Most of life’s problems can be solved by a t-shirt cannon.

(picking sesame seeds off my hamburger) I’m gonna grow my own buns

[being mauled by a bear] so how long have you been doing acupuncture

A lot of people say there's too much sex on the television tbh i tried it once but i kept falling off

Starting to suspect I've acquired a cursed artifact or two

ME: [2pm] I can't hear you, speak louder ME: [2am] a needle has dropped on the carpet in the basement

saturday loading

If you have trouble understanding how a virus takes over a host try sharing a closet with your wife.

FEDEX: your package arrives today *wink* ME: great but... FEDEX: between 2pm and 5pm *wink* ME: why do you keep winking? FEDEX: I’m not winking *wink* ME: is my package coming today? FEDEX: lol not a chance

Mike’s Hard Lessons Learned™

I don't read a lot of non-friction books because they are too slippery.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the hula hoop at home tomorrow

ME: i think i slept pretty good SLEEP SCORE: the fuck you did

My cat knows he's not supposed to step on my keyboard but do you think he gives a fuck.

Wang Chunging? In this economy?

ooohhhhhhhhhh do we call them pets because we pet them

AI

Considering my mortality (staring at a box of 200 garbage bags at costco)

I'm a pretty good multitasker if you don't mind things half done and all wrong.

I hate Adobe so much.

Licks my fingers then flattens 2026's hair.

not enough children these days talkin’ about greasy, grimy gopher guts

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves someone reading the transcripts from the warren commission as she mixes the ingredients.

Welcome to Impostor Club. None of us should be here.

I don't know what everyone's complaining about. Just go to settings > features > worms, then change the "worms pouring out of my phone" toggle from "yes" to "maybe later"

I don't read a lot of non-friction books because they are too slippery.

If Millie Bobby Brown grows to 1000 times her size, she becomes Bobby Brown

If you name your baby Agnes she's your mother now.

Rotisserie chicken was invented by someone who watches how I sleep.

ME: I invented a new yoga...for men HER: that's dumb ME: it has moves like “reach for the remote”, “downward eating hotdog”, “suns out guns out” HER: ME: “protect the thermostat”, “two beers one mouth”, “reverse lawn mower” HER: ME: “barbecue pose”

So annoying when a doctor is quick to diagnose. I want to perplex and bewilder like a gorgeous sphinx

Being an adult means saying “I should really get up and do something” every weekend until you die

Meowie Antoinette

[Watching Sesame Street with my son] ME: In Spain, Elmo is called The Mo WIFE: *from another room* YOU'RE A TERRIBLE FATHER

Rotisserie chicken was invented by someone who watches how I sleep.

INTERVEIWER: how’s your attention to detail? ME: I think pretty good INTERVEIWR: really? ME: realy

I finish my talk on the pompatus of love. 'Bravo, Space Cowboy' shouts one member of the audience. 'Simply superb, Gangster Of Love' shouts another. 'Well done, Maurice' shouts my Mom from the back row even though I told her not to come and now my street cred IS RUINED.

*rides my skateboard to divorce court

I would describe my fashion sense as "covered in cat hair".

Do Spanish speakers learn English from DuoGringo?

ME; ok doc, give it to me straight DOCTOR; well it looks like you're missing half of your colon

[sword swallowing class] me: (struggling to swallow sword) instructor: try turning it the long way

I’m sure your delusions are grand but mine are grandeur

pronouncing “LMAO” like “el-mayo”

I don’t use Google. I text my friend Randall who used to be a dental assistant

🥳🥳 Hey 30k+ of my closest friends, if you haven’t heard yet, it’s @ennuidoofen.bsky.social’s birthday and for some of us, she’s the whole reason we’re here. I need ALL of you to wish her a Happy Birthday and make her feel loved today because she is. 🥳🥳

what's great about staring at a wall is that if you forget what you're doing, you're still doing it

I would describe my fashion sense as "covered in cat hair".

when you run out of hotdogs you just need to declare frankruptcy

I wanna have such a bad job interview that it goes viral on linkedin