They should make a Jurassic Park movie where all the dinosaurs and humans get along and the park runs just fine. I’m tired of this

when I was a kid i was at my friend's house and his very religious parents flipped on the Discovery Channel (?) and it was a documentary about how Dragons Were Actually Real - We Found The Evidence. they kept going "I can't believe dragons are real!" I had no idea what was going on... 1/?

"They were starving and had to eat shoe leather" yeah well 8th grade me would voluntarily peel and eat the rubber from my Converse just bc my brain is a fun lil guy

"Google Drive messaged you" well, maybe don't??

im going to RSTLNE myself

they spelled my name Plog MacSussy on my coffee cup

i've never not been hiding

i went to target to boycott+ (steal stuff) but all their stuff was crappy so I started stealing the floor. I ripped up the tiles and dug through the foundation. Everything in the store is collapsing into a huge pit. customers are clinging to the edges trying not to fall in.

Target Boycott is trending i can only assume this is a new boycott? i'm already boycotting Target. how can I boycott Target twice? steal from Target?? hmmmm... ok!

why did we even domesticate peeves

sound off in the comments: would you read a whole book like this?

*author voice* the tree was green, like my jealousy.

are they still mad about pronouns

csam is masc backwards. just sayin

We all have regrets.

he’s too busy being president to molest my kids 🥳

hahahhah cool. i love minesweeper. this new hard mode should be fun

Son, when I was your age, apples were as big as watermelons, they were green on the outside, and when you cut ‘em open, they were red and juicy inside and tasted like watermelon

when the syphilis guzzles up the whole brain stem

thinking about having a kid and naming them Authorized Personnel

Most accurate portrait of modern culture currently available

I dunno, living behind a brick wall in somebody's basement sounds kind of relaxing.

ugh i’m still writing one hour earlier on all my checks

what do you think RETVRN meant exactly

Imagine if you were taking a nap and a bunch of sandwiches ran in your room, freaked out, and ran back out

*miley cyrus* I CAME IN LIKE A TOILET BOWL

*Sia voice* iiiiiiiiii / wanna swiiiiing / on a hanging toi-let / while i’m a tee-veeee-eee!

me: I’ll just lie down for 5 minutes my body: ok we will now enter a mysterious state that is worse than sleep but also not rest

this would no-joke fix everything

if you haven't tried eating popcorn with chopsticks................ you're welcome

[dr looking at x-ray] well, unfortunately… (removes glasses)… it looks like your brain was built on top of an ancient indian burial ground

what if sexy gets away? will justin timberlake be available in the future

True Art

Five-Star General: (gravely) Sir, Operation Epic Bacon is not going awesomesauce

Pharoahe Monch sounds like a knockoff Halloween-time cereal that you add breastmilk to

i made jim davis write “these events are canon” on a comic strip where he drew jon arbuckle drinking dog cum and he hired a crisis pr firm about it

during my next rap battle i’m going to compare them to the gross little strings you have to pull off of your banana

demi lovato is cockney rhyming slang for half a potato

next time somebody leaves a lime scooter in my driveway i’m taking it to the dump

could a dying empire do THIS

why is some bullshit always happening. stop!!

what the hell just happened

starting to seem like like this bullshit dumbass country run by pedophiles kinda sucks

is this real?? it’s too good to be real. but is it?

I fairness, what are the odds that Ayatollah Khamenei and Ayatollah Khomeini would have the same first name?

😭

rulemaker: i don’t make the rules!

i was texting my husband to tell him to pick up the phone, and my iPhone was like "Make a GenMoji!" so I was like OK And I typed "allergic to phone" And this is what it generated (NSFW, gross)

can it at least be an art heist at the louvre i'm tired of my dna showing up at a ransacked CVS