Time for a romantic movie

Good luck tonight, fellas

NO! *slaps hand*

I'm at the new gelato place and they have ginger and honey and it's heavenly

The windy moors are BACK, BÉBÉ

Because I love mischief, I like to laugh, and regular guys are here for my amusement

Great 🧵

I have never been so stressed out by a watchface

This is what I'm going to point to when I tell people why I won't vote for you. There are better reasons, but I am lazy. Thanks for making this simple. P.S., The Reagans were absolute trash

"Hides" is a strong word

[threateningly]

Woke up concerned that my one bottle of champagne on standby will not be enough when the time comes

I deleted a post that shaded Gucci but there's been so much designer turbulence that I forgot Demna went to Gucci and Alessandro Michele went to Valentino and the Valentino couture was not great and I did not like the Papa Don't Preach presentation at Valentino

I'm at a bar that's playing Arcade Fire and realizing it's probably considered oldies or classic rock and I want to walk into the ocean because I am now the old man and the sea

NYT Connections Official Plug McSassy WRONG ANSWERS for today

"You're a washed-up loser lawyer," shrieked the kettle.

Nicole Kidman can't stop nailing

Us every day since 2015

This photo looks like it's been Polar Express-ed to death

AREA WOMAN ATTEMPTS TO WEAR DENIM PANTS

What if our solar system is considered a "bad neighborhood" because of us? Like aliens won't even visit Saturn because of the proximity. "Look at all the trash," they remark as they drive by

Maybe the bad bunnies are the friends we made along the way

For anyone who is a little bored with the New England Patriots' complete inability to do anything on offense, tonight, might I suggest another option for your entertainment that might just upend everything you thought you knew about our elegantly glamorous First Lady?

This is very restrained

The headline + photo is giving me Robin Leach Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

You guys, I might believe in Jesus now 🙏

If I wanted to know what Megyn Kelly thinks, I would have stayed on Twitter

Sunday, my I-don't-have-to-run day, as foretold in the prophecy

The neighbor who had a deflated Santa on their balcony well past X-mas now has a banner that says L❤️VE in pink and red. I'm starting to suspect they're running an underground Hallmark fight club

Why was it so important I learn the names of Christopher Columbus' ships? I feel like it's the only thing I can remember from school

I want it to be illegal for anything to be named after him. And I want him to know. So if it's a séance or an orderly whispering to him in a hospital wing for people dying from poop strokes, I want him to know

Fellas. I see your porn 'staches and I approve

Serious question: why can't we have fallout?

It's back! Today's NYT Connections - Official Plug McSassy WRONG ANSWERS

It me.

I didn't have "U.S. president posts something racist" on my 2026 bingo card. Oh wait, yes I do. In fact, every square says that. BINGO

Alaïa, where he worked for the past five years, is famously known for not being sexy

When the revolution comes, I think we should allow the super rich to take as much wealth as they can physically carry with them into the afterlife

Feel free to share this as needed

In French, a beard is feminine. How am I supposed to trust this language?

It bothers me in a show or movie when a character is having a conversation while driving and they don't look at the road enough

This doesn't make any sense: my hair and nails keep growing but my legs and teeth stay the same length?

2002's Die Another Day references: - North Korea - Gene therapy - Conflict diamonds - Virtual reality - Ice hotels - Unnecessary Madonna

Many of the James Bond movies are bad

That's nice and all but wake me when the pooping is fatal

Rent feels like a tax on being alive

Oregon's #1 Sinéad O'Connor drag impersonator

Sometimes I feel like I was the only person not emailing Jeffrey Epstein