Me: Do you think Gritty and Grimace are cousins? Interviewer: I meant questions about the job

Whoever named no-see-ums absolutely killed it

always the bridesmaid who mysteriously disappeared after being locked inside a hope chest and now haunts the church grounds still waiting to catch the bouquet, never the bride

Friend: Let's get together! What's your calendar look like? Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

The Butt-Head in me recognizes the Beavis in you

hey babe can you come pick my up from the zoo i guess arctic monkeys aren’t even real

The thing that worries me the most is that one day the 'skip ad' button will stop working.

ME: why am I not invited to your 4/20 party? FRIEND: what day is it today? ME: FRIEND: ME: 1/5 FRIEND: that's why

if you don't feel funny, go watch a bug for a little while and think about how you act

As an adult, I have made peace with the idea that my parents must have had sex, but as an only child, I am comforted by the fact that it was just the one time.

A good way to leave a conversation is to suddenly crouch down and scuttle away sideways like a crab

I’ve been waiting on a black hole sun since ‘94

I'm not a jealous person unless you are better than me or have something I want.

[couples therapy] THERAPIST: what do you do for a living? ME: I'm in manufacturing THERAPIST: oh really what do you manufacture? HER: arguments THERAPIST: *writes '$$$$'*

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

Why did they call it a protective beekeepers suit and not swarmour

There are two wolfs inside of me, both bad at grammar.

Being unemployed still rules... only thing on my to do list today is steal a packet of ranch dressing from wawa

[guy who always makes the conversation about his vinyl collection] you mean the b-side of the moon

too bad there is nothing anyone anywhere at all can do about all this

what the world needs now is to watch the astronauts eat spaghetti

donnie darko is an easter movie

[my coffin lowering into the grave] wait guys shouldn’t I be dead [coffin starts lowering faster]

*werner herzog voice* one day the eggs will hunt you

Open the fuckin' Chick-fil-A, you crazy bastards!

Sorry I'm late. There was an online form and I had to scroll to my birth year.

WIFE (to kids): you need to learn to focus. ME: yes, listen to your mother. WIFE: I was talking to you. ME: ok, can you repeat the question?

sorry Pink Floyd, turns out that we needed education. a lot of it. all of the education, really

Airline snack boxes are a great way to have charcuterie in the most excruciating way possible

Cookie Monster voice: Coming out of me cage and me been doing just fine

*pumping iron at the gym* im gonna be able to carry a conversation so good now

But they were all deceived for a 5th loco was made

I’m not worried about AI stealing my job because it doesn’t have thumbs to twiddle.

"Chuck Norris has died," reports Chuck Norris

Technically, if he steals yer pot o' gold, he's a leprecon ok bye.

I did not expect that setting fire to the tamagotchi fields would so drastically affect the price of this year’s tamagotchi crop.

wearing my women in stem t-shirt on international women’s day to celebrate the fact that i was given that and a reusable water bottle instead of equal pay

why are taters the only thing we’ve totted

MOVIE EXEC: no idea is a bad idea ME: a farm romance about two feuding sheep who unexpectedly fall in love MOVIE EXEC: get out ME: bleated rivalry

Friend: I found your doppelganger *shows you picture of the worst looking person you've ever seen in your life*

it's okay to have fun during spooky month even if you're having a whole spooky life

bad news. it’s actually pretty nice having clothes put away instead of in a pile

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

Nothing like having a bunch of your childhood heroes die in quick succession to remind you to load the dishwasher correctly.

wife: your life insurance premium paid up? me: yeah wife: good me: why? wife: no reason me: ... wife: ... me: ... wife: here, taste this

sorry to be controversial but clowns should've never been allowed to drive cars. the shoe to pedal ratio is too high and it is a recipe for danger

[high school graduation] SON: why are you crying? ME: *thinking about how proud I am and how much I'm going to miss him and how life goes too fast* because your mom made me wear dress shoes

The smallest type of animal is a minimal

In hindsight, it was a bad move to install the mulberry bushes. We’ve lost a lot of weasels.

Russian roulette is like regular roulette as long as you haven’t died nyet.