-hai out of a giant womb even though you’re pretty sure orcs have moms in the book

The screaming faces of souls trapped in Freddy Krueger’s torso hope you’re not mad at them too when you criticize Freddy Krueger

Forging 100 Nobel Prizes into the ultimate weapon, The Sword of Peace

I hate when I’m riding a bus on a dark moonless highway and all the passengers gradually figure out we died and are trapped in purgatory

If you’re stressed out and don’t know what to do, grab a shovel. Dig a hole in your backyard. Tunnel deep, deeper, into the dark earth with a manic hunger to descend. Feel a sharp pain and notice tiny roots sprouting from your stomach, dormant DNA from an ancient epoch awakening to find safe shelter

Welcome to 60 Minutes. Our top story tonight is Snakes: Nature’s Spaghetti

Early Dilbert comics were funny but also harmful to society because they turned us against the noble cubicle. Cubicles were civilization’s apex - a cloth box for everyone, millennia of progress ending in a private paradise cube - but Dilbert made them uncool and we’ve paid the price ever since

As screenwriter of the Labubu movie I want to clear up some misconceptions. Yes, technically they do eat human flesh, but only necrotic tissue around wounds. Doctors use them to clean up injuries and promote positive health outcomes. Labubus are humanity’s allies, except for evil Labubus of course

This would be a bad time for a 1,000 foot tall alien named The Adjudicator to appear floating in the sky and proclaim he has come to judge humanity. I hope any cosmic entities wait a few years before deciding Earth’s fate

I take it as a personal insult that I’m joking about price inflation online. In a normal world the only people who would know what inflation is are economists and jeopardy contestants

All food is getting more expensive except bananas, which are instead getting more spiders. Becoming encrusted with webs is banana inflation. When apples are $10 each bananas will still be 17 cents but entirely mummified

The reason fingers work on touchscreens but not inanimate objects is the phone is powered by consuming a tiny piece of your soul

Me: Ugh, I don’t know why I look at my phone just to view horrible depressing news *I open a browser and type en.wikipedia .org/wiki/skeletor*

If you’re stressed out and don’t know what to do, grab a shovel. Dig a hole in your backyard. Tunnel deep, deeper, into the dark earth with a manic hunger to descend. Feel a sharp pain and notice tiny roots sprouting from your stomach, dormant DNA from an ancient epoch awakening to find safe shelter

Not only are food prices going up and portions shrinking, produce quality is down too. Stores that used to have good fruit now have moldy fruit. The closest historical parallel economists can draw is when Maui stole the Heart of Te Fiti, unleashing coconut blight on the island of Motunui

We’ve tried lowering grocery prices by taxing imported food and arresting all the farmhands, but nothing seems to work

We as a society cannot start to heal until all Americans join together and buy me a vintage 1990s Star Trek: TNG pinball machine (retail value $10,000 USD) that will look cool in my living room

I don’t think Ghoul Troopers should be allowed to suck all the life force out of their victims so they dissolve into a powdery skeleton. Ghoul Troopers should be limited to making them ten years older

*Samara crawls out of the TV holding a DoorDash bag with your Chipotle order*

Switching my investments from stocks & bonds to big pile of canned food buried beneath a log in the forest

There should be a pro sport that has the same salary cap as the NFL ($300 million) but pays each player the average US salary ($60,000) so every team has 5000 players. I don’t know what the 10000 players per game sport is yet but I bet it’d be the best one to watch

There’s only two types of hyperspace in sci-fi. Stars Go Fast or Looking Out Window Makes You Insane

Avatar got rid of unobtanium after the first movie, maybe because people made fun of it, but I think they should have doubled down out of spite Human soldiers should say “We’re here for unobtanium” then look directly at the camera “that’s right the name is unobtanium, because it’s hard to obtain”

You didn’t actually see any of those mobile game ads where a knight escapes danger by pulling metal rods out of a castle. Each time you saw it, your brain was actually experiencing a tiny aneurysm