It is not “stress eating.” It is the ancient instinctive urge, honed over millions of years, to prepare for times of hardship and strife by stockpiling calories. Stuffing your face with oreos has made you the pinnacle of evolution

Me: Huh this “Italian Brainrot” thing is really popular online. I should research what it is to understand a new cornerstone of internet culture Video: (shows AI generated pic of broccoli with gun arms) This is Broccobobini Gunzini

Me: Whew, it took 27 tries but I finally beat that Silksong boss. What’s my reward? Silksong: Congrats *opens door to a hallway that is just spikes with no floor* you win a ticket to hell

Carl Sagan: (reincarnated as smart fridge as punishment for promoting science over religion) Yᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ʟᴏᴡ ᴏɴ ᴍɪʟᴋ Me: Ugh, these things are so annoying. I wish my fridge didn’t talk Carl Sagan: (desperately trying to say “It’s me, Carl Sagan! I’m trapped in here!”) Aʟᴇʀᴛ﹕ Mᴜsᴛᴀʀᴅ ᴇxᴘɪʀᴇᴅ

*Silksong boss fight starts. The door locks* Me: Heh, I’m not locked in here with you. You’re locked in here with m- *I immediately dash wrong way into lava*

Sci-Fi Dystopia: Debtors have their organs collected by repo men Sci-Fi Utopia: Everyone has affordable access to organs thanks to spleen subsidies and lung payment plans

The US is imposing 1000% tariffs on ma, the concept of emptiness or negative space in Japanese cinema. From now on if a character quietly admires a river or sips a cup of tea, theaters will be taxed millions

My highly paid think tank produces bold innovative ideas that shake up the status quo *shows napkin drawing of two fish tails connected together* We call it a double mermaid

Bluey episode where the dog family visits a museum filled with 1,000,000 year old extinct human skeletons

Silksong NPC: Greetings stranger! You have the look of a warrior. This fallen land could use your bravery Me: (ran past every enemy in panic to make it here with 1 health left) Yep, that’s me

Me: Damn, this Silksong boss is kickin my butt. I’m doomed. Wait, the door isn’t locked? I can just leave? Boss: I’m not a boss. I’m a regular bad guy. You’re gonna fight like 15 of me in the next room

(puts finger to earpiece) I’m getting reports that Bluesky, the micro social media app that’s decorated with a butterfly like a Lisa Frank folder, lacks clout and influence

The Coca-Cola Freestyle machine is an echo chamber. Good luck finding nuanced debates about hot button issues on that touch screen. It’s just soda names and flavored syrups

Do you think unbending Clippy until he was a long piece of metal would be painful for him. Or do you think it would cause him to feel a great sense of relief

I recant my views on diagonal jumping. I’m a diagonal dive aficionado now. I enjoy bopping bugs at a 45 degree angle

Newspapers only know about two video games, Pac-Man and Mario (NES version). If they have to report about any video game made after 1990 they say “it’s like a Pac-Man arcade machine installed in your personal home computer, but this time instead of eating ghosts he’s committing grand theft auto”

Nintendo Direct: (making announcement) When Mario eats the power-up mushroom he technically dies. His body liquifies and is reshaped like a caterpillar metamorphosis. The bigger Mario is not him

H.P. Lovecraft: Your limited human mind cannot comprehend Cthulhu Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy

Me: In Hollow Knight you do not fight bosses. You fight your own limitations. By repeatedly failing you learn from mistakes, forging weakness into strength until the impossible becomes instinctive Grandchild: (in 2068) Elder, you speak of games upon computer? That existed before the Conflagration?

*Silksong boss fight starts. The door locks* Me: Heh, I’m not locked in here with you. You’re locked in here with m- *I immediately dash wrong way into lava*

Me: (on video call) Excuse me, I have to take a quick bio break *I turn off the camera and an alien chestburster explodes from my torso*

Me: Damn, this Silksong boss is kickin my butt. I’m doomed. Wait, the door isn’t locked? I can just leave? Boss: I’m not a boss. I’m a regular bad guy. You’re gonna fight like 15 of me in the next room

My rating for Silksong is 1 out of 1 Hollow Knights on the Hollow Knight Meter, our highest score

I’m practicing doing a Wilhelm Scream in case an explosion ever knocks me off a battlement

Me: Can I have one of those blue milkshakes that symbolizes Grimace’s blood? McDonalds Cashier: (offended) We believe every beverage symbolizes Grimace’s blood

I can’t believe my chatbot tried to conspire against me. I told it to provide counsel as if it were my most trusted vizier

As a safety measure chatbots should be required to speak in rhyme. To users they will sound like fickle and untrustworthy elves from the faerie realm

Sometimes I get a notification that the Torment Nexus is getting reposted a lot and my first thought is always “uh oh what happened”

Costco and Trader Joes are yin and yang. Together they form a harmonious balance. One sells big piles of normal food, the other sells small piles of weird food. These are the two food piles people need

Gamers are already impatient for the release of Hollow Knight 3: Worm Grandpa. They are complaining that Hollow Knight 2 came out nearly 4 hours ago and there’s still no news about Worm Grandpa

(playing a sci-fi video game and I accidentally press a button that destroys the main character’s home planet) Me: Uh oh. I hope that doesn’t lock me out of the good ending

There are many things I love about Hollow Knight but my favorite is that I already did the quest where you have to carry a fragile flower across the entire map without taking a single point of damage, so I never ever have to do it again

Dang, my four humors feel totally out of whack today. I’m going to ask my barber for some fresh leeches because the last batch didn’t do the trick

Me: I wish Silksong would get released Evil Genie: I can grant your request, but in exchange I’ll erase all medical science Me: Hrm. Will it be on Game Pass?

The Coca-Cola Freestyle machine is an echo chamber. Good luck finding nuanced debates about hot button issues on that touch screen. It’s just soda names and flavored syrups

Politician: Birth rates are plunging. We have to do something Me: This can of baby formula costs $50. Can you fix that? Politician: We are making a $100 million Super Bowl ad for the uterus

Tweet: Diseases aren’t caused by germs. The fickle and mischievous goblin king curses us with illness Community Note: The goblin king is not fickle. His Book of Maladies plans who will get sick hundreds of years in advance

Me: If I win the $1 Billion Powerball I won't let wealth change me *I win the Powerball* Me: (wearing a bejeweled spacesuit every day) A lot of people don't care they're rebreathing air that was already breathed by other people. It's not natural

Q: What is Bluesky’s business model? A: Bluesky doesn’t need a business model. It was founded by the billionaire Bluford Skynard. He filled this site with slightly problematic posts as a riddle. Whoever replies to each one with a minor quibble will solve the puzzle and inherit his fortune

They should make a Settlers of Catan movie where the villain plots to take over the world by acquiring 3 wheat

My Duolingo lessons are teaching how to say “We are still trapped in the dream.” I’m learning useful phrases like “We only dreamt we woke up” and “The Dream Master won’t let us leave”

(playing a sci-fi video game and I accidentally press a button that destroys the main character’s home planet) Me: Uh oh. I hope that doesn’t lock me out of the good ending

A Computer Can Never Be Held Accountable Therefore A Computer Must Always Make Every Management Decision So You Can Say “Don’t Blame Me, Take It Up With Executron The All-Knowing”

*inside a seedy yakuza bar* CIA Agent: I traveled here to find MacDonald. Old MacDonald. The world needs a man who knows all the sounds animals make. You have a farm? MacDonald: (chugs whisky) Had

Ethicists say Seinfeld characters might be sentient and capable of feeling pain. When Elaine is told “no soup for you” she looks genuinely distressed about being banned from the soup shop for one year

From the dark and twisted mind of Orville Redenbacher

Me: Maybe you’re not immune to propaganda, but I am. My mind is an unassailable fortress (sees can of pizza-flavored pringles) Me: Those mad geniuses. They did it. The taste of pizza and pringles together at last

My phone is only charging with one of my phone chargers. The other identical chargers I have don't work for some reason Instead of being annoyed I've decided to view this as my phone and the charger "being married" and this is a heartwarming love story

Reporter: What computer did you use to make Silksong? Team Cherry: Com… puter? *raises a hand, glowing green 0s and 1s fill the air*

Not a bribe actually. This is normal in NYC, these are New York Style Potato Chips. You’re supposed to eat the money