This wasn't the plan but now it's what I'm doing

Men love doing this!

I'M NOT CRYING, YOU'RE CRYING

Scrawled on the hood of your car in red lipstick: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST X-MAS

Praying for these bald kids 🙏

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Two wild and crazy guys

Having his name removed from the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts is just one more thing I'm looking forward to celebrating

"And where do you think you're going?" I ask a surprised Santa as my peignoir-ed body blocks his escape through the chimney

I only want one thing for X-mas and I would like it as soon as possible

The new gelato place is empty and playing that Seal song from a Batman movie and it's making me eat my gelato too fast because I want to leave

Lady, you did what you did for all the world to see

You guys, I found the secret message hiding in plain sight

What is the expression "you can't bake a cake without breaking into the homes of the ultra rich and stealing all their wealth" or something like that?

Life on this planet began in the oceans, therefore everything is a kind of fish. Just because you move away from home doesn't mean you don't carry your past with you

The "J." is for "JTurd"

A universe where quantum entanglement exists between the sidewalk cracks and your mother's back

Should I apply?

Could he die alone in a ditch? Asking for a friend

AI is the end of the Information Age

Wait, are you saying the diarrhea fighter jet guy said something inappropriate? Mr. Grab 'Em by the Pussy?? The "Quiet, Piggy" in Chief???

🥲

I know it needs to be steamed, but imagine I show up to your holiday party in this

We don't have to live like this. Other countries don't live like this. We had a window to make a change when a bunch of elementary kids were murdered and we decided not to

*slams fist on table*

🎶 pa rum pum pum pum 🎶

The nickname the fellas give you when you do war crimes

Hot af

Are straight guys ok?

Remember that cycle of Top Model where Tyra took a summer course at Harvard Business School right before filming and would not shut up about how she "graduated" from Harvard?

Racial profiling

Keat, I em bysu tonigth beucase I bith mi tounge.

Shout out to the 5 people who still read TIME magazine

I'm at the empty new gelato place and I think the young person behind the counter liked my outfit so much (Sonic Youth tee, deconstructed Margiela denim jacket, new Dries florescent pink furry shorts) that she gave me a double serving

The skull and crossbones is The Little Drummer Boy, right where Mary slaughtered him

Die faster

This de minimis bullshit is really fucking with my lifestyle

Trust and believe instyle dot com is watching the hair length of every woman across this flat planet we share — like Santa for hair

No, retire, bitch. You'll never make something as lovable as Little Miss Sunshine

Fuck you ⬜🟩🟩⬜🟩 ⬜🟩🟩⬜🟩 ⬜🟩🟩⬜🟩 ⬜🟩🟩⬜🟩 ⬜🟩🟩⬜🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

It could happen at any time. I hope it happens soon

Update: My sexy-as-hell clog boots absolutely shred my heels, removing skin after a few blocks. I still love them

My new GMT watch arrived today and now that it's past noon I feel the rush of being informed it's 13:56. I'm high on time

AI: A New Thing to Clean Up After™

"This isn't my first rodeo on the four terrestrial planets of this system," I specify without elaboration.

THE PROPHECY IS FULFILLED!

🚨 BREAKING 🚨 SCIENCE NEWS

I'm just glad there's finally peace across the Fédération Internationale de Football Association

X-mas battlefield 🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️ 🏔️ 🎄 ❄️ 🏔️🏔️ 🏔️ ⛄🎄 ❄️ 🗡️🦌 🌲 🎄 🎄 🏔️ ☃️ 💥 🌲 💣 🎄🤶 🎄 ❄️ 🔥 🔥🌲 ⛄ 🎄 💥 🎄🪓🎅 ❄️ ☠️ 💣 🔥🌲 ⛄🎄 ❄️ 🎄 🔫🦌 ❄️

My Duolingo French lessons this week were all like, "My grandkids become wild over the soccer game. Grandpa, you become wild when you drive. When are you returning from Japan?"