something funny about kneel just being knee + l. Like yeah I was buttling on the couch then fotlt to the kitchen and handlt a beer from the fridge.

*upbeat, totally casual voice* i know the pieces fit, cuz i watched them fall away!

It's 25 days past the deadline to release the Epstein files.

my mom keeps getting wordle in 3. meanwhile I'm getting it in 4 or 5. finally I got it in 3 this morning and I sent it to my mom. her reply: brutal

Our wedding was beautiful in The Sims 4, please respond

renaming the department of defense the department of war right before starting a bunch of wars is actually quite the bit

renaming the department of defense the department of war right before starting a bunch of wars is actually quite the bit

the guy i hired off craigslist to pee on my feet showed up wearing an ascot. fucken weirdo

People criticized all the farting and screaming in my Ted talk, but those were the key takeaways.

An app that tells you all the best places to cry around town

Hard not to take it personally when people call animal control every time I go running

if anything goes wrong i start screaming SORRY over and over

gotchu

When my worst fears come true, they just get replaced by new worst fears. It's not that big of a deal.

well well well, has FIFA ever got egg on their faces now

A real news outlet publishing the phrase "Grok apologized" should result in like a week-long timeout. Think about what you've done.

sorry but scandinavia looks like a weird penis

this is absolutely wrecking my OCD with the size of the final slice

🚨Follower alert!! 🚨 i’m a idiot

🔊 4'33" (Kidz Bop version)

[murderer after murdering me] *punches my Frequently Murdered card*

We will be consolidating all sports into a single sport soon.

someone should invent a website where people can reply to things you actually said instead of things they just made up out of nowhere

My one resolution for 2026 is to refer to all my meals as either “wet food” or “dry food”

if only the robot was also wearing a mocap suit controlling a 2nd robot that kicked *it* in the balls

i imagine, pretty fuckin rad? like, we get to bro out, or what?

Hm, don't care for all these bad posts by people who suck

this post made me feel a unique new feeling. not good, but new

every phở restaurant: PHO Q AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON

portland oregon is a theme park for moms who like to read the clever names of small businesses out loud

I SAID YES (he asked if he should fuck off)

being in the back of a car while an old person drives is what hell is

in the soda aisle i saw 7–Up for $20.99 i screamed

me: *cleaning up after opening presents* whose front teeth are these

Explain your username 🎤 it’s my name

Every Samsung update is "do you want more ads and a slower menu?"

Maybe the wolf in sheep's clothing just liked the way it looked? What's with the assumptions?

god. my family sucks

baked potato bodysuit with crispy skin shell

It’s really funny how it turns out Joe Biden isn’t in the Epstein files he just had a creepy vibe

something powerful happened here

Goth Morpheus: take the blue pill, and wake up like normal. take the red pill and see how deep the rabbit hole goes… Goth Neo: *grabs both pills and puts them up his butt*

all i know is when someone says “merci” it’s polite to respond “beaucoup!”

bro, bring me my tuffet. it’s time for my curds and whey

Things are going great over at X, The Everything App

butter has the calcium I need for strong buttery bones

SLOW DOWN! IMMATURE ADULTS SKITTERING ABOUT

make sure to get up and move sometime in the next 3 months or the ivy might grow over you

could somebody help me get registered as Completely Helpless