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if only i could watch an edu-tainment video where it starts with a montage of different people saying the topic of the video 🥺

this is a 5 min walk from my house AMA

i don’t watch star trek bc i can’t stand looking at whatever this is

i think i just invented something im gonna call “cake soup”

hell yeah this is fucking sick

To celebrate pride month on here, everything is 30% bitchier and unnecessary

You have to tell me if you’re currently embroiled in a jet ski chase through the canals of Venice

tree shrinkage is real

dr. pepper tastes just a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitle bit like a stink bug

is it TENET? it’s TENET isn’t it

for america’s 250th birthday, it has to go back in

“boob”

technically they can say it on May31. but not June 1

as a kid my brother opened the car door briefly while we were driving through the country side. when asked why: “there were cows” so ever since whenever anyone is asked why they did something unexpected, the answer is usually “there were cows”

i only land my helicopter in beautiful fields of flowers

going to a 4DX to get screamed at, moistened, and jostled

get in loser we're reading LOTR, a new book that just came out 70 years ago www.twitch.tv/todays_wet_sin

retvrn gvy cvmming is this anything?

me: it’s just that I’ve had a really bad day so all I want is a cuddle and for you to tell me everything’s going to be OK him: *cocking a shotgun* please just pay for your beer and get out of my bar, sir

the wikipedia image for sexual roleplay is making my lose my mind

*sincerely* thank you so fucking much

Dave Chappelle (suddenly getting serious 50 minutes into a special): In 1869, Beth March, the third littlest woman of the Little Women, my friend, died. She fucking died.

wearing a mask? living in fear wearing a seatbelt? living in fear brushing your teeth? living in fear locking the door? living in fear getting a checkup? living in fear eating a healthful vegetable? living in fear not jumping in front of a bus? living in fear

the pigs don’t like your slop? swill issue

godwins second law

hyperbole kills more people annually than all other literary techniques combined

Chairman Mao?

That’s my fear. I can do an oil change in fifteen minutes, and I can dispose of used oil in something like six and a half years.

suckin all the honey outta the honey ham

john fetterman looks like if nosferatu was portrayed as canadian on south park

me finding out there’s a new laser tag place in town

so romantic 💕

very insensitive. this is exactly how michael jackson died

what is it.. me?!

dumping this all over the coach after winning the big game

thank god for the Oklahoman so that they could set up Ken for this S-tier shitpost

hell yeah SCOOOORE!!

thinking about writing a screed

🤘😖🤘

my alfredo sauce recipe

invert a band: No 🤭

BAAꓭ

invert a band: Tranquility~ At the Disco

COSTCO: here, try this ME: oh yummy COSTCO: so you like it? ME: yes, it's delicious COSTCO: well, we don’t sell it anymore and you'll never see it again.

oh my autism? it comes from my ENORMOUS ASS

I have a big butt and I cannot lie. Hence, the diagnosis.

I HAVE NO AGENCY ✨yay✨

a cool way to drive your car is to just start going, and then look whenever you happen to get around to it.

once i went to a friend’s house in DC. walked right in the open door as usual, a couple who i assumed w/o looking were my pal’s roommates emerged from the kitchen to silently watch me take off my boots. ‘i’m here bitch get me a beer’ i called out. and that’s when i realized i was in the wrong house