Nothing like having a bunch of your childhood heroes die in quick succession to remind you to load the dishwasher correctly.

wife: your life insurance premium paid up? me: yeah wife: good me: why? wife: no reason me: ... wife: ... me: ... wife: here, taste this

sorry to be controversial but clowns should've never been allowed to drive cars. the shoe to pedal ratio is too high and it is a recipe for danger

[high school graduation] SON: why are you crying? ME: *thinking about how proud I am and how much I'm going to miss him and how life goes too fast* because your mom made me wear dress shoes

The smallest type of animal is a minimal

In hindsight, it was a bad move to install the mulberry bushes. We’ve lost a lot of weasels.

Russian roulette is like regular roulette as long as you haven’t died nyet.

there should be an emotional pain scale like 0-10+, how many funny animal reels do you have to watch per day to stay alive

The perfect bird feeder doesn't exi--

this should automatically happen when you’re tempted to look at a muted reply

It's funny being remote and hating your job and saying things like "I gotta get out of this place" but the place is like your house

40 out of 50 dentists agree that fractions was a waste of time.

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france FRIEND: nice ME: no paris

If you hate Mondays so much why don’t you eat lasagna about it pal

When Kendrick said "bing bop boom boom boom bop bam" I felt that

When a baby is about to be born, someone always has to boil water. It's for the baby's first hot dogs.

DETECTIVE: whoever says the rhyme did the crime SUSPECT 1: it wasn’t me SUSPECT 2: it wasn't me ME: nor did I make him die MY LAWYER: *pinches the bridge of his nose*

A jury but it's all dogs

Got kicked out of the garden centre for whispering 'With great flower comes great beesponsibility' to all their customers.

i can’t wait to love my child no matter who they love

“At first, I was afraid I was petrified" - paranoid wood

Got fired from the drive thru for telling customers “The root of your suffering is your desire”

who you are in the replies, that's the real you

they say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile, but for most people i'm willing to go the extra mile

your honor, can we have court outside today

I’m starting to suspect the government doesn’t want what’s best for me

I just got into a shouting match with a mime…at least I think I did.

when I die put my body on the hot dog roller at 7-Eleven

Chase your dreams. Follow them wherever they take you, no matter how far or how winding the roads. Never give up. Run red lights. Cross the median. Box your dreams in and force them down a dead-end street. Grab them while they try to scale a rusted chain link fence. This ends now

Hello neighbor who I have met close to 40 times and I still do not remember your name. How is your something or whatever?

[motions for you to roll down your window] Hey I noticed you didn't add me to your starter pack

So people are now saying there's water on the moon. That's lunar sea.

Grandma hated fancy things, so I’ve drawn this ouija board on the back of a Denny’s menu

you gotta be faster

DOCTOR: so what brought you in to see me today ME: my legs and before that a volkswagen

I don't know how to act around a dog that doesn't love me

I fell yesterday and yelled, "Now I have to start over!" No one understood I meant the safety sign in my head that has been reset to zero days since my last accident

PROCTOLOGIST: we need to do some follow up scans ME: but doctor- PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling me that

Well that's the last time I eat a ream of paper for dinner

Chewbacca is a dog. Prove me wrong.

[Watching Tomb Raider with my new girlfriend] ME: *leans in* Why did they call her Lara Croft and not Cindy Anna Jones? HER: Get out.

Our ostriches are not friendly. They are evil incarnate. Please remember this while enjoying our morning walking tour through their enclosure.

In high school I was voted most likely to share what I was voted mostly likely to.

asked a magic 8 ball if 2025 was going to get any better and it collapsed in on itself like a dying star

hallmark movie idea: girl takes medical leave from job to avoid a mental breakdown and falls in love (with herself)

ANGEL: this drought is causing so much suffering GOD: fear not for I have created the oceans ANGEL: now people will always have something to drink GOD: *pouring buckets of salt in* lol ok

I hope I get buried with my box of cables like a modern Pharoah

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and fucking irritable

quick someone murder me so i don’t have to go to the dentist