We thought the explosive diarrhea plague was bad. The following outbreak of implosive diarrhea was worse. A loud pop and all that remained of the person was a softball-sized wad of flesh and bone

Drinking a tall refreshing glass of cyclospora

To be safe, I’ve replaced all the lettuce in my salad with cheez doodles

I regret buying vacation tickets to the Strait of Hormuz. There was a ceasefire, it seemed all wrapped up, so I got a bargain rate on a Hormuz Cruise. Now I have to shelter below deck all day, no pool access, cold cereal for breakfast because the omelette bar is out of commission (chef exploded)

Pandora is the only planet in the universe with 3Dinium, the rare mineral that makes 3D movies possible

Opening a completely random post and without reading it replying “That’s a pretty reductive take on the issue, but acceptable if you’re fine being part of the problem and not the solution”

Fine, I will do it. I will rule Maine with an iron fist (someone whispers in my ear that Maine is a democracy and people have to elect you) I will rule Maine with a kind and merciful fist

U.S. senators are all one organism. That’s why they never show feet in photographs. Their legs all converge into one central stalk

Maine officials search the rocky beach for a new senate candidate. They find an unconscious man clad in tattered rags washed upon the shore. The sea provides for Maine, it always does

They only lost because they weren’t using their hands

The mushroom kingdom decays the mind. The laws of physics are different there, human thought and memory can’t persist. He desperately repeats “It’s-a me, Mario” to not forget who he is

The founding fathers had no concept of Naruto and therefore the 1st Amendment cannot apply to Naruto-related speech. Saying “I like Naruto” or “I dislike Naruto” is not protected by the constitution and could result in jail time

July 4th is very rough on my dog (he is a royalist and considers George Washington a traitor)

Celebrating July 4th by lighting votive candles and leaving an offering of wine and raw meat in a bronze bowl beneath a portrait of Dwight D Eisenhower

(archaeologist 1,000 years in the future) Today the ruins of the reflecting pool are just plain granite, but in ancient times it was painted a vibrant bright blue

The two genres of video game are shooting an alien with a gun, and a pretty lady elf saying “m’lord” to you There’s a theoretical third genre where the player has to collect an orb, but nobody has been able to make it yet

It’s for the best we can’t understand what minions say. Their politics are probably problematic at best

Living next to a giant data center isn’t that bad. Yes, it’s a huge black cube that blots out the sun. And I dislike having to enter it every day at 4pm and leave at 8pm with no memory of what transpired inside. It’s annoying that we have to call the cube “Father” or guards tase us. But otherwise

I’m in Washington DC attending something called “Fog Fest” I was looking for the Smithsonian but there’s just thick mist mist, barely visible carnival rides operating on their own. No people anywhere

At the supermarket asking which brand is the Official Saltine Cracker of Team USA

I am here to debate air conditioning Houses should have AC units but it must have a built-in loudspeaker that continually shouts “The Earth Is Dying”

I’m not loitering, I’m in a rush to get to my job at the Lincoln Memorial. It’s my shift to chant the incantation that stops the Big Lincoln from coming alive

*giraffe forlornly wandering through the backrooms*

You: If minions were around for millions of years and work for the world’s most evil villain, why didn’t they serve [famous historical monster]? That’s because minions only work for people they consider evil. If they didn’t work for a villain, that means they think their ideology is good

Moss Shamblers have risen from the reflecting pool for decades, and there have always been parks dept employees stationed there with cutlasses to chop them to bits Like, I get it, there’s a lot to criticize about the paint job, but let’s not pretend the Moss Hunt is a new problem

Correction: The Lincoln Reflecting Pool water is not “killing” ducks The ducks entered a state of heightened enlightenment where they can perceive all of time and space as a single crystalline moment. They have no need to move because they are everywhere and everything

Politicians shouldn’t try to make people’s lives better. Their job is to go on Sunday talk shows and explain how crypto powered prediction markets could replace social security

The blue paint is peeling due to contact with corrosive human saliva. Security camera footage confirms that each night the Lincoln Memorial is visited by the notorious criminal known as the “Pool Floor Licker”

Most people have been Prime Minister of the United Kingdom by now I was prime minister back in 2025. I was appointed at 3:17am my time, then removed in a vote of no confidence at 3:19am, so I slept through my entire term but I’m honored to have served

Ultimately the Lincoln Reflecting Pool isn’t that important. What we really should be talking about is whether Captain Janeway is morally justified in reversing the transporter accident that combined Neelix and Tuvok into one person. Yes, she would be saving two lives. But it would murder Tuvix

All the people that touched the reflecting pool have been detained in Blacksite Epsilon Scientists observe them through bulletproof glass, watching the transformation. They shed their fingers. Wherever the green water touched, skin blisters and cracks open like an egg

Obviously a big pool of stagnant water in a former swamp is going to get algae The only solution is to pave the reflecting pool, put down a patio and some metal tables, and turn it into the Lincoln Memorial Bar & Grill. It will sell hamburgers for $38 and have two stars on Tripadvisor

We have improved your internet experience From now on every website that used to load instantly will have a sparkle animation for 30 seconds

It’s fine that a 50 foot long human embryo formed of green slime is growing in the Reflecting Pool We have no reason to believe the Swamp Child will be hostile

I think it’s good that an army of workers are busy poking the Lincoln Reflecting Pool with sticks 24/7. It’s called being a job creator

Michelangelo: (entering sewer) Hey bros, I got pizza! Now we don’t have to eat a sanitation worker for dinner

They filled the Lincoln Reflecting Pool with a nutritious green paste, completely free for the public to snack on, and still you complain about food prices

The zombie apocalypse themed browser game MMORPG Urban Dead, which ran from 2015-2025 You’d use one of your limited daily actions to say “Watch out, zombies are attacking barricades” and then log in 24 hours later to find out you had been eaten by zombies. A perfect online experience

It’s not enough to ban kids from social media. We need to limit them to dial up modems. Logging onto the internet should be slow and loud during your formative years. It builds character

Disaster at the Reflecting Pool. The water is bright green and extremely deep, ruining its historic appearance. A diving crew swam down for over an hour and couldn’t reach the bottom

Willy Wonka isn’t a movie about candy. It’s a story about God leaving Earth to humanity as our inheritance, and most of us being too sinful to deserve it

Paw Patrol rescue missions have a 70% fatality rate for people they attempt to save, but that’s still a very impressive ratio for dog first responders

If you earned $1 every second for the past 30,000 years, humanity would call you the Eternal Miser

It’s not hard to visualize $1 trillion dollars. I am currently visualizing $100 trillion dollars stacked in 100 separate cubes. I am rotating them all in my mind

Every time you played Tetris you were training a military AI how to entomb people behind a brick wall

I also love inflation. It’s fun to spend more money at the supermarket, like getting the high score on an arcade machine. When I spend $16 on a bag of coffee that two years ago was $10 I say “Nice”

I’m walking through The Backrooms flipping off all the light switches as I go. Tsk tsking every time I see a liminal space wasting electricity

At this point in my life I’ve accepted I will never bond with an alien symbiote that makes me incredibly powerful but also gradually turns me evil. As we age we have to let some dreams go